Beware The Date Who Makes You Pay For Everything

man-paying-for-date1

 

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Sally
:
Comment: So recently I started talking to this guy I had met thru social media. When we first met he would text me one day then not reply for days. I thought that was strange so finally he admitted to me that he had a girlfriend but it wasnt working out. When we finally met in person he explained she broke up with him but he was ready to move on. I took him out several times, paid for EVERYTHING, every time. Took him to work & ect. I even helped buy him a new phone.  I thought everything was okay. The more i spoke to him the more distant he became. I went to his parents house were he lives to see him. He was rude from the minute i walked in. We went to his room  and i felt the tension and uncomfortable anger. He wanted to have sex with me but i declined . He got mad kicked me out and then texted me cursing me out saying he never wanted me  he loves his ex  that  i have issues and that he never wants to see or hear from me again and that he never really wanted to have sex with
me. I was just wondering were did i go wrong ?
Age: 24
City: Miami
State: Fl

 

Well, the first mistake you made was continuing to communicate with a guy once he told you he had a girlfriend. That was the first sign that this guy wasn’t terribly honorable.

Based on the details in your letter, I don’t think you did anything wrong, per se. You got involved with a guy who had a girlfriend and he fed you some line about things weren’t working or how he wasn’t happy or whatever and you believed him. It happens.  It doesn’t sound like this guy had any real intentions toward you other than to use you. That’s probably why his ex dumped him. I’ll be he pulled the same crap with her.  You didn’t give the baby what he wanted so now he’s going to sit in the middle of then floor and kick his feet and cry. Good. Let him. I hope he turns blue.

For future reference DO NOT – under any circumstances – stay with a guy who lets you pay for everything. That works both ways, mind you. Nobody should stick around and continue to date a person who does not in any way contribute financially. I don’t care what reasoning they give, either.

Usually he pays for everything until we’re exclusive.

Wrong.

Men have been paying for everything for years! Why shouldn’t a woman have to do it?

Wrong.

Because, wage gap!! Because, feminism!!!

So fucking wrong.

You want to let one, maybe two, dates go where he or she pays the way? Um, okay. That’s still not ideal, but whatever. But beyond that? If they aren’t offering to help cover expenses by the third or fourth date, kick that leech to the curb.

No person with an ounce of character lets someone chauffeur them around and buy them things like this. This guy was a spoiled baby who still lived with Mommy and Daddy who expected the world to carry him like his parents have.

I’m sure there will be people here who try to coach you on developing better self-esteem. They’re not wrong. Don’t ever, ever, ever stay in a situation where you’re not being respected. This guy did not appreciate what you were doing for him. In fact, he didn’t care about you at all. Want to know the biggest clue that leads me to that assumption? He told you he had a girlfriend. That’s not honesty that should be rewarded. If he truly cared, he would have at least tried to keep that information from you.

This guy saw one gravy train coming to an end and was setting up his next one by getting with you.  Simple as that.

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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16 Responses to “Beware The Date Who Makes You Pay For Everything”

  1. Alexa Says:

    Seems like you were trying to be everything to him, and you need to reevaluate and establish better boundaries. Paying for someone’s phone and buying him everything pretty much puts you in the position of a parent. Do you want a child or a partner?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 0

    • SS Says:

      I would be fascinated to know why she elected to pay for everything.

      It’s either generic low self esteem, or I wonder if he fed her BS along the lines of either “my ex paid for nothing (that b*tch)” or “my ex paid for everything” so that she felt like she had to compete?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

      • fuzzilla Says:

        My theory is that he wasn’t really interested and she convinced herself that placing a “use me” sign on her back and him going along with that for a bit was a relationship.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

  2. fuzzilla Says:

    **I was just wondering were did i go wrong ?**

    Choosing him.

    To echo a comment from a previous post, he must be really, really, ridiculously good looking for OP to put up with all these obvious red flags. Like Moxie said, she should’ve been gone at the “he admitted to me that he had a girlfriend but it wasnt working out” stage.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

  3. SS Says:

    This just in: in a shocking new development, man who treats girlfriend like crap… treats other woman like crap. Next up, bears and where they poop…

    It will never cease to amaze me that some people think scumbags will treat THEM better than an ex/current partner even though in talking with the new person whilst in a relationship, they have by definition *already* treated the new person like crap.

    Character is NOT situational. OP: in future when you see anyone treat someone else badly, WALK AWAY. This was *always* going to end badly because you engaged with a snake.

    Get some self esteem, some boundaries, and learn the lesson for next time.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 0

    • fuzzilla Says:

      He’s obviously a shitbag, but she’s the one writing in, wondering what she should do differently in the future, so…

      It kinda seems like he was never really interested and that she was the engine driving this relationship the whole time. Kind of having a relationship *at* him. He’d text occasionally and she kept pursing him and he thought, “Well, okay, if she wants to pay for everything and sleep with me and not expect anything in return…”

      Without getting into a lengthy aside, I was in a somewhat similar situation in the past and my therapist said, “Everything is great in this relationship as long as you do all the work. The minute you ask him to carry his own weight – and not even a lot of weight, just like, an ounce – everything goes to shit.”

