Never Double Down On A Guy Who Can’t Guarantee He’ll Stick Around

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Alymove
:
Comment: I have a 35 year-old boyfriend and we have been dating for a year now. He is a stable person financially and so am I. He has his own house and I also have my own house. He went through a divorce about two years ago and has a 3 year-old child that lives with the mother (his ex-wife). I have never been married before and have no children. Ever since we started dating, we have been “living” together either in my house or his house. A few days of the week we sleep in my house and some other days we sleep in his house. Now, he has asked me to move in with him to his house full-time.

He has now asked me to move in with him to his house and to place my house up for rent. With this, I feel that there is some compromise from his behalf, I know he loves me and does not want to lose me. However, when I talk to him about the future and marriage he tells me that he likes to live day by day, that I have too much uncertainty of the future and shouldn’t be thinking so much about it. The thing is that he tells me: “I leave things in God’s hands and when the moment is right it know it will happen”.

I told him that he is already 34 and I do not expect him to turn 40 so that we can get married and have children at that age! I feel that he is not “excited” anymore about the fact of getting married due to the fact that he already went through that life experience and the thrill has faded away due to his unsuccessful first marriage; I assume there is a level of fear in him that he is avoiding the possibility of making a mistake again. He does not seem to be in any rush and I do not know how I should approach him with this topic?? I want to know if the relationship is heading anywhere and if we are on the same page. I do not want to continue being with him if he is not looking to get married in the next 12 months and formalize our relationship.

For the record, he told me that when he proposed to his ex wife, he had had the ring for 6 months before he actually proposed to her. This really makes me think things even more and scares me because I do not want this to happen to me.

Thanks for your feedback.
Age: 30
City: Orlando
State: FL

 

So, he wants you to move in with him but doesn’t want to offer you anything in the way of security? He wants you to give up the place where you live, where you presumably have a lease (a document that protects you) and just go live with him?

Nope.

The thing is that he tells me: “I leave things in God’s hands and when the moment is right it know it will happen”.

Ah, yes. God. A man with a beard who resides in the sky makes all the decisions for him. That sounds totally rational and prudent. I’m sure it’s not a convenient and bogus excuse to justify his very clear unwillingness to commit to you in any substantive way.

Will he put you on the lease or title or deed of his home? (Legal folks, can that even be done?) If things don’t work out, will you have any kind of protection so that he can’t boot you out on the street?

It’s understandable that he’s apprehensive about getting married again. I’m sure his divorce left him with more than a few scars. But that’s not your fault. You didn’t cause that. You can be compassionate and understanding and still want to ensure you are protected and not wasting your time.

You need to ask him what, if anything, he can offer you to make this move worth your investment. If you move in with him without banging out the details, you won’t have a leg to stand on once you want to move things forward and take them to the next level. Moving in together is not the huge gesture people think it is. People can leave  or kick you out at any time if the details aren’t hammered put properly. You want something binding that makes you and the guy equal in terms of investment and risk. And, no, an engagement ring isn’t enough. Anybody can buy a ring. A ring does not protect your interests.

He needs to understand what it is he’s asking you to give up. A lot of men think women are just so grateful to have someone that they throw the women modest little offerings to buy themselves time. Don’t let this guy do that.

Tell him what you need. If he’s not willing to give you something or meet you half way, stay where you are until he is. If he continues to drag his feet, leave.

 

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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40 Responses to “Never Double Down On A Guy Who Can’t Guarantee He’ll Stick Around”

  1. Snowflake Says:

    If it were me, and I wanted a future with the guy, I would not move in until either a. married b. my name was on the house and/or mortgage.

    He wants you to give up your security of a home for a “possibility” of a future with him (depending on god??)…erm no. HELL NO!

    Moxie is absolutely right, moving in means zip these days, anyone can be given the boot, its easier done then most think.

    I would continue living at my own place until there is equal risk and investment on both his part and yours in joining of two households.

    I say this with experience under my belt of two common-law situations that left me high and dry because I chose not be smart about it and put my interests first.

    You two have been living in both homes for a year, it works so keep at it until he is ready to move forward but be prepared to walk away if he keeps using the whole “God” will show him the path schpeel.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 27 Thumb down 5

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    • Dori Says:

      Why would you want your name on the mortgage on his house??? That could potentially leave you high and dry the third time.

