Signs He’s a Mr. Hit It & Quit It

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Name: Cassie
State: NYC
Age: http://34
Comment: Hi Moxie,

I met a guy a week ago in a bar and we hit it off. We exchanged numbers and went out on our first date the following night and had dinner and drinks. .the conversation was great and  we have a lot common. At the end of the date we didn’t get kiss but he gave me a hug. During the course of the week we texted off and on. He initiated the texts.

We went out on our second date and had a great time.  This time it was drinking and dancing. As the night wore on (and the booze flowed) we began to casually touch each other – hand on the back, lap etc – so by the end of the night we were making out like teenagers. He begged me to go home with him but I declined. I could tell he was disappointed. But what guy isn’t? He continues to text me but hasn’t asked for another date. Although he knew I had plans with my friends on Saturday and he was watching the football game with friends on Sunday.

My question is two-fold: (1) how do I know if he genuinely likes me or he’s priming the pump so that I sleep with him. I have to admit that after that make out session I would love to sleep with him but I don’t want him to do the fade away. Or am I getting ahead of myself considering he hasn’t asked me out for date 3 yet? (2)  can I ask him out for date 3 or should I wait for him to ask me? I think this guy may have potential but I don’t want to blow it by sleeping with him too soon or asking him out.  Thanks for your advice. Cassie

 

You should absolutely ask him out for the third date. He’s probably feeling  a little unsure of where you stand since you politely put the brakes on things when they got too hot and heavy. He’s gun shy now.

how do I know if he genuinely likes me or he’s priming the pump so that I sleep with him.

Cassie, he IS priming the pump so that you’ll sleep with him. That’s okay. You want to sleep with him, too. You’re not looking to pump and dump him, are you? We have to get past this idea that just because a man wants to have sex with us that he’s going to use us or that he’s a bad person. Our heads get filled with this idea from friends and movies and magazines. It’s absolute nonsense.

I don’t have any sure fire red flags to help you spot a Mr. Hit It and Quit It. I wish I did. The only way you’re going to know for sure if he’s going to fade is if he fades. That’s it. If you want to delay sex until you feel you have a better baseline to use to evaluate him, then you should wait to get physical. Just understand that you’re really not waiting for a justifiable reason unless he’s given you the impression his interest and behavior are disingenuous. You think you’re controlling the outcome, but you’re not.

A few weeks ago I was watching an episode of American Horror Story. One of the characters was trying to rid the house of two of the more evil ghosts. She lured the spirit to the basement and proceeded to recite some mystical chant that a medium said would force out all the malevolent spirits. Guess what? It didn’t work. The ghost pointed out to her that chants and burning sage and various other tricks and myths were all bullshit. They were steps people took in an attempt to take control of a situation that scared them.   We have what we need to detect or determine danger. We just ignore those warning signs out of fear or ignorance or pride.

That’s why many of these silly rules and games and tests are useless. They’re flimsy ploys to help people maintain a sense of control over a situation over which they have no control. In reality, precautionary measures do not protect people from getting used or dumped. All they do is give the person a false sense of security and power. No blog or bullet point list or “experienced” girlfriend’s wise advice can protect you. That’s a scary reality, I know. But the sooner you accept that fact, the better of you’ll be.

What you and many women in your shoes want are sure fire signs that a guy is a player so that you can “know” if this guy is genuine. There are none, really. You’re trying to dictate the results of this experiment by using criteria that amounts to a hill of nothing. One thing I do know is that if you start to question him and you tell him how afraid you are of this happening, the more likely it is that he will fade. Once a woman expresses that kind of mistrust, many men decide that the hill they’re expected to climb is far too steep. As a result, they turn around and walk away.

You need to trust your own instincts and judgment. Forget about what I say. What do YOU think? Do you have bad taste in men? Do you always find yourself pursuing men that don’t return the interest? Do you frequently find yourself in this very position, where you’re trying to analyze him like a criminal profiler? If so, where has all of that gotten you? Because if has led you to constant analysis paralysis with no mans, it’s not working.  You might think you’ve dodged those bullets. But really, those men are the ones who should be thankful they got out in time.

