Should You Mention Sex Or Income In Your Dating Profile?

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): KfromBostonsexprof

Comment: I have been online dating for two years now. It’s been hard to find a guy that fits my profile. I am very active and energetic. I want someone who can keep up with me. I also have a very good career that pays well. I like to travel at least twice a year. I am decisive when I travel. I like a good adventure race partner. Most of the guys that respond are over 40. I want someone in the 30-40 range. Most of the guys in this age range that get back to me don’t have a lot going for them. If they do, I find that they are not interested in anything long term. Recently, I started added some sexual connotations in my online profile. I said I like a guy with a “well hung vocabulary.” I had a couple of nerdy witty guys that responded. I’m thinking of making stronger sexual insinuations on my profile. I think this will bring in some better prospects. What do you think of this approach?
Age: 35
City: Boston
State: MA

There are two issues going on here. First, your requirements are ridiculously rigid and impractical. You’re 35. Most guys under 35 aren’t looking for you. They’re looking for women in their twenties. Now, men in their very late thirties to mid forties? That’s your wheelhouse. You need to increase your preferred age range to at least 45. I understand how frustrating it is to exclusively hear from men who look like they never see sunlight or consider watching sports on TV their cardio, but you can not expect to meet a carbon copy of yourself. If that’s what you seek, forget online dating and stick to outdoor activity and sports groups. The Adventure Racers you want to meet are not on OKCupid or Match, and if they are, they are few and far between. If you do stick with online dating, then you should pepper your profile with keywords pertaining to these specific interests so that these guys can find you when they do keyword searches. Just do not make this slice of your life the main focus.

Moving on..

Having a well paying job in a major metropolitan city like Boston is hardly unique. “Oh, you like to travel? How totally rare for someone on an online dating site” said nobody ever. These are not things that would make men find you intimidating.That’s all in your head. If you make statements like, “I’m looking for someone to keep up with me” then that’s what is turning men off. Whether you’re male or female, a line like that makes a person sound obnoxious.

You want to share that you are active, but you don’t want it to overshadow other aspects of your life and personality. The guys I see who constantly talk about the gym and triathalons and marathons get an automatic NOPE! for me. I’m relatively active, but people constantly training for marathons and killing themselves at Cross Fit classes bore me to tears. They’re too intense and have insanely regimented schedules. I don’t want to date someone who monitors their alcohol intake or has to be asleep by ten whilst preparing for a race. Those people aren’t fun.

The key to a solid online dating profile is to present yourself as well rounded and enjoyable as possible while maintaining balance. You should mention your active lifestyle but only in addition to what you do to recharge. You can’t always be going, going, going. That kind of intensity can be overwhelming.

Here’s a concept that I don’t think many online daters are familiar with: your partner doesn’t have to like everything you like. You can do those things- wait for it – by yourself. While I totally understand and agree with wanting someone who shares a healthy or active lifestyle, I don’t see why they all have to be as active as you in order to be good enough.

Now, for the sexual innuendo…

There’s a finesse to this that again involves balance. A sexy wink here and there is fine. Great, even. I highly recommend it. Just understand that many male and female users of online dating skills have zero social aptitude. That means that they will take such references as a promise when they’re only a lure. Keep in mind that the following advice can be applied to those of you who like to dangle your income like a carrot in your profile.

My opinion of using sex as bait is that it should only be used if it’s authentic and not gratuitous. You have to own completely all the repercussions that come with it. That means you need to accept that some people will meet you just to have sex with you and will bail if you don’t have sex right away or might assume it’s okay to sexualize and  objectify you. For those who mention their income, don’t be surprised if you meet people who expect you to flash that money around to impress them. Because, see, that’s what you did in your profile.

I would avoid using crass phrases like “well hung.” Instead, select words that have sexual connotations but aren’t overt like carnal, sensual, stimulating, satisfying, etc.  You want to create the image of something without being blatant. You don’t want to use language that will bring you up in every keyword search performed by sex starved goons. If you’re using OKCupid, you’ll probably want to employ the Incognito feature, too. That way your profile won’t come up in searches and you can control who views and messages you. This will help you avoid receiving an onslaught of creepy messages.

