Not a Booty Call, Not Yet a Wife – Where’s The Middle Ground?

 

Made-Of-100--Girlfriend-Material

Name: Christye
Comment: 43, single white female. 5’5″, 180, big chest and behind. Blue eyes, long black hair. Attractive. Smart.Confident.
So I have been single for about ten years. Date but nothing that has even come close to looking like a relationship or even the possibility of becoming one. Almost seems I’m the girl before they find their ‘forever after’. Attractive but not gorgeous, good mom but not baby momma potential, nice but not wifey material, smart but not smart enough?? I always thought there were booty calls or long-term possibilities. But is there that middle woman? Or is it possible that I’m dating outside my league when it comes to the men I go after? I do tend to be picky in regards to education, looks, etc.
Age: 43
City: Gilbert
State: AZ

I’m sure some of the men will hop on your body type and say that plays a part in your experience. Which it does, but not to the extent those guys think. You and I sound like we’re similarly built, though I’m a few inches taller. We are not everybody’s cup of tea.  But we do have an audience. Of course, we had a wider one at 33 than we did at 43. That’s just how it goes. You are in what I call The Black Hole of dating. You’re too old for the late thirties to mid forties guy and too young for guys in their mid-fifties. Women like us are not in high demand, which makes online dating and dating in general that much more frustrating. It’s a bitch, but it can exponentially be improved if you start looking at men in their late forties to early fifties.

It’s fine to be selective about certain criteria as long as you can afford to be. If you’re picky about looks then you need to be honest with yourself about what you can reasonably pull. I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it again: the people who find themselves constantly having to chase people are usually the ones batting out of their league. So if you often find yourself wondering if a guy is interested or just after sex or having to always make the first move, then you’re officially fighting out of your weight class. People rarely succeed that way.

The next issue that sticks out to me is that it sounds like guys are dating you briefly and then moving on to someone to whom they commit. If that happens a lot, or has happened frequently, then that’s something to examine. You say you’re not wifey material, but what does that mean? Are you girlfriend material? That’s the middle ground you seek. That’s what you have to ask yourself. Are men seeing you as girlfriend material? Or are you presenting yourself as something else, consciously or unconsciously? If you’re giving guys the impression that you’re open to something casual but aren’t, or only interested in sex, or otherwise coming off too nonchalant about dating, then they’re going to develop a certain impression. Those aren’t the women guys commit to. Those are the women guys date for a time and then move on from eventually. You become a pit stop.

I state very clearly in my profiles on OKCupid and Tinder that I am not on the marriage or baby track. I also check of the “doesn’t want any” option when it comes to kids. To a lot of men, I’m perceived as not looking for anything serious. That wasn’t my intention when I constructed my profile, but that’s the impression some men may get nonetheless.  Complicating matters is that I give off a sexy vibe simply because of my body type and photos. I don’t have a problem showing off my body. I know that a lot of men will view my profile and assume I’m just looking for something casual. If I cared more I’d probably try to fix that, but I don’t.  Sorry I like my curves. Sorry I like sex. Sorry I’m not looking to be a step-mom to your kids or looking for the white picket fence.  Apologies if I’m content staying home and reading instead of going out with someone I’m “meh” about.  None of that means I’m not a long-term possibility, but to many guys looking for that I am a liability. This is why I’m probably not considered “wife/girlfriend material.” But, see, I know this. I am aware of this. A lot of men and women really truly are not cognizant of the fact that they present themselves in a way that might not be very appealing to their target market.

I always thought there were booty calls or long-term possibilities. But is there that middle woman?

Yes.  She’s the woman you described in your letter, the woman you say you’re frequently mistaken for. Do you not realize that? It sounds like you’re ambivalent about serious commitment but still confused and maybe a little bit hurt when guys move on from you and find someone and get serious with them. Those two things don’t align.

Your objective is to decide what it is that you actually want and make sure your behavior and presentation is aligned with that goal. Do you want a relationship? Then you need to act like it.  It means you have to make it clear – both online and off – that you are open to developing something substantive. It means not serial dating or going out with multiple guys a week. It requires devoting time and effort to one or two qualified candidates and seeing where things go.

If you’re looking for something short term, well, then I would say keep doing what you’re doing.

