Why Roommates Are Bad For Your Love Life

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Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): LivingSingleroomate
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Comment:  I’m writing because I’m trying to decide what to do in my next apartment move and how that will affect my dating life.  My lease is up and the owner is selling the building so I have to move. I’ve been living alone for 6 years and I’m not close to my friends or the best neighborhood.
I’ve picked up bad habits, such as being really irritated when women or friends sleep over and they make noise. I realize it’s normal on their part but I’m just so used to quiet and me being the only one to make noise. I’ve also gotten too particular about how I want my kitchen set up which I know is silly. I’m sure I have other single person quirks that I probably don’t even realize.

I’m thinking about moving in with roommates to live in a neighborhood that I really like (that is much more sociable), be closer to friends and get used to living with other people again. I can afford to rent my own place and I’ve been steadily employed for over a decade and make decent (in NYC) money. However, I’m worried about what that will do for my dating life.  I don’t go out to bars or to pick up women every week but I’m not a hermit either. I’m worried that women will think I’m a loser for being 35 and living with roommates and they’ll write me off as soon as I say I live with a roommate.

I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I can see myself settling down, I’d like to live with a woman and I’m thinking this would be a good step towards being okay with living with someone else. I’ve done the part where a woman stays over a few weeks but I’ve just never moved in or asked her to move in.

Will women understand that I can afford it but I’m rooming with other people for other reasons? Will they just think I’m a loser or cheap and if I do this, am I basically resigning myself to be single until I get my own place again?  I’m not super fancy and I am not in the fancy restaurant/club crowd so I’m not concerned with the types of women that want a guy like Mr. Big (I live in Manhattan, hence the reference).  I’m concerned with the “regular” women.   If I’m honest and just say that I’ve been living by myself for a while, noticed I’ve gotten too set in my ways and am trying to change that, will they think I’m a weirdo?  I just imagine them viewing me on the same level as a unemployed guy living in his mothers basement even though none of that is accurate with me.  Thanks for your advice.
Age: 35
City: NYC
State: NY

 

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I’m worried that women will think I’m a loser for being 35 and living with roommates and they’ll write me off as soon as I say I live with a roommate.

Many if not most of them will. At 35 years of age, a man or woman is expected to be able to live on their own. No matter how you sell it to women, you’ll be perceived as either an overgrown frat boy or financially unstable. You may not even get to the point where you can expand on your reasoning for having roommates. A lot of women will hear roommate and immediately back away.

My general rule of thumb is to make your life as uncomplicated as possible. Don’t add. Subtract. That means no pets that require you shuffle your schedule around them, living in an area that is accessible and doesn’t involve a long commute, and a living arrangement that doesn’t involve being dependent on other people’s flexibility  for privacy. What is all boils down to is convenience, and living with roommates is inconvenient.

I live on the Upper East Side. That means that guys in Brooklyn or The Lower East Side – pretty much anybody below 42nd street – won’t even look at me. Why? Because getting to my place is a pain in the ass. If I didn’t have a sweet deal and live in a rent stabilized apartment, I’d move to Union Square in a heartbeat. I don’t have the fanciest apartment, and my kitchen that I never use is from the 90’s, but I pay very cheap rent  and can still contribute to savings, pay taxes, pay all my bills and have some fun money to blow when I want. It ain’t glamorous, but it’s all mine. I get to run my own business, be my own boss, make my own hours and, most importantly, write. That freedom, security, and independence is something I’d never give up.

My biggest issue with men with roommates, besides questioning their financial stability, is that I hate being the one on whom the onus is to host. And no matter what anybody with roommates says, the person who lives alone is often put upon far more than the person who doesn’t live alone. I don’t like shuffling around another person’s home only to bump in to some random person in the kitchen. I don’t like feeling as though I’m hogging someone else’s bathroom time. I hate scrambling for clothes when I wake up in the morning because I don’t want to be caught naked in their living room.

It’s inconvenient. But not only that, it creates an imbalance that inevitably contributes to resentment.

As for the financial aspect, it’s really more about lifestyle compatibility than anything else. Most people live with roommates out of need, not preference.  I’m not dating someone who scrapes by on 50K a year. As I said, I’m able to go out to dinner or book a hotel stay for a couple nights without robbing Peter to pay Paul. I want to date someone else who can do that.  Yes, living with roommates means you’ll save money, but what you gain financially, you’ll lose socially.