One more thing to note: most guys – the savvy ones – know what we’re doing when we sprinkle our profile with sexual language. You won’t be pulling one over on anybody. To many men, this move is seen as a trick. And, let’s be honest,  in many cases it is. Take your profile, for example.

If you’re including sexual references in your profile just to get men to reply to you, you’re doing it wrong. That’s a bad move.  Men will be able to tell immediately whether or not that is genuine or whether it’s a trap.

If you feel you have to go to these lengths to get the men you want to reply, then that’s a sign that something is amiss. Either your profile is turning men off or you’re batting out of your league. Sorry to those who don’t buy into that, but it’s true. In the majority of stories we hear and read where a woman or man gets duped or pumped and dumped, most times it’s because their date was only moderately attracted in the first place.  Sowwy.

How do other people feel about this? Do you use sexual references in your profile or check off the casual sex option? If so, what was your experience? Do you recommend it? What do you think of a man or woman whose profile has a NC-17 vibe?

Do you believe in dating leagues?

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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44 Responses to “Should You Mention Sex Or Income In Your Dating Profile?”

  1. Matt Says:

    I’ve mentioned sex in my profile but only in a self-deprecating fashion. It worked about as well as anything else I’ve done on OKCupid, if that means anything.

    • Tinker Says:

      How do you mention sex in a self-deprecating fashion? Do you talk about not having it a lot, not being good at it, or am I off base?
      Generally speaking, self-deprecation has no place on a dating profile.

      • Matt Says:

        So, writing a profile that honestly and genuinely reflects your personality is bad. Got it.

        • Tinker Says:

          I really am curious about how sex can be mentioned in a self deprecating way.

        • KK Says:

          The issue with online profiles is that it is written – therefore many nuances can be missed. So what in-person may be interpreted as self-deprecating, online, it may be interpreted as low self-esteem. The message matters the most. If a guy has a good message and a bad profile, I was still willing to give the guy a shot.

        • Fyodor Says:

          Your profile isn’t supposed to be an unvarnished stream of preferences. What you choose to mention signals your interests and social awareness.

          Talking about sex sends the signal to women that you are particularly interested in early sex and don’t have the social awareness to avoid inappropriate conduct/communication in your profile. That may not be fair to you but it’s the medium and the signal you send.

  2. SS Says:

    I always immediately ruled out any many who used his profile to describe how much he loved to give oral sex. #vomit

    And as for any man who listed his salary – especially anyone that listed it at $100k or above because I was about 100% sure that person was a liar. Depending on what report you read, site users have been shown to inflate their salaries by ~40%. Another study asserted that statistically speaking there were 4 x as many people reporting they earned $100k as there were actually earning it.

    Now besides that fact, lets assume the guy does actually earn that much. He knows he’s going to attract every golddigger from here to Timbuktu? Yeeeah … he’s 50 and he’s hoping to pull the 18 year old hottie, amirite?

    So aside from the fact that I can pay my own way anyhow, “Mr 100k” is either a liar or a sleazebucket. Neither are winners. Next.

  3. Lisa Says:

    I never mentioned sex in my profile. Nor did I respond to men who mentioned it in theirs.

    To me, it’s a given that most ppl enjoy sex and can provide it to their partner. No brainer.

    I was looking for a specific kind of partner and preferred to use the profile narrative space to describe that and describe my own personality/interests/lifestyle.

    Trying to lure ppl in w/ sex always struck me as a bit unsophisticated and yes, desperate.

    We all know sex will happen in due time…and leading w/ it in the profile is no guarantee of quality, frequency, anything.

  4. Bill Says:

    KfromBoston, I’m sorry, but Moxie is correct to the extent that she is saying you are banging your head against a brickwall. Let’s add up what you are looking for:

    An attractive, financially successful, well-traveled, intensely athletic adventure runner who is 30-something. Right there you are probably in the 1-in-a-thousand range for online guys. Throw in well-endowed AND looking for a long-term relationship with a 35-year-old and you are searching for the mythical unicorn.

    Fair or not, and whether its true or not for you, guys see 35 year old women as having a stopwatch ticking from the first date for marriage and children. That extreme urgency for guys doesn’t kick in until the 40th birthday and especially for the 30-somethings of your target group because they are having a great time with the carefree 20-something versions of you, even if they aren’t well-hung. Lol!

