Single? Stop Creating Problems Where There Are None

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): GirlonthethirddateWoman-with-Magnifying-Glass-iStock_000016957644XSmall
Comment: Did I wrong if I googled him?? Did you google your partner from dating site?

So I met this guy on a dating site. We go for a nice 1st date, and he still texting me.
I ask him once if he had instagram and he said he didn’t have any. but when I, out of curiosity googled his ID, I found he has an active account of instagram with the last post 1 day ago. his instagram is just a bunch of great landscape pictures, and nothing fishy about that.
Actually I’m a bit confuse, why did he lie about this? is this a big deal?
But I didn’t confront it with him, I’m just put down my expectation. He’s a good guy, he keep texting me and asking me for a second date. So we go for a movie, we’re having a great time. he didn’t drive me home, I took a cab. And he still texting me even I’m still on the cab, he also the one who text me in the morning and before sleep. I think we have a good chemistry. I just a bit disappointed with him lying…

Before watch the movie, there’s an ads, and he mention that the woman is a famous instagram beauty blogger or something, and That’s my chance again, I hope he didn’t lie again. I said “how do you know that? you didn’t even have an instagram?”, and he answered me “OH, I mean facebook.”. it’s twice…
Am I too much?
Age: 28 years old
City: San Marco
State: Texas


This is a perfect example of why I am not an advocate of Googling your dates.

You asked him if he had an Instagram account. He said no. You decided to check his story anyway and you “found” an account that may or may not be his Instagram page. Now, because you apparently like to look for problems where there are none, you have something in your head that you can get past.

Serves you right.

Now you’re going to play detective every time he opens his mouth until you just can’t hold it in anymore and you burst. Watch.

Yes, you’re too much.

Even if he is lying and that is his page, you have spoon fed him the perfect excuse for why he fibbed. You didn’t trust him and disrespected his boundaries.

Not everybody is eager to let strangers into their online world. People have the right to decline friend requests and lie about having a social media presence. Although lying is stupid for the reasons we see here. If it’s out there, and someone is determined enough, they’ll find your pages and accounts.

And the really crazy thing? As we saw with that Catfishing article, there could be obvious and glaring warning signs and people will still ignore them, so why bother fishing for information? That person had nary a footprint online, never spoke to those women, and the women still clung on to him for dear life. Why? Because he had the credentials that many women love to brag about AND he was perfectly content to invest all kinds of attention without expecting sex. He was many women’s wet dream.  Want to talk red flags? A dude who spends that much time communicating with a woman and buying her things but showing little to no interest in actually having sex should set women’s alarm bells a ringin’.

I’ll also say this: people I barely know who are all up in my social media and sending friend requests and following me on Twitter are automatically given the raised eyebrow. Google if you must, but don’t let me know you’re doing it. That is the cardinal sin of Google Creeping your dates. If you take it upon yourself to go dumpster diving, keep it to yourself.




Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)


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31 Responses to “Single? Stop Creating Problems Where There Are None”

  1. Fyodor Says:

    Most people don’t want to connect on social media with first dates. Too awkward in the likely event it doesn’t go anywhere.

  2. maria Says:

    ugh yes you are too much and sorry but you are blowing things with this guy for NO REASON. he didn’t LIE, he just doesn’t want you looking him up, following him and being all up in his business. why is it so hard for people to grasp that a person you went on ONE date with is a stranger? they don’t owe you anything at all besides being on time, and polite on your date. why would you even ask if he had an instagram? to stalk him. he’s not stupid that’s why he didn’t tell you but you’re creeping on him anyway. you had to do some serious stalking because most peoples instagrams are not connected to their names. Honestly, most of the time I didn’t know my dates last name until way more than one date so I don’t understand how you can google stalk somebody you’ve only been out with once. get a grip

  3. Selena Says:

    Why did you ask a guy you just met if he had an instagram account? Because if he did, you wanted to see what was on it correct?

    Intellectually, people know what they put out on the internet is accessible to anyone with an internet connection. Even so, it can be unnerving to have someone one doesn’t know, or just met searching their on -line life. It can feel nosey, intrusive, premature.

    Rather stupid of him to have lied about it, but how would you feel knowing someone you just met wanted to snoop on you on the internet? Maybe like they didn’t trust you? Not a great way to start out a potential relationship.

