If He’s A Douche, Cut Him Loose

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Bobbiecheating-husband-confused

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Comment: Moxie-
I have been dating a guy for 8 years now and I have recently busted him in several lies.  Last year I was taking care of some personal family business which required me to travel back to my home town frequently.  Everything finally came to a head and I handled everything that I needed to with my family situation.  So, I decided to come home early and when I did my partners phone was ringing and he was acting like it wasn’t.  So, I asked him WHY not answer you phone.  He finally answered his phone and behold he had been speaking with a co-worker for months about her personal problems with her daughter.  Never providing support to me with the situation that I was dealing with regarding my own family.  Then our neighbor next door was having issues with the women he was dating and he would come over and confide in us about issues he was having with his girlfriend.  Come to find out my partner was reaching out to the ex-girl friend next door asking for her phone number and apologizing to
her for what happened like he was unaware of what was going on. My partner already knew because our neighbor was confiding in us.

Then I had been looking in my partners phone and notice that he has been looking at several porn sites as well as pick up artist sites.  Sites that shows him how to pick up women from night clubs and bars as well. He has also been getting on blogs and different site looking up women and how to get with women.  I am at the point that I do not trust him at all and I am at the point that I do not like him.  But it still hurts me very much that I have wasted 8 years of my life with this man. I am not in love with him and I know I need to move on with my life.  I need advise for someone to tell me what is going on with my partner. HELP ME….
Age: 51
City: Atlanta
State: Georgia

You know what’s going on with your partner. He’s being dishonest. I could specify how and why but you already did that.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life checking his phone or wondering where he is, cut him loose. If you stick this out, you were destroy yourself and your self-esteem.

I have very little else to say to this. The answer is obvious.

 

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18 Responses to “If He’s A Douche, Cut Him Loose”

  1. SS Says:

    DTMFA!!!!!!!!

    OP: He lies to you, he disrespects you, and he’s cheating on you (no one trying *that* hard strikes out completely).

    I get that you’ve spent 8 years with him, but why add yet more days, months, years? Don’t you see that would be compounding the damage?

    You don’t trust him. You’re not in love with him. He is clearly not in love with you. What on earth is worth holding onto here?

    It’s time to get angry instead of wallowing in victimhood. Either leave or kick him out. Stat. You deserve much better than wasting a single second more on this douchebag.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

    • fuzzilla Says:

      Yup, pretty cut and dried case of “DTMFA” (Dump The Motherfucker, Already, in case you don’t read Savage Love).

      So what’s the holdup? Finances since they live together? Not wanting to return to the dating pool at her age? Even if you don’t find someone else, being single is like living at a luxurious spa compared to being with someone awful.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

  2. Ben Iyyar Says:

    This relationship seems to me to be irreparably broken and just boiling with deception by her partner leading to complete mistrust by the OP.
    In my opinion, she should just cut her losses, admit that eight years are lost, get over the guy, and move on to someone else. I know it’s easy to say and painful to do.
    I know how hard it is to end a relationship, even a relationship which has become a toxic and damaging, after all anyone can get used to a lot of abusive behavior. Moreover, breaking off a long term relationship, especially for a mature and considerate middle aged person, is just plain hard.
    But she should to tell him to hit the road!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  3. E-B Says:

    The answer is clear, but the OP is having trouble cutting loose because of the 8 year history. This is so common it has a name- “sunk cost fallacy”

    http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-makes-you-act-stupid.html

    “4. “I might as well continue dating someone bad for me because I’ve already invested so much in them.”

    This is unfortunately all too common.

    If you put a lot of emotional investment into a relationship, it can be very challenging to break it off. This can be true of any relationship, not just romantic ones. Perhaps one of your good friends is no longer a positive influence on you. Years of emotional investment makes it very uncomfortable to cut your ties, but you might have to.

    Well, How Do I Free Myself?

    We fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy because we are emotionally invested in whatever money, time, or any other resource we have committed in the past. The most important step to freeing yourself from making poor decisions based on sunk costs is to recognize the logical fallacy. Simply being aware of it will help you tremendously in making more rational decisions in the future.”

