Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Bumblyboo
Comment: Recently talking to a guy on OKC and asked him out for a beer after a rough day. He replied “only if you’re buying”. Are women giving into this douchebag attitude and reinforcing this kind of behavior? Wtf?
City: New York
State: New York
Well, first things first…are you sure he wasn’t kidding? I have a feeling he wasn’t, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if someone on OKCupid was utterly socially tone deaf.
Sadly, yes, I think many women are giving in to this behavior in that they are engaging it far longer than they should. We briefly discussed this OkCupid scenario in last night’s post. A guy emailed the author and immediately honed in on her mole. Now, a seasoned online dater or, you know, grown non-attention seeking self-victimizing adult, would immediately know that the guy was trying to get a rise out of the author. Instead of blocking him right away, she continued to answer his ridiculous questions, no doubt rubbing her hands together thinking of all the head pats she was going to get when she posted the story.
I’m sure many of you have heard of Christina Topacio. Recently, her story of being fat shamed by a guy she met on Tinder went viral. The difference in the two stories is that, in Topacio’s case, she had been communicating with the guy for a short time and his comment about her body literally came out of nowhere. For those of you who don’t know the story, the guy felt compelled to tell Christina that, if she lost weight, she’d be so much prettier. So much, you guise. In Marci’s case, she saw the bullshit express train coming a mile away and refused to move out of the way because she enjoys being a human punching bag and writing about it for praise.
Getting into arguments with men like this and trying to put them in their place only encourages them to keep doing it. They want a reaction. By debating them, you’re giving them the attention they seek. That’s why you should just block and delete users like this.
These was sort of a long way to answer your question, Bumblyhoo. Have guys gotten more douchey? I don’t know. I think fuckwits like the one’s in all of these stories have always been there. Negging isn’t exactly new, nor is concern trolling women about their attractiveness. The reality is that a lot of men feel completely comfortable expressing their unsolicited opinions about our looks or body. Many men are still under the impression that we exist solely for their gaze. As such, they believe they have free reign when it comes to offering suggestions about how we could become more attractive. Because, see, that’s our main purpose on this earth. I think we’re hearing more about this sort of behavior now because of social media.
All of that said, I think a lot of men on dating sites are tired of being used for free stuff. You asked this guy for a drink, which means you should have expected to pay. While completely tactless, it sounds to me like the guy was trying to make his expectations clear. Additionally, I think it’s safe to assume this guy wasn’t terribly interested in you, which brings me to the dating leagues issue we often discuss here. If this guy was genuine in his interest for you, he wouldn’t have said that. He would have met up with you and offered to pay.
It’s possible that you misinterpreted his comment completely. This is why messaging should stay at a minimum and joking around should be reserved for in person meetings. Half the time, the attempts at humor fall flat.
I’m not sure what the right answer is here because I don’t have the full conversation. But regardless of what was said, somebody who would shoot a come back like that at a stranger probably isn’t great company anyway. Bullet dodged.
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