Dater X: Stop Being The The Crazy Ex

October 13th, 2015

Dater X, Dating, NEW!

 

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Psst…check out Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on the CW. It airs Mondays at 8pm

New Dater X

More about her boring concussion.

My bruises ended up including a whopper of a black eye, and my concussion kept me couch-bound for a lot of the past week (as did looking like a battered housewife, a condition that not even a full face of makeup managed to completely disguise).

Yeah, no. We don’t make light of abuse like that.  How do you write for a woman’s website and make such an off the cuff insensitive comment? Also, does this girl work? How does she manage to afford to live by herself but not appear to work anything resembling a full-time job? I can assure you she’s not making enough money writing shitty dating columns for the Frisky to live by herself in NYC.

I couldn’t help reflecting on The Big Easy and BB King and wondering what would come next. I nit-picked every detail of our recent interactions (more on those in a minute), and in a startling moment of what felt like clarity, I realized something: I think I look at men the way that men are supposed to look at women.

I have no idea where she’s going with this “realization” but it sounds uncomfortably like she’s once again trying to separate herself out from other women.  She’s different, okay?

Here’s what I mean: perhaps because of my steadfast singledom, perhaps because I grew up without brothers, I’m oddly in thrall with men’s every move, mystified and captivated by their minutiae. I find myself amazed by how they dress, and curious about each of their smallest preferences: I love the way they pick out soap or deodorant and how they decide what drink to order at a bar. All of the little things that I do every day – clothing myself; cleaning my apartment; making breakfast; reading a book before bed – I’m captivated to find that men do these things, too, and I can’t get enough of the tiny details of how and why they do them.

First, does she mean enthralled? Is in thrall a thing? Is she just being fancy? Next, this isn’t how men look at women. I don’t believe for a second that men sit and wonder how women insert tampons and lie in bed with a heating pad when they’re cramps are really bad. Nor do I think they pick up a piece of lingerie and hold it to the light and wonder, “How do you bra?” I can say with full confidence that I have never once wondered what it was like to have an appendage between my legs or to pee standing up. For the life of me I have no idea what she’s trying to convey here. Depth? Wisdom? What?

As for what this means for my dating life, I haven’t extrapolated that far.

No surprise there, as that would require introspection, and she has none. She’s desperately trying to explain why she’s not very good at dating but she stops just at the precipice of true self-actualization.

I did emerge from my apartment twice this week: once, as promised, to visit friends and pick up my piece from The Big Easy. He texted me that morning to say that he was ill and would be home all day, so rather than waiting until after my dinner plans, I offered to stop by en route. I brought the custom softball jersey that I’d ordered for him what seems like ages ago, and I made no effort to cover up my black eye, which would have felt somehow like performing. When I got to his apartment, I rang the bell, expecting him to come down and make the hand-off and have that be that; to my surprise, he buzzed me in and invited me to stay and chat.

Calling it: she didn’t have dinner plans. She stopped by in the hopes something would happen, left when he didn’t make a move, likely hung at a bar somewhere, then, well, you’ll see.  I’ll also speculate that she didn’t cover up her eye because she wanted attention from him. Period. The lengths she goes to to rationalize her behavior is truly something to behold.

After dinner, though, I did something that I debated even writing about here, since I know I’m going to hear it in the comments: I texted him and invited myself over to watch some more TV. What can I say? My head was hurting, and my friends were going to bed early (as expectant parents in the middle of packing up for a move are wont to do), and I wanted company. His just happened to be the most convenient, if only in terms of distance.

More rationalizing.

As before, we didn’t touch each other, though I suspected that I could have; instead, I laid on one side of the couch and he on the other. He made me hot tea. Sometime around midnight, he said he ought to get to bed, and we Google-ed to find me the nearest bus and the soonest arrival. Could I have stayed? Should I have? I guess I’ll never know, but he didn’t offer, and I didn’t ask.

This just sounds awkward. And for all her braying about how super awesome their sex was, I’m getting the distinct feeling they didn’t have much of it.

Two days later, The Big Easy texted me to ask how I was feeling and whether I remembered the name of a bottle of wine we’d enjoyed on one of our first dates. Still couch-bound and bored, I checked the restaurant’s website, and not finding it, dutifully paged back through all of our old text messages to see if we had mentioned it. We had, but PRO TIP: DO NOT EVER DO THIS, because in between all of the inane “meet me here at this time” and “when is our reservation again?” notes are the skirmishes you’d have otherwise forgotten; the sweet words best left unremembered;

Ugh, with these two. They’re doing a stupid dance. Though I do know what she’s saying about never going through old messages. I do that from time to time and see intense expressions of desire and for a moment wonder how things could have gone from so hot so bitter, bitter cold….

