Question: What to do if guys you meet always want to take you on a first date to his apartment? I know funds are tight but there are restaurants selling $1.00 pizza… what can a girl do to get out of the just want to have sex zone?
First, yes, if a man tries to get you to have your first date at his apartment, he has little to no interest in anything other than sex. It has nothing to do with finances. He just doesn’t want to make any effort. I have to say that guys like this a special brand of douchey, so it surprises me that you aren’t better able to spot them. These are the guys who drag their feet about meeting up, text you all day and night, say things that are sexual in nature, etc. They don’t really try to hide that they just want sex.
As for your other question about what a woman can do to get out of the just want to have sex zone, the answer is simple: you can’t. Why? Because it’s impossible to know a person’s true motivations. If someone just wants to have sex, you’ll never know until after the fact. Our default position is “just sex” until someone gets to know us.
If this is something that happens to you with regularity, then there’s really just one cause. Well, two. First, you are impressed by words and not actions. These guys aren’t even trying to make a good impression. They don’t care if they offend or alienate you. That’s an immediate red flag.
Second, you probably bat out of your league. Like, way out. I think most women have found themselves in the situation where a guy tries to pull the “let’s watch a movie at my place for our first date” thing. But if it “always” happens, there’s a major red flag being missed across the board. You’re encountering men who can’t be bothered to put their best foot forward for you. Like I said, most women have had to deal with that at one time or another. But it shouldn’t happen more than a couple of times before you realize you have to recalibrate your picker.
Your picker sounds like it might be broken. You are somehow missing the signs that these men want nothing to do with you outside of a one or two night stand. I’m not saying that you are sending any kind of vibe (though you could be) but I am suggesting that you’re going for sketchy men. Usually, they’re very charismatic and charming and perform the very basic gestures of emailing compliments and sending flirty texts. They exert the minimum work required. The other consistent clue is that they are men you don’t normally attract. That’s where the “out of your league” part enters the picture. Basically, they’re better looking that you can typically pull. That is the real sign you’re punching out of your weight class.
By a certain point, we all know what sort of person is drawn to us. We also know when someone fantastical is showing interest. That’s when you need to have your guard up. If someone you normally wouldn’t attract starts showing interesting, be cautious. That’s the warning shot.
This scenario is one of the reasons I’m hesitant to advise women to ask men out. The reality is that a lot of women simply do not understand that many men are as interested as their options at the time. Broad generalization alert! If you can accept that, then by all means, ask away. But if you’re a woman who thinks, “Well, he had sex with me so he must be attracted to me!” then don’t do it, because that simply isn’t true.
No matter how well tuned your radar is, you’ll never be able to avoid these guys completely. But a good start is to recognize the patterns involved and learning to avoid them.
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