If you can afford to live on your own, then live on your own. I can understand your desire to sharpen your social skills a bit, but you don’t have to upend your lifestyle to do that. Yes, it’s hard to make room for someone when you’re used to being alone, but you can make it work. I’m extremely rigid with that sort of thing, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes, even in a smaller apartment. It all hinges on your willingness to let someone into your world.

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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59 Responses to “Why Roommates Are Bad For Your Love Life”

  1. Greg Figueroa Says:

    Honestly, living on your own is more desirable. Especially since the OP is super particular. Having roommates will be frustrating. If you want to be more social, do more social things. Unless if you live deep in the boroughs or Long Island, traveling to your desired destination shouldn’t too bad (unlimited metrocard and Uber are great traveling companions).

    And roommates are wild card.

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  2. Fyodor Says:

    I’d be interested in hearing from other women how big of a stigma there is. I live in an east coast city, which is not as expensive as New York and I knew financially stable people who lived with roommates, either to save money or for social interaction, and seemed to have navigated their romantic lives fine. I mean, presumably women will know what your job is and that you have some sort of stable income.

    I will say that having roommates isn’t necessarily going to make it easier to adjust to living with your not-yet-even-met future spouse, so I wouldn’t upend your life for that.

    I would think hard about your ability to manage the upsides and downsides. Do you think that you’ll have a better social life through your roommate situation? Will you meet more women? Will being in a better neighborhood make it easier for you to go out and socialize? Do you have potential roommates that you trust to be tolerable to live with? Do you think that you can “adjust” from your current habits or that you’ll just end up being miserable living with others.

    I’d ALSO think about dating logistics. Women might be uncomfortable coming over if you don’t live alone, forcing you to go to their place all the time.

    If women ask I wouldn’t start introspecting about living alone. I’d just say that you don’t mind roommates and even though you can afford your own place you’d prefer to not to lose all of your money to rent.

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    • wishing u well Says:

      ….and be prepared for the major impact to your dating life and the ability to keep women interested beyond 3 minutes. Unless there is a mitigating circumstance (such as divorce), most women will not care about the reasoning. At 35 moving towards 40 : individual stability is a dating requirement. Moxie is right on the money. I live on the East Coast by 3 urban areas, one of them being NYC. If I as a single woman can stand on her own 2 feet in my own place, so should you. I have yet to see a man of a certain age who lived with roommates that did not come with other dating headaches. Keep it simple.

      Let’s not forget that the OP also admits to being set in his ways. My guess is that he mentions it due to the impact his quirks have had on his existing dating life. And now he wants roommates?!? 35 is too old for a litany of explanations and complications! The man you are should be what is predominately shining through.

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  3. Hailey Says:

    I’m sorry but I wouldn’t bat an eyelash if a guy told me he had a room mate. I’m 41 and “I” have a room mate. Why? I lived alone for many years and eventually I got tired of it. I also knew that if I ever got married I should be more accustomed to living with another person. It was the best decision I ever made. We both have our own lives, we sometimes hang out, we’re never on top of each other, and no, our loves lives have never collided because of this (and yes, I could afford my own place if I wanted.) I like coming home and finding a warm body in the house to talk to. I think it’s crazy that you would cast so much doubt on someone’s financial stability because they live with another person. So what? To be more appealing to the opposite sex we should have to endure living alone? Ridiculous. Dude, pick the place you want to live and if you want to bring more people into your life by living with someone than have at it. Personally, I think the longer you live alone you become far too specific on your needs that eventually, you won’t know how to deal with living with another person. I know plenty of women who would think nothing of a man over 35 living with other people. Should we then tell women who are over 35 and never married that there’s something wrong with them? That’s the argument on the other side of this coin.

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    • SS Says:

      I know the standard belief is that people always get more intolerant and set in their ways the older they become… but weirdly I have found myself to be the opposite.

      I had lived alone for so long when I got together with my ex, I was so keen to be easy to live with as well as accommodating of his idiosyncrasies, the “living together” part of our relationship was idyllic. Don’t ask me about the rest of it though lol.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I’m sorry but I wouldn’t bat an eyelash if a guy told me he had a room mate. I’m 41 and “I” have a room mate.