    It’s just the way it is, sorry. Something has to give in your list of must haves, with upping your age range to 45 being the most obvious.

    And, no need to mention sex. As long as your profile doesn’t point towards prude or super religious, most adult men will assume you possess a healthy, normal sexual appetite.

    • PwdrPuff Says:

      While I do agree that Op is being a bit too rigid and unrealistic with her list of “must haves”, I don’t believe that it’s impossible to find someone she describes and would be open to date a mid-30s gal. The league thing you all keep bringing up isn’t just about age. And if I completely bought into this way of thinking, I would be single right now.

      Maybe the NY dating scene puts a majority of their women at a disadvantage, but I havent seen that anywhere on the west coast, from Hawaii to Alaska. If anything, I think OP’s seemingly high maintenance & entitlement attitude will be the biggest factor in keeping her single.

      • Bill Says:

        Here is a breakdown on the numbers:

        Attractive (and not short): 1-in-10 (1-in-5 on looks and 50/50 on height)
        Successful (>$100k income): 1-in-20 (5.3% of single men)
        Intensely athletic: 1-in-10 (just an educated guess)
        Noticeable larger than avg: 1-in-10 (70-80% are in the avg range)

        Multiply those together, and you have something like one in twenty thousand. Even if I’m off a little, these guys are not at all common.

        This guy, at 35 and single, is a rare bird at his peak AND KNOWS IT. He turns heads when he walks into a roomful of women. If he’s reached this stage and is unattached it’s BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE UNATTACHED. Just like the 25-29 year old beautiful women he routinely goes home with, he’s not ready to settle down while he’s having so much fun, just like the latter-20s “hotties”. If he does “settle down”, odds are it will be with a 28-29 year old who is staring 30 in the face. HE has TONS of options.

        Typically, as he approaches or passes the four-oh mark, he is thinking about the his decline, more or less equivalent to the angst women face at 30. 35 is easily passable for “early-30s” looking, 40 isn’t and his success in the casual sex dating pool has declined accordingly.

        The OP is betting on a long-shot, as her 2-year track record suggests, on landing one of these guys while he is in his 30’s. Her best chances for success, unless she is willing to relent in other areas, is to be found in the age range of 38-45. In other words, the guys who “waited too long”, just as she has. I would suggest setting her age preferences to 35-45. Just like women laugh-off guys with unrealistic lower age ranges, guys tend to do the same. “Yeah, right, wishful thinking” is not what you want people to think when they view your profile.

        Sorry if it sounds harsh, but them is the facts. When the music stops, someone is without a chair, and that’s where the OP finds herself. The early-marrying types are gone and she’s playing to a tougher crowd now. No amount of profile massaging (which is also needed) is going to bring her success in her current target range, save lying about her age, which would be disastrous in the long-term. These guys have egos and don’t like to be con’ed.

        • bbdawg Says:

          Unless she goes offline instead and is well-connected. There is a lot of research that suggests that successful people from top schools date and marry each other now more than ever. Of course that tends to happen when people are in their 20s right off of law or business school or whatever.

          There is something about this letter that suggests the OP hasn’t been doing online dating for very long or never had to deal with the harsh realities of it. It sounds out of touch. If I were in the OP’s position I’d try people in her existing social circles/sports events, etc…the odds of online dating are not positive for women with a lot of requirements. There just aren’t that many men who meet this criteria out there, they are harder to find online. And try paid sites and even Tinder or Ivy league dating websites.

          It also sounds like the OP doesn’t want a divorced dad either so it’s going to be very difficult for the OP. The best she could do is to be open to divorced men in their 40s.

  5. bbdawg Says:

    The best approach for the OP would be to describe her lifestyle and add that she is looking for a partner to do that with. Pretty simple. In many ways you’re looking for someone who has a similar lifestyle to yours so that should be uncomplicated. With that in mind you can eliminate people who don’t already do what you do. Yeah forget about dudes in their mid-to-low 30s online. Go up.

    I’d also suggest meeting men offline,maybe through events or alumni groups… the ones that are all that successful and athletic in your age group are in high demand. No need to mention sex, that will attract the casual sex audience which is a lot of people online and that will only waste your time if you’re looking for a relationship.