      Having your name on the title however does make perfect sense.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

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      • Snowflake Says:

        Where I live if the property has a mortgage, you cannot be on the title only, the banks here require both.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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      • Snowflake Says:

        And personally speaking, I own my own place, will never sell it for moving in with a guy. It will always be mine, if I do sell it it would be for personal investment, moving assets etc. If I do decide to live with someone again, we will jointly invest both taking on equal risk, 100% responsible for my 50% with legals to back. Just sayin’

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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      • Dori Says:

        “If it were me, and I wanted a future with the guy, I would not move in until either a. married b. my name was on the house and/or mortgage.”

        The word ‘or’ does not mean what you think it means. Unless you think that having your name on the mortgage but not on the title is somehow protecting you.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 3

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  2. mindstar Says:

    “I do not want to continue being with him if he is not looking to get married in the next 12 months and formalize our relationship.”

    So clearly and definitively tell him this and see his reaction. Then you can either accept his answer or leave. Plain and simple.

    With respect to Moxie’s legal question. Putting her name on a lease would require a bit of negotiation with the landlord/property owner but would usually be approved. Assuming she’s employed and has no credit problems.

    Putting her name on the deed (if he owns as opposes to rents) is also doable however:

    (1) he may refuse since her name would be on a deed to his house while her house remains solely in her name;

    (2) there may be restrictions on his changing title to the house because his ex-wife could still have some type of interest in the property after their divorce;

    (3) some mortgages provide that a change in title/ownership will make the full mortgage come due – he should check with his bank on that;

    (4)if he places her name on the deed to his house will he expect her to contribute a share of her rental income to the mortgage on what’s now “their” house?

    Lots of issues/potential problems to discuss. Also Florida real estate law may have unique characteristics so they should consult with a Florida real estate attorney should they go that route.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 0

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    • alan Says:

      She could also enter into a sublease from him whether he is owner or a renter that would provide that she get reasonable tenant’s rights under Florida Law.

      I agree with both of your and Snowflakes major points. Why bother to move in together at all (and why his place as opposed to yours) and why not tell him your exact expectations for the relationship and gauge his reaction (which might be deliberately or unconsciously deceptive).

      I’m a cynic and agnostic and the whole “god’s hands” thing would annoy me to no end.

      Also OP might want to factor in that since he already has a child he is paying support for, additional children may not even be in the cards for him. People forget that divorce is financially devastating for all parties involved in a middle or working class financial situation and that raising children is expensive. OP might want to have a frank conversation with her man about that.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

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  3. JulesP Says:

    OP, “reasonable” will be for the two of you equally to rent out your homes and rent something together, where you are both equally responsible for rental payment. No reason why that can’t legally be drawn up. As he’s already willing for you to move in with him, shouldn’t be a problem where his kids are concerned… home is where the heart is, right?

    Good luck

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 5

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      At least that way they would both be landlords, because, as someone who is one, it’s sometimes a huge, raging pain in the ass! One of my tenants is currently complaining because she doesn’t like having a central air condenser so close to the house. Sure, I’ll have the electrician come by and relocate it three blocks away. Seriously, OP, don’t do this to yourself just for a man haha!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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  4. Nicki Says:

    So to me it sounds like you both own your places (you said he wants you to rent yours out and typically a renter doesn’t rent it out for the landlord) but I could be wrong.

    Now if this were me…

    I would want to sit down and evaluate why it was me me moving into his and not vice versa. Is his nicer? In a nicer neighborhood? Larger? Cost less monthly? Etc. After that, if it were still his home we’d be living in, I would ask for a lease. I would want to know that if something happened I could not be told to move out in some unreasonable time.

    But forget that…

    I think that one year is a reasonable amount of time to be together and expect some type of talk about the future. I think “leaving things to God” is a lame excuse for someone who doesn’t want to tell you what they want or don’t want. He has a right to be scared after a divorce but the OP also has a right to know if this relationship has a future.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

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  5. Jim Says:

    My default reaction to any type of mind games from women (especially devious ones) is to cut-off all communication. I have no patience for it, that shit should have stopped in high school

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 23

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    • bbdawg Says:

      There must be more to this story from the BF’s financial perspective. Something is not adding up. I wonder if he wants to save money by having her move in? In my experience men who have been recently divorced want more space and less obligations OR they want to get married again, and overtly look for serious relationships. This guy doesn’t want to have another marriage and yet he wants the “benefits” of that without the obligations. The OP is too young to stay with a guy who doesn’t want to marry her (sorry, “God” never sent him the memo…) It would be different if she were 53 or something, if she had already married and had her own kids.