Now, if you’ve had a relative amount of success doing something, and it has worked out for you, then continue doing it. If waiting helps you feel more at ease and relieve the paranoia, then do it. That will be better for both of you in the long run. But if you’re thinking that the longer he waits will determine how invested he is, you’re heading down a bad path. More often than not, guys like that WILL hit it and quit it out of frustration and their own fear of being used.

You need to trust that you have good judgment with men. If you want to have sex with him, then have sex with him. Be safe, ask the appropriate questions, and then enjoy it. If he never calls again, so what? That’s not a reflection on you.  You had a great few dates. Maybe he didn’t feel the sexual chemistry was there. Maybe he realized he wasn’t ready. Maybe he didn’t feel you were the one for him. Whatever. You’re never going to know the real reason anyway, so there’s no point in obsessing.

The only way you’re going to be able to control the outcome of this situation is to manage how you react and respond to it. We’re always trying to control the guys, and inevitably we end up surrendering our power by doing so.  So stop with all the rules and tests. They don’t work.

They’re bullshit.

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25 Responses to “Signs He’s a Mr. Hit It & Quit It”

  1. Selena Says:

    This letter is almost identical to yesterday’s. If someone isn’t asking to get together a third time is it really such a stretch to figure they aren’t that interested in getting together a third time? Sure the LW could ask him out, but that’s not going to make him MORE interested than he is now.

    And BEGGING to go home on the second date? BEGGING? Seriously? I hope that is an exaggeration. I would find that a total turnoff. Not a “sign” of a Mr. Hit it and Quit it, but an indicator of a personality I don’t want to deal with. Ugh.

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    • Fyodor Says:

      ” If someone isn’t asking to get together a third time is it really such a stretch to figure they aren’t that interested in getting together a third time?”

      I could just as easily say “if a woman won’t sleep with a guy is it such a stretch to figure out that she isn’t that interested in sleeping with the guy” and he should move on? But of course, women who might still want to sleep with a guy (sooner or later) might want to measure his interest and not put themselves to be in the position to be rejected after the fact.

      Physical intimacy is one of the main indicators men rely upon to determine if they’re being jerked around or if that the woman has genuine reciprocal interest. Skin in the game as Moxie punned yesterday.

      Obviously women should never do anything they’re not comfortable with but it is one of the main data points men rely on. He is waiting for her to follow up because he sees her putting him off as a sign that she’s not really that interested. If she’s not ready to escalate physically she should to do something else to show that she’s interested, like asking him out on the next date.

      I’d also add, even aside from the specifics of this case, by the third date, some men might like a girl to show initiative and start asking or suggesting dates.

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      • Selena Says:

        “I could just as easily say “if a woman won’t sleep with a guy is it such a stretch to figure out that she isn’t that interested in sleeping with the guy” and he should move on?”

        Sure you could say that. But as a man, how many women were eager to have sex with you on the second date? Contrast that to the number of women who wanted sex with you at some point beyond the second date. Much as you might like second date sex, I bet you learned not to EXPECT it, yes? And you probably didn’t dismiss women who didn’t have second date sex as uninterested wholesale did you?

        Making out like teenagers on the second date sounds like demonstrating physical interest to me. Putting more skin in the game than a hug, or gentle kiss good-night wouldn’t you agree?

        In my experience people who are genuinely interested don’t want to lose momentum. They don’t want to go from 2 enjoyable dates to becoming text buddies. They don’t want the person they are attracted to to lose interest in THEM. It’s when they are not that interested, or have something else going on they are pursuing, they may put the person they went out with on the back burner.

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  2. Nicki Says:

    I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility that he hasn’t asked for a third date but is interested. I mean, it’s a week. Seeing someone three times in a week isn’t always the norm and he may be waiting until they get through a busy weekend. I don’t think it’s wrong to ask him about a third date. Now if there had been a month long space between date two and now then *that* is a sign that he isn’t interested.

