Beware The Nice Guy

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): dont no what to thinknice_a2d537_2645560
:
Comment: I just met a guy online, he was the one to make the first move…so we have been texting back and forth for a few days…in talking I told him I was planning a trip with my son, and of course I told him where (but not right off the bat)….and he ended up reserving and paying for our hotel room….
so now heres my question….what does that gesture mean?
Age: 44
City: perry
State: ny

 

That gesture means this man has issues with boundaries and you should run in the other direction. If you’re not alarmed by what he did, it means you have a screw loose, too.

First, you should never, ever, EVER reveal your location or vacation plans to strangers you meet online. Especially if you have children.

Second, you absolutely should not accept his offer to pay for your room. By doing so, you are giving him more power in the dynamic than he should have at this juncture. This guy has already demonstrated that he will cross a line without discussing it with you first. Nobody is this selfless to a near stranger. He did this for a reason and it wasn’t to play Good Samaritan. He did it so that he could use the gesture to his advantage somehow.

Honestly, it baffles me how I even have to explain the concept of too easy/too nice to people. If a man or woman you barely know does back flips to get you to like them, it’s a red flag.

Just like I said last week that too easy is a red flag, so is too nice. When I hear a guy on this blog gripe about how women only date assholes and jerks, my first thought is, “Maybe they don’t date you because you’re the type of guy who whines on a dating blog?” The majority of guys who like to ingratiate themselves into women’s lives and women’s spaces are not to be trusted. They say what they think will endear them to women so they can gain access to them.  The minute they don’t get what they want, they’ll turn rabid.

Do not let the hotel charge his card. And do not speak to this man again. He’s trouble.

 

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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33 Responses to “Beware The Nice Guy”

  1. SS Says:

    “Do not let the hotel charge his card. And do not speak to this man again. He’s trouble.”

    I could not agree more.

    Many many years ago I briefly dated a significantly older man. Very early in the relationship he surprised me with a paid vacation for 2 to a Greek Island. I was shocked but delighted (smh) by both the romantic and financial gesture.

    Long story short: I found myself terrified and alone in a foreign country, unable to speak the language, cornered by a violent man.

    I learned there’s a *reason* why people try to buy your affections, and it’s rarely pretty. I learned the lesson the hard way.

    I would urge you to learn the lesson the EASY way, and please heed Moxie’s advice.

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  2. Jack Says:

    Well, the OP did not tell us if she has met this guy in real life. If she has not, yes, this is unusual behavior and she should not accept the offer. Probably should stop talking to him and change plans. However, I can’t believe OP gave him this information without ever meeting him. Sounds like two knuckleheads texting each other. Also, this is not being nice to a woman. This is something else.

    Regarding being nice and giving gifts to women, a man should always consider several factors: 1) how long he has known her; 2) what message is he trying to send; 3) should he tell her in advance; and 4) do it because you want to and do not expect anything in return. I also would leave it up to her to accept it or not. A lot of this is just common sense.

    The last time I gave a gift to a woman it blew up in my face. It was with this woman I had known for about a year and had been out with a few times. The last time we went out I took her to dinner where I intended to give her this spa package as a gift. She was really excited, and we had a decent dinner. Well, because of a long day and drive, I was wiped out and forgot to give her the gift as we left. As soon as I left the parking lot, I got a nasty text from her which stated, “Yea, I noticed you did not give me the spa package. Anyway, I thought you were using it to manipulate me. Thanks for dinner.” I texted her I forgot about it and would just bring it to her home. She said forget about it and just go home. She wouldn’t even take my calls and told me she didn’t want to talk.

    I felt this was an irrational response, and that most women would have heard what I had to say rather than cutting me off. Or they would have gone home without saying anything. Funny thing is that she recently wished me a happy b-day on FB and liked a few of my posts. I guess she is over the spa package.

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      She was there for the spa package. Consider it a bullet dodged!

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    • PwdrPuff Says:

      What does your example, which you’ve brought up on various previous posts, have anything to do with LW question or Moxie’s response? If you need to vent how you’ve repeatedly been “wronged” by the opposite sex, then get a shrink or maybe a friend.

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  3. BTownGirl Says:

    Reminds me sooooo much of a guy I went to college with. He wanted to be best friends with all the girls, buy all their drinks/weed etc. I live by the “no one is that nice” credo and steered clear. Well, guess how it worked out when his besties wouldn’t bang him?! Lemme tell you, this sh*t was scary. Bounce!

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    • Lucy Says:

      It’s okay if a guy does that but doesn’t expect anything in return. I know a guy who does this. He just likes being single and buying girls drinks but it’s not born out of genuine romantic interest in many of them.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        If people are hanging out regularly, there should be reciprocation! However, if sending the occasional cocktail makes your friend happy, I can’t be mad at that haha!

