Sometimes People Are Just Thoughtless and Stupid

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Confusedmancon
:
Comment: Met a woman at a meetup event. After chatting for a few hours, asked for, and received her number. Two days later texted her a quick text, just to see if she still remembered me. The next day called and asked her out, she said yes. Minimal contact in the days between the date on my end. Had the date, had a good time (I thought) a quick peck on the lips. Days later asked her out again, says yes. We spent so much time on the date, time flew by for both of us. Walked her to her car, leaned in for a kiss, made out for a few seconds. Two days later, text her to ask her out again, and literally in one text talked about how hanging out with me was one of the best things, to two texts later revealing how she just got out of a relationship last month and ‘didn’t know what she was doing and didn’t want me to waste my time.’ WTF? I don’t get it. Was I dealing with a sociopath? I’m so confused one side wonders if so came on too strong and that scared her, or if she really did rush into a relationship. I’m asking should I ask why she behaved that way but wasn’t interested in pursuing anything further, or should I let this go? Thanks.
Age: 42
City: Worcester
State: Massachusetts

First, if changing your mind were an outlier to sociopathy, then we’d all be in trouble. You had two dates with this woman. Let’s not be melodramatic. She’s obviously not in a place for a relationship. That’s the only piece of relevant information that you need. Maybe she really is too discombobulated to date anybody seriously or maybe she just thinks your breath stinks. It’s six of one, half a dozen of the other. Neither reason matters beyond the fact that she’s bailing. So, say goodbye and move on, sailor.

If you ask her why she did what she did, either she’ll offer some disjointed explanation or she’ll lie. You’re never going to know why, so don’t bother trying to figure it out. Many times on this site I’ve reiterated that most people, when confronted like this, will give a reason for their behavior that isn’t true just to avoid conflict. That’s why demanding answers is useless. You will never be told the real story. You may get half the truth, but not all of it.

I highly doubt she knows why she’s all over the place other than she’s still smarting from a break-up.  Trying to get an explanation from her will make you look like the crazy one given that you really shouldn’t be this  invested after a couple of dates.

People are stupid and do stupid things. There’s your answer. I know that isn’t comforting, but in most cases that’s the most accurate explanation for why people behave like this.

 

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

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19 Responses to “Sometimes People Are Just Thoughtless and Stupid”

  1. JulesP Says:

    OK… sometimes we go on a date with someone who we may have been “on the fence” about. That is to say, that they may feel it’s worth their while spending some time with you on one date.. maybe two, and it is entirely possible that following those one or two dates, and a kiss that doesn’t do it for them, that they’re going to tell you … thanks, but no.

    It doesn’t mean that she’s a thoughtless, stupid sociopath, whatever… it means that it’s a no go! It means most likely she felt no chemistry or spark or whatever you want to call it. At least she had the presence to tell you no and not ‘do the fade’.

    Good luck

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  2. Abby Says:

    I personally think that the simple answer to why this happens, and it happens a lot, is that the person who bails -wanted- it to work. Really really wanted it to work, tried to force it and for whatever reason, couldn’t get there. This happened to me a lot in my dating years. I wanted so badly to find a good guy, date, marry, etc. I went on lots and lots and lots of dates. so many times the guy would be great on paper, or we’d be set up because we had so much in common, or I would meet a guy in some social situation and be really hoping that this would be the one, only to not feel anything when we would go out on the date. Many times I couldn’t even articulate what that was. This happened with nice looking, decent hardworking men. More than once.

    And so, I might go out on another date or two trying to -make- myself be attracted, or find that spark or what have you. There were even times I dated someone for a few months trying to force a relationship that something inside of me didn’t want. I’m pretty sure some of the men I really liked bailed on me for the same reasons. A few great dates, then-poof, gone.

    And I also think that a big part of why this is so frustrating is because when you don’t feel it, but you want to, you try too hard. And so you do the “fake it till you make it” thing on these dates and then of course they seem so great to the clueless person on the date with you who has no idea of your true feelings.

    If I think back and compare some of those men to my husband now, and there’s not much difference. My husband is much like some of the men I tried to force it with, and even now I can’t say with any certainty why I felt different with him. Except to say that he was the one.
    Try not to take it personally OP-she just wasn’t for you. Good luck!