    • PwdrPuff Says:

      I think it’s silly to say forget about all guys in their 30s, because duh, they would never want an over the hill 35 yr old woman. I think it’s more realistic to suggest widening your scope in age. I never focused on younger guys, in fact I had a date with a 48 yr old right before I met my bf, who is in his early 30s.

      • Bill Says:

        Marrying a woman more than 3 years older happens, but is uncommon (<8%) for all marriages. I would venture to guess, far less common than that for an attractive, intensely athletic, financially successful man in his early 30's who has tons of options in a big city like Boston.

        IMO, in the 30-33 range, she is fishing for fish who just plain rarely bite for a 35 yo woman… at least not for LTR or marriage.

        https://theboard.byu.edu/questions/56106/

        • PwdrPuff Says:

          Could be, but it does happen. I think the best suggestion would be not to bank on it or hold out for that supposed unicorn. And for heaven sakes, get rid of your laundry list of requirements and just go out and meet people. I’m not saying to do away with hard deal breakers or standards, just be flexible.

        • Bree Says:

          Also interesting on that chart Bill found:

          * the highest percentage age difference is only 1 year in either direction (32%). Seems a good many people marry someone THEIR OWN AGE. Beyond that, percentages drop significantly for marrying younger (but more so for women, of course).

          * the percentage of men marrying women 10+ years younger is only 2.5% average, women and younger men over that same age span is 1.6%.

          I would conclude from these stats that women are perfectly reasonable in seeking men 2-5 years in either direction of their own age, but will have more luck obviously in that 2-5 years older span.

          I still feel there are not enough compelling reasons for women to concentrate on dating men 10-15 years older unless they’re seeking financial security, are not as attractive as other women their age, and/or are just plain desperate not to be alone in the short term.

        • PwdrPuff Says:

          Where the heck do you get these statistics? By your account, it’s an impossibility for me, a 37 yr old, to meet what you all refer to as a unicorn (a well educated, attractive, athletic, tall, well traveled man early to mid 30s man), who is also open to a LTR with someone like me.

          Well, I hate to break it to you, but this hasn’t been a problem for me or any of my friends, and I’m not anything special. So how do you account for that?

          • Bree Says:

            The stats are from 2008 census and Bill included the link, but misinterpreted the stats a bit.

            Marrying a woman 3+ years older is actually closer to 15% (not less than 8% as Bill said–he only looked at 2-3 years difference and didn’t add the rest). But for men it *is* way more: 53% marry younger women.

            BUT…most of that age difference is only 2-9 years (and the biggest is actually ONE year in either direction. Look at the chart, it’s pretty telling).

            So marrying women 10+ years younger is not very common, as most men would like to believe ;)

            • Bill Says:

              “Bill included the link, but misinterpreted the stats a bit.”

              Bree, just to clarify, my statement above was “MORE than 3 years older” (NOT the same as three or more) which is found by adding the percentages for 4-5 years older and up. By including the 2-3 year age difference statistic, your 15% is marriages where the woman is more than a (one) year older than the man, i.e. two or more years older.

              “Where the heck do you get these statistics? By your account, it’s an impossibility for me, a 37 yr old, to meet what you all refer to as a unicorn (a well educated, attractive, athletic, tall, well traveled man early to mid 30s man), who is also open to a LTR with someone like me.”

              PwdrPuff, the marriage statistics I linked to are on the BYU site and come from the US Census Bureau data. For the other statistics, google them. For example, I said “not short” which I interpreted as average (actually median) or taller, in other words, 1-in-2 based on height. When you say “tall”, than means something else, because “tall” normally means AT LEAST 6 feet tall, which is 14.5% of the US male population, or about 1-in-7. Ditto if you said average looking or better (1-in-2) versus “good looking” (1-in-5 based on OKCupid data).

              So, if you were looking for a man average or better in looks (1/2) and height (1/2), you might consider 1-in-4 guys, or 25 guys out of a pool of 100.

              By contrast, tall (1/7) and good looking (1/5) means you only consider 1-in-35 guys, or about 3 in 100. If you throw in “well educated”, 1-in-3 has a college degree, so that is now 1 guy out of 100. If by well educated, you mean a graduate degree, doctor, lawyer, etc., that is less than 10% of the population, so you are now looking for 1 guy in 300, and rule out the 299 other guys in order to get only the tall, attractive, well-educated guys. Throw in well-traveled and athletic, not to mention some version of “well off” financially and 1-in-1000 is probably conservative.