      The solution to this problem is to state that you want to get married and that is the condition for moving in. Ask him if he sees that at all, and if so, the timeline for this. That is a make or break question, but so is the situation…

      At 30 a woman should really begin to consider, that if she truly wants a family, she needs to focus on men who want that are are willing to make a commitment…if the OP stays with this guy and she wants marriage and kids, she will basically be wasting her time she could be spending looking for or being with someone who wants the same thing she does.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

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      • Lisa Says:

        Yes, you hit the nail on the head. Even tho she describes her bf as financially stable, he is now paying a mortgage on his own, paying child support (possibly alimony too) and finishing up paying legal expenses.

        It is not too difficult to understand that the guy might stretched thin and want to split the bills, seeing as they are already “playing house.”

        If done right, such an arrangement would be financially beneficial to both of them. But may or may not put her any closer to marriage. Clearly he is not in any hurry to do that again.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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    • mistori Says:

      To Jim:
      Re: “My default reaction to any type of mind games from women (especially devious ones) is to cut-off all communication.”

      Where are the mind games from this woman?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

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  6. Ben Iyyar Says:

    I feel that Aly knows already that this is a “fishy” deal with just too many pitfalls, and she turned to ATWYS for confirmation of her own feelings.
    The deal this guy is offering her does sound to me to be self serving and unserious, almost as if he is figuratively showing Aly the door in the hopes she will leave of her own free will.
    But I fully agree with ATWYS on this one, it’s a questionable deal that Aly should avoid.
    And the thing about putting things in “God’s hands,” in my experience people who say this usually find a way to make God’s will the same as their will!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 1

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  7. Jim Says:

    Sorry but the my previous comment was meant for another article…

    Based on my own experiences as a man in a similar situation (but my soon-to-be ex-wife suggested moving-in with me before the ring, not the other way around), I would strongly advise against any kind of ultimatum from you regarding marriage.

    If he wants to marry you, let him ask you whenever he’s ready. If he hasn’t asked you then he is not ready. Forcing him to make this decision is a very bad idea. Why would you want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you?

    If you have no qualms about living with this man as an un-married couple, then as others have stated work-out a legal agreement where your name is added to the mortgage but you share in half the equity moving forward (my guess is this suggestion alone will cause him to run for the hills). But please don’t view moving in as a validation that he will eventually ask you to marry him.

    I think your best courses of action are A) If you’re happy with the current arrangement, continue going from house to house or B) If you’re not happy with the current arrangement, end the relationship.

    Waiting for God to see things your way isn’t a good plan.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

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    • xyzed Says:

      I was in a similar situation. I am a divorced dad with a college bound daughter. In my previous relationship, she would be moving into my house (from an apartment) with a 9yr old. We both we comfortable with living together and not getting married. She wanted an adjustment to my will that if I passed away while she was living in my house, she would be entitled to stay in my house for 1 yr until she can get her act together. So she would be practically living rent free because my mortgage would be paid off from my estate. Looking back (we are no longer in a relationship for other reasons) this wasn’t be acceptable to me but if this was a sticking point on her moving in, I would have gladly offered (via a contract if needed) a set amt on money to get her into another apartment in case the relationship did not work out.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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  8. BTownGirl Says:

    I read this as the OP owns her house and he’s saying she should rent it out when she moves in with him – someone please correct me if I have that wrong! I personally wouldn’t do this, because if things don’t work out, she can’t just boot tenants out in a hot second and move back into her house, even if it’s Tenant At Will. He may not be aware of this, but he’s still putting the onus on her to take all the risk. That to me is a screeching needle off the record!

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    • GeekGurl Says:

      Read it same way – both own their homes. Agree with BTownGirl on this – actually did this a long time ago. Rented my house and moved in …. eventually did not work out, and I was lucky. Timing was that my friend/tenant was ready to move when that happened. Otherwise, most awkward! In this case, he is putting all the risk/heavy lifting on her … not the way to start out. And do NOT get me started on the whole ‘god’s will’ thing – he can’t even decide his own life? Nope … After a year, that’s what she hears, and will hear next year likely. I do NOT think that a man is ‘scared’ by the things that many women seem to think they are… seems more like a choice to me. And, so she should make her own choice based on actions – not what she thinks he feels.

