Why Won’t Her Boyfriend Defend Her?

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Ali80

:
Comment: When I first met my boyfriend, he was always talking about what great friends he has, and his friends would say how he’s so great.

So at first I was really open to meeting them.

But then, things started to get a little weird. For example, after eating dinner together, when I went to the bathroom, his best female friend said to him “Wow. There’s no comparing.” She was apparently referring to his ex girlfriend of 5 months who he broke up with, I kid you not, three years prior.

I told him that it was a weird thing to say. That a more normal response would be “Wow, Ali is so great.” And why in god’s name is she comparing me to someone else, let alone remembering some girl you dated for three minutes years ago?

Over time, each time we’d meet, she’s somehow bring this “ex” into conversation. When we got back from a vacation to the Dominican, and I was telling her about it, her first response was, “oh like when he went to Mexico” (which he visited with the ex).

I told my boyfriend to tell her she’s being offensive randomly bringing this woman into conversations. At first he didn”t agree each time, and we’d fight. Then months later he’d admit I’m right, but then say it’s too late to say anything to her.

Now it’s been 2.5 years!

The amazing thing is, this same girl had an argument with his sister recently, and within minutes he texted her intervening.

Why is he suddenly able to act and defend her? I am furious and offended. His response, “I’ll tell this friend how she offended you when we sit and meet”…. Your sister being offended spurs you into instant action, but your GF not? WTF
Age: 37
City: Buffalo
State: NY

 

Here’s why he’s not doing anything: he thinks you’re over-reacting and might just feel a smidge threatened by this friend. I happen to agree with him. In the two examples you gave me, I’m not really seeing what was so offensive about the female friend’s comments. In the first scenario you mention, she’s paying you a compliment. As for the second:

Over time, each time we’d meet, she’s somehow bring this “ex” into conversation. When we got back from a vacation to the Dominican, and I was telling her about it, her first response was, “oh like when he went to Mexico” (which he visited with the ex).

Dude, that’s a pretty lengthy leap you’re taking in order to make this comment about his ex.

In neither case do I get a passive aggressive feel from her commentary. Annoying, maybe, but not malicious. The only thing coming through loud and clear in this letter is your dislike for this woman. You very clearly are bothered by her friendship with your boyfriend. That’s why your boyfriend isn’t doing more to alleviate the problem. He thinks you’re being insecure and he’s not indulging it. The sad reality is that when many people hear of two women at odds, they immediately dismiss it as a cat fight. That’s the real problem you’re up against and why your concerns are being ignored. My guess is that his overall impression of you is that you’re temperamental and easily bothered by things he considers frivolous. You need to change that opinion he holds of you if you want your complaints to be taken seriously.

Then months later he’d admit I’m right, but then say it’s too late to say anything to her.

Yeah, no. He doesn’t think you’re right. He’s just saying that to avoid a fight because it sounds like this is an ongoing topic of discussion for you two.

Your sister being offended spurs you into instant action, but your GF not? WTF

Yes, because she’s his sister. Sister trumps insecure girlfriend. Always. Especially if she’s normally even tempered. He’s known his sister all his life. The reason he’s not stepping in when you’re offended is because he thinks you might be a bit mercurial. That’s your real concern. Not the female friend.

I don’t doubt that this female friend is maybe a little too familiar with your guy and that she could be feeling territorial. That would absolutely bother me, too. But it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is going out of his way to take her side or doing anything inappropriate. That’s what is most important. If he were making extra effort to coddle this friend or if she were bad mouthing you and he wasn’t standing up for you, that would be a different story. That’s not what is going on here.

It couldn’t hurt to try and bridge a friendship with her yourself, if only to keep the peace in your relationship. I know that that idea probably doesn’t sound very appealing, but sometimes you just have to take the high road. You may find that when you and she bond a bit, the off-putting throwaway statements come to a halt.

 

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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50 Responses to “Why Won’t Her Boyfriend Defend Her?”

  1. Ali Says:

    Except I forgot one important detail. This friend of his has recently become friends with the ex. And when they first started meeting up, she suggested maybe the 3 of them get together. So no, I’m just not thinking it’s SO innocent.