 

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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19 Responses to “Not a Booty Call, Not Yet a Wife – Where’s The Middle Ground?”

  1. Alexa Says:

    I can’t tell what you are looking for based on what you wrote, so I will guess that you are portraying yourself in the same way, and this is why you are involved in ambiguous relationships.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 11

    • fuzzilla Says:

      It seems like the whole framing of the question is about wondering why she isn’t good enough, and she also wonders in her letter if she’s shooting out of her league…which make me think she is.

      She didn’t bring up specific examples, but she said this cycle of being dumped for future wifey after a few months has been going on for 10 years. I’m sure in those 10 years there were plenty of guys she liked more on paper than in reality (more attracted to his status than how he treats her/makes her feel), a lot of ignoring her own needs and making excuses for guys who couldn’t make it to her sister’s wedding or call when they said they would, etc.

      Plus dating just sucks and takes patience no matter how good your attitude is. It’ll probably be smoother if you stop asking why you aren’t what some guy wants and start asking why you put up with guys who don’t give you what you want.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

      • Alexa Says:

        It might be too close of a read I’m doing, but to lead with the fact that she has a big chest and a big butt has me thinking she might be putting a little too much emphasis on these attributes for herself and others.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 5

        • fuzzilla Says:

          Could be. I read it as apologizing for not being skinny rather than bragging (“my weight goes to ALL THE RIGHT PLACES, okay?”). Providing a specific number of what she weighs seemed kind of insecure and defensive. A guy either likes curvy gals or doesn’t, you don’t need to plead your case so hard.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

  2. Nia Says:

    I think the biggest thing about “girlfriend” or “wife” material is that those women are…not AS picky about their standards as “permanent date” women are. This is not bad!! Those women have just prioritized being in a relationship and have accepted that if they want to be a girlfriend or wife, some compromise about some things (education level, looks, kids, prestige job, location, age, etc) has to happen.

    Women who are okay with men as they are give off a warm, accepting vibe that is attractive to your ‘average guy’ (if there is such a creature!). Men feel safe with them. They know that they’re going to be cherished and cared for, while being gently challenged. After 10 years of being single and watching as guy after guy left me and shacked up with the very next woman (I can name names!) I started to look at myself.

    I changed some priorities and “deal breakers” (kids and being divorced, as well as college education level) and I re-evaluated some of the “rules” i had for dating, and I am now engaged to a very loving man.
    It’s not easy but I had to change myself (not for a guy, just for me) and decide that, yep, I wanted to be wife material…for the right guy.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 45 Thumb down 8

    • BostonRobin Says:

      Agreed. People who want to be in a relationship make it easy to be in a relationship with them. This is not to say that you have to put up with poor behavior! But if you are easy going and happy with yourself, you will eventually meet someone like that to be with. No more “permanent dates,” which I find exhausting. I actually look forward to the quiet evenings at home that come with a relationship. Some people don’t, so they get these short term omg-exciting situationships that go nowhere (the “permanent date”). Meanwhile, they’re left shaking their heads over their ex who marries the very next person who comes along.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 1

  3. bbdawg Says:

    Seriously you have to state what you are looking for on your profile. After reading tons of online dating sites you begin to feel like you can’t actually be “picky” and close off your options by stating that you are looking for a serious relationship, “because it scares men off” but I feel like you have to just say it outright and stick to the program.

    The reality is if you do that you will get a lot less attention **and you have to be ok with that** but at least you’re not wasting your time. If you are serious about looking for a relationship the main thing is not wasting your time with people who are not looking for the same thing you are looking for.

    Something about the way the OP describes herself “big boobs and butt” makes me think that the identifies with her appearance too much and therefore only connects with people to whom all they care about is her body/appearance. Fair enough if you are looking for something casual, but relationships have to be based on compatibility and common ground, not just looks. And that’s up to the OP to draw the boundaries and articulate what she is looking for in a partner.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 10

  4. Biggie Says:

    Not wife material means:

    1) You’re a shrill harpy;
    2) You’re not nurturing;
    3) You’re too career focused;
    4) You don’t want kids;
    5) You’ve been with too many men and everyone knows it; or,
    6) You’re terrible in bed.