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

  4. bbdawg Says:

    Some say if you’re not getting “serious” with someone after 2 years, just break up, it’s not going anywhere. It’s just a limbo thereafter. T People are not furniture, we are not static and stuck in a corner forever…no one should be in a relationship that has no point in existing, that is not going anywhere. EIGHT YEARS?????? Seriously?????

    It’s like that quote from Annie Hall:

    ““A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”

    Let’s not get started on why you’re still with some who clearly is cheating on you/disrespectful, etc…you should invest in a therapist to find out the underlying issues for this or you will be attracting a similar character in your future. The real question is WHY are YOU still with this guy?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  5. Nicki Says:

    As Moxie said… OP already knows what’s going on. Time to move on.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  6. Lisa Says:

    You did not waste 8 years of your life. It was a relationship that served its purpose. Now that purpose has passed and it’s time for the next part of your life to begin. You DON’T want to be in a relationship where there is no trust. That’s the worst!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

    • BTownGirl Says:

      So well said! I think the whole idea of “wasting x years of one’s life” sometimes keeps people in sh*tty relationships, because they don’t want all that effort to come to nothing. It’s never nothing if you learned something. Bobbie, don’t play the game of diminishing returns with this fool. I was just in Atlanta a few months ago and saw A LOT of handsome. Get free and go have some fun :)

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

      • Lisa Says:

        Yeah, it’s like a job. You were in a job for 8 years but it’s not what you want anymore. Or they don’t want you. Or your priorities have changed or your skillset has grown and it’s time to move on. But it paid the bills for 8 yrs, you learned things there, you met ppl, it kept you out of trouble LOL, all that. So take what you want from there with you and start the next chapter. Nothing was wasted…except for any time you remain there AFTER you realize it’s no longer meeting your needs.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

    • SS Says:

      “You did not waste 8 years of your life”

      Amen. I was going to say that too.

      One of my favourite quotes goes something like “There’s no such thing as a mistake, you just gained information you didn’t have at the time.”

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

    • Ben Iyyar Says:

      You make an excellent point, Lisa, regarding relationships, that no time is ever truly wasted, every experience has it’s valid purpose by teaching us life’s lessons.
      That said, in my experience, relationships which end badly, especially one’s which broke up because of emotional, psychological, physical abuse, or over trust issues, often do not make those people wiser, more understanding, considerate, or generous, in other words, better people. Those breakups all too frequently leave the individuals angry, mistrusting, and bitter.
      I have heard it said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but in my opinion, most bad breakups can also make people meaner.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      • SS Says:

        My marriage was extremely abusive. The second I left I got my ass to therapy because I knew the experience had the power to make me horrifically bitter. I spent several years working on the resulting trust issues and generally trying to become a better person all round.

        I’ve therefore been disgruntled at the number and extent of men I’ve met on the dating scene that are completely dysfunctional and their baggage substantial. I wonder if they see how toxic they are… or do they just not care?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

        • fuzzilla Says:

          They probably think therapy is just for 100% non-functioning people in straight jackets. “Therapy? But I’m not crazy…” *eyeroll*

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  7. jaclyn Says:

    I’m not a huge Dr. Phil fan, but I did like one quote I’ve heard him say. In your situation it would be, “Do you know what is worse than wasting 8 years on this man? Wasting 8 years and one day on him.” And I’d agree this is a very clear case of DTMFA.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  8. maria Says:

    you didn’t waste 8 years. i know its hard to believe but whatever happened in those 8 years happened. like someone else said, its like a job or any other life experience. it happened. it changed you as a person and now its time to see what is next in store for you. all you will be doing going forward if you stay is truly waste more years of your life because you will be staying, unhappy, knowing that its over. today is the day to leave unhappiness and behind and see what is next for you. it is way easier said than done but, its something that must be done. good luck!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  9. Bill Says:

    “I am not in love with him…” and “and I am at the point that I do not like him.”

    Bobbie, those two statements, by themselves, mean it’s time to leave (or ask him to leave, whichever the appropriate case may be)

    The fact that he’s a lying, cheating douchebag means that it should have been yesterday! Good luck.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  10. Donnie K Says:

    It’s obvious there’s a lot more to this story. The bottom line – that doesn’t matter. I agree, it’s difficult to cut the chord having invested eight-years of your life on someone. Regardless, you said it yourself. You’re not in love with him. End the relationship immediately. You’ll feel better in the long run.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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