              That guy, while in his early 30’s, is a male “10”, or pretty darned close. Regardless, he’s the whole package, and has many, many “options”. If, and it’s a big IF, he decides to “settle down”, it’s highly unlikely that he’ll “settle” for less than an equivalent 1-in-1000 woman. He doesn’t have to “settle”.

              Impossible? No. Unlikely? Very.

              • Yvonne Says:

                According to the 2012 census, 14.2% of U.S. husbands are at least 2 years younger than their wives, but most men and women marry someone within 2 years of their own age.

                • Bill Says:

                  Yvonne, that 14.2% represents a decrease from the 14.8% just 4 years earlier, meaning the rate at which men marry older women has decreased since 2008.

                  “…but most men and women marry someone within 2 years of their own age.”

                  I’m not sure where you found that. Btw, I do agree that within 2 years of each other is basically the same age, I just couldn’t find census date that broke it out that way.

                  Male 2 or more years older: 52.5%
                  Within one year of each other: 33.3%
                  Female 2 or more years older: 14.2%

                  https://www.census.gov/prod/2013pubs/p20-570.pdf

                  Table 8: Characteristics of Male-Female Unmarried and Married Couples: CPS 2012

                  • ATWYSingle Says:

                    This whole conversation is tedious. Pay close attention to the fact that not one guy is weighing in on this banality. It’s a bunch of women clucking at some gasbag dude and splitting hairs over data from an ancient Census Report.

                    SPOILER ALERT: You’re never going to agree. Move on already.

                    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                      “You’re never going to agree.”

                      Not sure I agree with this. My data shows probability at about 25% probability on disagreement but hard to be more precise than that.

  6. Kyra Says:

    I use the questions part of OkC to answer any sex questions that I feel are necessary, (ie: I know I could never be with a guy who’s more of a sub than I am) but I don’t mention it on my profile page, and I don’t go overboard with the questions.

    I just don’t think that the guy I’m looking for cares that much about sex or money, though of course both have their place in a relationship.

  7. CoolDude Says:

    Everything I take away from the OP is that she’s just not realistic. I realize it is extremely difficult (and sucks) as a woman that there becomes a certain age when the early 30’s/late 30’s men aren’t as interested. I’ve noticed 33-36 tends to be that range but feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

    Moving along, I’m getting kind of baffled by this “I travel at least twice a year” type language most people have. I’m assuming you need to make, living in a major city, at least $150k or so to do that? I mean, you’re probably not slumming it on trips so with flight + hotels/accommodations and other activities that’s probably $2-3k a trip? A lot of people in their early 30’s still might not be at that point in their career where they can easily do that. However, maybe I’m just poor and living in Manhattan so what do I know.

    • bbdawg Says:

      Well there are still interested men, but they will be older. The options issue. The younger women in their 20s are not going to be into men in their 40s for the most part. And just as men prefer younger women, women will go for the attractive and very successful tall guys. Since women aren’t as willing to “settle” there are plenty of men out there, just not in the most-desirable category.

      And traveling, that’s an income filter in itself. Men who don’t have the same lifestyle won’t contact her that another reason why she is not getting that many responses, because she is being picky/selective/choosing the men most women go for (i.e. very successful, 6’2″, athletic, etc…) and those are the dudes with REAL options. Not the George Constanzas of online dating thinking they can find the unicorn 27-year olds.

  8. Confused Says:

    “If you make statements like, “I’m looking for someone to keep up with me” then that’s what is turning men off. Whether you’re male or female, a line like that makes a person sound obnoxious.”

    I cannot possibly like this comment enough. Whenever I spotted that on a woman’s profile, I’d write her and ask her if she’s chasing the Road Runner this weekend and if she needs help or not.

    • uesider Says:

      When I read things like that in a profile, its kind of a windows as to why her other relationships have failed. And seriously? At least in the Northeast, women like that are a dime a dozen. She’s not unique at all.

      • SS Says:

        Yes a window indeed.

        It makes me think they grossly overschedule themselves and are ridiculously rigid about, it aka anal retentive and/or emotionally unavailable.