    With discriminating men, one of these is a dealbreaker. With lesser beta males, you could probably get away with up to 4 or 5 of them.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 44

    • SS Says:

      So does that mean, not husband material means:

      1) You’re an arrogant jerk
      2) You’re wussy
      3) You’re not successful enough
      4) You wouldn’t make a good father
      5) You’ve been with too many or too few women
      6) You’re terrible in bed

      I’ve heard any man under 6’2″ and earning less than $250k a year is considered a beta.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 40 Thumb down 4

      • fuzzilla Says:

        Also apparently guys who don’t want kids don’t exist.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 4

      • JayD Says:

        “I’ve heard any man under 6’2″ and earning less than $250k a year is considered a beta.”

        The thing with this kind of troll-counter-troll comments is you are likely insulting the very same men you date.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 13

        • SS Says:

          The men I date are on ATWYS? Small world.

          And I had hoped that it was patently obvious that statement is not something I remotely believe…. but I thought to put “I’m being sarcastic” after it would have ruined the delivery somewhat.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      • Biggie Says:

        I’d agree with these except 1) being an arrogant jerk and 5a) You’ve been with too many women.

        Chicks love arrogant jerks and guys who know what they’re doing. These aren’t disqualifiers.

        Also, it seems I hurt a lot of ya’lls feelings with my first post. The truth does that.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

    • SS Says:

      So does that mean, not husband material means:

      1) You’re an arrogant jerk
      2) You’re wussy
      3) You’re not successful enough
      4) You wouldn’t make a good father
      5) You’ve been with too many or too few women
      6) You’re terrible in bed

      I’ve heard any man under 6’2″ and earning less than $250k a year is considered a beta.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

  5. Francesca Says:

    I just wanted to say how great it is to find someone who is so open and empowering about some not very popular life choices for women. :)

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  6. Bill Says:

    Christye, guys have it “easy” when it comes to shooting outside of our league, also known as being too picky. When we do that, our messages are ignored and our date requests are rejected. We figure it out pretty quickly by our lack of sex life and “aim lower”.

    It is more complicated for women. Why? Many women have a misplaced notion of what sex means in dating and because guys choose differently than women do. Guys will booty-call (have sex with) women they wouldn’t date on a regular basis. They will regularly or off-and-on date (as long as there is sex) women that they wouldn’t have an exclusive relationship with. And, so forth…

    In general, women tend to want to invest their time in guys who early on exhibit long term potential. Men, on the other hand, base their choices and effort on how badly they want to have sex with a woman and, secondarily, how much they enjoy spending time with the woman when they aren’t having sex. If a woman isn’t tops in both categories relative to the other women the guy “has a chance with”, he isn’t going to commit to an exclusive relationship. That doesn’t stop him from wanting to have and seeking sex.

    The results you have seen over the last 10 years are the results of being too picky for what you offer in exchange. Ouch! The guys you are willing to date will have sex with you for awhile, but will not regularly date or have a relationship with you. The dating world is a cruel and harshly competitive “marketplace”. Your standards are so high that you are excluding guys who might appreciate you as relationship “material” from your dating pool. You must either aim lower/older or improve yourself so that your “league” rises or, realistically, some combination or the two.

    Everything Moxie says is spot on, except the weight part. 180 lbs at 5’5″ (BMI 30) activity level unknown is NOT the same as someone at 5’8″ (BMI 27) who is active and fit. Fair or not, there is a big difference in body attractiveness between the two, male or female.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

    • SS Says:

      “180 lbs at 5’5″ (BMI 30) activity level unknown is NOT the same as someone at 5’8″ (BMI 27) who is active and fit.”

      Many years ago I went through a phase of being a complete gym bunny. I went as often as I could, but generally no less than 3 to 4 times a week.

      My weight remained exactly the same as it had been pre-gym days – but I dropped 2 dress sizes.

      From that, and similar experiences of friends etc, I determined that the number on a scale is not always the best indicator of someone’s size. And definitely not their physique.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  7. Bill Says:

    SS, very true! Bodies of the same height and weight can look very different. But, three inches shorter than toned and fit, at the same weight, barring regular heavy weight lifting, normally doesn’t work out well.

    http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/heightweight.html

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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