Is It Online Dating That Sucks Or Is It You?

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Comment: Hi there-

My question is…where do I find men to date if I refuse to date online?

I am 39. Been Divorced 3 years. Dated online for 2…with disasterous results. I am pretty nice looking and in shape (especially by midwest standards) so I do not have a problem getting men to respond online. BUT- I have met literally nothing but horrible people. So bad, I started keeping a spreadsheet. In 6 months, I went out on many first dates. 9 of the guys were not actually divorced (though they said they were), 4 guys were still really married with active wives, 5 lied about their ages by between 8-10 years, 2 had DUIs and couldn’t drive, one guy called his ex the C word within 10 minutes of our meeting, one guy was an ex-felon twice over,  most of them tried to start talking sex before we even met (citing “need chemistry, dated a lot of dead fish, must know we have similar sexual tastes before we bother meeting”)and one very, very sweet man who gave me a few fantastic dates but was unfortunately affixed with a micro penis….seriously, like nothing I had ever seen.

So, I quit online dating in February. I go out with my girlfriends all the time. We do lots of events where there are lot of men. Beer tastings, parties, charities, etc. I meet men all the time. Chat with them all night. Give them my number. Exchange texts…they can’t wait to see me again. And then? I never hear from them. Just…..don’t. I don’t know why they asked for my number in the first place. I don’t know why they texted me and then stopped. I am literally fun and pressure free.

So…what do I do? Any advice?
Age: 39
City: Detroit
State: MI

I’m thinking there are three things at work:

You have you horrific taste in men. Nobody has that many bad experiences by chance. Nobody. Your radar is either on the fritz or you pay attention to the wrong things. It simply isn’t possible that you met so many questionable men. The people who frequently like to complain about all the horrible messages they receive or who vent publicly about all their disappointing dates never seem to grasp that they are actually broadcasting that they  are a bit of a dating failure themselves. There’s only so many times a person can rant out in the open before people start to wonder if maybe the problem is them. The folks who advertise their inability to meet anyone online should be ignored. Only a fool would do that.

The men you’re meeting offline aren’t all that interested in the first place. If you’re meeting men and exchanging numbers and texting and they never ask you out, something is off. Either they weren’t all that excited about going out with you from the start OR something you’re doing or saying during these conversations is turning them off. I keep saying this: a man’s level of interest is as sincere as his options at the time. Plenty of men will exchange digits with a woman and add her as a contact with the intention of saving her for a rainy day, if you know what I mean. (Before all the disgruntled dudes start complaining – YES – some women do this, too but not nearly with as much regularity.)

You enjoy the drama. You created a spreadsheet? You must be so organized and efficient! Drafting a flow chart of all your bad dates is no different than blogging about them. You get something from these bad dates. Maybe it’s attention or sympathy. Maybe it’s a laugh from friends who think your stories are so delightfully entertaining. Or maybe you just love sticking it to guys because it gives you some sense of control over the whole process. Personally, I think it’s all of the above. You enjoy dwelling on all of these horror stories. You’d rather have the bad dates than actually have a guy stick around. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re too good for most men or that the guys you meet aren’t on your level or whatever it is that delusional people tell themselves to explain why they can’t get a date. You’re no different than the men who roll in here on a regular basis to whine about all the serial daters and attention seekers online who never answer their emails. In both cases, the people bitching are either choosing poorly or not presenting themselves as well as they think.

When I hear someone talk about how bad online dating is and listen to them drone on and on about all the losers they’ve met, I think one thing:  they couldn’t make online dating work to their advantage. They shot way out of their league and came up empty handed time and again.What these folks are actually trying to do is sway others away from using online dating so they can feel like less of a failure.

Equally annoying are the people who don’t even date online that have to preface their opinions about online dating with, “I’ve never done online dating but…”  Translation: Ugh. You poor losers. I don’t have to stoop to trolling dating sites. This just in: meeting someone offline doesn’t make you more attractive or desirable. It means nothing. Everybody meets online these days, whether it’s an actual dating app or Facebook. Cutting off that avenue as a way to meet people is shooting yourself in the foot. You have to be where the people are.

Online dating success requires 3 things:

1. Know your audience aka stop shooting out of your league. Sorry, but there are just some people you will never ever date.

