Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Daisy
Comment: I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months now, and he has basically been living with me since about a month into our relationship when he first started sleeping over.
If you were to ask him, he like me, would say he lives here. He has his own drawer and shelves in the cupboard. Keeps his toothbrush here. Has a key to my door and clicker for the garage. He even signed up at my local gym with my address.
In fact he only goes home maybe once or twice a week for a change of clothes or to pick up his mail. And sleeps there only occasionally.
We stay at my place because it is nicer and bigger and located very close to both of our places of work.
The thing is, when I recently brought up sharing living expenses I was met with a flat out “no”. He said he’s already paying utilities and taxes and all on his own place – though he’s actually using them here! He’s not generally a cheap guy. He still pays for all our dates and stuff, and is always the one to drive places (to be fair), but still, I feel like his investing in our place, shows an investment in our relationship.
Also, when I’ve asked him to do stuff around the house, he only does it reluctantly. If he’s sleeping here regularly, then I think he should take a bit more care and do his share of the cleaning, maintenance (i.e. change lightbulbs without me asking), etc.
It’s not just the money that bothers me, but also the lack of commitment he’s showing.
I think now that we’re living together, it’s time to step up and show me that he’s really a partner in this. I’ve considered asking him to open a joint account so we could really share expenses, but I’m not sure if the next step should be a ring first. WDYT?
I just want to make sure I have this straight:
You’ve been dating for six months and in that time he has paid for all of your dates “and stuff” and for the gas it takes to go back and forth from those dates, and you’ve contributed nothing in that area. Yet you feel that he should split living expenses with you to prove to you he’s invested in the relationship. Do I have this right?
It sounds like he’s doing a fair amount of investing in your relationship, if you ask me. I have to say that I don’t blame him for refusing to contribute to household expenses. He’s currently covering 100% of your entertainment expenses, plus using his car to chauffeur you around town. And then there’s that “other stuff” he pays for. Despite all that, you now want him to split your utilities and rent? Want him to spit shine your shoes, too? He’s refusing to contribute financially and help around the house because he probably resents your entitlement. Change a light bulb?
Daisy, he’s your partner, not your super. It’s your home. Change the damn bulb yourself.
I think now that we’re living together, it’s time to step up and show me that he’s really a partner in this.
But…you’re not living together. He just crashes at your place frequently. There’s a difference. He has a whole drawer and a cupboard to himself? And you think that constitutes living together? For real?
Just because you’ve decided that you two are living together doesn’t mean you are. A merger like that is far more involved than giving someone closet space and a key. There is more to consider. In most cases, the two people co-habitating bind themselves legally via a lease or a mortgage. Has he done that yet? No? Then you’re not living together. Moving in together is a big step because it usually involves a risk of some kind (usually legal or financial) that ups the ante. He hasn’t risked anything yet. So, no, I don’t think he would say you two live together if asked.
The fact that he hasn’t given up his place should tell you that he doesn’t consider you two “living together.” In fact, you should take that as a sign that he just might be keeping his place around in case things don’t work out with you. That he “reluctantly” does chores should also be a clue to you that he doesn’t consider your home his home.
You’re so busy looking for signs that he’s invested in the relationship that you’ve developed a blindspot for your own bad behavior. What are you doing to show him you’re in this for the long haul? That’s what he’s likely asking himself, and that’s probably why you’re being met with such resistance.