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      • Eliza Says:

        I agree with BTown and GeekGurl…be careful OP. You have your own home. Just stay put for now, OR do what I did…I was the one asked to move in with him…and since I didn’t want to rent the home I owned…I left it unoccupied, but continued paying the expenses for it….and moved in with the guy (based on HIS request)…but he didn’t charge me rent. I still had my own home to pay for.

        Unless this guy is looking for someone to split costs…and that’s his motive. If that’s the case…don’t do it. Not your fault he has alimony and divorce-related expenses. That’s on him.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

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    • Yvonne Says:

      I read it that way too. While a year might be enough time to decide on living together/marriage for some people, it may not be enough time yet for this fairly recently divorced man with a young child. Sounds like he divorced when his child was just a baby, which is uncommon and might indicate an unusual circumstance. I would give it another 6 months and then re-evaluate. He may not be excited about re-marriage because his divorce was not so long ago.

      I’m also wondering what prompted him to ask you to move in? Is it simply for the convenience factor? I wouldn’t uproot my life at this point if that’s the case.

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    • KK Says:

      Yeah, I read it the same way. If she rents her house out, what is she to do if things with this guy don’t work out? But I also don’t quite understand the LW’s desire to get married to this guy within the year. I understand wanting to get married – wanting to have children soon and all. But how on earth can she know if this is the guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with if she hasn’t lived with him yet? But, ok, that wasn’t what she was actually asking.

      I think this situation is kind of weird. If this guy really doesn’t want to lose her, then what is the point of her telling him that she wants to get married fairly soon? He can say he wants to marry her, but that doesn’t mean he means it, or that he actually will marry her. If it’s that important, then don’t move in with the guy.

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  9. Lisa Says:

    Yes, the letter writer is saying she and her bf own their own homes. Yes, she can be added to the deed if they refinance it in both of their names. But that makes no sense, as she would still be the sole owner and sole lien holder on her own house.

    It’s not a foolish move for her to rent her house out and move in with him IF SHE HAS GOOD TENANTS. She would not be *losing* her home. She could move back into whenever and however the lease (that she would write) stipulated.

    He is the one with the child so there might be some reason why his house is the better one for them to live in together — better school district, closer to child/ex-wife, larger, whatever.

    The issue here is not whether she will *lose* her house. The issue is that the bf does not want to get married now and she does. He is trying to placate her by offering her somewhat of a compromise that might benefit them both financially.

    I can totally relate to the bf here. I’m gun-shy about re-marrying but my bf wants to get married. So we are planning to live together as a compromise…for now. He rents where he lives so it’s not a huge deal. But even if he owned his home, he could rent it.

    The difference, in my situation, is that my bf is OK w/ this arrangement for now. But the letter writer seems slightly insulted by it.

    If she is looking for a 12 month fast track, this isn’t he guy.

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      I’m with you on bolding GOOD TENANTS! I’m in MA and our laws are so slanted towards tenants, I would advise the OP to meet with a lawyer before renting her place out so she knows every in and out of the FL laws. In these parts, your tenants pretty much have to blow the house up while cooking meth (happened to one of my lawyer’s other clients) to rid yourself of them if they suck.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

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      • Shadowcat Says:

        IF SHE HAS GOOD TENANTS.

        Thank you! We all think they’re good tenants until they move in and prove otherwise! FL sounds like NY, A tenant has to willfully burn the house down to evicted here. And even then, if it’s a family with children, the Housing Court judge will probably let them erect a pup tent and continue to live on the charred remains of the property rent-free, while you still have to pay the mortgage insurance and property taxes…

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          *Cry-Laugh*! And if HUD’s involved, they’re going to need to inspect everything and naturally you’ll need to do $50k worth of work, which said tenants will promptly destroy in the space of a week. Unfortunately, the extra income they make selling painkillers out of your property (yet another true story) won’t be enough to pay the portion of the rent that the government isn’t picking up. This is why I need to give all my whiny, annoying, yet market-rate tenants a hug ;)

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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  10. yb Says:

    My boyfriend wanted the same thing but I wouldn’t budge.
    The only way I was going to leave my house was if I was legally married. I was’t looking to have someone pay my way, I was looking to start the foundation for a family. He pulled the whole “it is just a piece of paper” spiel and then decided he wanted a pre up since he significantly out earns me. I told him I was willing to sign a pre nup if that is what he needed to move forward.
    Why any self sufficient woman would leave her own home to move in with a guy without a formal legal commitment is beyond me. Protecting yourself is so important and you have to envision the worst case scenario in case things don’t work out.