2. Accept that some people suck.

3. Understand that a profile will not help you determine long-term compatibility. That’s what the dates are for.

Online dating works. It does. It is probably one the easiest ways to meet people and get dates. Do I think it’s a great way to find last love? No. But then I don’t think meeting through friends is a sure fire way to find commitment, either. It’s all about what you do with the opportunities that are presented to you. If you think it sucks, it will suck.

Lower your expectations and you’ll rarely be disappointed. I can honestly count on one hand how many “bad” dates I’ve had in the last few years. And by bad I mean “didn’t turn into anything memorable.” I have yet to meet a felon or secretly married man. What’s my secret? I don’t go out with everybody who asks. I’m perfectly okay not going out on date night or not having something to yap about on Facebook and Twitter. And I don’t shoot out of my league. I know what men are attracted to me and what men are just faking it because they’re in the midst of a dry spell.

OP, if you’re utilizing all the available options to meet men and you can’t seem to get one guy to stick around or are unable to meet someone of quality, the problem is with you. It’s that simple. Either you are choosing the wrong guys or you’re going for guys with a hefty amount of options or something you’re doing once you get these guy’s attention is making them turn around and walk away.

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38 Responses to “Is It Online Dating That Sucks Or Is It You?”

  1. Nicki Says:

    I’m going to agree with Moxie, of course. Either OP’s radar is extremely off or she is purposely looking for the wrong things.

    I’ve done a decent amount of online dating. Yes, I have had a terrible date or two. However, I have met way more great people then duds. Even guys who it didn’t work out with were really solid guys who just weren’t a right fit.

    OP needs to evaluate her own behavior to figure out what the issue is.

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    • Lucy Says:

      I honestly just think it’s a phase like one I went through, when dating was just a bit of laugh. But I assume it’ll get to the point where she just gets fed up of the fun and games and pointless dates and would rather meet the real deal. When you get more serious about it, it’s easier to spot the potentially shady guys than having the mindset of going on as many dates as you can to get yourself out there.

      But I also think LW could also benefit from advice about how to filter out all the liars. Her disappointment about people lying about their status is a frustration I can relate to. At the very least, you don’t want people to omit important facts. Having someone waste your time is the worst feeling.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

  2. Stephanie Says:

    “Lower your expectations..”?? Isn’t that the problem? If we women had higher expectations then perhaps more men would rise up to meet them. Maybe that’s part of the problem. Lower your expectations just to say you had a date?? No thank you. Rather stay single.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 25 Thumb down 26

    • Lucy Says:

      I don’t think women should date anyone just to not be single. But I don’t think that’s what Moxie is really saying. I think she is saying to search for the right guy but to also be realistic and pragmatic about it. I’m a notoriously fussy person so I check myself by thinking “hm do I actually have this standard that I expect this guy to have?”. If I don’t have it myself, I assume I am being a hypocrite and asking too much. My trouble is the longer you’re single, the more expectations you have because you have more time to think about it.

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  3. Alexa Says:

    I think online dating is tough because you have to sell yourself, and some people just aren’t good with that online. Some people are better off meeting people in person and online dating is very intimidating. You have to have great, clear pictures and write compelling text…about yourself. Too much and you sound like an ego maniac, too little and you sound like a hermit. That said, if every one of your documented dates is a disaster, you are probably looking at only men who you are instantly attracted to, or you’re doing it for the sport. Not sure why a spreadsheet would be necessary unless you were planning to use the document for writing a future book, column, or blog.

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  4. SS Says:

    My strong gut instinct is that the OP’s profile is overly sexual, which is specifically why they’re comfortable initiating sexual conversation, and why it’s inviting the dregs of society to contact her.

    From their behaviour and reactions, these men are all viewing her as a “good time girl.” That’s on her.

    Changing her profile would attract a different demographic entirely.

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    • SS Says:

      Ditto the in person meets – they think she’s hot so it’s a “win” to get her number, but they want to DATE a “good girl.”