      Well, duh, of course you wouldn’t care if a man near your age had a roommate. That would make you a hypocrite.

      The decision to live alone or with roommates is a lifestyle choice. People tend to gravitate towards those who share some if not many of their lifestyle choices. Since the decision to live alone over a certain age is more common, it makes more sense for him to live alone. Not doing so is going to cut his dating options in half.

      The goal is avoid doing things that will make dating more difficult.

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      • Hailey Says:

        You’re forgetting the aspect that he could have a room mate, that room mate will have friends, some of those friends will be women, he is now meeting women that will be far better dating opportunities than hanging at a bar. He wouldn’t have met those women if he was living alone. Remaining in a apartment alone, far away from friends in a neighborhood you don’t really like, doesn’t exactly seem like a great choice for someone’s general happiness. I’d rather have a guy ask me about me having a room mate than continue living alone because it’s going to make me look more appealing. Sorry, but my happiness is far more important. I lived alone for many years and dated guys with room mates. I’ve also dated men who knew I had one and they didn’t. It was never an issue. I’ve never had my dating options “cut in half” over it.

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        • Nicki Says:

          For some reason it seems more socially acceptable for a female to have a roommate than a man to. When one of my female friends has a roommate I really don’t think twice and assume it’s for companionship and safety. If a guy has a roommate I do wonder more if it’s financial. But hey, there’s nothing wrong with it in the end. It’s more important to me that even if it’s financial the persons doing what it takes rather than racking up debt.

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      • Biffski Says:

        Personally I enjoyed the “Three Men and a Baby” lifestyle, living in a 2500 sq ft loft with all the amenities. We never had any issues with women that lived alone or with room mates. It was quite enjoyable year round.

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  4. SS Says:

    If you get so amazingly irritated by someone you care about (love?) then surely you’d be even *more* irritated by a friend or stranger, so that logic makes no sense to me.

    A male friend shared the other day that he’s lonely living alone, but that he doesn’t want to live with a woman. I told him that ultimately the time will come that a) the desire for companionship will outweigh the desire for freedom and b) he’ll meet someone that will help tip that balance… and in the meantime he shouldn’t fuss about it.

    Secondly – I would absolutely hate to date a guy with a roommate. It’s just a whole dynamic that would make dating that person difficult. Yes they could come to my place every time, but switching it up makes it more fun and more equitable. Unfortunately I would also wonder if they weren’t wanting to live some sort of frat life or they weren’t quite being honest about their financial situation.

    So my 2 cents – find a smaller place in a better location. Invite friends over more often so that you get used to people in your space. The rest will work itself out in good time.

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  5. Kennedy Says:

    I moved to NYC to be a writer. I work part time, have a beautifully furnished bedroom and live in a really nice apartment with 2 roommates. We don’t hang out but we’re pleasant and clean. Boyfriends can sleep over. I of course date men with roommates and without. It doesn’t take long to figure out if a man is financially unstable. Some men I’ve met are saving up to buy a house and don’t want to throw down $3500 a month to live alone when they work 10 hour days and are gone a lot on the weekends. So i date a lot am a very pretty woman and I would not rule out a man because he has roommates. I would rule out distance, though. I think the original poster should take the place with a roommate. If it’s good for your mental and financial health women will respond to that. Just my opinion.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I’m not really sure the “I’m saving to buy a place” argument really holds up. It’s not difficult to find a place in Manhattan or Brooklyn or Queens for $1500 a month. $3500 for a one bedroom? What? One bedrooms in decent neighborhoods in Manhattan can be found for $1800-$2400 a month. Or…they could live in a studio for even less. I don’t really buy the “I’m saving to buy a place” excuse. It sounds good to say, but I think it’s a cover for something else.