I found and passed on the name of the wine, with a half-joke that he could repay me by bringing me Concussion Ice Cream. He declined, which was probably for the best,

 

Of course he declined. He built her up with the text with the text about the wine they had on one of their dates, then he rejected her. I know that move well. Or he was being  a real douche bag and wanted her to think he had a date. Either way, Le Douche. Don’t like him. Never liked him. Moving on.

As I said, I emerged from my apartment twice this week: my out-of-state rendezvous with The Big Easy, and a few days later to head over to BB King’s place. After a week of relative isolation, Saturday found me with a case of cabin fever to rival my convalescing concussion, and I forced myself to apply several layers of concealer and head out into the world looking almost human. I had a burger and watched the ALDS, then texted BB King to ask where he was watching the next game. He replied that he would love to see me but was out of town – and then he did something unexpected, and offered me his apartment (and his cable) to watch the game.

Wait. Did she say out of state visit? Get the fuck out of here. She commuted to pick up her bong?? And what the what about inviting her to watch a baseball game at his apartment while he wasn’t there? Who does that? There’s something missing there. Why do I get the distinct impression she made up an excuse about not being able to watch the game at home?

I didn’t snoop, exactly, though I’ll admit I checked the shower for shampoo and conditioner (present, and troubling, as he shaves his handsome head). But there were no other outward signs of “girlfriend,” or even “recurring female visitors”

This borders on creepy. You’re in someone else’s home as their guest, for whatever bizarre reason. You do not comb through their apartment looking for traces of other women.

Finally, since Mr.’s King and Easy aren’t the only baskets where I wish to place my eggs: I’m back to online dating with a vengeance, and holy hell is it a jungle out there.

 

Oh, Christ. More excuses. More stories about why she’s not getting any dates.

Whatever, freak show.

 

 

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31 Responses to “Dater X: Stop Being The The Crazy Ex”

  1. D. Says:

    1. “In thrall” is kinda sorta a thing. She means “enthralled” but to be “enthralled” is to be held in the thrall of someone else. Basically, to be bewitched or someone’s slave (the root word “thrall” being a kind of Norse slave, basically). Anyway, yeah, she’s just writing the wrong word.

    2. I tend to chalk up the bulk of her poor judgment and dumb behavior to her low self esteem. This article pretty much proved that for me. The whole thing about her “worshiping” men as well as her “limited faith” in her own attractiveness is all you really need to know. I could guess at where this all comes from, but it doesn’t really matter at this point. She’s got self esteem issues, and they manifest in her doing dumb stuff with respect to men, and ignoring red flags.

    Going to TBE’s place multiple times, going to BBKing’s place to watch a baseball game (I think her life must be baseball and writing this column…with more time and attention spent on baseball), digging through their stuff to see if other women were in their lives, as well as all the shit she’s done up to this point (e.g. ignoring all manner of weird signs or douchey behavior), it all tracks.

    Her lack of introspection pretty much dooms her to more of the same, which means the column is likely to be…more of the same. She should go to therapy and deal with her issues. Of course, the decision to go in the first place would require that she have a scintilla of insight into herself, so…yeah…not happening.

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  2. SS Says:

    I have a concussion from reading her post because it made my HEAD HURT SO BAD!

    WTF. Seriously, just W the everliving F.

    All the other ridiculousness aside: he turned her down for staying. He turned her down for an ice cream visit. I want to scream “get a f*cking clue.” UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    And fwiw – a male friend has shampoo and conditioner. He says ordinary soap dries out his (also shaved) head. He uses conditioner on his beard and uh… yeah. That’s his story anyway lol *shrugs*

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      I think she sees herself (or wants to see herself) as So Much Cooler Than Other Women and, thus, MUST be friends with her exes. I mean, girl, he broke up with you, he amuses himself by toying with you…why would you want to hang at the Baskin Robbins with his ass? Her whole ridiculous mindset kind of makes some sort of sense out of the El Guapo quid-pro-quo “friendship”, maybe? The endless harping on baseball too. I really enjoy football and I really don’t think it’s a massive turn-on to guys. It’s nice to have that in common, but I don’t think any man has ever decided I was some kind of Special Ultra-Cool Unicorn because of it. Bottom line: DX, you’re doing it wrong.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Like I always say, even if you think you can’t do better…being alone IS doing better than sniffing around for crumbs from people who don’t respect you. Christ. BBKing/Banker could be a nice diversion if she could truly accept that it’s casual (hello, bathroom scene, she can’t), but TBE just sounds like a dick who consistently makes her feel worse.

        Seemed like Moxie was wondering if she was a trust fund kid, which…eh, New York’s full of ‘em, and that could partly explain lack of life skills. It’s possible DX3 works at home, which would explain her couch time and lack of leaving the house for several days (it explains mine).

        She did mention firing up the ol’ online dating profile, so maybe at least there will be new dates to talk about soon..?

