Dater X: If You Hate Dating So Much Don’t Write A Dating Column

October 6th, 2015

Dater X, NEW!

New Dater X post.

The abbreviated version would be no different than reading the full post. She fell down and went boom playing softball and got bruises, then The Big Easy allegedly sent her a text to ask if she wanted back the bong she left at his place. The End.

Immediately after the collision, I felt alright (and of course, my teammates rallied around me), but I spent the next day nursing what I’m pretty sure was my first-ever concussion along with an assortment of colorful contusions, most notably on my thigh and chin… And of course, who is possibly going to be interested in a casual cup of coffee with a Tinder match boasting bruises over most of her body, including her face? I can’t even conceive of how I might arrange a little quality time with BB King. I’m too sore for any possible position.

This is just another excuse for why she’s not dating. First her Tinder broke for  a month. Now she apparently is covered with bruises from a fall during softball and can’t go on a date. I will once more harken back to my days playing softball and instances where I took line drives to the face and slammed into basemen and say..uh, bullshit.  Unless she was T-Boned by a 14 wheeler that was plowing down the baseline in her direction, at best she got a couple scrapes and was sore for a day. She doesn’t want to date or isn’t getting any responses. Period. End of sentence.  Please stop with all this manufactured nothing drama.

In the hasty division of our belongings, it turns out that I left a personal item of some sentimental value in his apartment, and during one of our final conversations, he’d told me that he liked it and planned to keep it. I thought that was awfully presumptuous of him, but having just lost a pet and a relationship, I figured, “what’s one more thing?” and didn’t press the issue.

First, who the fuck travels with their bong anywhere? Second, just stick it in the mail and be done with it.

I want to see him. I miss him. But it’s impossible for me to imagine that either of us is willing to give enough ground for us to ever work out as a couple in the long run. I’m mentally preparing for a thousand conversations, and we might not have any of them. It’s exhausting (and I’m pretty sure it’s aggravating these pesky concussion symptoms).

Didn’t she just say last week that she thought he was creepy? Am I the only one thinking this the bong thing (as well as BBKing) is all just made up because she needs to have something to write about?

Speaking of BBKing, no follow up on him and their sexy texting sexy time escapades because, as is the case with this snoozefest, she doesn’t bother writing about the stuff people actually want to hear about. Instead she drones on and on about softball and her sads.

This girl so very clearly does not want a relationship and is ambivalent about dating. She’s been writing in circles for weeks now with no clear direction or focus.I don’t know what her issues are or from where they stem, but I do feel comfortable saying she is the absolutely last person who should be writing a dating column.

Once more with feeling:

 

 

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39 Responses to “Dater X: If You Hate Dating So Much Don’t Write A Dating Column”

  1. BTownGirl Says:

    They should just call this column “Not Tonight, I Have A Headache”. Seriously, during a cheerleading practice I was once dropped from well over five feet in the air and landed head first, followed by the entire left side of my body…I was fine within two days. I think the bong is fishy, but I get the sense that BB King is real – specifically because she referred to him in an earlier column as a hot banker who “slummed it” with her one summer. Which just screams, “What I really want in my life is a viable relationship!” I don’t think I can do it next week, when she’ll turn giving the uh-lleged bong back into a nine-part soliloquy called “Having A Boyfriend Had Me So High”.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 4

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    • SS Says:

      I can’t believe she went from thinking TBE was creepy and realizing with the help of her friends that it was “all his fault”… and now she’s talking about potentially getting back together with him?!!!

      Which, yet again, is an example of how she blows up a tiny interaction into something allegedly meaningful.

      Perhaps the guy JUST wants to give her the oh-so-sentimental-bong back. Smh.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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      • SS Says:

        And don’t even get me started on the “I might have a concussion but I might not but I might.” Ugh.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        Assuming the bong story is actually the truth, I’ll buy that he likes toying with her – remember, he left her hanging knowing full well he was going to break up with her. Of course, this again assumes all of that was the truth, so there’s that. If anyone’s nervous about carrying it around/mailing it, arrange a time for him to drop it off and have him leave it in an envelope on her front stoop. Also, can we agree that the dumper should be the one to go out of their way to return things? Etiquette, for chrissakes.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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    • KK Says:

      Yeah. I had a bad accident that resulted in a broken hand, and two lost teeth. Minor, minor concussion. I was fine (well. my head) by the end of the next day. Granted, maybe she was hit in a part of the head that has resulted in a severe concussion.