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        • Lucy Says:

          It’s a guy who I know around my small town as he’s a very popular face. He has a lot of money from his job in the oil business and he’s not looking for a girlfriend – just enjoys talking to women and men alike. One time I saw him while I was on a date with someone and he was buying shots for people in the bar.

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  4. Violetgirl Says:

    This sounds like a guy I met a few months ago. He was throwing money around left and right on the first couple dates, then offered to pay my car insurance bill, for my hair appointment, buy me groceries – all within the first month. When I told him it wasn’t working out (we just weren’t compatible, he was very immature) he went BALLISTIC and became nasty and threatening. Run!

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  5. Lucy Says:

    It’s overfamiliarity which sets off alarm bells in my head. I would be very uncomfortable if a guy did this to me as it’s just not the normal boundaries someone should have with a stranger. It’s false. If we’d dated for a while and he decided to treat me, it means something because there’s a genuine reason behind giving it. If you don’t know the person and they do this, it seems manipulative. I don’t wish to be bought and I’d want to date a guy who’s putting his best foot forward in a genuine way. I think trying to buy a woman’s affections says a lot about the character of the man you are dealing with here.

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  6. Mark Says:

    I’ll agree with those who say his actions are just too accommodating. Too overt. Too much, too soon. Most guys wouldn’t do that. It’s as if they are overcompensating of a character issue by this sort of gesture. All too often at the back end he is going to want something. If you balk (fill in the blank as to what it may be), he becomes hostile. Not a situation you really want to be in.

    Sure, I could be wrong and I don’t know specifically this particular guy’s intentions. But is that a chance you really want to take? Put it this way: if you were to ask any number of your girlfriends, I’m sure they would say that this is a situation that reminds them of something similar that happened to them. I doubt that most of them were positive experiences.

    The wolf in sheep clothing analogy comes to mind.

    As Moxie pointed out, Good Guys would want to respect your boundaries. But they would also expect the same in return. They wouldn’t resort to the overt attempt to buy affection as this guy appears to be doing.

    It’s probably best to steer clear of this guy.

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  7. JayD Says:

    It could be that this guy was just trying way too hard. He could be someone who seriously has no game. He could be a newbie re-entering the dating scene. Maybe he is a creep. Maybe he is not.

    It almost seems like a mob mentality going on here to have him eviscerated.

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    • Mark Says:

      How you look at something depends on your frame of reference.

      I’m not disputing what the guy could be. Anyone could be anything. He might be the greatest guy in the world. He might be the worst. He might also be something in the middle.

      That’s not the underlying point.

      Rather, the offer to reserve and pay for a hotel room is generally considered beyond what most women would consider a normal and reasonable offer based on the facts as she described in the letter. I’m also going on the assumption that he is around her age range. Give or take.

      That raises legitimate questions. Serious ones at that. You are quite correct that he could be new to dating and might be feeling his way around the scene. But someone around his age should have some notion of what is generally considered acceptable in dating. That just doesn’t seem to be the case here. His offer just seems way too disproportionate given his status with this woman. At least based on this story.

      That’s not evisceration. That’s a reasonable concern.

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      • JayD Says:

        It is indeed a reasonable concern, definitely. But does his act really warrant the kind of vengeance that is being piled on here?

        The OP should not have let him pay for her hotel stay. But is that any more dangerous than going to a man’s apartment and have sex with him on the first date? I suppose both cases could be in the worst case scenario. Paranoid and jaded people unite.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          Most people don’t bring their kids with them on first dates or on any ensuing apartment visits.

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          • JayD Says:

            FFS, She is taking her son on vacation. She is not bringing her son on first date with this man and have sex with him.

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            • BTownGirl Says:

              Yet, the son is staying with her, and since this guy has paid for the room, he has access to its location. If you want to encourage someone clearly lacking in common sense to play fast and loose with her child’s safety, well, that’s for you to live with.

              To The Letter Writer: Here you have a prime example of what kind of man can be out there. This is your child we are talking about. You are neither jaded nor paranoid if you feel that this is a glaring red flag. Nothing, nothing, nothing is more important than your safety. Please listen to the people who are telling you this is a bad idea.

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        • Lucy Says:

          I don’t think anyone is trying to imply that the guy was being vicious. But it certainly causes some discomfort is someone acts overly familiar when you don’t know them very well, even if well-intentioned.