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **If I think back and compare some of those men to my husband now, and there’s not much difference. My husband is much like some of the men I tried to force it with, and even now I can’t say with any certainty why I felt different with him.**

      Yeah, that’s true. I would always write up summaries of my dates when I was doing OKCupid in earnest. Not so much about any one person, but to notice patterns and try to put my finger on why some dates worked and some didn’t. That’s just kinda my thing, to analyze feelings and clarify plans of action through writing; others might think it’s a chore or keeps them from moving on, dunno.

      Had a pleasant time on first date with current BF, but wasn’t sure if it was going anywhere, since I’d had plenty of pleasant dates that didn’t go anywhere. He did make me laugh really hard, and we seemed to have similar emotional intimacy needs/styles.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Back to the OP, it could very well be true that she’s too hung up on her ex-. As Moxie said, it’s six of one, half dozen of the other if the answer is “no, thanks” either way. But at least telling yourself she’s truly mixed up and confused might stop you from analyzing to death what you might have done wrong.

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        • Lucy Says:

          She could be being honest as well. I have said that to guys before and genuinely meant it. It might be that she’s over her ex and/or wants to be single for a while.

          It’s kind of like when you ask for feedback from a job interview. You are left wondering for a while what the exact reason is that you didn’t get the job. Eventually you move on because you’ll never understand the real reason and the outcome is the same anyway. Dates are kind of like job interviews in a way…well sometimes.

          @fuzzilla – love what you said about writing up dates :) I’m a bit of an analyst too! I’ve actually had some guys tell me I’m too analytical haha.

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    • mxf Says:

      I totally agree with this. I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat across a drinks table with a perfectly lovely person, having an interesting and engaging conversation, and left feeling really neutral about whether or not I ever see him again. It’s one of the strange things about online dating that I wasn’t at all prepared for, and it was also one of the tougher things to explain to a couple of close friends who were interested in how these dates “went.” I kind of thought it would break down into bad dates, which are easy to parse, and good dates, which would automatically have potential to slowly build momentum. I didn’t know what to do with everything-is-fine-and-yet-I-don’t-think-either-of-us-cares-to-see-the-other-again dates. There was some trial and error where I tried pulling the plug right away, or alternately seeing the person for longer than I might have wished in the hopes that the problem was my impatience and that a connection might be forthcoming. In my experience it doesn’t yield much to go past that ambivalent feeling for more than two dates, but I’m sure that varies person to person.

      In the OP’s case, all he needs to know is that she bowed out. Wish her luck and move on with dignity, as this ending is a pretty common experience for everyone out there dating.

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    • Lucy Says:

      You put that into the words in my head too. And like you did, I try not to force it because when I have done in the past, it becomes a burden. And this is pretty much the story of my dating life at the moment but I figure that at least I am being honest with myself and not leading someone on longer than necessary. But I also agree, at least give it a few dates and see how you feel on the kiss. I think this is a determining factor for some people. Not that the kiss is bad if you fail, just that you didn’t feel what you wanted to feel.

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  3. AC Says:

    “First, if changing your mind were an outlier to sociopathy, then we’d all be in trouble.”

    Exactly. Especially when it comes to dating. The bottom line is we don’t know this woman’s backstory and can only speculate why she acted how she did.

    Chalk it up as a learning experience. Maybe she did have “the best time.” It sounds she’s over her ex. or emotionally unavailable in some way. In short, breathe a sigh of relief and move one.

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  4. xxxxx Says:

    I truly sympathise with men and women who need to know why a seemingly good romantic prospect turned out to be anything but.
    Men need to know what they are doing wrong to avoid wasting any more time (time is money to men), money, energy chasing after dead ends, while women need to know what they are doing wrong to avoid investing too much of their emotions, hopes and energy in something which does not bear fruit. This is where how you pick your online dates are so so crucial, even more so than IRL where you can pick up more clues as to what kind of prospect the other party is presenting. If you are going to pick men or women based on their looks or how they look on paper, rather than what exactly it is that they say in their profile, don’t be surprised when you end up with a situation like this.