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    • maria Says:

      were they friends before she and your boyfriend broke up? or is this a new thing? did she go out of her way to befriend her friends ex girlfriend? if that’s the case then yes something strange beyond her not liking you is going on.
      Its really hard to tell because we don’t know her, we don’t know what their relationship is like. sounds like a crappy situation to be in and I don’t really blame you for being annoyed and upset–to a point. I do know that you trying to get between him and his friend in such an obvious way won’t work out for you well. also bringing up how he defended his sister is a really big mistake. she is his sister. If this is such a big problem for you, I’d suggest going to the friend directly and telling her that you are uncomfortable with how much she talks about the ex. it sounds like you are harping on it a lot with your boyfriend and making him uncomfortable too. it sounds like maybe you don’t like their friendship, and maybe don’t trust him very much

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    • Bill Says:

      Ali, why are you so threatened by an ex that he had a STR with for “three minutes”, your words, something like six years ago?

      If your BF had a strong, visceral reaction to his friend having lunch with that ex, THAT would be something to be concerned about.

      Something like, Eh, no big deal. I got over her a long time ago… is the healthy reaction.

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      • Lisa Says:

        The reaction may not be to the exgf from 6 yrs ago. The reaction may be to the female friend who (the letter writer believes) keeps jabbing at her w/ these gratuitous remarks. Sometimes you just feel (mistakenly or accurately) that someone is F’ing with you for whatever reason. If the friend is not intentionally doing that, then it shouldn’t be a big deal for the bf to politely ask her to stop talking about whatever the topic is.

        The LW could ask the friend to stop, but it would it would cause less friction if the bf asked, bc they are the two close friends, not the gf and the friend.

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        • Bill Says:

          IMO, if the friend was constantly jabbing at her, the LW would have given better examples of “slams” and jabs over the last 2.5 years. That’s a long time to compile a list of examples of “she’s been mean to me.”

          She, LW, has been “furious and offended” from the beginning even though the BF no-doubt explained the initial comments were compliments, and were phrased in a way meant only for his ears.

          I completely disagree on the last statement that the BF should act as the intermediary in this situation (there are times that is called for, this isn’t one of them).

          This is a completely contrived “choose me over her” situation no matter what you think about who’s right or wrong. He has no problem confronting the friend when he thinks she is wrong or has overstepped… as with the sister situation. All three of these women are important in his life, she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and not ask him to fight her ill-conceived battles.

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          • Lisa Says:

            It may be stupid, but considering she admits she is very insecure about the exgf, to the point of bringing him to therapy with her to discuss it, why not just capitulate on this issue? There is no real reason why the friend needs to keep mentioning the exgf. If it is that much of an issue, why can’t he just indulge her? Sometimes that’s what you have to do in relationships…take one for the team.

            Yes, she is clearly asking him to choose her over the friend on this issue. Why is that such a big deal? If it’s about everything…OK, he can’t indulge that. But on this one issue? Why not? He should be tired of hearing about the nasty, money-grubbing exgf, too.

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    • Shadowcat Says:

      That’s a pretty important detail.

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  2. ATWYSingle Says:

    Maybe that’s because you clearly don’t like her and so she doesn’t like you? Like, are you really shocked that she’d freeze you out?

    Do you see how you immediately jumped into the comments with your very important but weirdly forgotten detail? Do you see how defensive you got? That’s why your boyfriend is ignoring your complaints and his friend is befriending the ex. You’re prone to histrionics. That’s a big part of problem here, not the actions of the female friend.

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    • maria Says:

      you have to admit it is a little strange that she is purposely friending her friends ex girlfriend instead of being supportive of his new relationship and trying to be friends the new girlfriend, like a real friend is supposed to. if this is all true, its obvious that she does not like the LW and wants the her friend to get back together with the ex. its manipulative and its not very nice. if my best friend tried to get me to be friends with my ex, I would be offended on behalf of my current boyfriend because I find that disrespectful. and to suggest they all hang out? that is really not cool at all. also, the first comment “doesn’t even compare” is not necessarily a compliment. could mean that LW hardly compares to the ex.

      LW is probably being annoying to her boyfriend about this and maybe not going about it the right way, but something fishy is going on here, that is, if what she says is true.

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      • Bill Says:

        Maria, I would agree with you, but it’s not a new relationship and a recent ex. It’s a 2.5 year relationship and a 5 month ex from six years ago. Wounds heal.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          **It’s a 2.5 year relationship and a 5 month ex from six years ago. Wounds heal.**

          True. Given the OP’s reaction, you’d think this was a very new relationship she was just testing out, in which case concerns about whether his friends like her or if he’s really over his ex- would be a lot more understandable (still a bit paranoid, but a lot more understandable).