      I understand what Dater X is doing. You go through cycles. “I hate this guy. What did I see in him?” And the next day, “I miiiiiiss him.”

      This article has a gif from the greatest movie about such things. I mean, let’s not forget Clueless, “If I’m too good for him, then why aren’t I with him?”

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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    • Lisa Says:

      I’m assuming you were dropped as a cheerleader at age 15-17, no? You had rubber bones then. Try it again at 35-45, which is more relatable to Moxie’s age and/or DX’s age.

      Moxie, why are you so focused on Dater X’s posts? There are a bazillion sites that have funny, crazy, unstable stories about failed dates. IMHO, your topics are more interesting/revealing/deep/insightful than Dater X’s boring and fake stories about her pretend ‘love’ interests. And non-recovery from non-love interest.

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      • ATWYSingle Says:

        I’m a writer. I like writing. I like following stories and arcs. That’s why I write about Dater X.

        Are the 5 other posts I publish a week not entertaining enough for you?

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        I’m pretty sure my head wasn’t rubber, trust me!

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2

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  2. D. Says:

    At this point, why even run the column at all?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  3. Greg Figueroa Says:

    She should just buy another BONG! The village has shops that sell them, but this is an attention ploy. Tell him to keep it or throw it out. Is she really going to go back for a bong? Next week, she’s going to fret and dance around about picking up a toothbrush. So basic.

    She should put up her grocery list because she writing about nothing. This is pretty much a mad rambling journal entry for someone who acts much younger than being in their 30s.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      It makes zero sense, because she was never all that into the guy and now we’re in hysterics and worrying how to retrieve a bong. I honestly need a minute.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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      • D. Says:

        Eh. To the extent it’s worth analyzing her behavior at all, I think you could fit all of this into the context of her just wanting A Boyfriend (whether she’s capable of maintaining a real relationship is another matter entirely).

        It’s why she went for a guy who gave her the experience of being able to live out her mental Polaroids for What A Relationship Looks Like, as well as why she keeps looking at FWBs and saying “I know he just a FWB, but ooh what if he’s more than just a FWB?!”

        Either that, or she just takes the crumbs of her otherwise dreadfully dull life and blows them up into Important Things because she needs to write about something. Although if this week’s column is any indication, even that’s becoming too much for her.

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  4. natalie Says:

    Who the heck still keeps or cares about a bong in their 30s? So immature.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

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    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      It’s been with her for 10 years.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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    • E-B Says:

      I bet she really left something ordinary over there, but she thought that saying it was a bong would make her seem cooler and edgier. THAT is what is really immature about it!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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      • D. Says:

        Also the fact that she wouldn’t just say what the fuck it actually was. Bong? Pipe? Roach clip? Just say it. It’s like the thing with her “pet.” Just fucking say what it is. There’s zero reason to inject this element of ambiguity. You’re not preserving your identity. You’re not protecting yourself from authorities. You’re just being vague and “mysterious” for no reason except, maybe, in some failed attempt to inject intrigue into an otherwise boring tale.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  5. Nicki Says:

    I just have nothing. I had such high hopes for 3.0 when she began and this has been such a disappointment.

    “TBE is amazing and my friends say he’s part of the family… No, he’s creepy and my friends say our breakup is all his fault… But I miss him and he has my bong!!!” Wha?!?!? I just don’t even know what to say.

    You’re right. No point having a Dater X who doesn’t like dating. I think she’d rather write a column about softball.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      Do softball leagues last this long? I figure things would wrap up by the end of August. Let’s say this is a rag tag team of friends playing softball, who really would show up every single week since Spring like this is competitive. Even Improv classes don’t last this long.