    I agree with Moxie on pretty much all accounts. OP needs to follow her instincts. If he seems genuine then march onward. If he seems like the pump and dump type then don’t waste time. I’m not sure why people have such an issue with trusting their gut on stuff.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Texting is a pretty low investment way to stay in touch. It could mean he put you on the back burner/emergency booty call Rolodex. However, I think if the guy is texting consistently (every day/couple times a week), then he is interested and waiting for you to take the hint and show some initiative. He didn’t disappear, he’s keeping communication lines open. Just suggest grabbing a drink if you’re interested.

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  3. Yvonne Says:

    I really don’t think I’ve ever had a man who was genuinely interested stop calling if we didn’t have sex by the second date. Even after a pretty good make-out session. The only ones who did stop calling or who pulled back were the ones who either just wanted to get laid or those who were already seeing someone else (and usually the former).

    I really don’t believe that guys are “gun-shy” about these things. Even a shy man will keep up pursuit if interested enough. They either like you and want to keep pursuing or they don’t. If Cassie’s guy was really interested, and after a make-out session like the one they had, he’d have been asking when he could see her again either at the end of the date or soon after. He wouldn’t be keeping her on his text string.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **I really don’t think I’ve ever had a man who was genuinely interested stop calling if we didn’t have sex by the second date.**

      I admit the texting without suggesting a concrete date isn’t a great sign, but I don’t think it’s quite time to pull the plug if she’s interested. I’d suggest meeting and see how he reacts. He could genuinely be busy. He could be going on other dates, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s all that into any of them.

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      • Yvonne Says:

        Maybe. But she’s asking how she can know if he genuinely likes her. At this early stage, the best way to know is whether or not he follows up with her after their dates, and how soon he’s asking her out again.

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        • Selena Says:

          A male blogger I enjoyed reading made a mantra for his female readers:

          “If there is a discrepancy between a man’s words and his actions…always go by his actions.”

          The man’s actions here are not making any effort to see the woman again.

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  4. Cooldude Says:

    I have a genuine question. I understand that it’s a bit of an ego blow to have sex with someone and have them blow you off. That being said, is it really THAT bad? Are you THAT invested in someone after 2-3 dates where you’ll feel SO OMG HURT? I mean…worst case scenario you got laid. That’s it.

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    • Lucy Says:

      Her scenario sounds similar to mine which I mentioned on the other post comments (sorry if I am talking about this too much). It does depend on the individual situation. Like in my case, since I live in a small town and rumours spread like wildfire, I can’t just go and have casual sex with a guy and hope people forget it. If I lived in a city it’d be different because if it didn’t work out, we won’t see each other again anyway.So when said guy was acting like guy OP mentions, I did make mistakes by not showing interest back and I knew there was a risk of him leaving but to me the pace of it was too quick. If it doesn’t feel comfortable, then don’t do it but don’t expect guy to stick around either. If he doesn’t, there’s plenty of other guys out there anyway. That’s what I think.

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    • Selena Says:

      There are more women hoping to meet someone for a relationship with an emotional component than there are women who just want to get laid. Look through your life experience Cooldude – all the people you have known whether or not you dated them. Your family. Your friends. Those you went to school with,those you’ve worked with. Have you really never noticed this?

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    • D. Says:

      Gotta agree here. And, for that matter, it applies to the guys who date a woman who ends up not being interested in them when they paid for a few dates. The way I see it, all of this is just the “cost of doing business” when it comes to dating.

      So much of this stuff seems driven by fear, but the obvious question is “Fear of what exactly?” Most of the time, the answer seems to be “Disappointment at being rejected.” Is it really that bad?

      I mean, ok, Selena’s circumstances are a little different. I can see where being in an environment where your reputation may precede you requires one to think a few steps ahead. But outside of that…I dunno…take a chance. Live a little. Accept that there’s risk in dating for both parties and there are no guarantees.

