Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): arabella
Comment: I met a guy from pof.com. After the 1st date, he texted to say that he would like the opportunity to get to know me. I told him “sure that sounds great.” Later that evening, he texted to ask if he could call me at 10pm. I was on a date with someone else so i texted the next morning “sorry. I fell asleep.” He has texted 2 or 3 times since to wish me a happy day. Should i stop responding since he isnt asking me out? Whats with guys who do nothing but text photos of flowers and ask permission to call? What happened to men who just call and ask u out?
City: new york
State: new york
First things first: get off Plenty Of Fish. That site is a garbage pail full of cast offs and rejects.
Since I don’t know how you are responding to these guys, I can’t say for certain why this guy isn’t asking you for another date. It sounds like he’s looking for a sign from you that you would actually say yes. So give it to him. Just ask him out. Don’t sit on principle and wait for him to make the move, especially if you’re not giving him any indication you actually like him. It works both ways, this dating thing. If I sent someone a text asking if I could call them that evening and they replied the next morning with, “Sorry. Fell asleep” and nothing more, I’d delete their number. That response was dismissive and rude.
What you should say in a situation like that is, “Sorry, I just got this. Can we talk tonight?” These early conversations are volleys of affection and interest. If he shows interest, you return it. Simple, really, yet so many people don’t seem to get that.
Judging by some of your comments on this post, I get the feeling that you want a man who will take the lead. If he’s not completely confident and assertive from the start, you deem him wishy washy and say he has “feminine” energy. Because to be feminine means to be submissive and weak, amirite? You recently said:
Both male and female energy are equal and have their strengths but they are different strengths. A woman will never be a man do why try? Let the man be the male energy. Relationships flow smoothly that way. I would rather be alone then be in a relationTship with a man who is ambivalent about me and does not express how much he loves and cherishes me
Your blatant internalized misogyny aside, your bigger problem is that you don’t seem to like to give an inch until the man proves to you how into you he is after one date. That’s the challenge here for you. You want a guy who meets you once and decides he must scale mountains to have you.
Those days are gone. They went the way of the flip phone. Men calling women and asking them out is not a thing anymore. Now, men and women are usually juggling one or two or three suitors at a time while maintaining accounts on various online dating platforms. Another shift in the paradigm is that women are now having to shake loose all those rules and behaviors they’ve been conditioned with since birth and, for lack of a better term, sack up. That includes you.
Needing everything to be set in stone and requiring that the guy do all the heavy lifting and confirm the date and make the plans and follow up is absurd at this stage of the game. Online dating – dating, really – is played pretty fast and loose these days. Rigidity is was killed the dinosaurs.
Judging by the number of women OUTRAGED that the guy from this post used the phrase “let’s pencil it in” when setting a date, it’s clear that a lot of women feel totally comfortable relieving themselves of all their agency when it comes to romantic interactions. Rather than seek clarity themselves, they wait for the man to do it. Again we have an example of something that is considered unthinkable in another other aspect of our life except when it comes to dating. Time to stop with that shit.
As I said to you in a recent comment, I side-eye women who talk of wanting an “Alpha Male.” I absolutely understand preferring a man who is proactive and confident, but the term “Alpha Male” is an outdated one. Those men, the Gordon Gecco/Don Draper types who go after what they want with no apologies don’t really exist anymore. Masculinity (and Femininity) are changing. Traits that were once widely considered to be assigned to one gender or the other are becoming interchangeable. Clinging to antiquated gender roles and perceptions will do you no good.
So, you might just have to lower your expectations a bit and get comfortable with doing some of the work.
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