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 5

    • Lucy Says:

      Or she might not be hot but they think she’s cute and a goer…Euurgh I hate the thought but anyway. I actually had some guy friends analyse my profile before and give me feedback. They pointed out a few things that make a guy think you’re sexual without explicitly saying it. I didn’t have revealing pictures or anything but I used to say in my profile that I enjoy the odd tequila, which those guys told me to remove as it makes me seem ‘easy’. They also said to remove any photographs of myself holding an alcoholic drink. It’s interesting how subtle things can give a different overall impression. Also on OKCupid, I don’t answer any questions about sex because it just gives the wrong impression and makes you seem sexual just because you’ve answered those questions.

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      • bbdawg Says:

        It’s so interesting that with online dating you now have to give the appearance of being a really straight-laced person in order to avoid the dreaded (and so common) sexual messages/open relationship’ers/permabachelors and non-relationship-seeking types. Even if you like sex, you have to hide it otherwise you’re stuck with the time-wasters.

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  5. Lisa Says:

    I think which site(s) she’s on matters.

    I also think she needs to revise her profile so she appears to have higher standards and be more discerning. (She mentions being “fun and pressure free.” Clearly that is working against her. She needs to apply enough “pressure” to ward of the losers and bums, even if that cuts her response rate down.)

    Also I think she needs to vet these guys more on the phone before the dates. Sometimes that isn’t necessary. But if she is wasting her Friday and Saturday nights going on dead end first dates w/ losers and bums, she needs to check her screening process a bit. I’d rather waste 20 mins at home while doing laundry, talking to the guy on the phone on a Tuesday, or texting a bit during the workday, than to get all dolled up for a wknd date and be majorly disappointed when he turns out to be nothing like I want him to be.

    It seems the message on this site is never to talk prior to the first date bc you could wind up scaring him off or he could scare you off or whatever. And I say, good, do that! She shouldn’t be so desperate for a date she’s removing every barrier for every guy. She needs to create a few barriers that the undesirable guys won’t be able to pass thru. And if it results in fewer dates, that’s fine. At this point in life, she should be seeking quality over quantity.

    That’s not to say she should be busting these guys’ balls and running them thru the ringer. She still should be friendly and easy going. But these guys should also be able to sense from talking to her that she is a decent, respectable woman who isn’t putting up w/ any BS, so they need to come correct w/ her or stay home.

    However, I now have to point the finger at he LW. She said two had DUIs and couldn’t drive. But yet, you still went on dates w/ them?? So you picked them up?? If a clean drivers license is important to her, then she should have nixed those two right off the rip. And ~most~ started talking about sex before the first date? OK, if that is a deal breaker, then why the heck is she proceeding on w/ the first date then. That is called vetting people. If they show you a side of them that you do not like, be thankful and move on. Don’t go on the date anyway, and create a spreadsheet!

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Using your clever technique, I’ve screened out those assholes who prefer to meet rather than entertain me on the telephone while I’m doing laundry. Such time wasters.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 8

      • Lisa Says:

        A few phone conversations shouldn’t be a dealbreaker for anyone who is looking for a serious relationship.

        Maybe you’d bail, but plenty of men wouldn’t. And some men want to know they’re not wasting their time either.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 6

        • ATWYSingle Says:

          Actually, most men would bail. Guys who endure a couple rounds of phone calls just to appease some entitled ambivalent idiot are usually the guys nobody wants anyway. So, um, congrats?

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 20

          • Lisa Says:

            Not my experience at all.

            And why does someone have to “endure” it? Starting to get to know someone a little before the date can be fun. (But then I never approached dating as an audition whose purpose was for the man to size me up and stamp me approved, etc. It’s just a fun way for a new friendship to be made…which could lead to more.)

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 6

            • D. Says:

              I don’t know what your dating experiences are, but it sounds like your particular experience is anything but universal. Maybe that’s a factor of demographics, whether that’s age bracket, geographic location, or something else. I have no idea.

              But generally speaking, men prefer to date women who seem interested in them. If a man gets the sense that a woman is genuinely interested, he’ll pursue her.

              But the thing is, what qualifies as “seems interested” is changing. It used to be that if a woman didn’t reject you outright, that meant she was interested. It used to be that women could be a lot more passive in dating, too, and that men would actively “court” them.

              A lot of that has changed, though. Some of that is due to shifting social mores, but some of it is also due to the rise of online dating in and of itself. With online dating, you have access to a much wider pool of people to date. The end result is that more men have had experiences of not just passive continued acceptance of their attention, but active, enthusiastic engagement by women.