      So, in the future, look for signs of mutual interest and effort – and yes, offering to pay for/contribute to dates is one indication, as is calling you of his own accord, introducing you to friends, etc.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

  4. Nia Says:

    Plus, if you are paying for things like a new phone and driving them around early in the relationship, before any kind of commitment has been made, that’s just a terrible idea. It sends a message that you feel you have to “buy” someone’s love and fidelity, and that’s just tragic.

    It’s one thing to offer to cover tickets to a show that was your idea, or to make a gift, say, if their birthday falls in the first few weeks of dating.

    I know sometimes the temptation is to become “indispensable” to the person so they’ll HAVE to love you, but girl, love yourself more. A man who not only can’t pay for himself but isn’t giving you anything in return is…a no go.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0

  5. Donnie K Says:

    I don’t understand why the LW was ever interested in the guy in the first place. He sounds like a disingenuous asshat who brings nothing to the table.

    Live and learn I guess.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

  6. Ben Iyyar Says:

    I have financially “helped out” some of the women I was dating, and I did not feel as if I was being abused or taken. Mostly I got paid back, and sometimes not, and to be fair, I later married a woman I had “helped out” with her rent for a couple of months. But the whole “helping out” business is so different in a bad way for a woman! I believe that most men see a woman who pays their way as a pushover, a sucker, someone to be taken advantage of. I am also willing to bet that this lady picks up the tabs routinely for her “friends”who probably only hang out with her for the free ride! I know from personal experience that life without a special someone, an intimate partner, or even close friends, is a painful life. A single mother, an older divorced or just single middle aged woman, and some men as well, feel that the only way to get love or companionship is to buy it. I cannot imagine it ever works, all you get are freeloading parasites!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 8

  7. Maria Says:

    I find this letter interesting because to me it also speaks of a bigger issue how young women (and men) are taught nothing by their parents or at school about what healthy boundaries are and how to have successful relationships.

    You are lucky if you have a parent that can teach you that. And it’s not that our parents neglect us, dating changed a lot in the last decades, the parents themselves often have no clue on how to provide guidance on dating and relationships. Or because the importance of this has never been pressed upon them, they do not see it something that need to be taught to their children.

    But this is such an important aspect of our lives. It directly affects our well being, it can change our destinys.
    Add living in an objectifying mysoginic culture to lack of guidance in dating what do you get? Young women who are traumatised and retraumatised by manipulative men, through unhealthy relationships and not knowing how to put boundaries in place.
    Are commenters noticing how young LW is? A lot of the advice that’s given here has been learned through therapy and painful mistakes too. I can totally relate to this letter. I may not have made exact same mistakes but I was just as ignorant.

    What struck me about this letter is how she is not aware of the very basic standards of how you should be treated. I can not blame her for that. At that age you still have so much learning to do about the relationships. You have nowhere to go to learn it. Sex ed at school does not even begin to cover it.

    The letter makes me a bit sad too. You are often reminded that you are fertile for only so many years, you are in demand only until a certain age. After that it gets difficult to find a partner. As a single woman you will often find yourself worse off financially than a woman with a partner or a single man. The society will look down on you and wonder what is wrong with you. And yet the same society will not teach young women about dating and boundaries, and they will waste years and years of their valuable short fertile time struggling to learn how to free themselves from unfulfilling harmful relationships.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 5

    • Lucy Says:

      I like your thoughtful comment. I completely agree. I don’t go to my parents about relationships because it’s got to the point now where I know more than them about the dating side of things.

      On education, I think it is very important to especially educate girls on healthy boundaries. I think fathers play a really important role in setting an example for their daughters of what they they should expect from men. Of course I had sex education at school, but not education on boundaries and how to hold my own. This is something I had to learn all by myself. Emotional intelligence skills are so important in life and yet they are so under taught. I’m a Girl guiding leader and the girls I work with are 5-7 years so old. I try to help them with their confidence because I hope it will help them later on.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

      • Maria Says:

        Thank you Lucy. I think it’s fantastic that you are teaching them about confidence. They may not realise it now but having guidance from someone with such awareness is priceless. Even if times change, this will always be a great help to them in building a happy life for themselves. We often don’t realise how much we’ve learned from our own mistakes and how much we can pass on to a younger generation of women. The key to it, as you rightly put it, is being aware of how important emotional intelligence is.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  8. Jerry Says:

    I find the double standard quite interesting. As a man is typically expected to pay for 100% of the dating and is mocked and derided for not being “a real man” unless he pays all the time.

    Though I am happy to see the post call out the usual BS lies that go along with defending that overwhelmingly common approach.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 6

    • Lucy Says:

      The way I see it is it’s not gender bias, but part of the polite necessities of life. It’s more a symbolic gesture to show that you appreciate someone’s presence. For instance, when you ask someone for a favour and you say “I know you are busy but…”, you are acknowledging that their time is valuable. If a man asked me out for coffee and then didn’t want to pay, it would put me off. Why? Well it should be reciprocal. Someone is being generous with their time, and you are acknowledging it by paying for a little two quid coffee.

      To let someone pay all the time and go over the top with it would be exploiting them for your advantage. This affects both men and women. So both people should pitch in after a while. Also a Moxie pointed out, it’s a self-esteem issue too. There are also men like the LW who get taken advantage of by the opposite sex who lap up their attention but don’t give much back. No one should feel that who they aren’t good enough and that they need to prove themselves to a man or woman by paying for a lot of things. It also encourages disrespect as they sense that your behaviour is too approval-seeking.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

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