    I don’t think him lying about having an instagram account is any worse than you investigating him. Whether that makes you a good or bad match remains to be seen.

  4. Kyra Says:

    Is it so impossible for someone to not have instagram that when he said he didn’t have one, you just had to google him?

    Maybe I’m too naive, but if someone I’m dating says he doesn’t have or use a social media account, I shrug it off and trust what they’re telling me. As long as we’re communicating in other ways, what does it matter if I can’t see his posts on fb/twitter/instagram/etc.?

    • fuzzilla Says:

      **As long as we’re communicating in other ways, what does it matter if I can’t see his posts on fb/twitter/instagram/etc.?**

      Yeah, is she really hot for followers on Instagram or something? Why would she even ask? I assumed that she found some dirt on him when she found his Instagram (like, his own wedding pictures or recent pictures with a girlfriend). Since she didn’t, who cares? It’s smart to keep stuff like that on a “need to know” basis as you get to know people.

      • Kyra Says:

        Exactly, if it doesn’t work out with someone I’d rather not have to go through all my sites and remove them from my friend’s list. It’s just an extra unnecessary step in an already uncomfortable position.

  5. Lisa Says:

    I wouldn’t bring this up early on (maybe not at all) but I think I would prefer he tell me “let’s wait to follow each other” than tell me a lie, however benign.

    • maria Says:

      sorry but I do not consider this a LIE. this was a fib at most, if that. she doesn’t even know for certain this was his instagram especially since there were only landscape pictures. she has no proof. I have googled myself a million times and my instagram simply doesn’t show up and I have a very rare full name. if somebody has a common name, it makes it all the harder to find it. I think she’s branding this guy a liar for something he didn’t even lie about. even if he has an instagram its none of her damn business after one date. he didn’t lie, he had no reason to tell a complete stranger who may or may not be a stalker that he has all these social media accounts. its like going on a first date pre social media and demanding a persons personal information. that isn’t lying that is being careful

      • Lisa Says:

        I’m going under the assumption that this is his Instagram account. If it’s not, then the whole thing is a moot point and just hypothetical conversation.

        There’s no such thing as a fib.

        Why is it is more socially acceptable to tell lies (or fibs or whatever ppl call them) than to just politely explain their true feelings about social media friendships/privacy/breathing room/stranger danger/whatever?

        It’s just not good policy to get into the habit of telling “untruths” whenever mildly awkward situations arise. That doesn’t help anything long term. Ppl need to learn how to be diplomatic and just resolve issues as they come up. In every aspect of life.

  6. Tadpole Says:

    This is so ridiculous. I’ve never understood the need to google everyone. That’s only looking for trouble. If you’re looking for it, then you’re going to find it, real or imagined. Something as small as saying he didn’t have an Instagram suddenly becomes a huge deal because you creeped, so then you creep more to help prove that he’s a liar, and eventually he’s going to catch you and then suddenly you’re living up to the reason why he didn’t tell you those things. If it’s something big, then it’ll come to light eventually. Just wait on it.

  7. Donnie K Says:

    There are so many grammatical errors in this letter that initially suspected it might be fake. If it’s real (I’ll assume it is) then the OP needs to realize that googling a first or second date makes one look paranoid, not to mention it’s intrusive. How can anyone expect to build a meaningful relationship with someone their if first move is to do a background check on the person?

    • Kyra Says:

      I doubt it’s fake, I just assumed that the letter writer’s first language isn’t English.

      • Donnie K Says:

        That’s pretty much what I said. More to the point, the subject matter is juvenile. I mean really, who cares about somebody’s Instagram profile? This is a definite first.

    • TL Says:

      Not everyone’s first language is English.

    • BostonRobin Says:

      She’s probably smarter than you in Spanish :P

    • maria Says:

      sounds like OP first language is Spanish. shocking, somebody’s first language isn’t English! they must be fake! get a grip.

      • Donnie K Says:

        You’re right (sarcasm). As we now, fake letters never happen. Obviously you didn’t read by second comment (roll eyes). What a shock. You might also need to get a grip… “Maria”

  8. SS Says:

    I value my privacy so highly that my Facebook page is not even in my real name. My usual rule for dating is that no man is going to be friended until/unless we’re going to do the joint relationship status thing. I’ve made 2 exceptions (after a month or so, not one date!!!) when I suspected the relationship may turn into a potential friendship instead.