          My BF has a friend (his cousin) who’s very “dude”-ish and not one to talk about feelings much. His assessment of me was, “Well, she’s a lot better than the last two,” which I guess was a big compliment from him. I’m also 100% confident my BF wasn’t fooling around with his male cousin, so maybe there’s something to the OP being threatened by this friend?

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Not that the OP thinks he’s fooling around with the female friend, and I don’t think that’s the case, either. But you know…if there’s something to be threatened by in her BF’s female friend, there would have to be something at least vaguely sexual about it (“is she prettier than me? Are they too close emotionally?” etc.).

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        • maria Says:

          it isn’t about wounds, its about respect. I just don’t understand the need for the LW boyfriends friend to randomly want to become friends with the ex 3 years later. unless LW is hiding something, it makes no sense. had they been friends before and during the relationship and wanted to maintain a friendship, that would be completely different. but to not only talk about this girl to the new girl friends face but to seek out her friendship randomly, something isn’t right. I have no desire to seek out the friendship of my friends ex boyfriends or girl friends. if anything, I want to make my friends new girl friends or boy friends feel happy and welcome, which seems like the complete opposite of what the friend here is doing.

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          • KK Says:

            It sounds like it’s a lot longer than 3 years ago. It looks like the LW and her bf have been together for 3 years or so and he and his ex broke up 3 years before that and so this is an ex from 6 years ago.

            But, say it’s been 3 years. It is 3 years. If he is totally over her, how is it disrespectful for his friend to be friends with her? If it were a recent thing, then yes. But after all this time? No. It is only a problem if either of the exes has feelings for each other

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          • The D-man Says:

            I just don’t understand the need for the LW boyfriends friend to randomly want to become friends with the ex 3 years later.

            And you can’t know because you don’t know any of the people involved.

            One of my rules in relationships of all types is “assume good intent.” I think the OP could benefit from that.

            This is the kind of shit that drives men crazy: women who take something small and turn it into a years-long argument. (I’m sure some men do it too but I never hear about it because women generally don’t complain to me about their boyfriends).

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  3. J Says:

    Sorry I have to agree with the LW. I’m a guy and I have a best friend who is a female friend. I’ve moved on from My exes and my friends should as well. I wouldn’t be putting up with a girl who made it her business to keep bringing up my ex or comparing them. He needs to man up and and stand up for you, or you need to run!

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  4. niknikky Says:

    I don’t think the LW is overreacting or “prone to histrionics” at all. When a guy brings up how better/more understanding/cooler his current girlfriend in relation to his ex, it generally isn’t considered complimentary – if anything, it’s seen as a red flag. Why, then, would a friend of the boyfriend, upon first meeting said friend’s girlfriend, bring up his ex? I don’t know…perhaps the female friend is socially tone-deaf, but I’m thinking that one some level, she may be jealous of the current girlfriend. She’s gotta know that drawing comparisons between the current GF and the ex, however favorable, is going to make the current feel a certain sort of way.

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    • Bill Says:

      I’ll disagree here… my read-between-the-lines is that the BF had a hard time getting over the ex. The friend PRIVATELY (the LW was in the bathroom) commented TO HIM that the LW was much better for him than the ex… which is EXACTLY what a good friend would say… she knows him and his history of bad choices (the ex).

      If any tone-deafness, I would attribute it to the BF for conveying the comparison to the ex part. Perhaps it’s just me and my encounters with a few passive-agressive types, but I get the feeling that the LW wanted to know what the friend said, exactly, word-for-word.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        The “ex- is such a nightmare” narrative doesn’t gibe with the female friend befriending the ex-, though. Although I suppose two people can just be wrong for each other without anyone being a nightmare…

        I guess if the BF isn’t feeding into these comments, it’s a bit overblown to get upset about it. You can’t control anyone else’s behavior, although with someone you’re actually in a relationship with it’s reasonable to say, “When you do A, it makes me feel B.” If the person in question is a friend-of-friend, I would just shrug it off.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          “Wow, there’s no comparison” is kind of an ambiguous statement, especially if it seems like the friend doesn’t like the OP. Although since the BF shared the comment with the OP, it’s presumably a compliment (one would hope).

