Beware The Recycler

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Living Sideways
Comment: I met “Jan” as a classmate in university in the 90’s. She always made lots of sexual innuendo in her conversations with me and my male friends and often talked about the kind of sex she was interested in trying. That always turned me on. She was dating some guy at the time, but she was not happy about the relationship. They broke up a few years later. By then, I had moved out of town, but I came back into town often to visit to catch up with friends and former classmates. During a couple of my visits back, “Jan” and I went on a couple of dates. On our first date, she said to me that she was “fuckable” three times. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to get things on with me or not, but I got the feeling she was interested in a relationship. We never took things further. She came across as ambiguous when we parted, and I am sure this was also due to her many insecurities. Also, my career was taking off while she looked like she was stuck in a dead-end job and lifestyle. She didn’t share my ambitiousness in life and my outlook for the future. Fast forward fifteen years to 2012: I came back into town for a few days and “Jan” and I went out for lunch. I found out that she was indeed still rotating through the same dead-end jobs and her lifestyle had not grown beyond the small town where she lived. We are both still single. Now I am back in town again for a few days and reminiscing a lot. Having had a lot of non-starter relationships in the past, I am thinking that I should have dated “Jan” back then. If I knew what I know now, I would have given it a go. It’s too late now to follow up. We live and work thousands of miles apart and have different lives. But I feel like sending her an email to tell her my thoughts and that I was always attracted o her sexuality, her love of travel and her athleticism. Would an email like this put her off? What should I say or not say that would make it better received?
Age: 49
City: Niagara Falls
State: Ontario

I suppose much of this depends on your end goal. What are you hoping to achieve by telling this woman that you found her sexuality appealing twenty years ago?

For the record, telling a woman you’re attracted to her sexuality is not the same as telling her you’re attracted to her. Nothing makes a guy sound more pathetic than when he says something like, “I was always so turned on by the way you talked about sex.” Know what that’s pathetic? Because savvy and experienced people know that the men and women who talk about how much they LOVE sex or how much money they have do so because they feel like they have to. Talk like that is a sign of insecurity. You could certainly write her and say that you regret not pursuing anything with her, but leave out the stuff about her sexuality.

I can’t say that I’d be all that flattered by a man who said he was attracted to my athleticism or love of travel. I mean, thanks…I guess? What do those two things have to do with her personality and character? Those are the aspects of a person that you should be drawn to, not the fact that she likes to work out or add stamps to her passport.

Honestly? This whole thing is freaking weird, man. It feels like you’re getting up there in age and struggle to meet women and so you’re recycling long ago flirtations because you don’t have other options. Making this feel especially off is how you describe her as being stuck in a dead end job and not doing much with her life. It’s as if you think she might be juuuust desperate enough to get with you.

My advice to you is to figure out why you have so many “non-starter” relationships,  focus your energies on women in your local area, and forget about this woman from the good ‘ol days.



Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
, , ,

14 Responses to “Beware The Recycler”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    **Making this feel especially off is how you describe her as being stuck in a dead end job and not doing much with her life. It’s as if you think she might be juuuust desperate enough to get with you.**

    Yup. A lot of men here comment that they don’t care what a woman does for a living, which – fine, whatever, if that’s their honest opinion, I won’t argue. But “not caring” isn’t the same as “actively looks down on.”

    I can see why he has a lot of non-starter relationships if he’s 49 and thinks, “I am attracted to your sexuality (i.e., think you’re easy/am interested in what you can do for me)” will impress a woman.

  2. B to the G Says:

    Dude, be a man and ask her out on a real date next time you’re in her town. Then hit it. Stop lamenting failed decisions from 15 years.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      I think the issue is that he just wants to get laid and is pretending there are deeper feelings, because…loneliness? To feel like a better person? So far he’s just shared his private thoughts in this letter to Moxie and hasn’t really lied to “Jan,” but he’s not making a very compelling case for Jan being “the one that got away.” It’s more like, “I’m lonely and bored in a hotel room and she’s The One Who Might Sleep With Me.”

      Hey, if they both decide they wanna hook up, then God speed, but it’s kinda gross and manipulative to pretend it’s more when it’s not.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      Also he has been on “real dates” with her and never made a move.

      • D. Says:

        Yeah, I don’t think the dude was ever really interested in her. I’m guessing he’s bored and horny, maybe a bit lonely and/or wistful, and is going through his past and thinking “What if?” I’d guess he’s likely unsatisfied with where life is currently, too, else he wouldn’t be looking back on women about whom he decided “Nah.”

        Two things:

        1. Don’t bullshit yourself into thinking you’re into someone when you’re really just bored, lonely, and/or horny. And definitely don’t bullshit them. If you just wanna hook up, go for it, but don’t spin it as something more.

        2. Honestly, I’d just move on. There’s usually a reason why you pass on someone, and going back to the well doesn’t usually fix that, unless it’s some circumstantial thing. In this case, it doesn’t sound like anything’s changed. So, there’s no reason to pursue it.

