How Does She Get Out Of The Casual Sex Zone?

Question: What to do if guys you meet always want to take youcasual-sex-art_0 on a first  date to his apartment? I know funds are tight but there are restaurants selling $1.00 pizza… what can a girl do to get out of the just want to have sex zone?


First, yes, if a man tries to get you to have your first date at his apartment, he has little to no interest in anything other than sex. It has nothing to do with finances. He just doesn’t want to make any effort. I have to say that guys like this a special brand of douchey, so it surprises me that you aren’t better able to spot them. These are the guys who drag their feet about meeting up, text you all day and night, say things that are sexual in nature, etc. They don’t really try to hide that they just want sex.

As for your other question about what a woman can do to get out of the just want to have sex zone, the answer is simple: you can’t. Why? Because it’s impossible to know a person’s true motivations. If someone just wants to have sex, you’ll never know until after the fact. Our default position is “just sex” until someone gets to know us.

If this is something that happens to you with regularity, then there’s really just one cause. Well, two. First, you are impressed by words and not  actions. These guys aren’t even trying to make a good impression. They don’t care if they offend or alienate you. That’s an immediate red flag.

Second, you probably bat out of your league. Like, way out. I think most women have found themselves in the situation where a guy tries to pull the “let’s watch a movie at my place for our first date” thing. But if it “always” happens, there’s a major red flag being missed across the board. You’re encountering men who can’t be bothered to put their best foot forward for you. Like I said, most women have had to deal with that at one time or another. But it shouldn’t happen more than a couple of times before you realize you have to recalibrate your picker.

Your picker sounds like it might be broken. You are somehow missing the signs that these men want nothing to do with you outside of a one or two night stand. I’m not saying that you are sending any kind of vibe (though you could be) but I am suggesting that you’re going for sketchy men. Usually, they’re very charismatic and charming and perform the very basic gestures of emailing compliments and sending flirty texts. They exert the minimum work required. The other consistent clue is that they are men you don’t normally attract. That’s where the “out of your league” part enters the picture. Basically, they’re better looking that you can typically pull. That is the real sign you’re punching out of your weight class.

By a certain point, we all know what sort of person is drawn to us. We also know when someone fantastical is showing interest. That’s when you need to have your guard up. If someone you normally wouldn’t attract starts showing interesting, be cautious. That’s the warning shot.

This scenario is one of the reasons I’m hesitant to advise women to ask men out. The reality is that a lot of women simply do not understand that many men are as interested as their options at the time. Broad generalization alert! If you can accept that, then by all means, ask away. But if you’re a woman who thinks, “Well, he had sex with me so he must be attracted to me!” then don’t do it, because that simply isn’t true.

No matter how well tuned your radar is, you’ll never be able to avoid these guys completely. But a good start is to recognize the patterns involved and learning to avoid them.




Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)


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21 Responses to “How Does She Get Out Of The Casual Sex Zone?”

  1. Bill Says:

    OP, Moxie is absolutely correct on this.

    If a guy is only interested in sex with you, you aren’t going to change that fact with that guy. Since this is a re-occurring theme with the guys you meet, then there is a problem with your picker, and as Moxie states, the most frequent picker problem is batting out of your league.

    Also, you don’t mention where you are meeting these guys (nor your age and city)… is it possible that you are meeting them somewhere that hook-ups are the norm?

    • Sandra Says:

      Sorry, I am not buying the batting out of her league theory. Even the most ordinary, average Joe, working stiffs with a beer belly try to pull this. Just don`t agree to it, and move on.

      • KK Says:

        I was only getting hit on by guys who just wanted sex. Then I started getting hit on by guys who were genuinely interested in me. There was absolutely nothing different between those guys – there were no difference in their leagues.

        What did change was actually talking to the guys beforehand.

        • Bill Says:

          You bring up a really important point… there are decent guys out there, but a woman needs to spend some time “weeding” to filter out the NSA-sex-only guys, if that’s not her cup of tea.

          For the women, it may feel like panning for the rare nugget, but I personally think there are a lot more decent guys out there than your inbox might seem to indicate. It is a math thing. The NSA guys tend to contact HUNDREDS of women because they are playing the numbers.

          Guys who are interested in dating and open to a relationship DON’T send out a hundred “hey” or “fantastic smile” PMs a week, rather a handful of well thought-out, personalized PMs… and, not only are we willing, we would prefer to build rapport via PM/chat before a first date. When I was actively looking (I’m in a promising relationship now :)) I would only send 2-3 PMs a week and PM or chat for a week or two before asking to meet. If I was actively dating a woman, I didn’t send out any.

          See what I mean with the math? I would attempt maybe 5 contacts in a month versus the hundreds a “numbers” guy might send, basically to every pretty picture he encountered.

          So, women who only respond to the “hunkiest” guys who send them a “hey” and the guy rapidly wants to meet for drinks will likely find themselves in the OP’s shoes.

      • Bill Says:

        “What to do if guys you meet always want to take you on a first date to his apartment?”

        Sandra, I agree that any individual guy, regardless of his league, might just be looking for NSA sex. However, if every guy she meets always takes this road, she’s either only meeting with guys out of her league, or “fishing” for them somewhere associated with NSA hook-ups.

        The tone of her letter makes it clear that this is not what she is looking for, so she should absolutely move on. No doubt about that.

        But, she should also re-examine her process of how she finds and picks these guys rather than beating her head against the same brick wall, over and over.

  2. Kyra Says:

    I mean, nothing is making you have sex with these guys. If you get to their place and realize that their only intention is for sex, then you can leave.

    • xxxxx Says:

      But how would you know that their only intention is sex ? Like Moxie said, you only find out after the fact. When a guy invites a woman over to his place, more often than not, he is hoping or even expecting sex.
      If your intention is not for casual sex, then don’t go to a guy’s place on the first date. Use the first or second dates to assess his intentions, accepting that he could always turn out to be a douche despite your best efforts at “sussing” or “sniffing” him out.

      • Kyra Says:

        Well of course, if you’re not interested in getting at all physical then going to someone’s place on a first date is an abombinable idea.

        I’m just saying that nothing is keeping her there if she changes her mind.

        • Bill Says:

          If she is finding these guys online, first dates away from public spaces is a big safety issue. Unfortunately, there are predators out there… willing walking into their lair with no idea who is on the other end of a PM is a bad idea.

  3. BTownGirl Says:

    I couldn’t agree more to just ignore it unless it’s happening habitually. I recently had a guy I hooked up with once years ago move back into my area and message me trying to get together. Not for a drink, not for dinner, but to literally go to his apartment and shtup him. When I tell you I haven’t seen this guy in years, I’m not exaggerating. When I tell you this guy is less good-looking than most of my actual boyfriends, I’m not exaggerating. I wouldn’t try and “convert” any of these guys, because many of these dudes are no prize to begin with, I’m guessing.

  4. Lisa Says:

    Is the letter writer asking what can she do to avoid these situations in the first place? Or how to change her status w/ these men once she already has NSA sex w/ them?

    If it’s the first, don’t go to their apts until you are sure you’re comfortable taking the relationship to that (sexual) level.

    If it’s the second, make yourself scarce and see if any of them even notice you’re missing. If they do, tell them you need to focus your efforts on building a real relationship. If they are interested, they will try to build one with you. (Some just won’t. Accept that.)

    • xxxxx Says:

      To be honest, trying to “convert” yourself to relationship status after NSA sex is a lost cause. The men you have NSA sex with have already made up their minds that you are not relationship material, so they only pursue NSA sex if they find you attractive enough, or until such time they find the woman they want to have a relationship with.
      Once men have made up their minds about a woman, that is pretty much it. Even if they realise they made a mistake about how they judged a woman, they seldom go back on their original decisions, due to ego and not wanting to second guess themselves

  5. Mark Says:

    Unfortunately, the LW doesn’t say her age or if this is type of this is happening all too often with the guys she is meeting. I can only speculate about a lot given the short length of the letter.

    While I might disagree with Moxie about the out of her league (I have no way of knowing given the information provided), I would say that her advice is a decent set of considerations to start with.

    As for my two cents- set boundaries for yourself and make it clear to him. You can do this in a nice way without coming across as overly defensive.

    So if a guy really isn’t listening to what you are saying, or is ignoring it, then you might reconsider continuing seeing him. Ditto if he is insistent on going back to his place/your place too soon if you have already expressed a reluctance to do either of those two things.

    There are a number of other things things to consider and I’m sure some of the ladies on hear can offer more concrete advice as to what has been effective for them in this type of situation.

    Best of luck and hope things improve.

    • xxxxxx Says:

      Agreed that playing within your league does not immunise you from this sort of thing. Hell, even men way below your league pull these sorts of stunts. Either they have a delusional idea about their own worth, or as I have noticed more often than not, they accept you won’t ever have an on-going thing with them, so they try to charm or guilt or manipulate you into a one-off and hopefully get bragging rights about having caught her stunner.

  6. Bree Says:

    I think at least 2/3 men on dating sites are only looking for casual sex. Think about it. Men look at porn online. They look at webcam sites and escort sites and they either run out of money to continue on those sites or can’t afford them in the first place. They figure out AdultFriendFinder is full of mostly prostitutes and scams, so they resort to the “high maintenance” women of dating sites who require some getting-to-you time (because most women are NOT on dating sites looking for quick sex). The dating sites have a similar layout to porn/escort/webcam sites: Search functions and photos of women to pick from! Pretty creepy, huh ladies?

