Comment: Hi there-
My question is…where do I find men to date if I refuse to date online?
I am 39. Been Divorced 3 years. Dated online for 2…with disasterous results. I am pretty nice looking and in shape (especially by midwest standards) so I do not have a problem getting men to respond online. BUT- I have met literally nothing but horrible people. So bad, I started keeping a spreadsheet. In 6 months, I went out on many first dates. 9 of the guys were not actually divorced (though they said they were), 4 guys were still really married with active wives, 5 lied about their ages by between 8-10 years, 2 had DUIs and couldn’t drive, one guy called his ex the C word within 10 minutes of our meeting, one guy was an ex-felon twice over, most of them tried to start talking sex before we even met (citing “need chemistry, dated a lot of dead fish, must know we have similar sexual tastes before we bother meeting”)and one very, very sweet man who gave me a few fantastic dates but was unfortunately affixed with a micro penis….seriously, like nothing I had ever seen.
So, I quit online dating in February. I go out with my girlfriends all the time. We do lots of events where there are lot of men. Beer tastings, parties, charities, etc. I meet men all the time. Chat with them all night. Give them my number. Exchange texts…they can’t wait to see me again. And then? I never hear from them. Just…..don’t. I don’t know why they asked for my number in the first place. I don’t know why they texted me and then stopped. I am literally fun and pressure free.
So…what do I do? Any advice?
I’m thinking there are three things at work:
You have you horrific taste in men. Nobody has that many bad experiences by chance. Nobody. Your radar is either on the fritz or you pay attention to the wrong things. It simply isn’t possible that you met so many questionable men. The people who frequently like to complain about all the horrible messages they receive or who vent publicly about all their disappointing dates never seem to grasp that they are actually broadcasting that they are a bit of a dating failure themselves. There’s only so many times a person can rant out in the open before people start to wonder if maybe the problem is them. The folks who advertise their inability to meet anyone online should be ignored. Only a fool would do that.
The men you’re meeting offline aren’t all that interested in the first place. If you’re meeting men and exchanging numbers and texting and they never ask you out, something is off. Either they weren’t all that excited about going out with you from the start OR something you’re doing or saying during these conversations is turning them off. I keep saying this: a man’s level of interest is as sincere as his options at the time. Plenty of men will exchange digits with a woman and add her as a contact with the intention of saving her for a rainy day, if you know what I mean. (Before all the disgruntled dudes start complaining – YES – some women do this, too but not nearly with as much regularity.)
You enjoy the drama. You created a spreadsheet? You must be so organized and efficient! Drafting a flow chart of all your bad dates is no different than blogging about them. You get something from these bad dates. Maybe it’s attention or sympathy. Maybe it’s a laugh from friends who think your stories are so delightfully entertaining. Or maybe you just love sticking it to guys because it gives you some sense of control over the whole process. Personally, I think it’s all of the above. You enjoy dwelling on all of these horror stories. You’d rather have the bad dates than actually have a guy stick around. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re too good for most men or that the guys you meet aren’t on your level or whatever it is that delusional people tell themselves to explain why they can’t get a date. You’re no different than the men who roll in here on a regular basis to whine about all the serial daters and attention seekers online who never answer their emails. In both cases, the people bitching are either choosing poorly or not presenting themselves as well as they think.
When I hear someone talk about how bad online dating is and listen to them drone on and on about all the losers they’ve met, I think one thing: they couldn’t make online dating work to their advantage. They shot way out of their league and came up empty handed time and again.What these folks are actually trying to do is sway others away from using online dating so they can feel like less of a failure.
Equally annoying are the people who don’t even date online that have to preface their opinions about online dating with, “I’ve never done online dating but…” Translation: Ugh. You poor losers. I don’t have to stoop to trolling dating sites. This just in: meeting someone offline doesn’t make you more attractive or desirable. It means nothing. Everybody meets online these days, whether it’s an actual dating app or Facebook. Cutting off that avenue as a way to meet people is shooting yourself in the foot. You have to be where the people are.
Online dating success requires 3 things:
1. Know your audience aka stop shooting out of your league. Sorry, but there are just some people you will never ever date.
2. Accept that some people suck.
3. Understand that a profile will not help you determine long-term compatibility. That’s what the dates are for.
Online dating works. It does. It is probably one the easiest ways to meet people and get dates. Do I think it’s a great way to find last love? No. But then I don’t think meeting through friends is a sure fire way to find commitment, either. It’s all about what you do with the opportunities that are presented to you. If you think it sucks, it will suck.
Lower your expectations and you’ll rarely be disappointed. I can honestly count on one hand how many “bad” dates I’ve had in the last few years. And by bad I mean “didn’t turn into anything memorable.” I have yet to meet a felon or secretly married man. What’s my secret? I don’t go out with everybody who asks. I’m perfectly okay not going out on date night or not having something to yap about on Facebook and Twitter. And I don’t shoot out of my league. I know what men are attracted to me and what men are just faking it because they’re in the midst of a dry spell.
OP, if you’re utilizing all the available options to meet men and you can’t seem to get one guy to stick around or are unable to meet someone of quality, the problem is with you. It’s that simple. Either you are choosing the wrong guys or you’re going for guys with a hefty amount of options or something you’re doing once you get these guy’s attention is making them turn around and walk away.