              To put this in more concrete terms, enough men have had success, say, asking a woman out over the app/site’s email system and getting a yes that it comes across as uninterested if you say “Could we talk on the phone first?” Even moreso if, after an initial phone call, you want to have more chitchats on the phone before accepting a date.

              Some men may have a different sense of what constitutes actual interest, and of course it can vary from situation to situation, but generally speaking, the goalpost has moved as far as what men look for as a sign of genuine interest.

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              • SS Says:

                Well said – this was definitely my experience.

                When I first joined I had historically been used to men doing all the legwork so I expected it and acted accordingly. This resulted in men fading after 3-4 dates.

                When I began being a lot more effusive and vocal, I found the men to be significantly more engaged in general, and the fades also stopped.

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              • Lisa Says:

                “With online dating, you have access to a much wider pool of people to date. The end result is that more men have had experiences of not just passive continued acceptance of their attention, but active, enthusiastic engagement by women.”

                Honestly, I’ve found the same thing goes for women, too. I think online dating has empowered both sides and evened the playing field.

                “To put this in more concrete terms, enough men have had success, say, asking a woman out over the app/site’s email system and getting a yes that it comes across as uninterested if you say “Could we talk on the phone first?” Even moreso if, after an initial phone call, you want to have more chitchats on the phone before accepting a date.”

                OMG, no that’s not what I meant!

                IME, men always asked for my number and initiated calls and texts on their own. The advice on the site is to tell them no, you don’t want to converse by phone (or even exchange numbers until right before the date). And I’m saying, if a person’s picker seems off, she might more enthusiastically exchange numbers and welcome or encourage a call. And follow up w/ a few texts here and there until the date (to convey interest and excitement but also to screen out the weirdos).

                No, I have never said anything like, “I’m not sure if I want to go out w/ you; let’s talk on the phone first.”

                That is not what I meant.

                I’d say if a man doesn’t initiate a phone convo or texting first or offer to exchange numbers or whatever, she could still agree to the date but ask for his number without it feeling cold or disinterested.

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          • BTownGirl Says:

            Women too! I had a friend set me up with a guy she went to grad school with. Dude’s office was literally around the corner from where I lived at the time. There were three great bars/restaurants in the one-block stretch separating us. He wanted a phone conversation first. Like…really? No one’s going out of their way here! I can’t.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 10

          • The Original D Says:

            FWIW I do it when asked, but that’s rare.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

          • coffeestop Says:

            I don’t see anything wrong with speaking on the phone once and then if conversation flows setting up a date at the end of the call. My reasoning is if somebody if horrible at conversation you will know right away. I am not attracted to super quiet men who don’t talk much because my ex was like that and I had too many years of long silence. I don’t want to date life of the party man either but I am not driving ( I am thirty minutes outside of a mid sized city so anybody I meet is going to be 30-45 minutes) in to meet somebody who is going to stare at me over coffee or a glass of wine say nothing, that sucks. I will say I filter out guys who say “not much of a talker/kind of shy/man of few words” type stuff.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 4

        • Nicki Says:

          I mentioned above that I haven’t had a ton of bad dating experiences from online. The only time I feel like I had a terrible bad date was a bad date for multiple reasons. One of the reasons (and it wasn’t even his worst quality) was that he really wasn’t a very good conversationalist. After that I would try to have one quick call before meeting, thinking that if someone could chat for 10-20 minutes and it was decent then it would at least mean we could talk if all else failed. But I did cut it off at 20 minutes and tried to make the date happen within 24-48 hours. I don’t think any guy has objected when I’ve said, “I’m getting in the car so can I call you real quick as I can’t type/text.” Then again, I certainly wouldn’t have faulted the guy for saying no either. The call thing wasn’t some big dealbreaker for me.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

        • bbdawg Says:

          I never understood the appeal of phone calls. I mean it is just so much easier to meet for 30 min??? Phone calls are another layer of illusion (as is texting). One thing I think helps screen people is to state what you are looking for in clear terms.

          You have to be pretty firm about that. Avoid ambiguity at all costs and screen out euphemisms for casual sex “not looking for “anything serious right now”/not looking for “labels”/looking for “fun”/just got out of a relationship/”let’s see what happens” etc….