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  8. Jenny Says:

    Oh, puh-leeze! “Of course I told him where”?? Maybe the general area, but the EXACT place, down to the hotel?? There’s no ‘of course’ about that! “But not right off the bat” because you’re soooooo careful and savvy, right? Takes a few times of texting back and forth before you’ll give up that kind of personal info. At least a week or two before you reveal your home address and bank account number! What planet do you think you’re on? And he “ended up” reserving and paying for your hotel room???? How do people ‘end up’ doing that? Did he suggest a hotel when you (of course) told him where you were going? And, did you say that hotel was too pricey for you so he magnanimously ‘ended up’ making the reservations and paying? Total strangers don’t just ‘end up’ doing that. It sounds very like, ‘We were just sitting on the couch, talking, and his penis ended up in my vagina.’
    I am more concerned about your actions than the man’s, at this point. By your very way of phrasing things, you appear to be taking a very passive role in the whole thing. Like, it just happened to you. This kind of situation is very dangerous, and your radar is seriously off if you have to ask what this ‘gesture’ means! At 44, you have no right to be so clueless, especially when you’re involving your son!
    And, all of that is giving you the benefit of the doubt. At best, you are too trusting and naive; at worst, you are the manipulative one, getting this ‘nice guy’ to pay for your vacation.

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    • SS Says:

      “at worst, you are the manipulative one, getting this ‘nice guy’ to pay for your vacation.”

      I feel dumb right about now… this side of the coin hadn’t even occurred to me, but the more I think of it, the more I think you could be right Perhaps both of these people could be as bad as each other.

      Now I even wonder if the LW was expecting Moxie to have a gushing response to the question “what does that gesture mean?”

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  9. bbdawg Says:

    This is a “sugar daddy” gesture. That means the man is making a move and expects something in return, an “arrangement” rather than a relationship. Now I wonder how the OP might have instigated that situation. These sort of things tend to be pretty overt so I don’t know how the OP would accept something like this from a stranger.

    Unless you have met in person and have had a discussion about what both parties expect this sounds like a scam (i.e how do you KNOW he’s *paid* for the hotel room? Has he sent you a receipt or just mentioned that to you on a message?) or something REALLY sketchy. When money is involved in a relationship that generally means you are in a non-organic relationship where you will be playing a role (i.e. trophy wife/mistress), etc…

    I have been offered this from someone I had not met, but I did not accept it and it does not come out of the blue. It comes with the discussion “I am going to be at Miami on ____ , I want to meet you there, I’ll pay for your ticket and a separate hotel room for you, just so we can get to know each other”. Which means of course that if you go and don’t sleep with the man you will end up paying for the hotel room yourself.

    In the end I found out the “nice” guy who made the offer was married (on a fox news tv show he wore a wedding ring and spoke of his wife), 50 pounds heavier 10 years older than he claimed based on newspaper photos and articles I found of him (and compared to the photos he sent me) after googling some info he shared about his life.

    Something is missing here and what’s missing is the part where the OP is in agreement with this in some way. “If something is too good to be true, it probably is”.

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  10. BTownGirl Says:

    So, this letter just kept nagging at me and I decided to send it to a family remember of mine, who’s a state trooper. I had no idea, but this can be a Code Red Danger situation. He said that, since she’s never met this guy and has no way of knowing if he is who he says he is, he could very well have used a stolen credit card number to book the room. So, he’ll know exactly what room she’s in, what she really looks like and that she has a child with her. Since she doesn’t know, again, if his pictures are real, he could be lurking around without her knowing. Not to be alarmist and sh*t, but apparently this can be a really dangerous situation and he felt really strongly that you should switch hotels if at all possible and not post any vacation plans on social media/dating websites.

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  11. Kyra Says:

    So you’re going on vacation with your son, now this guy – who you barely know – knows exactly where you’re staying and can show-up at your room with no notice.

    Does that thought not terrify you? Decline his help, don’t speak to him any more, and book a different hotel!!

    This sounds like the beginning of a Criminal Minds episode, for god’s sake.

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  12. Shadowcat Says:

    Did the OP go on the vacation yet? She was a little vague about that, how does someone you’ve NEVER met (just a few texts?) “end up” reserving and paying for your hotel room? When you (think) you are getting something for free, it’s easy to want to just take the gift and worry about the consequences later… It’s a lot easier at 24 than 44 however. There is no free lunch!

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  13. fuzzilla Says:

    This is such a bizarre situation I can’t believe anyone needs to ask someone else if it seems legit. Of course it’s not legit! :/ Offering to pay would be weird enough, but actually doing it? Wouldn’t he need her last name and son’s name to reserve the room? Creepy.

    Maybe it’s like others said and she threw out the idea of him paying as a joke and he went for it – or in any event, there’s something she did, which is not included in the letter, to help steer the outcome in this direction.

    In a committed relationship the other person might spend money on you because he loves you, and you help each other out. If you have to ask yourself what it “means” when a guy spends a bunch of money on you, I think you know the answer is “nothing good. Possibly something very, very bad.”

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  14. Donnie K Says:

    Another red flag – the OP says she “met this guy online” and then turns around and says they’ve been texting for a few days. First off, they haven’t officially met. They’re 21st century pen pals. More important, texting with a complete stranger is usually a tactic used by two types. The overly cautious and those who don’t want to meet in person. Ironically it’s the former that often attracts weirdos like this dude.

    Obviously, run like hell. Also, get out and start meeting guys in person.

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