Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Brazilian in NYC
Comment: Hi Moxie!
I wrote in a few months ago about making a choice between an officer and recent (undocumented) immigrant. Thanks for your advice! You were spot on about the officer, i stopped talking to him shortly after asking that question and continued with the immigrant, my current bf and fiance I might add. We’ve been dating since March and have been exclusive since April (well since we met, since I never saw the officer again.)
I trust that he is not marrying me solely to obtain status in the US, but I am also not completely dense enough to think that it doesn’t affect his decision to decide to marry me so soon, I know he loves me, but I think he wouldn’t make that choice so soon if he weren’t in this position (judging by his personality and past actions.) I am in love with him. I’ve never been so happy with anybody. I want to marry him. Maybe he is in love and taking a giant leap of faith, hoping he wasn’t wrong to marry so soon. Anyway this is not the question and you can leave it it out if you choose.
Here is my problem. I have anxiety that he can never love me the way he loved his ex. They were together for 11 years, since they were 18. His mother is his ex’s godmother. He wanted to marry her and have children but she always told him she wasn’t ready and kept studying. Then shortly after he moved to the US (he wasn’t planning on staying permanently) she told him she liked the time apart and wanted to end things because, to quote him quoting her, “you are perfect, i just wish i hadn’t met you when i was 18.” I guess she wanted to explore. To be fair he had become depressed and gained a lot of weight. probably pushing her away during the process. It sounds like she ripped his heart out. We met two years after the breakup.
I know all of this because he overshared a lot about her during our first two dates, until i told him that wasn’t normal and I didn’t appreciate it (bragging about how hot his ex was, talking about what a hard time he had getting over her.) He continued to mention his 11 year relationship every now and then, during the first two months (of 4) we have been together. things like “babe you never have to worry about me cheating, I was in an 11 year relationship and I never cheated.” This bothered me and I snapped and said that if he was so pleased with his 11 year relationship he should go have another 11 years with her. I have trouble communicating sometimes. After that he almost never spoke about her only to mention his debt to her. He lost some money in the stock market, some of hers and he is paying it off with interest. He has to send her money every month. He says he really wants to finish paying off so he can cut all ties. he mentioned in april she was trying to work things out
but he didnt want to.
Nowadays he seems so happy, we have an amazing relationship. I feel like I’ve done a lot of hard work (trying to figure myself out and maturing) to get to the point where I can be in a great relationship. I used to be super anxious about his ex, but he made me feel better, he said he has never felt this way before, or fallen in love so quickly. when I’ve mentioned her specifically he says he has no interest in that and he has left it in the past. He’s happy to be with me now and make a future with me.
And i kept my anxious monster under control until recently. He started to make this little cute joke, it’s in portuguese so there’s no translation. He says i love you and then he says something else that rhymes with that. And now he is trying to get me to say that back to him. (two days in a row now) He says “you’re supposed to say this.”
The thing is, from having Facebook stalked early in the relationship. I know its something he and his ex used to say to each other, the would write it on each other fb posts. When he said it the first time i was hurt but i didn’t say anything and i told him I didnt get it. But he insisted later that same day and the next day too. that i say this little rhyming love thing with him that he used to do with his ex. i just keep ignoring it.
Now In feeling anxious and insecure. Am i always going to be second best? Is he trying to relive his old relationship. Or did i just Facebook stalk too much, had i not done that I would be fine. Do men get over 11 year relationships?
We are supposed to be moving in and then getting married shortly after. Should I be wary? If things were to go bad, i would be devastated.
After my Dad died, my step-mother – being the horrible human being that she turned out to be – insisted that my father be buried in his family plot with his parents. My father, however, had purchased a whole other plot where my mother was buried so that he, my step-mother, and my mother could be buried together. But, see, my step-mother didn’t want to be buried with my mother because she was a petty bitch with the emotional maturity of a teenager. So, because my Dad was dead and couldn’t defend himself, my step-mother decided to ignore his wishes because, of course. Why wouldn’t she? She knew my Mom held a very special place in my Dad’s heart. We weren’t even allowed to mention my mother in front of my step-mother.Even in death she couldn’t see past her own insecurity concerning my mother.
My father loved both women equally, but differently. My mother was his first love and the woman who bore his children. My step-mother was the woman who saved him and made him happy after he lost my Mom. (Side note: I feel fucking rage just typing that.)
My point is that it makes sense that your fiancee would still harbor feelings for his ex, which he clearly does. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it just means that he loves you differently. The fact that he owes her money muddies the water a bit because that debt is a very tangible tie to her, and that complicates things.
I think at any given time most people are haunted by ghosts of past relationships. Of course, most people are smart enough to keep their traps shut and not discuss said Exes. There is always going to be someone or some people in our past that still has a piece of us. I don’t know if we ever stop loving someone or being attracted to them. I believe those feelings simmer and cool, but don’t die. So, whether it’s this guy or another one, it’s likely there will always be some kind of specter floating around your relationship. The idea that you are someone’s one and only – in my opinion – isn’t accurate. We’re just the one that person has chosen for now, and we might last longer than the others, or maybe we won’t.
He’s never going to forget her, BINYC. If you marry him, you have to accept that. Now, as for the subject of marrying him…
You know that he’s rushing this because he’s undocumented. That is not a reason to get married. First, you barely know him. Second, at 25, you barely know yourself. This situation is steeped in red flag drama -the ex, the loan, the undocumented status. That’s a lot of heavy shiz to be dealing with on the brink of saying, “I do.”
It’s great that you’ve done hard work to become the person you want to be but…what hard work has he done? How is he any different than when you met?
You don’t want that question mark of whether or not he married you to stay in the country to hang over your marriage. You don’t. You also don’t want to be worrying if he’s truly over his ex. Spoiler alert: he’s not.
There are too many big questions looming overhead for you to make such a huge decision, a decision that will impact your life socially and financially for the foreseeable should this not work out.
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