        Nothankyouverymuch.

  9. Noquay Says:

    Rather than go on about your activity level, demonstrate it through your photos. One or two that show you’re fit, doing stuff. At 35, you are in that in between age where active guys wanting to do the family thing in general have less active wives that do the childcare. Active men want less active women, active women want equally active men. Not fair but thats how it is. Your age range for the greatest likelihood of results may well be up to 50 and you need to be clear about wanting or not wanting family. At nearly 55, I go up to 70. Just how it is. People do list a higher income. However, it usually shows on the first few dates or as a discrepancy between occupation and stated salary and possibly the quality of the writing (poorly written profile where an office worker in my region claims to make over 100k? Doesn’t happen). Know your area.
    I am an ultramarathoner: My activity level is probably off the charts. From experience, I know that active and inactive lives rarely mesh well. However, my life has purpose beyond running which I demonstrate as well. I don’t like someone regimented, obsessed by one aspect of their lives either. I mention what I do and also that I do not expect a partner to do the same but be healthy, in shape. Finito. If we spend quality time together at days end, wonderful. I want someone OK with my running 90 miles/week; no need to be out there with me. Everyone wades thru couch potatoes, heart attacks waiting to happen, varoius and sundry train wrecks simply because these folks approach everyone and there’s no way to filter them out. Nowadays the niche sites such Fitness Singles, Farmers only, Our Time are populated by all sorts. That’s where careful observation of photos, reading the profiles, limiting expectations is key. There’s always an element of risk when meeting someone.
    OP, on line works best for folk that are very mainstream in most ways; activity level, build, education, income, race. Outliers don’t fare well. The best way to meet folk for us, as someone else had stated, is IRL while doing what we do. Volunteer at races or similar events. Attend training camps, talks, join clubs, group events, expos, bike demos.

  10. Fyodor Says:

    “I like to travel at least twice a year. I am decisive when I travel. I like a good adventure race partner. Most of the guys that respond are over 40. ”

    This is a good example of how the things that women value in men might not be the same and you may have trouble if you insist on certain personal qualities be matched in a partner.

    On the surface there is a certain logic to it. She is “adventurous” and a fast paced traveler and wants someone who is the same. Surely then there is a man out there who wants the same and will match up.

    But it doesn’t work that way. Worldly adventurous travelling men tend to (on average) be appealing to all sorts of women, with whom she’ll be competing. Whereas for most men a woman who insists on “adventure race” foreign vacations (even when she’s contributing financially) may be a pain in the ass.

    Even men who meet her criteria may be fine travelling with friends and may not want adventurousness in a romantic partner.

    Finally, I think there is something to the fact that men who are particularly interested in novelty and adventure are going to be less likely to want an exclusive relationship.

  11. AC Says:

    Sexual innuendo is unnecessary in an OKCupid profile. It’s tantamount to posting half-naked bathroom selfies. Answer the sexual questions honestly and you’ll create all the lure you need.

    As for leagues – yes but not entirely. Leagues can be subjective and not always easily defined – especially online. At the same time, you have to be a fool to believe they don’t exist at all. A suggestion, bump your age range to 30-43 (or 45). This will allow you to screen more effectively. Moxie is right, don’t expect many younger guys to come knocking, but you never know. When I see a woman whose age range is skewed younger, I see her a delusional right off the bat.

    Something else – ask yourself the following – what are your true deal breakers? For example, someone who refuses to date someone who doesn’t own their house/condo/apartment and finds themselves perennially single probably deserves to be. If you refuse to date someone because of their views or religion (they’re very religious, you’re not or vice versa), it’s totally different.

    Finally, “I love to travel” and I’m always on the go” references are as cliched as saying you love to laugh and telling the reader how your friends describe you – lose them immediately. Focus on selling yourself but in a way that calls attention to how well rounded your are.

  12. uesider Says:

    Reading the OP’s post, in her description of herself she includes only things that women look for in men.

    Energetic. Check
    Athletic. Check
    Successful. Check
    Likes to Travel. Check.

    Most men that are interested in a LTR are interested in these traits in women. Most men looking for a LTR are looking for similar values, selflessness, and sweetness. They don’t care about her career and “keeping up” with her. A woman posting sexual innuendos is a deal breaker for men interested in something more than a fling.

