Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Aly
Comment: I have a 35 year-old boyfriend and we have been dating for a year now. He is a stable person financially and so am I. He has his own house and I also have my own house. He went through a divorce about two years ago and has a 3 year-old child that lives with the mother (his ex-wife). I have never been married before and have no children. Ever since we started dating, we have been “living” together either in my house or his house. A few days of the week we sleep in my house and some other days we sleep in his house. Now, he has asked me to move in with him to his house full-time.
He has now asked me to move in with him to his house and to place my house up for rent. With this, I feel that there is some compromise from his behalf, I know he loves me and does not want to lose me. However, when I talk to him about the future and marriage he tells me that he likes to live day by day, that I have too much uncertainty of the future and shouldn’t be thinking so much about it. The thing is that he tells me: “I leave things in God’s hands and when the moment is right it know it will happen”.
I told him that he is already 34 and I do not expect him to turn 40 so that we can get married and have children at that age! I feel that he is not “excited” anymore about the fact of getting married due to the fact that he already went through that life experience and the thrill has faded away due to his unsuccessful first marriage; I assume there is a level of fear in him that he is avoiding the possibility of making a mistake again. He does not seem to be in any rush and I do not know how I should approach him with this topic?? I want to know if the relationship is heading anywhere and if we are on the same page. I do not want to continue being with him if he is not looking to get married in the next 12 months and formalize our relationship.
For the record, he told me that when he proposed to his ex wife, he had had the ring for 6 months before he actually proposed to her. This really makes me think things even more and scares me because I do not want this to happen to me.
Thanks for your feedback.
So, he wants you to move in with him but doesn’t want to offer you anything in the way of security? He wants you to give up the place where you live, where you presumably have a lease (a document that protects you) and just go live with him?
The thing is that he tells me: “I leave things in God’s hands and when the moment is right it know it will happen”.
Ah, yes. God. A man with a beard who resides in the sky makes all the decisions for him. That sounds totally rational and prudent. I’m sure it’s not a convenient and bogus excuse to justify his very clear unwillingness to commit to you in any substantive way.
Will he put you on the lease or title or deed of his home? (Legal folks, can that even be done?) If things don’t work out, will you have any kind of protection so that he can’t boot you out on the street?
It’s understandable that he’s apprehensive about getting married again. I’m sure his divorce left him with more than a few scars. But that’s not your fault. You didn’t cause that. You can be compassionate and understanding and still want to ensure you are protected and not wasting your time.
You need to ask him what, if anything, he can offer you to make this move worth your investment. If you move in with him without banging out the details, you won’t have a leg to stand on once you want to move things forward and take them to the next level. Moving in together is not the huge gesture people think it is. People can leave or kick you out at any time if the details aren’t hammered put properly. You want something binding that makes you and the guy equal in terms of investment and risk. And, no, an engagement ring isn’t enough. Anybody can buy a ring. A ring does not protect your interests.
He needs to understand what it is he’s asking you to give up. A lot of men think women are just so grateful to have someone that they throw the women modest little offerings to buy themselves time. Don’t let this guy do that.
Tell him what you need. If he’s not willing to give you something or meet you half way, stay where you are until he is. If he continues to drag his feet, leave.
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