Beware The Man In a Rush To Lock Things Down

November 3rd, 2015

Commitment, Dating 2.0, Moxie 101, NEW!, NOPE!, Re-Post

moving in

Name: Carina
State: Florida
Age: 32

Comment: Moxie,

I moved to Florida last August from NYC.  Dating here has been great!  So much better than in NYC I have to say. I dated a few guys my first few months here and then I met a great guy.  We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week.  It has moved quite fast.  We’ve only been together a bit over a month now but I can already feel he’s the one for me.  Of course since I’ve never moved into a relationship so quickly (and being a jaded New Yorker), I cant help but question the relationship sometimes.  I’ve been staying at his place 2-3 nights a week and he asked me yesterday if I would like some area in his closet to put my things because I go back and forth with a bag but I always need things that I don’t have with me plus my daily personal things etc.  And its getting annoying to be carrying a bag back and forth.  Also, this morning he mentioned that he would get me a key to his place.  He works from home most days and sometimes hes in the office on long business calls and when I get there after work Ive had to wait until hes done with his calls to open the door… I also use his gym sometimes or go in and out to get whatever so I dont know I guess hes thinking it would just be easier I guess…  Hes asked me a couple of times if I would feel comfortable living there and I think I would.  We already told each other we are in love, he met my family (I havent met his) and we are on the same page in terms of what we are looking for… family, children…  He even asked me if it is something Im looking for in the near future.  He says hes ready for it and has hinted that within a year he would like to be moving forward with that plan which is exactly my wish.  We are the same age btw, 32.  Hes taking me on vacay next month to Europe and we just cant wait!  But, what do you think about this closet space and keys situation?  I feel like I want to be with him ALL the time.   And while this situation may sound great feeling the way I feel about him, Im afraid it may ruin what we have or may even make it too comfortable and easy for him (isnt it againts “the rules”?) and he may never pop the question.  What do you think?  I dont want to regret my choices later on…
State: Florida

 

You’re asking a lot of good questions. Unfortunately, you’re not asking the one question you should be asking.

Why is this man in such a rush?

I’ll say it. This situations feels all kinds of sketchy to me.

We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week.

You can’t be serious that you think this is in any way normal or healthy. It’s not. Forget about all those stories you hear from friends and on websites or blogs. While a small percentage of these examples might actually be healthy, the large majority of them are not. Either somebody’s desperation or loneliness is being exploited or both people in the relationship are emotionally unhealthy.  That’s it.

Right now, you’re just so excited that you’ve met a man who not only wants to commit but wants to do it as soon as possible that you’re not seeing this situation clearly. You’ve crammed a bunch of milestones in to 6 weeks. Really think about that. Does that sound rational to you? Do you think it’s wise to be discussing children with someone you’ve been dating all of 6 weeks? Especially when you haven’t even met his family? Who the hell knows what sort of defective DNA he might possibly be carrying with him. These are the things that need to be considered when discussing children. People don’t just say, “Hey! Let’s have a baby!” There are things to be considered, many of which require that you have a clear and strong understanding of your partner’s values and history.

Right now he’s keeping you preoccupied with trips and sweet sentiments and offers of commitment. Why? You need to ask him why he’s in such a rush. You also need to ask yourself how it is possible you don’t think any of this is weird because your warning bells should be clattering so loud that you can’t hear yourself think.

I do not trust any relationship that starts off this quickly and intensely. Sorry. The only people who move this fast are either people with an agenda that has nothing to do with love or people who are needy and co-dependent.  Now, maybe you’re co-dependent, too. Maybe you two are both co-dependent people who have found each other. Super. Unhealthy people find each other all the time. But you two are talking co-habitation, possibly merging some of your finances…and children. Capital B Big Deal. These are not things you jump in to with the reckless abandon often present in the early stages of a relationship.

Im afraid it may ruin what we have

What exactly is it that you have? What could you have possibly developed in 6 weeks that is so profound? You are so caught up in the trappings of this relationship that you are ignoring the blaring sirens. He’s got a great apartment, he works from home, he’s taking you on a trip, he’s met your family, he’s said the “L” word. What do you really know about this man? And no, I’m not suggesting you do a background check. I’m suggesting you wake up, take off those rose colored glasses and ask yourself why you’re so willing to go along with this romance. I get that you moved from a  city that has a dearth of commitment-minded men. I understand. But that makes this story even more questionable. The new in town single woman desperate for a man who will commit meets one that commits in a week. It’s too perfect.