    We finally got married after a whole year of him trying to convince me to move in.

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    • Eliza Says:

      yb–smart woman–I pretty much did the same thing. did move into the city with a guy – after HE convinced me it would solidify things. He was divorced with 2 young kids…and I have no children. But have my own home. I refused to put it for sale, or rent it out. But kept it vacant…and DID move in with him–and what an eye opener it was! Glad I did that…got a ring side seat to his life with a still-bitter ex-wife, and within 1 year I bolted. But hey, I still had my home to go back to! It was HIS request for me to uproot and move in with him…and yes, I brought the cat too! lol. you need to protect yourself. He didn’t want me to contribute towards his monthly expenses-and NEITHER should he – as I still maintained my home expenses from my vacant apartment I was carrying. What’s fair is fair. You need to know the real MOTIVE why some men want a woman to move in with them.

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  11. Bill Says:

    Aly, I found that there were two “jarring” things about your post, one part that was in it and one that was missing. One is his statement to take things one day at a time. This does not equate with you moving out of your house and into his, even with keeping title to your house as a fall-back. Moving and “blending” the contents of two houses is a big commitment that goes beyond one day at a time. The two of you need to talk about this particular part more.

    The omission is that you did not gush, “I love this guy and he’s the man I want to marry and spend my life with!” The omission may not reflect how you feel, but I get a sense from your post that the guy is good marriage material, your “clock” for having children is ticking, so it’s fish or cut bait time, dude. Maybe you do have that “deep love” feeling but just don’t “gush” it. Maybe he’s sensing that as well. In that situation any guy would be defensive, feel objectified, doubly so with his past failed marriage.

    Only you know your true feelings for THIS particular guy. Be truthful to yourself. The two of you may well be a very good match, but the timing is just all wrong. Nobody’s fault, it happens, but it can be just as bad as being wrong for each other.

    What I would suggest is to tell him that you want to move in with him, and SELL your house, but you can only do that as an engaged couple. That you are willing to put the wedding date two years into the future, so that you have time to live together, merge households, know each other deeper before the chaos of wedding planning takes over. AND, that you are willing to continue as is to give him time to decide. Don’t put a timetable on him, but have a time table for yourself, say 6 months, and do not revisit it until then.

    If either of you are unwilling to this, then you have your answer and it’s likely time, sadly, to move on.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 12

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    • Bill Says:

      “I do not want to continue being with him if he is not looking to get married in the next 12 months and formalize our relationship.”

      After re-reading the post, this is a third “jarring” statement. This really sounds like your priority is to “be married” and “have children” not to “marry him” and “have children with him”.

      There is a big difference and it doesn’t bode well. If it’s the former, then the guy has reason to be apprehensive as he’s BTDT and already has the tee-shirt.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 11

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      • Lisa Says:

        As a single/divorced mom, reading from that perspective, I also found it jarring that she didn’t discuss his child, how she feels about step-mommy-hood, how much time she has already spent with the child, and if additional children don’t happen for them if she would still be OK with this blended family of three.

        But yes, there seems to be a fundamental difference btwn the letter writer and her bf. She needs formality and certainty and he prefers (at least at this time) flexibility. These a big differences.

        Maybe couples counseling is needed?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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    • Nicki Says:

      I think it’s a horrible idea to tell him she wants to move in and sell her house… Unless she actually wants to move in and sell her house. It’s also a horrible idea to say they “have” to be engaged. You shouldn’t be baiting someone you love to see their reaction.

      OP said she doesn’t want to be with him if he isn’t looking to get married in the next year. That’s something that should be discussed if that’s truly how she feels. I don’t understand why people don’t just lay their cards out on the table, so to speak. Worst case scenario? OP tells him that, he says he doesn’t want it, they go their separate ways. Sucks to end a relationship and all but it’s better now then in two years if they aren’t on the same page.