    I think it’s utterly unreasonable to expect to connect to a potential romantic interest you *barely* know.

    Furthermore, social media is a snapshot. It’s not going to give quality information, because people are able to present themselves the way that they want, not necessarily the way that they are. Facebook would give little info, but Instagram? Seriously? One may as well go through their vict..uh… dates garbage pail for all that tells them too.

  9. PwdrPuff Says:

    This must be a generational thing because I don’t get why people feel the need to continually update their status and advertise their relationship dating changes on FB, with exception of maybe stating if you are married and to whom, in order to connect with their spouse’s friends and family.

    It would also not occur to me to check if a date is on Instagram, because I don’t use it nor do I have an account myself. Frankly I think she put her date in a awkward position, setting him up to lie. What was he suppose to say, yes but I don’t feel comfortable with sharing that part of my life so early on? That would make him sound like he might have something to hide and is a bit of a jerk.

    I think the guy dodged a major bullet. She needs to learn to be less insecure, respect other peoples boundaries, and not set a relationship up for disaster, before it even has a chance to bloom.

  10. Jenny Says:

    Moxie said it right in the beginning of her response: the Instagram page may or may not even be his. I don’t have Instagram, so I don’t know how it’s set up, but I know no matter how unusual a name someone has, a decent web search will turn up at least a few people with the same name. Then, you have to figure out which one (if any) is the one you’re looking for. So, no telling if the page she found actually belongs to the guy she’s dating. We don’t know how good she is at it.

    My first career was in Military Intelligence; my second was law enforcement. It’s my nature to investigate, but NOT to stalk or pry. If there are no red flags in a person’s behavior or words, if all else is kopacetic, I’m not going to hunt them down on the Internet, because why? In the OP’s case, I have to wonder why she went hunting him after he said he didn’t have an account, especially when the account she found was just landscape pics. No reason for him to lie about that! He may have; or it may not be his account. She knows no more than she did before, and (as Moxie points out) now she’s got all this garbage in her head, tainting what might otherwise have been a lovely chance at a good relationship. Why go looking for trouble?

    As for privacy, I accept that I have none except what I keep off line, and even then, I can’t be sure. I assume I’m under surveillance every time I walk into a store or down a street that has stores or ride a bus. I assume every word I put on the internet, every google search, every site I visit, is out there for whoever is curious enough to look. Personally, I couldn’t care less, but I know other people do, and I try to respect that.

  11. Steve Says:

    For all the folks wondering why Instagram is such a big issue, apparently some guys join specifically to creep on the profiles of “models” who post revealing photos of themselves to their profiles. If the dude is following nothing but barely-legal girls in their underwear, that’s a sign.

    • PwdrPuff Says:

      Sign of what exactly? All types creep the Internet for barely scad girls, not to mention, oh my gosh- porn.

      • Steve Says:

        …a sign of whatever it is that the type who would go snooping on someone’s Instagram is looking to “prove”.

        You and I both know that guys (and gals) like to look at attractive women, but we’re also not the ones digging through a dude’s social media looking for proof that he’s a bad guy. It’s pretty easy for an insecure person to spin those kinds of viewing habits into “He’s a pervert/pedophile who’s going to cheat on me!”. I’ve seen it dozens of times on dating forums… the mindset is usually “I should be the only woman he looks at”, or “he’s a creepy old man because he’s looking at pictures of girls half his age!”.

        • PwdrPuff Says:

          You made it sound like, if someone who looked at barely clad women on the internet, or even models, then they might have a predication towards more deviant behavior. I re-read what you wrote, and it still sounds like you think he’s a perv if he looks at nude women.

          • Steve Says:

            I can see that. I was originally going to type “it’s a sign to them that the guy isn’t to be trusted, true or not” but for some reason thought it was implied clearly enough. Mea culpa.

  12. Bree Says:

    A lot of younger people use Instagram as a meeting/dating tool. He lied about it because he doesn’t want her to see that he’s either already in a relationship or that he’s following “models” and chatting up other women. If he keeps texting her and wanting to see her, but hiding his social media, it’s a sign he *could be* playing around. She’s right to be suspicious.