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    • Confused Says:

      FYI, I met her ‘IRL’. So…

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      • xxxxxxxx Says:

        Yes. Meeting in person at a meetup event is not much different to meeting someone online. You really don’t know them or their intentions apart from what they say, and how they look and maybe how they say it. I met both my ex partners through work or friends, so I knew a fair bit about them before we actually dated.
        Also, with partners met through friends or work colleagues, there is tendency not to date unless you are truly genuine about finding someone. If you are just out for free meals, validation, NSA fun or whatever trivial reason, you don’t date people you meet through your social networks, or you are going to be ostracised.

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        • Confused Says:

          “Yes. Meeting in person at a meetup event is not much different to meeting someone online. You really don’t know them or their intentions apart from what they say, and how they look and maybe how they say it. ”

          Isn’t that true if you met them at a bar? Or a grocery store? Chatted them up on the train? I’m just saying what you’re talking about is pretty much universal, not just online or a meetup group

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          • Lisa Says:

            I think xxxxxxxxx means in a situation where a person knows he/she is being sized up for a relationship vs. where a person is just going about their business, behaving naturally, not expecting anything romantic or sexual to develop.

            And a scenario where ppl are introduced by a mutual friend is a third option…also different dynamics.

            All three have their pros and cons.

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  5. Mark Says:

    You both liked what you saw online.

    You then both had a couple of casual dates.

    Then she texts you back with the news.

    Maybe she was playing it straight with you and really wasn’t ready to move on despite giving it a shot. Maybe she was telling you a socially acceptable little white lie in an effort to make things palatable (it’s not you, it’s me). In the end it really doesn’t matter all that much. End result is still the same.

    But calling her a sociopath is going a bit far. Seriously, if she really were out to do some damage she had more than ample opportunity to really mess with you. Sorry, but it was a couple of dates. Nothing more. Don’t go overboard with it.

    Just chalk it up to one of those things and move forward.

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  6. Jack Says:

    Sometimes, I wish some of the people on this blog who write in could be more sympathetic to the OPs who write in expressing dating disappointment. We have all experienced this in dating.

    To the OP, when this happens I can guarantee you it is because there is another guy in the picture or an ex. The ex can be a former husband or boyfriend. What is amazing to me, is that it doesn’t matter what a complete douche or loser the ex is–they will win out over you. For example, once upon a time, I was dating this lady and we were having a great time. We even fooled around. I asked her out again, she accepts and that evening she does a 180 and breaks up with me–out of nowhere. It was like taking a bat to the face; I was totally surprised.

    Several weeks later we talk and she admits her ex is still in the picture who she divorced a year ago. I did not measure up to her ex who is a former alcoholic, diagnosed as bi polar and who has attempted suicide at least once. Oh, and did I mention he recently got arrested for a DWI and was manipulative like most crazies of his type? Anyway, my sane, emotionally balanced and debt free self moved on and so should you.

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  7. PGH_Gal Says:

    I have to say I have never understood why men want to know why they are being rejected. From turning down a guy in a bar, to this OP’s letter, I feel that a lot of men want the woman to explain the rejection. I’m not sure if this is honest curiosity or if there’s some entitlement/privilege involved.

    Just an observation.

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    • Confused Says:

      Maybe for the same reason women write in to Moxie asking why that man they met at xxx event that they felt they had strong chemistry with, made out with, and texted all weekend with all of the sudden stopped texting?

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    • Bill Says:

      “I have to say I have never understood why men want to know why they are being rejected.”

      Guys are built to find solutions to problems, and nobody likes being rejected, even guys. It might help to understand if you look at guys’ questions in forums such as these as:

      1) Did I do something wrong that I should avoid doing in the future?

      or

      2) Did I miss some big red flag(s) that I should avoid in the future so I’m not just wasting my time?

      “From turning down a guy in a bar, to this OP’s letter, I feel that a lot of men want the woman to explain the rejection. I’m not sure if this is honest curiosity or if there’s some entitlement/privilege involved.”

      Whoa, sista! Some rando who EXPECTS a conversation just because he tapped on your shoulder at a bar (who approaches a woman without the “invitation” looks and smiles? WTF?), or EXPECTS a roll in the sheets just because you talked to him, is light years from this guy who is legitimately “WTF?” confused from wildly mixed signals.

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  8. Ana Says:

    Moxie, you really hate women.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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