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  12. Tadpole Says:

    I couldn’t do it. Not with such ambiguous terms.

    At this point in my life I don’t see why it takes so long for someone to decide their feelings towards another person. After a certain age, I think people know more about themselves and what works for them, so it’s easier to realize when a relationship isn’t going to work. (Just to clarify, easier NOT easy) She said she had already been seeing him for a year. A year is plenty of time for him to decide how he feels. He’s just lukewarm. I want someone that’s burning for me.

    I also believe that living together before marriage isn’t a grand gesture. It’s a convenience. Someone always gets the short end of the stick.

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  13. Dori Says:

    I think that if the OP wants him to marry her within 12 months, she should not move in with him until she has the ring.

    If she however would be willing to invest another year into the relationship, I would see no harm in her moving into his house and renting out her’s. She should however consult a lawyer to ensure that she cannot be just booted out without notice. She should have at least as much protection as her future tenant will get.

    There should also be an understanding that if after a year the ring does not appear, she moves out. Also during that year she should not assist in paying the mortgage or property taxes on his house until they are married. She may agree to split the costs of utilities and perhaps groceries although I am not sure whether it is a good idea. She is gambling her time, let the guy gamble his money. That way he would have an additional (albeit weak) incentive to marry her sooner rather than later.

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    • mindstar Says:

      So she should live fully expense free with him for a year while getting rental income from her house?

      Oh that will certainly encourage him to marry her

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      • Dori Says:

        No, of course not. She should be helping him to pay HIS mortgage, take care of HIS house, and HIS child. While HER house is being trashed by the tenants. And while paying HER mortgage, HER property taxes, and HER house maintenance presumably by herself. And while hoping that the rent which she will presumably be able to collect will cover these expenses.

        [Insert sarcasm]

        And how exactly is this going to encourage him to marry her rather than to continue this convenient arrangement indefinitely?

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  14. Nicki Says:

    mindstar – I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING! If my partner gave me an ultimatum of when we had to be married by and said they weren’t going to pay their way… Well, see ya!

    Relationships require enough work without making them extra work.

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  15. Shadowcat Says:

    No one likes to hear an ultimatum, and men tend (in my opinion) have very romantic ideas about marriage when it suits them. Male friends that in conversation vilify women who put timelines/ultimatums on commitment, all think I’m a complete idiot for being in a 15 year relationship with no ring. (and say the same about other women in similar situations)

    But wait! I was “cool” I didn’t push, (I did mention it a time or two) I let things go at their own pace, waited til’ he was ready, etc. All the things guys say is the best way to go…) For 15 years. When we met, I was 29. I am now 45.

    I know there are many couples who lived together for years and years before making it formal, (so you don’t need to cite all the examples) but honestly, percentage-wise, this is the minority of couples. Most people I’ve ever known that have gotten married (and statistically as well) were engaged within a year or two of meeting.

    The OP is obviously feeling trepidation about this move, or she wouldn’t have sought advice. She’s 30. How long is she supposed to wait? Some people complained about her asking for another year? SHould she look for two, three, five, ten? What? How long before she’s writing in to Moxie about how she can’t get the type of men she wants to look at her profile, just to hear that’s she’s too old, and has to lower the bar because the men she wants are now out of her league, and want 30-year-olds and under that they can start families with? And the “Red-Pill” guys are flaming her, because she was “princess” all her life, and she’s single because she turned down all these “nice” guys that she could have married, and now she’s getting what she deserves because she’s “over-the-hill” and no longer desirable to men? She will enjoy reading all the posts about how she has to pay her way, aggressively pursue men online, and not make them wait too long for sex because she’s past her expiration date and is a harder sell?

    Here’s my question: What is a realistic timeline for progression to marriage, if marriage is what one wants?

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  16. Pizzabox Says:

    I know you worked hard to achieve your home, it’s your place and the same applies to his home. Why can’t he move into your house? It’s like a debate or push-and-pull. My point is about sharing a common vision where you both work toward achieving goals in your relationship. For example, saving for a common interest or decorating each others home or buying that dream home. When you start giving up part of your fabric such as your home, it also chips away at your relationship instead of finding common ways to share it. When you go through a divorce, there’s a fear that the next woman will take it all (I know that I feels that way at times, except I realize today that everyday is unique and yesterday is history, so don’t miss today.)

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