Comment: I’ve been dating someone for a month and he seems really into me. He has been pursuing me for several months. One thing led to another the other night and we slept together. He cooked me breakfast the morning after. He compliments me, raves etc. all day every day. Initiates texts every day. Talks a lot about trips we’ll take etc. But no mention about exclusive since the other night.
I am mad at myself for not having the talk before. Is it too soon to expect him to bring it up, or too late to unring that bell? The worst part is that I’m not sure that I am ready to be exclusive myself just yet, I just hate the idea of him sleeping with other people at the same time as sleeping with me. Can you help me decide what to do next please? Thank you.
I’m sure you know that your logic regarding this situation is flawed, yes?
There’s nothing you can do. You’re not even willing to be exclusive with him. I mean, I’m sure you would agree to it if it got you what you wanted, but you’re failing to see that he could do the exact same thing to you. He could promise exclusivity but not be fully committed to the idea just because he thinks it will get him what he wants. That’s a very shakey foundation on which to build a relationship.
So, I guess you should ask yourself how you would feel if you knew he agreed to see you and only you but was only saying that because he knew that’s what you wanted to hear and not because he meant it. That’s probably what will be the case should you bring this up now. It’s just be a string of words strewn together to make you feel good and nothing else. Agreeing not to sleep with anyone else is not a legally binding contract. There are no repercussions should he go back on his word.
The truly upsetting thing about all of this is that you’re not even sure if you want to lock this down. You don’t even know if this is someone you want to date seriously. The only thing you do know is that you don’t want him sleeping with anyone else because..why again? What does that signify?
That’s a rhetorical question. The answer is: nothing. All that would do is provide you with a false sense of security.
I’m not sure the origins of this kind of twisted thinking. I think it’s related to this idea that we (women) are bad or pathetic or slutty if we “give it up” to a guy who offers nothing in return. You gave him sex, so now you want him to reciprocate with something equal in value in return to prove himself to you. That way you can maintain your virtue for performing the ultimate sacrifice of giving him access to your vagina. It’s all rooted in insecurity and tragically outdated ideas about female sexuality. You just don’t want to feel like you were played. I get that. I truly do. Nobody likes feeling they were duped. But that’s a reality of dating. If you can’t handle that, then close up shop now.
As I’ve said before, telling a guy right before you sleep with him that you’re afraid he’ll bolt after sex or asking him if he’s sleeping with anyone else is setting yourself up for disappointment. Most people in that situation will either outright lie or skirt the question and just say what they think will be acceptable. If you don’t want to sleep with someone until you’re exclusive, then stick to that. It’s not up to someone else to give you the all clear sign. That’s your job. Getting a guy to promise something before you have sex is just a way many women justify having sex. It’s time we got over that.
Going forward, you need to date at your own risk. Not everything is going to be served up to you on a silver platter or spelled out for you. I find that the people who need to be coddled and indulged or who require weeks of emails or phone calls or who have a litany of questions they need answered are the biggest wastes of time. Simply put, they’re too much work.
I think you should proceed assuming he’s sleeping with other people. It’s not at all odd that after a month he hasn’t tried to make things exclusive. I think bringing that topic up now, when you’re not even sure what you want, will spell disaster.
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