    Anybody who knows advertising would tell her that your “ad” should be geared towards things she offers that attract the target man.

    • uesider Says:

      “aren’t interested in these traits”

    • SS Says:

      Excellent points. Both genders seem to fall at the first hurdle – in that they don’t seem to realize that what attracts them is not what attracts the opposite sex.

      I have traveled a lot over the years and sometimes on my own, so I’m not overly fussed if a potential partner is interested in traveling or not. About 98% of men I’ve met have either not/never traveled, have no interest in traveling, or both.

  13. SS Says:

    I just want to find a guy that likes Netflix marathons…..whilst enjoying a full bodied Malbec finely paired with a bowl of Funyuns du jour.

    Is that too much to ask?

  14. Bill Says:

    I took a lot of heat by posting the facts of why a 30-33 fit, attractive, Junior Partner type WOULDN’T be interested in a LTR/marriage with women in the latter half of their 30’s. Well, I’m back with my asbestos suit on to add that HE SHOULDN’T, not if he thinks about it.

    It’s pretty simple biology, marriage, and more specifically, CHILDREN is what drives most men to want to “settle down”. The youth and beauty of 20-something women isn’t just a pretty, shiny “trophy”, it is a visual proxy for fertility and healthy babies that “clicks” with our internal programming. And, the medical facts bear it out in triplicate!

    Medical literature defines “advanced maternal age” as beginning at age 35. This graph for just Down’s Syndrome incidence shows a steep curve upwards starting at age 35. At 35, the risk is 3-4 times that before 30. At 40, it’s 12 times. In percentage terms, that 1,200 percent more likely. And it continues skyrocketing from there to 30-40 times at 45.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advanced_maternal_age#/media/File:Down_risk_by_maternal_age.png

    Risks of complications to the mother, and other birth defect risks also compound with age starting at 35, though not as astonomically, as does decreased fertility.

    So, if the first date is at 35, a really fast progression would be engaged a year later, married a year after that and a baby a year after that. That’s 38. Take more time to get to know each other, or if it takes longer to get pregnant due to fertility issues, at we’re talking 40. For the first child. Want more than one child a couple years apart? Then that curve looks even more and more ominous.

    So, if that 30-33 year old man has plenty of options with women younger than himself, and wants to settle down and have children, he SHOULDN’T be pursuing LTRs with 35-39 year old women. It’s not in his, nor his future childrens’ best interest.

    BTW, this is the advice that I will give my daughters: Enjoy your early and mid-twenties. Don’t be afraid to break hearts and have your heart broken. Learn what you like and don’t, what you need and won’t accept. And, if you want a family, get serious about finding a the right guy in your latter 20’s. If you wait until your 30’s, it is very bleak.

    • SS Says:

      When I was 35 I felt very strongly that men were giving me the side eye, to the effect of “well she’s *saying* she doesn’t want children but I just KNOW that clock is ticking…”

      I could tell that they felt pressurized and that it was a turnoff.

      So from experience, I’m very much inclined to agree with you – most men that want kids will be looking to date a much younger woman to give themselves breathing room.

    • PwdrPuff Says:

      I’m just curious, do you work in the obstetrics field, because I can’t work out the reason for your ardor on the subject or your endless attempt at soapboxing this puppy to death. Btw, do you want boyfriend’s number? Maybe you can convenience him that he’s making a grave mistake by dating me and dumping me by the weekend is his best bet at better life. Hey, it’s worth a shot.

      • Bill Says:

        PwdrPuff, I don’t know you nor your guy, so no thanks to the phone number offer. IMO, individuals should own their choices in life. The fact that my post touched such a vitriolic nerve should be cause for introspection. *shrugs*

        You, and other women past their early thirties have already lived that period of life and made your choices. To say that a human being shouldn’t think about THEIR BEST OPTIONS for THEIR LIFE at 32-33, just because that person is a MAN, is simply MISANDRY. It follows the worst vein of misandry (and misogyny) that pops up here occasionally.

        Hence, I post.

  15. PwdrPuff Says:

    I’ll buy that for those who are interested in children, but hate to burst your little bubble that’s not everyone. In fact, every man I’ve ever dated had zero interest in being a father, which works for my shriveled up and sickly eggs. Thanks

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