I’m telling you. No healthy person is jumping to commit after this short of a time frame. No way. If they do, they’re either really desperate or shady. Men know that the best way to get a woman to behave the way he would like her to behave is to agree to be her boyfriend and “commit.” It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Once he gives her that, he can pretty much do whatever he wants. He will point to that one gesture to “prove” his worthiness and use it every chance he gets.

You need to take a few steps back and look at this situation objectively. You also need to get some info on his relationship history. This guy has either scared every woman off or he has moved a few other women in to this apartment only to have things dissolve soon after.

To me, this guy sounds like he’s eager to settle down, but with anybody who comes along. That’s what unsettles me most.

I will also add that, when this letter was first posted, the LW popped into the comments and let everyone know that she insisted that the guy commit to exclusivity before they had sex. So there’s that to consider, too.

I’m aware that I’m sending a bit of a mixed message here. In previous posts I’ve said that the men who want to commit (especially the ones who agree to exclusivity before sex) are routinely the ones many women reject. But then I’ve also said that if it’s a relationship a woman seeks, she needs to focus on the guys they initially would have dismissed. I think a happy medium can be found here, but I don’t think a guy like the one depicted in this letter is it. He’s too eager, too available, too compliant. And I can not even with the fact that agreed to commit before they slept together. That’s always a red flag in my mind. Who does that these days? Many women believe that getting a guy to agree to such a premise is a victory, but it’s not. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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10 Responses to “Beware The Man In a Rush To Lock Things Down”

  1. Alan Says:

    Take a key; get some storage space; make it as easy as possible to spend the time you want to spend with him at his place; enjoy your vacation. There is no reason to rush things any further and move in. Keep your place and re-evaluate how things are going in six months or a year or whenever you think it’s time. Let him know how you feel about the relationship (which appears to be good) and that you want to proceed at a pace that is comfortable to you.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 2

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  2. SS Says:

    1. If he’s so “into” all this, why havent you met his family? Have you met his friends? It’s important not to exist in the initial “romance bubble” without doing due diligence on what this person is like *outside* the bubble so you can get a more comprehensive picture of who they really are rather than who they TELL you they are.

    2. What is is romantic history? Is this rushing new for him or is it a pattern? How long has he been single? I believe this is vital information to have before considering entering into anything long term.

    3. Have you fully discussed the finances for Europe? Have you seen the reservations? Why is he footing the bill? Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.

    4. Why are you staying at his place every time? Why isn’t he coming over to your place?

    5. If you feel like it’s that much of a struggle to carry a bag, then by all means take a key and leave a few NON-essentials in his closet. There is no way in HELL I would give this person a key however – he is still technically a stranger to you.

    6. In my experience women view living together as a step towards marriage, men view it as the opposite – or at least just as something for ease rather than a symbol of commitment.

    7. And as I’m writing this – have you googled him? Does he *really* work from home? Does that story check out? One reason for the speed could be that he’s out of work and is covering it up. You move in and hey presto “oops I lost my job”…..

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 5

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    • Shadowcat Says:

      WOW! Great Post!
      #3, yes. how many times have we read here where these things go South? Watch a few episodes of Judge Judy, Mathis or any of the other courtroom shows… Who is footing the bill for that trip, what does it mean that he is “taking” you to Europe? Can you get him to commit (in writing, on email) to exactly who pays for what? Awkward conversation, yes, but if you guys are planning this life together (after 6 weeks?) you should be able to have that conversation.

      #5 Impossible. If he gives you a key, he will complain that he didn’t get one for yours, and you are going to cave on this, I’m sure. Change the locks if you break up, IMMEDIATELY.

      #6, I wish Moxie would do a whole thread just on that, I find the observation fascinating….

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

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  3. Nia Says:

    I would be very, very careful. You have a lot to lose from moving in with this guy, things like your freedom (even small things like being able to binge watch a show on a Saturday afternoon) to your financial security and stability.

    If sleeping over is a pain (and I get it, having been there) because you don’t have stuff, purchase sample or travel versions of your personal items: shampoo, soaps, etc, or invest in a “Jon’s house” version.