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          The head-scratching part about the snooping is that she’s not really looking for an actual relationship, so why in the name of all that is sacred does she care?! I’ll be interested to see what happens if she actually dates online. I mean, there will still be paragraph upon paragraph of flowery crap, but it would be something at least! Sidenote: I work from home a lot of the time as well and, Lord, I had to go all-out designing my office to keep myself off the couch haha!

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      • SS Says:

        Yeah and what happened to her “oh so GREAT” friend EG?!! Didn’t she say she saw him every week?

        She’s so FOS and clueless I can barely stand it.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          Agreed on all counts! The reader is always getting half (no, probably a quarter) of the story with these columns, so I wonder if El G is out of the picture until she calls him up to treat him to some dinner/baseball/sex? God, he’s gross.

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  3. KK Says:

    One can be enthralled by something, and in thrall with it as well. She means she is enthralled by those things.

    I have to say, I have wondered what it must be like to have a penis. Mostly this is when there is a huge line for the women’s bathroom and absolutely none for the men’s.

    I’m a bit at a loss as to how the person closest to Dater X could be out of state – she says geographically, he was closest, hence her meeting up with him. She doesn’t have any in-state friends?

    Also, she DOESN’T look at men the way men are supposed to look at women. She looks at men…exactly the way women are purported to look at men. Most of the straight guys I know, it’s all, “would I fuck her?” and if not, then…whatever. I think some of them sometimes literally cannot fathom why some women are really into shoes or makeup, but this only happens if there is one guy friend amidst a bunch of women and we are looking at shoes.

    Very weird that she came over and he didn’t try and hook up with her.

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    • D. Says:

      It’s not weird that she came over and he didn’t try to hook up. It sounds like they both felt crappy. If Moxie’s read of him is accurate, he’s getting off on the attention. If that’s not it, then maybe he just doesn’t know how to say “Look, fuck off, ok?” to her when she invites herself over, or maybe he just wants to have someone to hang out with, or maybe it’s just not really a big deal to have another human being sitting on his couch watching TV while he’s basically zoned out anyway. Who knows. Who cares? The bottom line is that she keeps herself involved with this guy when she’s had ample opportunity to walk away. Same deal with BBKing and the once-oh-so-important-but-now-not-so-much El Guapo.

      She’s totally wrapped up in the attention of men because of how she sees them — and herself in relation to them. All of this is about her self esteem. What her self esteem issues are about, I have no idea, but that, I think, is what drives all of this behavior for her.

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      • SS Says:

        “he’s getting off on the attention”

        My read is that he’s one of those guys who like to stay friends with the ex.

        Either for NSA sex, or so he can say “I’m still friends with most of my exes” = aka “I’m a good guy really” (aka I’m not a DB even though that’s what I’ve been called by many women in the past blah blah).

        Or both.

        Either way they are both behaving like morons.

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        • ATWYSingle Says:

          I don’t think he’s doing much to keep her around. Despite what she’s saying, I think she’s doing most if not all of the initiating of these conversations with all of these men. TBE knows she’s still trying to get back with him, but he has no interest in her other than she’s something to swat about when he’s bored.

          As for BBBanker or whatever, I think she didn’t have the cable channel that the game was being broadcast on (or so she claimed) so he offered to let her watch the game at his place. I don’t think there was much behind that decision.

          I really don’t think these guys are thinking or processing any of this the way many people think they are. She’s the one pursuing them. They’re just sitting back and letting her.

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  4. Nicki Says:

    I think when she said TBE was closest geographically it was because she supposedly met up with friends near his apartment. But yes, it would seem that she commuted for her bong or whatever.

    DX3 has no clue. She could learn something from even DX2. Those are words I never thought I would say. I have no idea how many times TBE will have to reject her before she gets a freaking clue. And I find her watching TV at BB’s house weird and her searching for signs of girls creepy as hell. Big deal if he has shampoo and conditioner there even if it’s for girls! He isn’t her boyfriend!!!

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      Listen, I never, ever got the Creep Vibe from her before this (clueless, yes, creepy, no), but can you imagine going through someone’s shower? LIKE REALLY.

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      • Nicki Says:

        I never thought she was a creeper until this. Who does that?!

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          See, now it kind of makes sense that she didn’t see TBE’s meltdown over The Marlboros Of Doom as a giant, glaring red flag. Listen, she’s just so much Cooler Than Other Women that she’s inviting herself over to her ex’s house and looking for evidence of a new girlfriend, you know? We’ll just never get it ;)

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          • Nicki Says:

            If that is what being Cool Girl is then I hope to never achieve that title.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Was anyone else picturing a sad, slow scan of a shower and its contents while this played in the background:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buP4ZjXjOgA

            It’s weird that she had keys/access to his place when he’s not there. Was it a super-casual, “Hey, can you water my plants/feed my cat while I’m on a business trip” deal like you’d ask a friend..? And she’s reading into it and eye fucking his shampoo bottles..?