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      • maria Says:

        thats kinda what I always thought about people with roommates. if they are paying market value in a desirable neighborhood for a decent 2 bedroom apartment, that could fetch more than 5k a month–a quick search just showed me 2 bdr for 9k in tribeca, 10 to 12k in the west village etc so you are essentially paying more than what you’d pay to live in a nice studio or small 1 bedroom in manhattan by yourself. yes you can find a little one bedroom or studio for about 2500 a month in a decent area not too far from the train, so besides saving a little on electricity and cable, I don’t quite understand the roommate in a desirable area thing. again if I HAD to date someone in manhattan, I’d rather date somebody who lives in a modest little apartment than somebody who shares a 10k a month apartment in the west village with a roommate.

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  6. bbdawg Says:

    In all honesty this will make the OP unappealing to women who are interested in relationships who are looking to settle down, not necessarily everyone else. What kinds of circles does the OP navigate in, meaning, does he normally date artists, or others who will be living with roommates as well? The problem is that the more “together” women will be turned off by this instantly. If the OP goes out to bars a lot or whatever then that matters more than a quiet life.

    The OP would have to focus on dating women who also have roommates because the ones that don’t (like me) would not be into that. Although if you meet someone you like a lot and want a relationship, you can always move in together after a year or so. But yes this will create friction and will decrease the quality of experiences for you.

    Although in all honesty, I am not sure what is worse, living in a very bad neighborhood by yourself, or living in an ok area in Manhattan with roomates. If the choice is alone in Bed-Stuy or really far away neighborhoods (say, Bay Ridge), live in Manhattan with roommates. Distance is a bigger turnoff than roommates in my opinion. If the OP lived in decent/close-ish area of Brooklyn, which is apparently more expensive than some areas of Manhattan now, then I’d try to stay there.

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    • SS Says:

      “The OP would have to focus on dating women who also have roommates because the ones that don’t (like me) would not be into that”

      I think this would be a very smart move if he’s committed to the idea

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  7. Lisa Says:

    Save money w/ a roommate now so when you meet The One you’ll be able to afford the larger space w/ two bedrooms, two bathrooms, mancave, womancave, XL kitchen, whatever will make life easier for the two of you.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      2 bedrooms? With 2 offices? In New York? with some savings from roommates…Not very likely to go from having roommates to that right away…that’s only true in some 90s sitcom…a 4 bedroom apt in New York??? Hard to even imagine what that would cost…10-15 k a month at least for rent…sales are like 3-4 million, easy.

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      • Lisa Says:

        Not literally. Just meant saving money is good and can come in handy later (could be for the nicer ring, the bigger apt, whatever).

        But also, let’s face it, ppl do have quirks. Trying to undo the quirks might not always be realistic. Sometimes it’s more realistic to accept the quirks and work around them. Some ppl may just need their own bed, even after marriage. Not typical but it happens.

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  8. AnnieNonymous Says:

    I don’t think there are any hard-and-fast rules for this one. I think age skews this a bit, as it’s somewhat rare to find a 35-year-old who lives alone; most of them are living with their spouses/partners. So while it’s not the same dynamic as a roommate, speaking about this stuff as a standard overlooks a lot of things. 35-year-olds don’t have roommates, but they don’t live alone either. Besides, a lot of people have no interest in establishing lifestyles that assume perpetual singledom. It’s perfectly reasonable for someone to decide on a living situation that’s more of an interim before a live-in relationship (provided that OP wants that).

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  9. CoolDude Says:

    I think NYC is really an exception to the rule. At age 33, I still have a roommate though will likely be moving in with my girlfriend in the next year. The reason I still live with a roommate is that I love my neighborhood (Greenwich Village) and love the flexibility and convenience it gives me. Sure, it’s possible to live on my own but I really don’t feel like moving to, say, 90th and York just to be able to claim I live by myself. If that makes me undateable to a certain group of women, so be it.

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    • SS Says:

      “I think NYC is really an exception to the rule.”

      Reading the posts and comments here, it really must. When I lived in London, people either moved out to suburbia or moved out of London entirely and caught the fast train into town … or moved to a crap area and pretended it was “urban/trendy” lol…. ANYTHING but get a roommate.

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      • maria Says:

        that’s what most new yorkers that I know do. Moxie is a special case as she is rent stabilized but many people aren’t and move on to the outer boroughs.

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    • maria Says:

      but you have a girlfriend, and it sounds like you have been with her for a while so you were dating with roommates in your 20s/maybe early 30s which is completely normal and average. try getting into the dating pool in your mid to late 30s with a roommate and it’ll be more difficult. as a new yorker, i’d rather date a person who lives a little farther away alone then date a dude pushing 40 with roommates.