    Personally, I support Googling and “creeping” people you could potentially start a relationship with. I recently saved myself some grief by finding out ahead of time that a guy I was setting up a date with from OkCupid already had a girlfriend calling him her “boo” on Instagram with pics of them cooking together and taking her kids on outings. I didn’t tell him I found any of that, just came up with an excuse to cancel our date and let the conversation fade.

    One guy I matched with on Tinder turned out to be married and his wife had pics of their newborn baby all over her Facebook page. We had been chatting about meeting. I unmatched him immediately.

    And these were guys who were EASY to find on the Internet. Sorry but most men on dating sites are only looking for casual sex and about half of them are already married or in relationships. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want to know if it was possible to find out.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I had a woman attend one of our speeddating events not too long ago. She matched with one guy. After chatting with him for five minutes she took his name then plopped it into Google and found his wedding registry from 9 months before. She then contacted me and a few other Meetup organizers to”warn” us about this guy, throwing in that her friend in law enforcement (aka an imaginary guy she made up to give her paranoia credibility) did some checking on the guy and confirmed he was married. So I called the guy to get his side of the story. Turns out the guy wasn’t married. He was separated. Could he have been lying? Sure. But his story sounded convincing, and his Facebook page showed no signs of a wife, and I found it a little odd that in this day and age a man who was cheating on his wife would be that careless with his digital footprint. In the end, I banned both of them from my events. Him, because there was a chance he could be married. Her, because she proceeded to email and text message me for a few days after that and left me verbose voicemails wherein she referenced her “law enforcement friend” again. To me, they both came off a bit sketchy. Rather than go to him directly and ask him about what she found, she embarked on a smear campaign. That’s just a unsettling as a guy possibly maybe cheating on his wife.

      The moral of my story is that sometimes – usually – the people who aggressively google people they barely know are as much a liability as the people they’re investigating. They want to find something bad.

      The fact is, you have no idea what is the truth when you look someone up online. If you’re someone who is going to do all kinds of recon work and not give someone and opportunity to explain, you’re not exactly the honorable good person you think you are.

      I’m not sure how I’ve managed to never encounter men online who are hiding wives and girlfriends. This literally NEVER happens to me. Never. If they’re separated, they tell me. If they’re looking to cheat, well, they’re pretty up front about that, too. Most people in this day and age know it’s nearly impossible to get away with hiding a secret life. The people who are that brazen about stepping out on their partner when a cursory Google search would blow their story apart have to be displaying other signs of poor character. Which begs the question: why do people buy what they’re selling in the first place? When people brag about all the creeps and losers they meet online, aspersions are not only cast on the cheater, but the person who habitually encounters them.

      Most people are decent human beings. If you frequently find yourself engaged with people with a broken moral compass, your picker badly needs a re-tuning.

      • BTownGirl Says:

        Mind you, how would someone in law enforcement know if someone’s married? A stakeout? Hitting up the clerk’s office looking for divorce paperwork? No, this is not a thing that happens.

    • PwdrPuff Says:

      Who cares if someone is using dating service, FB, or Instagram to check out people they are interested in for sex or relationship. Frankly, I don’t think it is anyone’s business what I am doing on the internet before we are a “thing”. What do you expect people to do, close down all their options just because you’ve had maybe one or three good dates with someone?

      If someone expected me to do this or presented me with an ultimatum like the last LW, I would quickly close down communication with that person and chalk it up to a dodged bullet. I’ve had insecure men try to lock me down before the 1st date was over, and I’ve learned to entrust my intuition if something doesn’t feel right.

      I also fall under the camp of having never been duped by a married or attached man, nor have I ever been cheated on (of course as far as I know). My thinking is this, if this happens to you often, your stiffer is either off, you’re not listening to it close enough, or maybe you should stop shopping where you sniff.

    • Donnie K Says:

      Personally, I support Googling and “creeping” people you could potentially start a relationship with.


      Makes you come across as paranoid. The reality is you likely missed some glaring red flags. People who are marrried/in relationships that troll online for some side action aren’t difficult to spot if you’re half paying attention.

      How so? They act shady and tepid about meeting up, their availability to meet is often an issue. In short, you have to be ignoring obvious warning signs in order to not spot them. It’s happened to all of us at some point.Nevertheless

      Anyone who insists on googling a first date is a paranoid freak.

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