      She doesn’t talk about the cute guys should would meet having drinks with friends. . .softball or not. She doesn’t talk about the guys at work. Her days are basically softball and the column. She doesn’t even talk about the texts she gets from all these different suitors. She isn’t even ambivalently curious about online dating (I don’t want to do online dating, but I will anyway for attention, something to write about, see what’s out there).

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  6. Yvonne Says:

    A bong from her college days is an item of “some sentimental value”?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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    • D. Says:

      Hey, that bong really tied her room together.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        Ohmygod, I’m an interior designer and I don’t know why I didn’t think of that!! Maybe Restoration Hardware will come out with hand-distressed bongs that look like someone’s ex left them in the rain for a month and cost $2800 ;)

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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      • BostonRobin Says:

        PLOT TWIST: Maybe TBE peed in it to send a message. Stay tuned…

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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  7. Alexa Says:

    It seems like the Golden Age of dating blogs has passed, never to return.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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  8. Cooldude Says:

    None of this would be all that troubling if the author wasn’t in her goddamn THIRTIES. Seriously, it’s fine to be single at that age but the perspective she has is so incredibly limited. I feel like reading the post-college life dating world of a 22-year-old.

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  9. Astrid Says:

    It does seem like she wants “a boyfriend”. It appears that since she doesn’t have a lot of introspection about her choices, her go-nowhere scenarios with men and her inconsistency, she may not realize that she will always end up in these nothing situations. I think she spends a great deal of time ruminating over every interaction with every one of these men, even though the column would suggest a meh or flippant attitude when she drops talking about someone totally. And yes, I’m sure her online dating life is completely barren, or there’d be dates to talk about rather than softball. The major issue with her is just good old fashioned fear of rejection, I can relate. If so, though, you can’t really write about dating if you’re be too fearful to actually do it.

    And this probably isn’t fair, but I believe she initiated the contact about her bong. I could easily see this guy not giving a fuck about that because he’s not even interested enough to creep around. I feel like her friends telling her he’d contact her set that whole story up for this column.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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  10. Selena Says:

    I find it interesting that she was so insistent on keeping her friendship with El Guapo, but post-breakup with TBE she never mentions him again.

    I can’t relate to sentimental attachment to a “piece” as she calls it. Why not just let the guy keep it rather than agonize over the logistics of getting it back?

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      A bong does seem a weird thing to travel with in the first place. It’s not like you can slip it in your pocket. Put it in a big satchel and it’d get jostled around on NYC subways and whatnot.

      Anyway, it’s probably more an excuse to keep in contact with him than “sentiment.”

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Actually, she never said bong, she said “piece for smoking things other than tobacco,” so it could be a small pipe (difference being, one is roughly the size of a microscope, and one could easily slip into a pocket or small purse). But anyway. If I really didn’t want to see an ex- I’d write off small personal items; I doubt I’d be packing family heirlooms along with my toothbrush.

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  11. Biggie Says:

    How old is she again? She sounds so very immature.

    And bongs? That’s for college kids.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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  12. maria Says:

    again, this whole “i wish i had a boyfriend” thing just further proves she was with big easy to fill a boyfriend void. its so easy to get into that thinking but i think its dangerous. she needs to stop fixating on “needing a boyfriend” and try to deal with life on her own. whenever i get into that cycle of “i wish i had a boyfriend to kill bugs and watch movies with” i tell myself to stop. you need the RIGHT person in your life and rushing to fill that void with the first warm body that comes around won’t help your situation at all. a grown woman shouldn’t be mourning a strange 2 month relationship this hard. i was with my first love for 3 months when i was 20 and it was crazy and passionate and i was young and i was devastated. i know better now. you cry, you feel sorry for yourself and you move on, reminding yourself that this was not the right person and he brought more aggravation than anything else. she needs to get a bottle of bug spray and do things that fulfill her and make her happy. and if she wants, she should start dating. I also think this particular dater x would benefit from some therapy to talk about things going on in her life and to go from needing a boyfriend to wanting to meet somebody, when she is ready.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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