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          • Bill Says:

            Fuzilla, I am quite confident that if it were ambiguous or an outright slam, that the ex was better, we would have heard about it… something like “she has hated me and tried to sabotage us from the beginning”.

            So, no, IMO, no doubt that the context was a big compliment.

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  5. ATWYSingle Says:

    When a guy brings up how better/more understanding/cooler his current girlfriend in relation to his ex, it generally isn’t considered complimentary

    Nowhere in the letter did the LW say that happened. She said it was the female friend who said that to the boyfriend. She didn’t say the boyfriend said anything to prompt that comment from the friend.

    Why, then, would a friend of the boyfriend, upon first meeting said friend’s girlfriend, bring up his ex?

    As a compliment. It’s not like she brought it up while the new girlfriend was there. Either the boyfriend told THE op or she overheard the friend make the comment. Either way IT’S A COMPLIMENT.

    She’s gotta know that drawing comparisons between the current GF and the ex, however favorable, is going to make the current feel a certain sort of way.

    No, she doesn’t. Most secure women wouldn’t blink an eye at such comments, ESPECIALLY IF THOSE COMPARISONS ARE COMPLIMENTS.

    I’m getting the feeling you are either the OP or a friend of hers.

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    • niknikky Says:

      “‘When a guy brings up how better/more understanding/cooler his current girlfriend in relation to his ex, it generally isn’t considered complimentary’

      Nowhere in the letter did the LW say that happened. She said it was the female friend who said that to the boyfriend. She didn’t say the boyfriend said anything to prompt that comment from the friend.”

      And nowhere in MY initial post did I say that the LW said that happened. I was bringing up that scenario – a guy habitually bringing up his ex in order to compliment his current GF – as a point of comparison, and stand by it.

      I’m not even going to address the rest of your response. I am neither the OP nor a friend hers. I’m just a long-time reader, first-time poster to the blog. But I dare to have a difference of opinion so I *MUST* be the OP, right? LOL! You’re not as perceptive as you believe yourself to be, and you’re every bit the disagreeable woman you’ve shown yourself to be on XOJ and other places on the web.

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      • ATWYSingle Says:

        I was bringing up that scenario – a guy habitually bringing up his ex in order to compliment his current GF – as a point of comparison, and stand by it.

        I understand now. I interpreted your comment incorrectly.

        The only example we were given of this alleged “habitual” reference to the ex-girlfriend was some off the cuff mention of Mexico that made no reference to the ex-girlfriend. It could have meant anything. So, if that’s the example we’re given, I’m going to assume that these other mentions are equally innocuous and harmless and that the LW is reading more into them than intended. Couple that with the fact that she seems miffed that the female friend was actually complimenting her by saying there was no comparison between the two, and I’m going to assume that the problem isn’t the female friend, but the current girlfriend.

        The real clue to what’s going on is the fact that the boyfriend isn’t saying anything to the female friend about it. Clearly, he has no issue standing up to her if he defended his sister.

        Add all that together and all signs point to the girlfriend being the problem.

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        • Jenny Says:

          Them why’s he with this girlfriend? If she’s such a problem

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          • ATWYSingle Says:

            Because people stay with people all the time despite their flaws? Because maybe she has other good qualities that he chooses to focus on? Because he’s passive and is drawn to women like this? The list could go on. Him being with her is hardly evidence that the problem isn’t her.

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    • Fyodor Says:

      I actually read this the first time as comparing her unfavorably to the ex, but reading it again I see that you are right. Why would she complain about that? What a nut job.

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  6. Snowflake Says:

    I agree with Moxie. Take the high road, and going forward drop it with your bf on his girl bestie. Any convo’s with her and she brings up the ex, don’t react to, take the high road, say things that are neutral and positive like, “That’s nice..” for example.

    The less you react the less anyone would pay any more attention and you will see a change. Being a bull in a china shop will always get you no where.

    Sometimes people who “meddle” in that way will learn the hard way, by making their own mistakes. You will be surprised how much further you will get ahead in life by just taking the high road and ignoring the dramatics.

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  7. Mandy Says:

    His friend is weirdly bringing up the Ex. Not your boyfriend. It’s not like he’s joining in, right? I don’t see the issue. If she was gushing on and on about the ex, and your boyfriend was joining in, then I’d think he should quit it and say something about how he doesn’t want to talk about his ex.

    But I think you’re blowing this WAY out of proportion. His friend likes his ex. Who cares?