    I’m pretty sure about 2/3 men on Okcupid have set up bullshit profiles about being single with no kids, blast out those “hey, how’s your Tuesday going” messages and eventually find women to sexually entertain them for free, whether it’s sending photos for them to whack to, having “text sex” or making a late night date at a bar in HER neighborhood so there’s high probability of sex afterwards. Many of them are more slick, pretending to be interested in a relationship only to get her in the sack a few times before disappearing when they find another novelty.

    There are a lot of sex and porn addicts out there and most of them have dating profiles. This is the sad reality women must face when dating online. You can call yourself a “sex positive feminist” and believe that “porn is just sex” but WOMEN are the ones objectified and used in straight porn and mainstream entertainment, not men. So we are considered disposable to a lot of men. Being “comfortable with your sexuality” as a woman doesn’t change the fact that most men you meet have the intention to use you and be done with you. And Moxie is right, many times we just don’t know it’s happening until it’s too late. Nobody likes to feel used.

    • xxxxxxx Says:

      Maybe eventually women who are after marriage and serious relationships will return to the “good ole days” of having prospects introduced through family connections, friends and religious groups/church. Or meet prospects through work, social/sporting/activity groups which enable them to know men a lot better (though word of mouth or just general interaction), for a longer period of time, before actual “dating” begins.

      • mistori Says:

        Maybe eventually women who are after marriage and serious relationships will return to the “good ole days” … which enable them to know men a lot better (though word of mouth or just general interaction), for a longer period of time, before actual “dating” begins.

        The problem with this is that even when a woman meets a man that way and NOT on the internet, chances are that the man IS or HAS BEEN an internet dater & has been affected by the fast pace & high volume & availability of prospects. In most cases the impact is negative regarding long term relationships & as Moxie has repeatedly explained, also often unrealistically inflates the persons perceptions of their demand or value in the dating world. In my opinion, this suggestion may help somewhat because a woman may better be able to weed out the different types of men she meets before getting too involved, but the existence of internet dating has had a huge effect on society whether or not two people actually met on the internet.

  7. bbdawg Says:

    well if that’s from online, one way to tell is when guys use really generic lines, like “how was your day” “what are you doing today/tonight” “going anywhere for the holiday”, the kind of questions that have zero chance of building intimacy or getting to know you as a person. It’s “text talk”to keep you at arm’s length.

    Unfortunately women learn from so much interaction with men online who expect sex before actually meeting you, that you just have to say NO all the time and unmatch/block constantly. One way to initiate this is to ask in-depth questions back, that way you will know that he will drop you/the convo instantly the minute is veers away from “how’s your day” or sexual talk.

    There is nothing wrong with casual sex the problem is that it is SO easily available via online that it completely loses the appeal since in order to find the potential for a personal connection you do have to sift through masses of dudes wanting to get laid with minimal effort, just looking out for the nearest seemingly available female who will say yes.

    So OP determine what a personal connection means to you (common interests/values? Music? sports, temperament, where you went to school, drinking habits, etc…and look for common experiences that you can connect through, and use that as a filter. You can’t place the blame on guys only, you must be doing something to attract that as well. The better you know what YOU are looking for, the likelier it is that you will quickly cut off what you don’t want that you will find better matches.

  8. Jules Says:

    Moxie, spot on response. I totally agree. I will add that I have learned from my own dating experience and feedback I heard from my guy friends, guys typically will bucket girls fairly quickly as ones they f*ck and ones they can see themselves dating.

    Once you’re in the zone of just having sex with one another, I think it’s virtually impossible to get out of it. If a guy really liked you, he would try and get to know you out of the bedroom.

    So if the OP wants more (sounds like she does) then she should avoid going on “dates” that begin at an apartment. That requires zero effort on the guy’s part. He doesn’t even need to shower or put on decent clothes! Come on. I am sure the OP is worth more than that.

    • Sandra Says:

      It seems the OP is already doing this and not going to the guy`s apartment. It seems to me she is just now suprised at how many men actually try to pull this to begin with, as opposed to to asking for a date.

  9. jane Says:

    This seems like the most obvious problem/solution ever. If a guy only wants you to ‘come over’, starting at the first meeting and you dont want this type of arrangement…don’t go! If you can obviously tell he’s not making any effort, don’t continue to talk to him or “date” him – like OP says, it doesnt have to cost money, its about showing you they want to spend time with you even with or without sex being on the menu. And if you really have a bad track record of guys just wanting/using you for sex…stop having sex with them! The only way to avoid being used is to either not give them what they want, or give it freely and do it because YOU want to.

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