Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Linda
Comment: I’ve been texting and emailing with this guy I met online for over two months. We attempted to meet a few times, but he cancelled once and I had to cancel once due to personal obligations and being sick. He was away on work trips, then I was away on vacation. During the whole time I’ve been dating other people. The fun banter we had over text was entertaining and I was intrigued enough to keep talking to him on and off (and admittedly was very attracted to his pictures), but felt in my gut he was an online time waster. I kept talking to him because I was bored during dating droughts and thought he was cute and funny, so texted him back (probably a bad idea looking back). Also as Moxie has discussed before in her blog, online dating in your mid to late 30s is difficult and I probably give too many people more chances then they deserve now than I did in my 20s and early 30s.
About a week ago we actually met in person for the first time and the date went really well. Now we’re trying to plan a second date, and when he asked me to come to his place to cook me dinner, I told him I wasn’t comfortable going to his place so soon but would like to see him again and we could meet somewhere in the city. He got offended saying I was assuming things about him that weren’t true, and didn’t understand why I wasn’t comfortable with him yet after texting for months- he said he couldn’t believe all those conversations “meant nothing” to me. He said he thought I was projecting onto him baggage from other guys, and that going to his apartment does not automatically mean we have to have sex. Texting to me means nothing. Anything that comes before the first date doesn’t really count, and it’s not like we texted about these intimate details about ourselves and our lives, it was mostly joking, talking about what we were doing, and trying to make plans, etc., very light texts. Am I being crazy thinking texting for months without meeting in person means nothing? I feel like he’s trying to manipulate me to get what he wants, trying to make me feel guilty for not being comfortable enough with him yet to go to his place on just the second date. If he’s really interested, it wouldn’t matter where we went on the second date, I would think he’d just want to see me again regardless of the location. I guess I’m writing in about this because I’ve seen Moxie reply to some questions about trying not to label the guy a creep when he invites you to his place so soon in dating, and there are times when you should give it a chance and just keep your boundaries clear.
City: New York
State: New York
I told him I wasn’t comfortable going to his place so soon but would like to see him again and we could meet somewhere in the city. He got offended saying I was assuming things about him that weren’t true, and didn’t understand why I wasn’t comfortable with him yet after texting for months- he said he couldn’t believe all those conversations “meant nothing” to me.
I heard a great saying the other day that applies to this situation.
No one has ever been offended by a statement that doesn’t apply to them.
You were assuming things about him that were absolutely true. The “let me make you dinner at my place” second or third date is cliche at this point. Cooking a meal for a woman on the second or third date is a move, one that most women know about at this point. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. He’s bent because you saw through his act while he sat there thinking he was so suave and clever.
I feel like he’s trying to manipulate me to get what he wants, trying to make me feel guilty for not being comfortable enough with him yet to go to his place on just the second date.
He is trying to manipulate you. When a guy feels a need to do those kinds of verbal gymnastics to prove something, be warned. In the off chance that this douchebag actually cared about your feelings, he would have immediately backed off from the invitation and said he understood. Instead, he plowed along on his guilt trip hoping you’d cave.
The reason this guy is immediately being dismissed as a douchebag is because of how he tried to turn your rejection around on you. There’s nothing wrong with a man or woman hoping to get laid after a date. Is a guy automatically a player for doing the dinner at my place thing? No. Not every guy is desperate to get in a woman’s pants all the time. But this guy is. Desperate, I mean. So much so that he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re the one with issues. That’s the red flag here, along with the two month long email exchange that resulted in only one date. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is that busy that they can’t find two hours in two months to meet for a drink. He’s not the President of The United States.
You’re completely within your rights not to assign a huge level of familiarity to those email exchanges. Until you meet someone, they are nothing more than a one dimensional character to you. They do not merit an extensive level of emotional attachment. If they do develop such a devotion strictly through email, that’s not a good sign.
You know what to do next.
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