Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Xiena
Comment: Why don’t men contact women on line?
Or maybe it’s just me? I’m a 37 year old attractive (so I’ve been told) African-Canadian female. I use Match.com as it’s the more “reputable” dating site out there. Thus far I’ve been on it off and on for about a year, though more times than not, I’m not getting the responses I would like. I have an upbeat profile full of cute and various pics of me, articulate, playful, deep insights, leaving out my story of travels, education etc as I’ve been told by countless self-help sites/men/women “An accomplished woman is a single woman”….and I’ve put what I’m looking for. I set my age range for 32-43, yet I mainly receive msg’s from men in their 50’s, or in their late 20’s. I seem invisible to guys my own age. I was told (by more than one guy) that guys my age only want younger girls to “buy more time to have kids with” and otherwise guys don’t tend to date Afro-Canadian girls unless it’s for a fetish etc. I date all races so….
I just need some Real, honest opinions here. I never thought I would be entering “Spinsterville at 37″ but here lies an truth? Or maybe it’s just Canadian men? I hate to throw my Canadian guys under the bus…but just trying to make sense of it.
The first thing to realize is that 90% of the messages that everybody using a dating site – literally everybody – receives are from undesirables. However, I do think that your race plays a part in your underwhelming experience. To play that off like it’s not a factor would be ignorant and disingenuous. Both men and women of color have cited the trouble they have had trying to get dates using digital methods. Because I’m white, I can’t offer any insight based on first hand experience, though. I will leave that up to the commentariat.
Where I do have experience is utilizing online dating as a woman of a certain age. Your age definitely is playing a role in your response rate. Complicating it further is that problematic preferred age range you’ve set for your self. Real talk: No 32 year old is dating a 37 year old seriously. So get that thought out of your head.You’re hearing from the twenty-somethings because, with that stated age range, you are saying you date younger. Those annoying frat bros will take that ball and run with it.
An age range like the one you have will alienate potential matches. People your age or older (aka your target market) are going to assume you want someone younger and not even bother. Why? Because, as men, they know that if they were you, they’d choose someone younger. Your suggested age range should be somewhere around 37-47. If you’re still clinging to the hope of meeting a guy who will be a relatively young first time Dad (if you want kids) I would ditch that, too. As women, we fight to have people recognize that we are still quite fertile well into our early forties. We need to make a similar concession when it comes to men. There are PLENTY of men in their mid to late forties who still want kids. The fifty-something dudes who still want children? Yeah, they need to do some re-evaluating.
I’ve been told by countless self-help sites/men/women “An accomplished woman is a single woman”….
Just so we’re clear: any site or dating guru that advises women to play down their accomplishments should be blocked from your browser. As I have said before, it’s all about balance. No, you shouldn’t stuff your profile with activity after activity after accomplishment after accomplishment. You should, however, present a well-rounded person by including accomplishments as well as a healthy dose of personality traits that make you a good partner.It astounds me how many people cram their About Me summaries with hobby after hobby, never once mentioning anything about their personality.
Now let’s tackle the “are the or are they not racist” argument. First, I want to re-post something from an earlier article that I think is relevant here.
Anybody who says they prefer to date people of a certain ethnicity looks like a racist and possibly even is one. End of. No discussion. These users who write rigid and specific must have lists are not being honest, they’re being exclusionary. Which, btw, is just a fancy word for bigot.
ETA: Here’s a comment written in response to this post, where a woman referred to a man that she believed had Tourette’s as Rooster because he displayed some kind of a facial tic.
In all seriousness, her blog was essentially hate speech. I’m a student of this subject and it fascinates me. In any context other than dating, this lady would be be taken down immediately as a bigot. But, because it’s about dating, it only matters that she was “mean “” to some guy. She should have rejected him politely, after all! Now all is forgiven. What the fuck? – DMN
I think there’s a fine line between preference and prejudice. In my opinion, that line is when someone explicitly states their preference or says they “don’t date” people of a certain race. That, to me, is evidence that they have some internalized issues regarding people of different races. Attraction is simply not that black and white, if you will. As someone who has predominantly dated white men, I’ve come to learn that a lot of that had to do with my own lack of sophistication and from staying in a insulated little white bubble where everything was whitey white. Between becoming more socially aware of issues going on in our society to now having several members of my family who are biracial, I’ve come to realize that the problems we face aren’t just “theirs.” They are “ours.” As a result, I’ve noticed a shift is who I am attracted to.
You’re not entering spinsterville. Stop saying stuff like that and stop feeding into such outdated and sexist ideas. Yes, things are going to become increasingly difficult for you. But they will be exponentially easier if you do exactly what you want men in your desired age range do and broaden your horizons a bit.
You should also examine any possible biases you have against men of a certain age and deal with them. If I’ve learned anything is that bias works both ways. Many people defend their various prejudices while in the next breath say they feel those who reject them are prejudiced.
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