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      • CoolDude Says:

        I hear ya Maria, I think it all comes down to priorities. I’ve been in the same apartment for 8 years and really value the location. I’ve noticed single men tend to use their apartments more as lockers. They sleep there and keep stuff there but don’t pay much mind to design and style (read: actually making it a “home”). Women tend to put more thought into this. I still dread the thought of leaving my neighborhood as my girlfriend wants us to have this thing known as “space” and actually “decorate” (go figure huh?)

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        • maria Says:

          yeah its always hard leaving a neighborhood you love behind but sometimes the sacrifice for space and comfort and privacy and a place to make a home is worth it, within reason. I also noticed older single men do spent a lot more time in their homes than their 23 year old counterparts, as there’s a lot less bar hopping and going out that happens when you get to be almost 40–maybe not for everyone but from what I have noticed. I just can’t shake the odd image of 2 40+ year old men living together.

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          • ATWYSingle Says:

            I just can’t shake the odd image of 2 40+ year old men living together.

            I imagine it looks something like this.

            bb

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          • SS Says:

            You make an excellent point about age – that crossed my mind but I didn’t articulate.

            Totally fine and understandable for someone in their 20s to share – but yes. A man in his late 30s or early 40s (or above) sharing… sorry but I just could not wrap my head around that.

            Wouldn’t financial stability alone (if not just outright personal preference) mean that someone would MUCH prefer to live alone even if they had an other/others/friends stay over 4 or 5 nights a week?

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    • Rosie Says:

      90th and York is a bad/undesirable/cheap neighborhood?

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      • maria Says:

        no its not bad, that is close to where I live, the only problem up there is that it isn’t a “hip” area, not many younger people, not much night life and its quite far from the only subway line that serves that neighborhood. one would have to walk almost 1 mile to the subway or take a bus. its still expensive but tiny studio apartments can be found from around 1650-2000. I have never seen a 1 bedroom for under 1900 or so. considering prices in williamsburg, Brooklyn or other parts of Manhattan, its affordable. I like the area, its quiet, there is a beautiful park, plenty of restaurants and stores and its still on the island so taking cabs to and from the area isn’t a problem but the fact that its so far from a subway can be problematic for a lot of people

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  10. maria Says:

    so if you are set in your ways, and a woman you are dating staying over in your place drives you nuts, what the hell do you expect living with roommates is going to be like? You cannot control people, roommates will be in your face all the time. you’ll hear your roommate having sex. your roommates guests will be in your face. their music. their tv, their stuff, their food. you have to share a bathroom, which may or may not be clean when you want to use it. you have to share a kitchen and in most cases a living space. if you get a shitty roommate they may not pay their share of the bills or clean and make you deal with it. it makes ZERO sense for you to have roommate in this point in your life for the reasons you stated. even if we take dating out of the equation, why would you do that to yourself?

    I have lived alone for over 7 years and have not lived with a significant other, but when I am dating someone seriously I always make room for them, and find that I enjoy having them around, making noise, sleeping over etc and get sad when they aren’t there. OP your problem isn’t just that you are set in your ways, its that you haven’t met anybody you WANT to live with or be around. living with a roommate isn’t going to be like living with a spouse or SO. with a spouse you are sharing your life as well as your space. with roommates you are just sharing space.

    I am a very not picky person and am currently dating somebody who lives in LI–i live on the UES probably not far from Moxie, but am moving out because I live in an overpriced closet.as unpicky as I am, I would not date a 35 year old man with roommates unless there was a good reason, and a plan for him to be on his own soon. but even then, I probably wouldn’t want to get serious. plus, sorry, I am not coming over to your place to hang out and hook up while your roommate is in the other room. not happening.

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  11. Angelina Says:

    It sounds like this person will be miserable living with a roommate. And if he’s in a bad mood all the time because he’s unhappy at home, that will put a bigger damper on his dating life than living a bit out of the way.