      All the handwringing, the bullshit tests, the agonizing and analyzing of behavior, it’s all just so much wasted energy. Yes, it’s true that guys exist who consciously try to lie to or otherwise manipulate women into sex. Those guys don’t stick around past a date or two, though, because, since they only want sex, they’ll be more inclined to go find it elsewhere. Likewise, there are some women out there who are what some men call “dinner whores” who will go out to dinner with a guy they’re lukewarm about just to get a free dinner.

      But you know what? Those people are really, really rare. In most cases, the other person isn’t that malicious. More often than not, people are careless and lack insight into themselves, and end up accidentally disappointing the other person.

      The guy you slept with on date 2 who didn’t call? He probably wasn’t going into it thinking “I’m gonna fuck this girl and then never call her again. Haha!” More likely he had sex and then lost interest. Or he thought it was understood everything was casual.

      That woman who dated you for a month and then called it off, having made out with you but not slept with you? It’s REALLY UNLIKELY that she sat around thinking “This guy is a chump, but at least he takes me to nice places. I’ll let him take me out a few more times, then dump his ass.” More likely, she was just on the fence about the guy, and ended up deciding “Nah.”

      At worst, you could call either of these people lacking in insight. But intentionally cruel? Nope. Your disappointment, however great it may be, doesn’t automatically make them a villain.

      I dunno. I just read a lot of these submissions and they all seem to be written from this mindset of a defensive crouch. If you want to actually find something good, you won’t find it with that frame of mind. You have to be open and willing to get a little banged up here and there. That’s not to say you should throw caution to the wind and ignore your instincts or good sense, but rather you shouldn’t fear the negative outcome so much. It’s a rejection. It stings, but you dust yourself off, pick yourself up, and keep moving. Relax. It’s not the end of the world.

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      • Selena Says:

        “I mean, ok, Selena’s circumstances are a little different. I can see where being in an environment where your reputation may precede you requires one to think a few steps ahead. ”

        Uh, I think you were referring to Lucy, D.?

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      • mxf Says:

        Most of the time, the answer seems to be “Disappointment at being rejected.”

        I agree with you, but I think it can go a bit deeper than this. Speaking only for myself, if I think back to the one or two times I have been really disproportionately (in hindsight) thrown or emotional about someone not wanting to date me, I was feeling a bit low overall about the chances of meeting someone I could really connect with. It was some perfect storm of me feeling wistful about my wish to meet someone I could click with instead of having another inane first or second date, and clicking a bit better than average with a guy. It was more than just liking the other person a lot, although that was part of it – for me, the “fear” came from the idea of having to forage through another three dozen dates to get that interested feeling again. And for all I know that very mindset gave off some undateable vibe to those guys.

        But for the me shitty rejection feeling was global, and not specific to having sex or not having had sex. And I didn’t do anything outward about it, I just knew I had to figure out why I was weirdly invested in seeing things continue to flow with someone I’d just met.

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      • bbdawg Says:

        In my experience the offers for sex for the majority of women online and otherwise are so abundant that it has actually devalued sex as a normal step in dating stages. The bulk of the work for women dating now is essentially sorting through sex offers (discard) vs more than sex pile.

        What the OP might have tried to do is see if the guy was interested in her as a person (i.e. if you could sustain a conversation without needing to have or allude to sex). Going out dancing is really fun but it’s not necessarily a good way to get to know someone so I understand the reservation.

        Men’s interest in sex is completely unrelated to interest in relationships, like literally it’s in a different part of the brain. Since the game for women is not sex but relationships, it makes sense to conserve energy and only invest in men who give out those *other* signals because there is just too much of the casual dudes out there, esp. in big cities with lots of options.

        There is no right or wrong, it’s not necessarily a bad thing to have sex sooner but maybe the OP just got clues from this guy that he was in it for sex mostly, esp. since he cooled off after she turned him down for sex on the second outing. He might have felt rejected, or he might have been in only for the sex. Ultimately Moxie is right, give him the benefit of the doubt, ask him out for a drink and the you will find out.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      @Cooldude this issue isn’t so much being “OMG HURT” it’s really about weeding out time wasters. Someone mentioned “players” on another thread. But it’s not so much the old idea of being played or “fooled”.