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  8. Bill Says:

    “I told him that it was a weird thing to say. That a more normal response would be “Wow, Ali is so great.” And why in god’s name is she comparing me to someone else, let alone remembering some girl you dated for three minutes years ago?”

    Gee, this sounds a lot like, “What gives her the right?” Well, I would say the fact that she knew him forever compared to the “one minute” you had been dating him at the time. And, a big part of meeting friends is to get their, hopefully good, opinion.

    “Over time, each time we’d meet, she’s somehow bring this “ex” into conversation. When we got back from a vacation to the Dominican, and I was telling her about it, her first response was, “oh like when he went to Mexico” (which he visited with the ex).”

    I don’t see a mention of the ex in this quote, except in your over-reaching to feel somehow threatened. HE DID GO TO MEXICO, that part of the experience doesn’t disappear because of who he was with at the time. If this is the best example you can give of her bringing the ex into the conversation every time you meet, then it’s pretty obvious to me that you feel overly threatened both my the ex and his female friend… which is inexplicable since she told him that he was far better off with you than the ex. Hence, “Wow. There’s no comparing.”

    And, you would fight, then brood for months about these perceived slights? Perhaps her first impression of you was off the mark.

    Grow up and stop manufacturing Junior High girl drama. (yes, I know it when I see it… I have teen daughters who have learned to handle drama girls)

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  9. Tadpole Says:

    I get being uncomfortable with some of the situation, but it needs to stay at exactly that, and not something larger. I’ve learned through the years that people take you more seriously if you’re not always complaining about something. If you’re not a person that usually complains or worries about something, then when you do mention it you’re not going to be shrugged off because well Ali is always going on about how people are out to get her.

    Both of the examples given are kinda silly to get upset over in my opinion. I definitely agree with Moxie that the first was a compliment. Who the hell cares if she was comparing you to someone he dated years ago when she says there’s no comparison! That’s one of the biggest compliments you can get and you’re upset because she compared you to his ex? Does that make any sense to be upset over? Hell with going ten rounds with the woman, you knocked her out in the first and you’re upset that she made a comparison?

    As for her mentioning Mexico, did anyone else think that maybe that’s all the woman had to contribute to the conversation? We don’t know what the conversation was about, but what if it was just a comment so she could participate in the conversation and not feel left out. We all make those comments. So she was explaining how they went snorkeling in the Dominican and she responded with, “Oh, like when he went to Mexico,” because oh I dunno, maybe he went snorkeling in Mexico and it gave her something to contribute to the conversation.

    I don’t feel like anything really needs to be said on his part. It just sounds like the LW is insecure about her boyfriend having an attractive friend, so she’s reading into everything.

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  10. Nicki Says:

    I feel like the OP is reaching for reasons to dislike this female friend of her boyfriends. It seems like the OP is threatened by her and the friend senses there is hostility. Unless the OP drops the attitude towards her then this is just going to get more uncomfortable.

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  11. Lisa Says:

    The whole thing may be petty and based on insecurity. But if these supposed comparisons to the exgf and the subsequent arguments they cause have been a recurring theme for this couple for 2.5 yrs, it’s time for the bf to take one for the team and say somethingto the friend like, “I’m tired of hearing about the exgf. Can we not talk about her anymore?”

    These ppl are in their 30s and have been dating for 2.5 yrs. It doesn’t seem unreasonable at this point that marriage would/should/could take place in the not too distant future. At some point the bf has to be willing to side with his gf over this female friend if the issue is that significant to the gf. At some point, in order for a relationship to progress, each person has to put the needs of their SO ahead of the needs of their platonic friends (within reason). It’s not reasonable to think a man and woman are going to have a serious, long-term relationship heading….somewhere…and he won’t politely side w/ his gf in an ongoing beef btwn his gf and another friend. He knows the friend’s personality and how he needs to frame his response the next time they go there so as not to be overly harsh but to simply get his point across: “hey, my gf thinks you’re being annoying so can you stop?” A “real” friendship should be able to handle that.

    But yeah, to me, the comment “Wow. There is no comparison” is ambiguous. And nowhere is it said that anyone explained what it meant…or how the LW heard about it. It really could have meant anything, and if it meant something bad, it’s unlikely anyone would have told her.