    There are ways to get around a long-ish train ride. Like instead of just inviting her over and giving her your address, make sure the first time you go back to your place is together after a night out so she knows how to navigate getting there next time when she’s on her own. Or meeting her at the train stop with a glass of wine in your hand. Or walking her out the next morning and flagging a cab for her and seeing her on her way.

    In terms of the quirks, we all have them. I don’t think they will subside just because you move in with a stranger. In fact, I’ve found they usually get worse. Small things will build on each other and eventually turn into resentment. Things like “when did you learn it was ok to keep the butter out on the countertop instead of in the fridge?!?” will probably drive you batty.

    Whatever future girlfriend you end up living with will bring her own quirks to the experience as well. I’ve found that working through those things together was part of the fun of moving the relationship in that direction. It’s a testing zone for good communication and friendly/loving compromise. And if the relationship is solid, usually those experiences will bring you closer. It’s totally not the same thing as living with a roommate. So putting yourself through that as a way of “getting used to it” seems like a fool’s errand to me. When you do it with someone you’re in love with, your quirks will be overshadowed by your desire to make a happy home with her.

    On the other hand, changing apts in NYC is like changing hats. You can try it out for a few months (not on a lease) and if you don’t like it, just move. Not the end of the world. My friend moved 9 times 4 months recently because he was trying out different neighborhoods until he decided to sign a lease.

    Good luck!

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  12. PGH_Gal Says:

    I just can’t get over the fact that making $50K is “scraping by” in NYC. I know it’s expensive, but having not lived there in 13+ years I forget just how disproportionately expensive it is compared to many other areas in the country. Whew!

    As a 35 year old woman, I’d totally look at a guy my age with a roommate with a LOT of side eye. I’d consider it, but I know that most women wouldn’t.

    I firmly believe that where you live makes a huge difference, for good or ill, with regard to your social life. If you can live on your own in a better neighborhood, do it. Invite more friends and family into your space to get used to that and open your horizons on that end. Good luck.

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    • Joey Giraud Says:

      Geez, I have a buddy in the music biz who gets by on $25k a year in NYC. I think he had to move to Brooklyn though :)

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      • PGH_Gal Says:

        One of my best friends lives in Brooklyn and her 1 br apartment was $1700 and is going up to $2000 so she has to move. There are really no inexpensive areas unless you luck out with rent control.

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        • maria Says:

          the option in brooklyn is going to an area like sheepshead bay or bay ridge and commuting 1.5 hours to the city. that’s the only alternative. somebody making 25k a year is probably renting a room in somebody’s apartment, month to month. I went out with a guy like that. musician who was literally renting a tiny bedroom from a couple. these people move around a lot and have no stability. he was a nomad because he couldn’t stay in one place for very long.

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  13. Kyra Says:

    Having roommates definitely makes it harder to set-up romantic nights in. If his lover is anything like me, the idea of roommates coming home when we’re in the middle of sex would be mortifying – even if the bedroom door is closed.

    I mean, sure you can tell your roommates you’re having someone over, but it’s their house too and I end up feeling like I’ve kicked someone out of their home for my convenience.

    I know that living alone can get lonely and mess with your head a little, but truly, the convenience of not having to coordinate your schedule to match your love-life is too good to pass up.

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  14. Kennedy Says:

    I come from Madison Wisconsin where doctors and lawyers live in big group houses called “coops” – short for communal living. I’m an accountant. When i was the controller of a nonprofit I was audited by a former housemate CPA. When I moved to NYC to be a writer and change careers I had no idea people were so fundamentally opposed to sharing space. I love sharing my space with others. It feels right to me. I think it’s the culture I come from, Scandinavian hippies and intellectuals. But there are so many upsides to living with people that I can’t understand why more people don’t do it. To me it’s more fun to share.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      Yeah I am guessing people in your hippie commune situation lived in an BIG HOUSES, not apartments. I lived on the second floor apartment in a 3-story housein Brooklyn that I shared with 2 other women about 8 years ago and my bedroom was just like a closet. It was a cute apartment but no, it’s not comfortable. At some point someone’s family wants to visit, and their cousin and another best friend then you hear one roommate having sex when you are trying to read your book… this shit is cute if you’re in your 20s otherwise it’s just…TMI.

      I don’t think ANYBODY would want to have roommates if they had the choice to live alone cheaply in a nice area in New York.