      This has really evolved, from my perspective anyway, into something along the lines of women not wanting to waste their time. As a woman you are essentially looking for someone who seems to be compatible, that you are attracted to,who is open to a potential relationship.

      That is why the “clues”to this have to do basically with how engaged you are to each other as people, because if that’s there, sex is a no-brainer. Otherwise WHY waste your time?

      When I was dating I remember one time I met a guy from online at a bar, he was cute and attractive and everything, but we didn’t have much in common and at one point he said that he “wasn’t looking for anything really serious” as soon as I heard that, I paused for a little while and said “well, it was nice to meet you, I have to go”. And walked out. He had a surprised look on his face. That’s what I mean. He didn’t say anything wrong and he wasn’t rude. He laid his cards on the table. Dating is one of these situations where when you realize that someone isn’t on the same boat as you (i.e. tells you he is looking for FWBs), you leave. Like immediately.

      Time is a person’s most precious resource, you just want to make sure you don’t waste it because the number of men who have little to offer is much bigger than the ones that do, so you’re constantly weeding out people.

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  5. BTownGirl Says:

    Cassie, we’re the same age, both live in major cities and I’m agreeing with Moxie. I say just ask him to grab a drink! Short of telepathy, all any of us really have to go on is good instincts and good common sense. Does he show interest in you as a person by asking questions? Aside from the makeout sesh (*high fives you*), are you conversing about stuff other than sex? Is he respectful of people (of all genders) in general? If the answers are “yes, yes and yes”, I say Nike this sh*t and just do it if you’re feeling it. Good luck and let us know how it turns out! :)

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  6. Francesca Says:

    All that you said is true but one thing I’d add is…if you KNOW him and he has hit and quit in the past, chances are, he’ll do the same with you. It sounds obvious but it’s clearly not. Especially in university environments where you can easily learn about somebody’s past I see so many girls convince themselves that ‘they’re different and then of course they’re not.

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  7. Jake Says:

    If I was this guy, I would have moved on by now. Of course, it is obvious that he is backing off and regulating the OP to a maybe or backup.

    The OP sounds like she would have had sex with him by the second date–but, she did not. What is the difference between having sex on the second versus the third date? If the OP is going to get dumped after sex, it is going to happen and no amount of waiting or gamesmanship will prevent it.

    I will say, however, that the begging is a concern. My advice OP is to move on.

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  8. Jake Says:

    I have another comment to add. In this case, you only made out with the guy. For him to expect sex and pull back because you did not go home with him, appears to be immature and needy on his part. You two only made out. That’s nothing. Noone should expect sex from a mere make-out session.

    Now, if you had gone home with him, rounded the bases and did everything but sex, and, then, you wanted to stop, I would tell this guy to move on. Only guys with no options have time for that.

    Again, OP you should move on.

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  9. Donnie K Says:

    Great Analysis. What often gets overlooked is the obvious:

    It’s difficult to spot players (hit it and quit it guys) because the good ones have their game so down pat they’re impossible to spot. All you can do is trust your gut.I can guarantee you this. If you over-analyze or work yourself into a frenzy over whether or not this guy just wants to “sleep” with you, you will make the wrong decision. Relax and let things happen and chances are, you’ll be alright.

    Something else that gets lost in all the convoluted BS. As long as the sex isn’t awful, most men and woman aren’t going to walk away. Especially in your 30’s and 40’s. Believe it or not, most guys once they reach a certain age aren’t looking to bang every chick they meet.

    Go have some fun with this due and let things happen.

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  10. coffeestop Says:

    I had a guy get mad at me because I did not want to go to his house for dinner for a first date. He accused me of having “trust” issues and I said, “you know what, you are right, see ya”. I am going to sound like my grandmother here but I never do any power drinking on a date, if the date is mostly about getting plowed I assume that person is priming the pump. A few glasses of wine sure, doing many round sof tequila shots when you have only gotten together a few times, nope.

    My feeling is any dates that involve going to the other person’s home means they want to set up for sex so if I am not there, I decline and suggest something else. If they back off after that, then oh well.

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