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  12. Ali Says:

    My BF told me too many details about this prior relationship at the beginning of our relationship, because she was the only girl he’d dated LT (5 months to him was that). He said he was sorry for the impression he made in doing that (that he was not over her), and that he wished he could fix it. I am therefore very sensitive about the topic, which he knows, which is why I’d expect him to say something to this friend. Plus, Mexico is a sore spot as he stupidly told me the ex owes him over $2,000 from that trip, but he never asked for it back, and never told his friends about the true nature of this relationship (not a few similar incidents).

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      If you feel like you could write a dissertation about this ex-, then I can definitely see why it’s a sore spot.

      Have you asked your BF to ask this friend not to bring her up?

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    • D. Says:

      Ok, I get why, at the start of a relationship, it might make you uncomfortable and/or wary to hear your partner go on at length about their ex. Granted, it was the only significant long-term-ish experience he’d had until the point where he met you, but I can still see why that might make you wish he’d pipe down about her.

      However, that was 2.5 years ago. He’s still with you. So…who cares about the ex? She’s ancient history now. Why does it matter that his friend is friends with her? And to be honest, the examples of things she’s said that put you in an unflattering light as compared to the ex…aren’t really unflattering at all. You’re the one who is interpreting them that way, and your perception isn’t necessarily what was intended by the friend.

      I don’t know what’s at the root of your concerns, but it sounds like it’s something beyond merely insecurity about the friend’s comments, and more likely about your own insecurities about yourself and/or your relationship with your boyfriend.

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    • Bill Says:

      “He said he was sorry for the impression he made in doing that (that he was not over her), and that he wished he could fix it.”

      He overshared that his ex treated him horribly, possibly to the point of trauma/PTSD, and you got the impression he was still hung up on her. Even though he broke up with her three years prior to meeting you?

      Sorry, but that is just ef’ed up, it’s not all about you.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        I can really understand the OP’s point of view where you get SO sick of hearing about an ex-, when you know so much, so many little nuances about her/the relationship that you feel like you could write a dissertation about it. When you feel like that, ANY mention of the ex- is painful, you’ll flip out over some innocuous story of her petting puppies in the park, because you are just SO DONE with the topic.

        BUT – agreed with everyone else that this should have gotten sorted out long before the 2.5 year mark. Something’s missing if this is still an issue.

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        • SB Says:

          I had a similar situation with a bf I really loved (and thought/knew that he loved me, too). But, too many details about an exgf that he was still friends with created such a major sore spot that there was no fixing it.

          It ended up causing me to feel insecure about our entire relationship, which tbh, I didn’t need to be. I’m wondering if there’s something else your bf is doing that is subconsciously making the OP insecure and, coupled with all these ex stories, is causing them both to sabotage the relationship.

          OP, make your best effort to eliminate this insecurity. This starts by identifying all of the causes of it completely separate from your bf – give him a break from hearing about this at all for awhile (I see you are in therapy, so use that space for this), and work like your life depended on getting over these fears. It’s likely your only chance for this relationship. It WILL end up sabotaging you in so many ways if you are unable to work past it (which is not a judgment on you; I wasn’t able to work past my situation and ended up destroying a relationship. Likely the best outcome in that situation, but yours may read very differently).

          I have met someone awesome since, so either outcome can be a happy ending.

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  13. Ali Says:

    Yes. We even went to my therapist on this issue a while back. She actually told my BF to come clean about this relationship, and tell friends it was a terrible experience for him. But he won’t do it. Won’t even say something to this best friend of his who meets up with the ex, who tells her what a great BF he was.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Okay, so it’s now clear that you’re threatened by his ex, not the female friend. Why do you care so much about things that went on with his ex? Why are you so bothered by people liking the ex? You’ve been with this guy almost 3 years and are STILL feeling insecure. As you said, you’re the one being sensitive about this. So sensitive that you decided to drag your boyfriend into your therapy session. Dude, the core of this issue is your insecurity, not your boyfriend. If your therapist hasn’t helped you come to that realization, you need a new therapist.