          That will you will screen out the majority of men but at least you won’t waste your time. Ditto for the divorced/married dudes. Having a rigid profile isn’t attractive but asking pointed questions on a message before meeting tends to work.

          Anyway I have found that meeting in person is priceless and the only way to really get a feel for someone.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 6

          • Lisa Says:

            “Anyway I have found that meeting in person is priceless and the only way to really get a feel for someone.”

            Except that isn’t working for the LW, so maybe she should tweak her approach a little.

            “I never understood the appeal of phone calls. I mean it is just so much easier to meet for 30 min???”

            Some ppl put a LOT of effort into preparing for a date. Some ppl have limited time for dates and want to use it wisely. Other times, you meet someone who doesn’t live nearby and you have to factor travelling in.

            It doesn’t seem like this is the LW’s situation but it could be…but I’m a single parent and had VERY little time to date (engaged now). I mean VEEEEERRRRRRRRRRY little time. If I agreed to a date w/ a guy and it was a bust, I was foregoing time w/ another guy I already knew I was somewhat interested in, I was foregoing a date w/ another guy who seemed to have potential, I was not going to the gym, I was not meeting up w/ friends, I was not getting caught up on my work at the office, I was not getting caught up on household chores, I was not getting the pedicure, etc. My free time (when my kids are w/ my ex-husband) is priceless. I love being w/ my kids but I need that me time for adult things and there really are too many adult things to cram into my limited me time. Honestly, if I had let a two time felon w/ a wife at home slip thru the cracks and I wound up blowing my childfree Wednesday night or whatever on him, I would be LIVID!

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            • bbdawg Says:

              You are right, Lisa, it depends on the situation. I always met people within a 15 min walking distance from where I live and I am single/no kids. You are right…if you are a single parent and/or have to drive or commute far to meet someone it’s best to be sure you are not wasting your time.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

        • maria Says:

          why does the conversation always always always turn to “to talk on the phone or to not talk on the phone” here. always! what is up with that? is this a thing? I really don’t care either way. my current bf wanted to talk on the phone a bit and that was fine with me. I don’t care either way. if they want to talk, just talk. I don’t ask to talk on the phone but who gives a flying shit if somebody will feel better after a short conversation on the phone? what is the big deal?
          this woman’s problems go way deeper, like the fact that she seems immature and has horrific taste in men and like Moxie said is shooting way out of her league and is most likely vetting men based solely on looks–height, fashion etc and ends up on these terrible dates. those issues that a lot of people face with dating are far more important than having a passionate 15 reply reply chain about a freaking phone call. jesus christ. it blows my mind that people are so passionate about this. I guess easier to talk about this nonsense than face ones own real problems with dating

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

        • AC Says:

          My experience is that people who actually want to meet people prefer to just meet. Those that require phone conversation and other arduous screening really don’t want to meet anyone. So in short, no self-respecting guys going to endure several rounds of phone conversations.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

          • uesider Says:

            That’s my experience too. They are looking for a reason to disqualify you. Sometimes I “get to” the meeting but it doesn’t work out. Now I just politely fade when they refuse my meeting in favor of a phone call.

            Of course on the other end they see guys not wanting to do the phone call as having something to hide. Meanwhile other women are going out and meeting men.

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          • SS Says:

            “no self-respecting guys going to endure several rounds of phone conversations”

            Men do it to women too.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

  6. Nia Says:

    I agree that if you’re getting nothing but terrible dates, there’s a couple things happening:

    You’re not screening properly.
    There are generally red flags all over the profiles of men who’ve been convicted of crimes, struggle with addiction, have lives that are chaotic and difficult, etc. There’s no hard and fast rule, but men who go into detail about what they *don’t* want (“no drama! no games! no tattoos because that’s gross!”) are trouble.

    You’re giving off a vibe, as other commenters mentioned, that’s “off” or overly sexual in some way. The thing is, a guy talking about sex early on can be handled easily by just changing the subject or a simple “Let’s save that for another time”. Some guys are just clueless or really fixated on something (not getting stuck with a cold fish, for example). They might be a good partner in other ways, and just a poor conversationalist or not a great dater.