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      • Kennedy Says:

        Actually the oldest roommate in my house was 62. There are a lot of adults in their 40s, including me, who like living this way. I never heard people having sex and i had a home cooked meal waiting for me 5 nights a week. Id live in a coop again in an instant. My room wasn’t huge in the last house- but it was surrounded by windows and the first coop i lived in i subletted for a semester from a professor of electrical engineering and his phd in economics wife.

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    • Shadowcat Says:

      These “co-ops” are happening in NY now, too.

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  15. Diana Says:

    Sheesh. I come from an Eastern European country where the housing situation is terrible and lots of people in the 30-40 range still live with their parents. If you can manage to move out of your folks home… you’re already golden.

    I wouldn’t have a problem with a 35-year old having roomates, provided they are nice people.

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  16. Chris Says:

    Here’s another aspect, unrelated to dating:

    If you have lived on your own for many many years and developed plenty of quirks, moving in with roommates can help you “re-adjust” some of these traits, as it seems to be an intention of the OP as well.

    It helps becoming more tolerant and respectful towards others, not bad character traits to have, if you want to make a relationship last.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      I’m baffled by this explanation that the OP, and now you, have offered. If you know you have shitty habits that will be offensive to those around you or, god forbid, those living with you, you can simply STOP DOING THAT on your own without needing a roommate to fix you. Seems like a really roundabout way of getting yourself to pick up your socks and wash the dishes.

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      • Chris Says:

        When I talk about “quirks”, I don’t mean one’s own misbehavior, I mean being (unjustifiably) irritated by tiny things others do, like noise in the other room.

        After leaving for long periods time alone, sharing living space with others generally makes you better person. Unless of course you’re a true genuine asshole.

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          No I get it. You’re trying to wean yourself off your blissfully quiet and enjoyable life so that you can prepare your body and soul for when the right noisy asshole comes along and wants to live with you. Kind of like fasting before taking communion. Only a genuine asshole would doubt that story! (The Jesus part, I meant, not the roommate – roommate story? totally believable.)

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          • SS Says:

            Noooo..you missed the part where it makes you a better person to live with a noisy asshole! Duh. lolololololol.

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  17. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I think the bottom line is if you are coming up with all these convoluted reasons as to why you need or prefer roommates, then most people will just assume it’s “economics” regardless of what you say. Better off just admitting it.

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  18. Dave Says:

    40 year old guy here…I got my first apartment when I was 24. I remember telling some classmates in college about it and they remarked “but won’t you miss your friends” etc etc…one guy even said that he stayed with roommates until he got married since he “liked hanging out with the guys”. Whatever, buddy. I’ve had other people tell me that they grew up in large families hence always liked having people around. I’m the opposite – grew up in a large family and rarely had my own room so once I could afford my own pad I never looked back.

    While I didn’t plan to ever have roommates again…when my business failed during the recession I had to make some lifestyle changes. Dealing with roommates after living on my own for 10 years sucked to put it lightly and I did not date much during the two years I had to rent a room. Even now I get a little queasy when I think of all the kooks I met during my roommie years – drug addicts, crazy cat lady (her cats ate out of the pan while she cooked and off her plates – she was special)…or the stupid ass idiot who stayed up past midnight “just to paint the walls in the living room” with his fiancee while I was trying to get a little with the GF upstairs (needless to say, I didn’t get any that night). Her exact words “sorry, I’m not comfortable with them bumping around down there”…and then hearing their comments the next day “did you two hook up last night? It sure sounded like it”…oh yea…I really miss those days…

    Part of the reason I took a new job in another state was to leave the area I lived in which had a very high cost of living so many people, even in their 30s and older had to get roommates. I was barely able to afford my crappy apartment and was about to head back to Roommate Hell so I took a risk and left. Today I’m not rich by any means but I have a nice place with two rooms and central heat and air…the perfect bachelor pad. Fuck roommates. :)

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **I’m the opposite – grew up in a large family and rarely had my own room so once I could afford my own pad I never looked back.**

      Yeah, I’m the same way. If you’re not fucking me, I don’t want you on my lease (barring extreme economic hardship – which is obviously no one’s preference).

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  19. D. Says:

    Re: the notion that getting a roommate is good “practice” for living with a significant other.