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  14. Ali Says:

    You know Moxie, it’s not a crime to be insecure. We all are. And sometimes in life it’s nice to have somebody who has your back, and will actively support whatever secret neediness we all hold. We all want someone like that. I really don’t believe otherwise.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      No, insecurity isn’t a crime. But when that insecurity causes you to point the finger of blame at everybody else and drag people into your therapy sessions, it crosses a line. Sorry if that offends you, but being insecure to the extreme that you are isn’t cute or quirky.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        My sister once had a coworker that brought her boyfriend of four months to a therapy session with her. He would only tell her he loved her in French (no, he wasn’t personally French, in case you’re wondering) and she felt they should work that out. #ICan’t

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      I was once joking around with a BF, making a little Senor Wences mouth with my hand and saying, “My friend wants to keess you.” It seemed to bug him, so I asked about it, and he was like, “I’m sorry, but I instinctively flinch when a woman puts her hand near my face.” He did trust me not to hit him, but still flinched out of instinct (and I cut it out, obviously).

      Point being, sometimes you “get” something intellectually but still have an emotional reaction anyway because it’s so ingrained. It’s understandable, but it’s also not anyone else’s fault. Do your best to own your behavior and separate feelings from facts. (This assumes you can differentiate logically reached conclusions from emotional reactions).

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    • Snowflake Says:

      My insecurities are mine and mine alone to manage and control. As an adult that is my accountability and responsibility.

      People should not be walking on eggshells around me, its an unfair burden to place on the people in my life or the strangers I meet when they have nothing to do with it.

      Because an ex cheated on me so many years ago, why is the onus on the person I am currently dating to have to coddle me to the point I do not learn and grow?

      As for your situation, I understand if this was a new 6 mths – 1 year, but after almost 3 years, that insecurity should dissipate, not at this point where you have a huge chip on your shoulder. Using your insecurity in this way will push people including your bf away from you. and you will not realise it before its too late.

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    • Bill Says:

      So he over shared with you how horribly his ex treated him, possibly to the point of PTSD, so to “have your back” he has to publicly “confess” how horribly he was treated by her to all of his friends to save you from what, exactly? Being the only one he felt comfortable enough to confide in?

      IMO, he wants to move on, leave it behind, is sorry he ever told you. You won’t let him because of something, what I don’t even pretend to understand, that has to do with you. None of this does other than he confided his pain to you.

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  15. Shadowcat Says:

    Ali keeps disclosing little nuggets as the thread moves on. There is probably a lot more to this story than even we know now. If this guy was truly best friends with this girl, he should have already told his friend to avoid any discussion of the EX. But for all we know, maybe he did. If the Guy’s BF is truly friends with this Ex,, and recent friends at that, there might be some cattiness etc., going on behind Ali’s back. Or there might not. But even in the late thirties, I see this sort of thing go on all the time.

    Now, from what the OP said, it doesn’t seem like all that incredibly a big deal to me, but often women will behave in a way that is insulting and disrespectful to one another that is hard to explain on paper, and nearly impossible to a man observing a situation.

    I was in a situation a long time ago where my then BF’s “Bestie” and I hated each other. At a party she says “Weeelllll, Look at YOU Shadow, (obviously that’s not my real name, but anyway) Hmmmm…. sexy, sexy” Now she was patronizing me and being sarcastic, and it was obvious to female observers (though to be fair, they hated her too, she was kind of a bitch and didn’t have any female friends) & I was annoyed. My boyfriend defended her “She must have thought you really looked good that night, she was giving you a compliment, what’s your problem? She’s just trying to be nice”. Uh, no. She wasn’t.

    This may be a silly example, but on paper (and to my BF) my response seems irrational, especially when you don’t take into account the sneer on her face and the thinly veiled dislike we had for each other. This could be similar, especially if this has been 2.5 years of built up resentment. There are probably a lot of tiny little catty comments over those years that are too plentiful for the OP to try to list. This didn’t come from a vacuum.

    Or Ali is insecure and overreacting, what do we know?

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  16. JulesP Says:

    Ali hi,

    Frankly I’m amazed after reading everything above that you two are still together! Calm down, take a step back and look at yourself..

    You’re a bag of nerves and I’m not sure why you are still which each other… cannot be that you both enjoy feeding off each other’s anxieties or insecurites because that is just insane.

    Please, if you decide to continue in this relationship then accept that your man has had a life before you and that he has – for better or worse a BFF (best female friend). Can’t you somewhere see that maybe – just maybe he’s chosen you to be his girlfriend!!!?

    If you can’t get on top of your awful insecurities then you are going to self destruct the relationship.

    I think you are allowing the other women in his life to drag you down. You know what they say.. if you can’t beat ‘em then join ‘em.. and I mean this in a positive sense… try to befriend; try to make this work for you.

    Good luck,
    Jules

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