    You don’t know what you want so you’re accepting dates with anyone who asks.
    Honestly, that’s the only way you get this spreadsheet like numbers. If you know what you’re looking for, within reason, you won’t even go on dates with those that racked up multiple DUIs, etc.

    You’re focused on the wrong aspects of a man when agreeing to a date.
    Looks are not character. A high powered job is not character. Lots of money and toys is not character. Ability to write in a witty and sharp way is not character. The only way you can judge character is through actions over time.

    When you meet a man or see his profile, look for red flags and make sure he shows character (did he finish college or drop out? does he volunteer? is he generous with his judgements or does he say things like “please take good care of yourself”, and so on.

    Good luck!!

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  7. Mark Says:

    LW;

    After reading this letter I can only think of one word that goes to the core of the issues you raised.

    Perception.

    Specifically your perception of yourself. Sorry, that’s blunt. I know, but it’s the only thing that stands out.

    You mentioned the online/offline encounters.

    On line: At 39 you are likely to encounter a few of those claiming to be divorced but are not. Ditto for those who are married but are looking. In all fairness sometimes you can tell from a profile. Other times you can’t. but you numbers seem high by most measures so I can only conclude that your “picker” is off kilter.

    Off line: Numerous functions of various types. Men chatting you up, texts and the like. I might be wrong, but my impression is that they were not really interested from the get go. Very possibly looking for a quick score or a chance to polish texting skills. If you were out with friends, then they did not want was to come across as total jerks at the time to you or your friends.

    Which brings me back to perception.

    Specifically self perception.

    What is to say what you perceive about yourself vs. what others perceive about you. In large measure the answer lies in you results as you yourself mentioned in your letter.

    Aim lower or work on those qualities that may be shortcomings and you will likely improve your odds.

    Yeah, I may get roasted for these comments, but I’m just calling it as I see it.

    Best of luck and hope things improve.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

  8. Lucy Says:

    When I first started being single again, it was all a bit of fun to me to begin with. I didn’t mind gathering up hilarious stories and meeting obvious no-go dates. I would go on dates with almost anyone in an effort to be open-minded. I think my friends enjoyed it too. Then I suddenly realised that I was just the butt of jokes after being candid with some of the wrong people. I don’t make funny stories or time-wasting dates anymore. I just avoid getting into situations I know won’t work out. Unfortunately it means fewer dates but I’m fed with dating experimentally. I’d rather just meet the right guy.

    What I’m also thinking is that the LW has put herself on a bit of a pedestal. It’s great being confident and I don’t think she should be disheartened because dating is tough…BUT…I just don’t think anyone is so special that they won’t find dating tough sometimes. There can be plenty of people who are wonderful and a real catch who just haven’t found love yet. So being single is nothing to be ashamed of.

    I hasten to add when you reject someone, it doesn’t make you better than them. Hell when I wear make-up and dress up well, I get a fair amount of interest. But when I’m casual and wearing no make-up, interest is minimal. I’m not ugly by any means either. I just don’t expect anything anymore. I can talk to most men easily now because of that. Pointing out these guys’ inadequacies is just the wrong attitude I think.

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    • coffeestop Says:

      Lisa: I also question when we trot out the dating mishaps how great it is to be that negative. I had a crappy date about a month ago that was just awkward and the man over shared and I kind of shut down and then when I was driving home he sent me a text apologizing and I kind of felt bad for him. I am sooooooooo far from perfect, I have said some bone head things on a date. I guess sometimes we mock people to rationalize that it was not “us” but really usually even when the other person is not awesome and you know you aren’t going to see them again being rude or sarcastic at their expense is not great either. I was known among our friends as the being witty and sarcastic when I was married and my ex very much egged me on. I just wonder sometimes if I was an asshole.

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  9. coffeestop Says:

    I am dipping into online dating and I am older than the OP and call me a massively uptight prude but anybody who mentions sex right up front, I don’t even bother meeting them. I like to talk on the phone once or twice and set up a no pressure meet up like grabbing a coffee and going for a walk during the afternoon or during the week. I am in a terrible dating market because I am 50 plus and we aren’t exactly the market catch of the day and I am a flaming liberal in a bible belt city.