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            • BTownGirl Says:

              Ohmygod, I busted out laughing!! I can totally picture that! Seriously, I really think she was like, ‘HI I LIVE FOR BASEBALL – NO REALLY I HAVE NO LIVE OUTSIDE IT – AND MY CABLE IS OUT AND WAAAAH WAAAAH MY EYE” and he was all, “Okay then, you can use my tv.” I’m guessing the doorman has keys and let her in? I can’t. I just can’t.

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  5. BTownGirl Says:

    No freakin’ way BB invited her unprompted to hang out at his place. She told him she needed a place to watch the game (one wonders why she didn’t just go to a bar…actually, no, I don’t wonder, she’s creepy), moaned about her injuries and he then offered. I can’t. Someone would have to whine and passive-aggressively hint for me to be guilted into allowing them to touch my electronics and possibly spill things on my white couches without my supervision. NOPE.

    Well, DX, you are right, you are Oh So Different From Other Women…because, girl, you weird as fuck.

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    • SS Says:

      “Weird as fuck” – I LOVE IT!!! lmaoooooooo

      But yes – either she guilted BBDouche into letting her use his apartment, or my other theory is that he’s being “nice” to keep her on the back burner for NSA sex again in the near future. Her being her she’ll fall for it of course.

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  6. Mandy Says:

    This was just so hard to read. It just is more and more obvious that she has absolutely no sense of self, and has no ability to actually form a connection with a man (or really, with anyone. She clearly has no actual close friends from what it sounds like). She never even liked TBE, she liked that he could be her boyfriend.

    I can’t imagine how low your self-esteem has to be to go to ANYONE else’s house at the last minute to watch TV (especially a game that would be shown at a million bars), never mind a f-buddy. The fact that he let her/invited her says nothing at all about their relationship, and just that it’s not a big deal to him.

    And what’s with all the snooping for other girls? Why would you do this? First, it’s none of your business if they’re screwing the entire world. Second, apparently she thinks that if you sleep with a guy you leave stuff all over his apartment? Do people really do this? I guess maybe because her self-esteem is so low and she’s so desperate to feel like men are part of her life, maybe she leaves stuff at every guy’s apartment she sleeps with? I’ve only ever left something somewhere if we were regularly sleeping together, consistently enough that it was probably a few times/week at his place and I was going to work directly from there or something.

    I can’t imagine how much she would benefit from some therapy and some actual friends–not just drinking buddies, softball pals, or the kind of fake-friends that just tell you everything you do is great.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I honestly think she was going to watch the game and must have told him she didn’t have the cable channel at home. I don’t see that as her having low-self esteem. She’s trying to make it sound like he offered that option to her unprovoked because it makes her look better.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        Agreed – lacking self-knowledge and having an inability to read people is a vastly different animal than low self esteem.

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  7. I'mnoexpert Says:

    Wow!!! She is wacko!! And so are these guys she is hanging out with! Seriously, who invites a hookup to go to their apt. while they are away and watch TV! How did she get in? Why the hell would you go to a hookups place to watch TV with out them there!! Go home! Desperate much!
    NTM the hanging out with the ex, her one side of couch him on the other, I would rather get hit in the face with a softball then experience that awkwardness. That was one cring worthy moment after another.
    Plus, she clearly wanted sympath with the no cover up for the ex and a gallon for the booty call.
    Ugh, it’s painful to read this train wreck.

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  8. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I’m actually impressed that this cat BB King is so put together that he can let some woman into his apartment unplanned, and unexpectedly, while he’s away. I have so much incriminating shit laying around my apartment out in the open – let alone shampoo and evidence of “other women” – that I would need a few days to clean up before I could agree to invite her in. I guess that’s why I’m still the 99% :(

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  9. Greg Figueroa Says:

    So the doorman let her in BBK’s apt and locked the door when she left?

    She will be back for her toothbrush next week.

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    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      I would imagine that she finds a way to talk about baseball on dates.

      Custom Jerseys don’t take long to slap a patch or stitch up his name on the back. They been broken up for like 3 weeks now. My theory is it was just another ploy for attention and to come see him.

      Yes, there are poor online daters throwing crap on the wall. She should just focus on the dates, ignore the crap.

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  10. Kyra Says:

    Oh my god, does she not realize how freaking awkward and crazy-sounding she is??

    Who invites themselves over to watch tv with their ex, and then ponders about whether she should have invited herself the night?!

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  11. uesider Says:

    She’s writing a dating column but she doesn’t go on any dates, so she has to create drama about men she used to date in order to have stuff to write about (and get paid for).

    It’s pretty clear these guys aren’t interested. She hung around until midnight trying to get an overnight invite from Guy 1, and he put her on the bus. That’s about as clear a signal he’s not interested as there is.

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