    Other than that, I’d say what’s the rush? I don’t see an age to this, so unless you’re 42 and your clock is ticking, why not take it slow. Getting married and having kids is not the end goal, it’s a journey. Being married means you are with that person FOR LIFE. When he gets sick, depressed, injured, or changes his mind on his career 4 times in 6 months. When he doesn’t make money. When his crazy family members want to move in. When he brings home a Pit Bull puppy that’s scary as hell because ‘he’s always wanted one’. And so on.

    Having kids is a *lifelong* commitment. You’ll need an amazing, supportive partner to raise good kids. What if they’re challenged or have disabilities? What if you face infertility?

    There are so many questions that couples must answer together before making it official—from religion to money to how to spend free time. Get those answers before signing on the dotted line.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 8

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  4. BTownGirl Says:

    I think it would be a good idea, since you’re new in town, to focus on meeting new friends and not putting all your eggs in one basket with this guy. I’m seeing a lot of red flags here too, so I’ll say…girl, don’t tie your living and financial situation up with this guy. There’s no reason to rush, so if you tell him that you want to think about it and he gets pissy, RUN. Enjoy your new city and take your time making a new life for yourself!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 2

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  5. Craig Says:

    The Mrs. and I were also committed within the first week after 4 dates (Moxie has met her). Was it healthy? I don’t know – who’s qualified to determine that? All I know is 8 years later, we’re still going strong. We were neither desperate, nor lonely or emotionally unhealthy. We just…knew. It may be hard to believe, but sometimes it really is just that quick and easy. So take that for what it’s worth.

    That said, there are indeed a couple of red flags here. First, the requirement of a commitment before sex that Moxie pointed out from a previous comment from the same OP. Those are definitely not the grounds upon which one should be obtaining a commitment. Anyone here ever buy a car without first test driving it? No? So why in God’s name would you choose a life partner that way? Second, the offer to give her keys and the offer of moving in is a bit premature. I’d tread lightly on that so soon. It took me a year after meeting to get to that point, much less discussion of having a family. I say enjoy it as this could be it for both of them, but slow down a bit. What’s the rush at 32?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

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  6. Fyodor Says:

    I think sometimes that the commentary here is too Manhattan – centric. In a lot of non urban places people are often in a rush to be coupled off. I don’t think that he’s codependent or trying to trick the OP. That being said, moving this quickly is still a bad idea. You’ve got plenty of time. Slow down.

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  7. Shadowcat Says:

    RE: “Manhattan – centric”, yes, I actually thought about that when I was reading the posts, and even my own immediate reaction. I think cohabitation in different cities has a very different meanings. As we know, this is an INSANELY f-ing expensive place to live. I make a “grown-up” living, not a fantastic one, but a salary that would sound high to an out-of-towner, and I still struggle. We have a very, very, insanely sweet deal for our rent-stabilized place, and honestly, financial considerations are a great deal of the reason I agreed to move in. (EIGHT YEARS on a waiting list to get in, not uncommon in NY, FYI to you folks outside of the city) It would cost me over 12 grand/year to find similar situation, and I’d have to get rid of my car. There were times when one or both of us wanted to break up, but we worked it out, because nobody’s moving. I actually think that New Yorkers cohabitate faster than people in other cities (from conversations I have had with friends that live elsewhere) I can’t believe I am alone in this opinion.

    Now in your case, this probably isn’t a factor (unless you live perhaps in South Beach or someplace similar) SO there are very different reasons for asking you to move in. I don’t think you should do it until you have dated for a very long time and it’s part of a journey to marriage. And PLAESE keep your finances separate.

    You’ve known this man a moth and a half, that’s NOTHING. You might be surprised at what people are able to keep secret for a lot longer than that, I am still continually surprised.

    That said, I hope that this is actually a case of whirlwind true love! They DO happen (I’ve heard) So enjoy! Just keep your eyes open…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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  8. Dayna Says:

    My husband’s ex made him wait 6 weeks for sex, saying she needed time to be comfortable and sure of his commitment. Once she was “ready” she then suggested it’s ok if he didn’t wear a condom. Thankfully he wasn’t that dumb. The relationship lasted 7 months too long. When I met him, we had sex the first week and were engaged in 3 months. Moral of the story, don’t try to trick or force a man. You’ll just end up that sad ass ex they laugh at.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 6

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