    I had a man ask me out recently via FB messenger and because he seemed nice ( I already met him through friends ) we met up and we talked about dating generally not exchanging horror stories but ha ha weird to be at this place at our age and I made the comment that I was old school and preferred a man to phone me for a date. I realized after that I sounded like a total bitch and wanted to kick myself. He did phone me for a date but I realized hey girl you gotta not act like you think you are the Queen. I think it can be a struggle to both maintain some self respect and still be approachable, I have work to do in that area. My piont being dating requires some self awareness and maybe the OP needs to work on that. It might be that she is putting vibes out there that are attracting the wrong people. Maybe the OP is not as fun and pressure free as she thinks. I tend to come off as intense if I don’t know somebody well and it can be very, very, off-putting. I know for a fact I am not a fun and hippy dippy person. OP needs to look in the mirror.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  10. EANx Says:

    There’s one thing all of the OP’s bad dates have in common, her. Something is off.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

  11. maria Says:

    people are coming up with all sorts of nonsense but what moxie says is true, you are probably shooting out of your league, dating guys you know probably wouldn’t be interested in you for a relationship. its really pretty simple. I’d love to hear your long list of requirements for men that you are willing to date because I know you must have them. online dating isn’t anything weird or unique. most single people online date and its the best and easiest way to meet people you’d normally never meet. In all my years of on and off online dating–about 7 or 8 years, I have never encountered anything even closely resembling what you described. 95% or more of my dates didn’t lead to anything more than a date or two, but no horror stories. I am not a model, not super fit or slim, just a normal person but I know my “league” and I know what to look for and what to avoid, and trust me when I say “looks”(height, hair, etc) is probably second or third on my list. that is not to say I want to date trolls but if somebody seems genuine, nice, has common interests, answers the questions to my liking, writes a nice message, then the way they look is secondary. I am in a relationship with somebody I met on okc, there are nice normal men out there you are just ignoring them either to have these stories to tell, or because you are superficial and trying to date men who have a lot of options.

    I also have to question a grown woman who is going on a dating site complaining about a mans micro penis. that’s childish and rude. I think you are trying to be funny but you aren’t. you can blame these men all you want, but YOU are the one dating them out of all the people in your city/state, and your experiences aren’t really universal. most people just go on dates with normal people.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 2

  12. Maria Says:

    I think LW is not selective enough. She says ‘most of them tried talking sex before we even met’. This is the biggest clue in it all. As one of the commenters said ‘why did you still go on a date with them?’

    If she is looking for more than just sex (and she clearly is) her response should have been unmatch/block immediately, no prior warning or explanation necessary.

    I am not sure why she went on dates with them. Did she listen to their reasoning and thought ‘ok fair enough’ when it was actually total bs? It’s better not to engage in any discussions as a) you waste your time b) people can come up with all sorts of crap to justify themselves or even promise you not to say things like that again.

    But once should be enough, they showed their intentions and if this does not suit you, just move on. It’s all good to present yourself as a helpless victim but then you are stuck in this situation. This is not to suggest that she is responsible for other people actions but she is responsible of how much contact she allows with them.

    I think she has issues with boundaries. She is not self aware enough of her boundaries, as in being aware of what she is comfortable with and not. If she does recognise her emotional boundaries are being crossed, for some reason she chooses not to act on it by not stopping to communicate.

    She may also desperately want to be in demand and that stops her from being more selective. When we desperately want something, our judgement may become clouded and we fall into denial.

    Or another common mistake women make, they think they can change a guy, his personality, his intentions. You can’t. Get over yourself. Recognise your limitations. You are not some fairy that he will magically fall in love with and turn into your perfect man by the end of date 1 or date 100 or whatever.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  13. Matt Says:

    Online dating is hard, and the reason has little to do with who’s using it. The sites are shady as heck, particularly the most popular one, OkCupid, and OkCupid is both open and proud about this. They have freely admitting to their clientele, in the name of “science” mind you. Many of the other popular sites are owned by the same conglomerate as OkCupid, so you’re likely not getting any different treatment. The biggest outside competitor is eHarmony, which is an elitist tool to (probably) facilitate the creation of an uber race of bland hetero-normative Stepford WASP people.

    Both OkCupid and eHarmony are fully loathsome, they’re just loathsome in entirely different ways.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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