    While there are some common aspects of both arrangements, the significant difference between living with roommates and living with someone you love is that, you know, you don’t usually love your roommates in any romantic fashion. You get along, maybe you’re even good friends, but you’re probably not in love with them.

    When you’re living with someone you love, that should give you the incentive to cut back on your bad habits. It also gives you an incentive to compromise on the way things have to be. You do these things because you care about the person you’re living with more than you do a roommate, so the notion that living with a roommate is good practice…eh, I don’t really buy it. I mean, yes, if you can be accommodating towards your roommates just out of sheer goodwill, then it’s good practice. But if you can do that already, you probably don’t need the practice in the first place.

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  20. Shadowcat Says:

    NYC is a fortune, I know a lot of adults with roommates. Moxie said you could find a i bedroom for 1500 in a good area in Manhattan…. Where? When I and Mr. Shadowcat had some issues, I started looking around, and I could barely find a decent studio in Harlem for less than 1600…. And yes, people who live outside of NYC have no idea how much it costs to live here, The television shows lie! They show a very unrealistic version of how things are. “Friends” comes immediately to mind, one of those lofts would be easily 10 grand a month. Starving actors and coffee baristas don’t get to live in places like that IRL.

    If we broke up, I would move out of state, and that’s a fact. If you live a Manhattan lifestyle, and you date, unless you make at least 100K, living on your own in NY is going to be a struggle.

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    • maria Says:

      yup, it is a constant struggle. and no, moxies numbers are off, you can find a tiny studio for 1600 and up but not a one bedroom. definitely not in Manhattan, maybe in inwood or the bronx, but that isn’t “desirable” but you also can’t find a 2 bedroom for less than 4 or 5k so unless you cram yourself in with 4 roommates to a two bedroom, having a roommate is a struggle too. its a constant struggle here. moxie lives in a little bit of a bubble because she is rent stabilized but if you aren’t rent stabilized its a constant hustle and struggle.

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      • Shadowcat Says:

        Thanks Maria, and let it also be understood that those people with roommates are often paying between 1800-2200 a month to live with a ROOMATE! Such is the life of a New Yorker, particularly, if you didn’t get a rent-stabilized apartment decades ago. I barely know anyone who lives on their own in Manhattan, usually, they live with a partner, or they are older and have been in the place for15-20 years, or they inherited their apartment from a family member. Anyone else (unless you are kind of successful, and that’s a different story) that lives there alone pays at least 60% of their income on rent, if not more. That is before utilities. I live in a rent controlled apartment, and I won’t leave until someone pries my cold dead hands from the doorjamb, feet first, in a box! No marriage license could have forced me & Mr. Shadowcat to work out our differences more than the aspect of losing this apartment, especially when I found out what the alternatives are.

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  21. The D-man Says:

    I got a roommate a few months ago because I have pets, travel a lot (sometimes for weeks at at time) and was tired of paying for a pet sitter. It’s probably not good for my dating life but honestly I’ve been so focused on work that I don’t date much. I’m considering moving to one of the coasts at the end of the year, so I’ll re-evaluate then.

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    • The D-man Says:

      Forgot to add that, on the plus side, my roommate is really cool even though he’s over 20 years younger than me. He’s also a big stoner who shares.

      I live in Colorado and must say that a joint on the back patio after work is much better than a glass or two of wine. I sleep like a baby and never have a hangover. Seriously, yall stuck in non-MJ friendly states are missing out.

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  22. DD Says:

    *Raises hand*

    36 year old woman in LA living with roommates here. I do it because I don’t like living alone, and it’s nice to have someone around when I travel for work or to throw a can of pet food down if I’m running late.

    I never even thought it was undesirable, nor would I think it was undesirable in a dude I was dating until I read this post. There are so many other red flags to be worried about when dating, this is totally no big deal for me.

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  23. Auslander Says:

    As a resident of one of the 49 states that is NOT New York, I am highly amused at what people will put up with (middle-aged man with roommates, people whose monthly rent is equal to 3-4 months of mortgage payments on my house, living in the Bklyn community where my ex-wife’s father was murdered in front of his store) so they can live at “the top of the food chain.” Bwahahaha!

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