Why Do Guys Keep Blowing Her Off?


Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): burninghouse123
Comment: I have been doing the online dating for almost a year now and why is it that overtime i start to have any interest in a guy and he appears to have interest in me as well. things go great, conversation flows effortlessly. we make plans to to meet. set a day and time, even checks in the day before and then just goes MIA. understand life gets in the way and i am very understanding of that. I’m a nurse so i understand what its like to work long hours in a day, day in and day out but if you can’t make it why not just say it instead of not saying anything? this hasn’t only happened once, it has quite often. why flake? and if you are going to flake why make the effort to try and make plans? i just dont understand, youre on a website to meet people, why would you settle for a texting buddy when you can have an actual person accompany you?
Age: 25
City: chicago
State: il

We’ve covered this almost exact scenario before.

why is it that overtime i start to have any interest in a guy and he appears to have interest in me as well.

The key word here is “appears.” These men appear to have interest in you. That’s a very salient detail that many of us often overlook. While it’s normal to encounter the occasional flake who bails on a date, it is decidedly not typical to experience this frequently. My guess is that you’re communicating with men who aren’t terribly interested from the start, i.e. men out of your league. That’s why they’re fading on you.

Here are a few ways you can dodge flakey fakes like this in the future:

1. Don’t send out messages to people who haven’t initiated interest in some way - This goes for men and women. OP, if you’re the one reaching out to these men, then you are increasing your chances of having them ghost before the first date or right after. I will bang this drum until the day I die: sending out cold call messages to people you like is a waste of time. Instead, conserve your efforts for people who appear on your visitors list or in your inbox. Someone making these sorts of efforts is less likely to engage you just because. This approach won’t guarantee you will never be flaked on again, but it will certainly decrease how often you meet such people.

2. Lower your standards - Here’s the reality of online dating: the odds are against you no matter what. You are surrounded by thousands of other options at all times who are just a click away, as opposed to meeting someone at a party or social event. The fewer choices someone has to choose from, the more likely it is they will make a choice. That person whose profile you look at and you’re kinda sorta not sure? That’s who you should reach out to in some way. Real talk: the people who want relationships are probably the ones you’re rejecting.

3. Know your audience – Look, there are just some people you, me, and everybody reading this will never pull. Ever. Stop shooting for the stars when using a dating site or app. Take  a look at the profiles of other men or women (depending on your preference) to see what you are up against. Get an idea of whose photos yours will be along side in those searches and ask yourself if you really think yours will stand out in some way. If it doesn’t, make it stand out with a better picture.  Analyze your visitors list and pay close attention to the people who DON’T appear on it. For me, it’s white men over 40 in NYC. Those guys hardly ever show up on my OKCupid visitors list. Know who routinely appears on that list? Men over 40 from the suburbs or The Bronx, because The Bronx, because Da Bronx is only a couple miles from where I live. These men have to expand their geographic preference because of where they live. Guys in Manhattan can search for women within only 2-5 miles (depending on the platform they’re using)  and still have plenty of women appearing in their search. And then there’s the fact that OKCupid is more Brooklyn than Manhattan friendly, which means most of the men in my age range won’t even consider someone above 14th Street. My location and my age screws me big time, which is why I don’t bother with anybody that doesn’t live within 2-3 miles of me. It’s not because I won’t date someone in Brooklyn, but because I know most of them won’t date anyone who lives so far uptown. Focus on the people who want you.

4. Read the person’s profile thoroughly and be honest about possible compatibility – Sure, their photos are great. But can you see yourself sitting in all the time while they watch Game of Thrones? Are you honestly prepared to jet off to a new country every few months? Do you truly wish to be with someone so cerebral and introverted/extroverted? People make a lot of snap decisions over time and come to realize that, while the pictures look great, the person’s lifestyle isn’t a good fit. That’s another reason people back off unexpectedly.

5. Learn to spot the time wasters and people using the site for entertainment – This one should be easy. As I said in the post I linked to above:

The smart thing to do when it comes to online dating is to avoid anybody who doesn’t look like they’ve made a concerted effort to present themselves well. Basically, avoid all the half-assers. I’m talking about the people with a barely filled out profile or who have only posted one or two photos. This is where knowing your audience is crucial. That all of these guys keep flaking definitely raises an eyebrow.

Personally, I avoid anybody who doesn’t have a well written About Me Summary. They can have a throw-away line or two for the other sections, but they MUST have a thoughtfully constructed introductory summary of themselves that doesn’t include:

  • A stupid greeting like, “Hi and thanks for reading my profile.”
  • An excuse for why they are there like, “My friends said I should sign up.”
  • A laundry list of descriptors such as, “I’m easy-going, sarcastic, cultured, etc.” Say it with me: adjectives are not effort.
  • They also MUST have at least three recent pictures. End of. None of this one photo nonsense.

The flake factor associated with both online dating and apps like Tinder or Hinge has sky rocketed, making these mediums that much more difficult and frustrating. All I can suggest is to conserve your efforts for people who seem sincere in wanting to get to know you. Also a bad sign is if they move too fast (i.e. jumping to exchanging numbers in the first message) or too slow (dragging out conversations or long lags in response times). If your conversations are substanceless and never go beyond flirting, or if someone doesn’t show any interest in finding out more about you and doesn’t ask questions, they’re probably going to flake.


Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)


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5 Responses to “Why Do Guys Keep Blowing Her Off?”

  1. TL Says:

    The letter writer barely uses correct punctuation, grammar, and capitalization. I’m going to assume her profile and messages are written in the same lol-speak as her letter. As a guy, this is a big warning sign for me. I don’t expect the Queen’s English, but I want someone educated.

    She probably has passable looks and that is why guys message her. They are keeping her on the back bench just in case. But when some other women with looks and a personality matches them, they move on.

    Ladies, I don’t know how to make this any more clear: if YOU like a guy, OTHER women also like him. How are you standing out?

  2. Devon Says:

    I like the list of things not to include in your profile.

    A stupid greeting like, “Hi and thanks for reading my profile.”
    Stupid is right.

    An excuse for why they are there like, “My friends said I should sign up.”
    Why the heck would anybody think such statements are a good idea?

    adjectives are not effort.

  3. Laure Says:

    Again some great advice. Especially analysing who isn’t viewing your profile is a great insight. Thanks!

  4. Donnie K Says:

    “Don’t send out messages to people who haven’t initiated interest in some way – This goes for men and women.”

    Please, stop with this already. The days of living off of views, winks and likes are over – if they ever really existed at all.

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