  3. Lisa Says:

    I agree; this is a very odd situation. So much time has passed, there is so much geographic distance btwn them, and the LW’s life has apparently gone in a totally different direction from that of the woman about whom he writes. So then why is he still hung up on her? It seemed like she was being rather forward and obvious w/ him about wanting sex, so many years ago, but he never pulled the trigger. Why not? And he takes every opportunity to put her down by mentioning her many insecurities, her dead end life and her lack of ambition.

    Who was initiating the various dates they went on over the years?

    This story just seems like part of a bigger issue; some introspection might be in order (on the part of the LW).

    I say, send the email or don’t send the email. What does he have to lose either way? It doesn’t seem very likely anything lasting will come of it due to his low opinion of her, the distance and the lack of commonalities. But maybe it will provide some closure or a chance for both to sort out some feelings. Overall, I am not in favor of trying to start up LDRs. Not sure it is worth the effort.

    I disagree w/ Moxie only in terms of interest in travelling and athleticism not being extensions of one’s personality/character or a reason to be interested. I think they def can be! Being flirtatious and sexual can be also…but a man needs to tread carefully when discussing those traits, lest he be misunderstood.

  4. coffeestop Says:

    I don’t see the piont of some email talking about what could have been. Clearly, the OP if they were geographically compatible would want to have sex with her. I would just ignore an email like this, the OP needs to look at himself and figure out what contribution he is making to struggling in romantic relationships, own it, try and mitigate it and date available women in his area. I don’t know why adult humans insist on turning relationships into reimagined rom com scenarios with lots of unicorn myth making the way this guy does. I kind of get the idea the reason the OP wants to do this is to show her how much he has moved up in the world and to hopefully provoke some “regret” in her that she did not sleep with him in her youth. The OP appears to be looking down on her and assuming in reality he is too good for her anyway but wants her to know it.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      **figure out what contribution he is making to struggling in romantic relationships, own it, try and mitigate it and date available women in his area.**

      That’s probably a big part of Jan’s draw is that he wonders why relationships are so difficult and thinks, “Ah, but everything felt so easy with this…woman I assume is a slutty loser whom I have no respect for…” I think he wants to use her for an ego boost. This is the kind of stuff that gets men labeled assholes, not simply wanting sex.

  5. bbdawg Says:

    There is nothing more unattractive than an older man who writes he is/was “sexually attracted” to you. That is like saying “hi I am looking for an opportunity to get my dick wet but I can’t afford escorts, and you were the closest va..g, I mean person, around…is there a chance you could help me out”?

    Buy the time a man is 49 (the magical age for all 50+ men online LOL) he should know that women don’t respond to that at all. What a lot of people look for is compatibility and common interests, so even if you are looking for sex only you just have to at least attempt to see this woman as an actual person and connect with that.

    • Lucy Says:

      I agree that the phrasing is bad – saying “I’m attracted to your athleticism, sexuality” etc. It just sounds ‘commodifying’ (a word I just made up). I mean like he’s buying a car and you tick all the spec :P.

      So yeah to reiterate what I said below, I think he needs to slow down his thinking a bit and just approach her like a normal person and maybe they can catch up on each other’s lives and take it from there.

  6. Lucy Says:

    I don’t think it’s worth opening that up again. I mean they live away from each other and it seems starting that conversation again will just add more complication.

    I don’t want to be too critical of OP. Although if he gets in touch, he shouldn’t use the opening gambit he suggested. He should just suggest they meet up for a coffee or something. He might find out it is indeed a fantasy and does not have potential. But I’d hold back on making any confessions until he correctly assesses what’s going on here.

    I can think of a few guys myself who I had a strong attraction to but just didn’t seem a match to me at the time because our lives had different directions. So it’s natural to think “maybe I was too picky back then?”, “what if I had given it a go?”, “would it have worked out?”…”Have I spent too long looking for perfection and missed out on good people?”. This is just a fraction of single person thoughts I have often. But sometimes I encounter those guys again and think “that was definitely all in my head”.

  7. Lucy Says:

    On the ‘recycling’ thing, I think I first read about it on Baggage Reclaim. Then my friend had this ex randomly get back in touch with her. I warned her it was just him going through the telephone numbers because he was low on options. Eventually she accepted this and she didn’t get too deep into it. They just had a fling and that was that. To me this gets me suspicious. I think “why is this man suddenly getting back in touch with me?” after all this time. You just know it isn’t legit.

  8. Astrid Says:

    This guy sounds like a jackhole! There must be other options if you just want to get laid, man.

  9. Violetgirl Says:

    ” found out that she was indeed still rotating through the same dead-end jobs and her lifestyle had not grown beyond the small town where she lived.”

    This guy obviously has zero respect for her and sounds like a total D-bag!! I hope if he does contact her she rejects the hell out of him!

© 2013-2018 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved