Beware The Man Who Makes You His Girlfriend After One Date

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Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Ash

Comment: Known this guy a few years and finally gave him a chance. A month into dating I notice he flirts and keeps in contact with all his female friends. Mind you he made me his gf after our first date. We didn’t sleep together until a month or so after. We break up because I get tired of the texting other girls and flirty conversations and he says they’re just friends. Anyways we decide we will try to work it out and he will stop making me feel insecure and he leaves for a boys trip. I found be out after there was also females there on the camping trip and they’re just friends once again. He comes back and we are intimate. Next morning I find someone else’s underwear next to bed slightly under. I’m done… I don’t talk to him for months after and ignore him. A month ago I see him and he hands me a card before he leaves town for two weeks. It says I love you … I don’t talk to Him and ask for space … Now we have spoken and he says he is very sorry and loves me and wants to work on us. He’s finally moving out of his place w his roommate into his own. He was honest about all the women he’s slept with or so I think. I love him too and I’ve never said it out loud but when we are together we are happy and get along.. It’s when we are apart it’s war. Throughout this time he asked me to move in months ago and I said no. I’m confused … Should I just cut him lose for good or is this 35 year old going to act better towards me and stop living this wild Hollywood life. I lived it but I’m past it just not sure if he will be a better man to me this time around.
Age: 27
City: Hollywood
State: Ca

 

Mind you he made me his gf after our first date. We didn’t sleep together until a month or so after.

That’s really all I need to know. Here’s why he made you his “girlfriend” after one date: so, when you caught him flirting and texting with other women and going off on camping trips with other women, he could say to you,”But, baby, you’re the one I love. Those girls? I just flirt with them.  I made you my girlfriend on the first date – before we had sex – that’s how much I care for you. You’re different.”

You’re not different. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my travails across the Manhattan dating scene it’s that the minute you think you’re different than his ex or any of the other women he might date, you’re screwed. When you find yourself looking at or comparing yourself to other women and convincing yourself you’re different, that should be a warning to you that you don’t feel secure in your relationship. If many men know one way to make some women’s ears prick up, it’s to pit us against another woman.

Anyways we decide we will try to work it out and he will stop making me feel insecure and he leaves for a boys trip. I found be out after there was also females there on the camping trip and they’re just friends once again.

Okay, really? Do you really need me to tell you this guy is a bag of shit? This guy wants his cake and wants to eat it, too. He desires the benefits of the relationship but doesn’t have any plans to let go of his swinging single life. That’s why he made you his girlfriend after one date. Ash, trust me, this guy has this act down pat. He’s done it before.

He was honest about all the women he’s slept with or so I think.

Ahhhh. Total honesty. That’s another way people like this try to bamboozle their victims. “But, baby, I was totally upfront with you about all the women I nailed behind your back. Would I do that if I weren’t serious?”

Yes. Yes he would. Why? Because guys like this know that a lot of women confuse total honesty with sincerity.

This guy is a manipulator. I say give him a hard pass.

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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23 Responses to “Beware The Man Who Makes You His Girlfriend After One Date”

  1. SS Says:

    “the minute you think you’re different than his ex or any of the other women he might date, you’re screwed.”

    Amen to this. And this especially goes for any man who *tells* you that you’re different to other women. Why? Because what’s wrong with all other women? That demonstrates antipathy for your gender… and guess what? You ARE that gender, so eventually you’ll end up being hated like all the others.

    “He was honest about all the women he’s slept with or so I think.”

    Yeah ok. So he’s been DISHONEST all along, and yet you expect him to be honest about his dishonest behaviour? C’mon now.

    “just not sure if he will be a better man to me this time around”

    Ever heard the phrase “the best predictor of the future behaviour is past behaviour” ? It’s a common phrase because it’s true – leopards don’t change their spots.

    This guy has continually acted like a total DB. Please don’t think for one second he will magically transmogrify into someone who’s not a lying cheating asshole, because he won’t. Move on.

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  2. Selena Says:

    My feeling is that people don’t change fundamental things about themselves until it becomes very important to them to do so. This fellow is 35? I would guess this flirty, feeding off attention from women thing has been going on 20 years for him. He’s already lost you a couple times over this behavior because he couldn’t or wouldn’t make the change in himself.

    It’s disturbing that he apparently let you believe he was going on guy’s only camping trip when he knew that wasn’t true. Comes across as “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt me!” And I would wonder if he didn’t stop doing things he knew would make you feel insecure, mistrust him…he would just make a more determined effort to hide them from you.

    You may love this man, but your letter reads as a woman who knows deep down he is not the best person for you.

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  3. Tadpole Says:

    I think the bigger question here is why if she knows he’s cheated is she considering hanging around? I’ve never understood people that hold onto someone they know is being dishonest with them. They complain about all the pain and heartache that the other person has put them through, but honey you did it to yourself. You knew he was sneaking around and being dishonest, yet you stuck around anyways. It’s just really hard for me to have sympathy.

    I do, however, understand how a married woman with kids might want to stick around the first time. Operative word in that sentence is first. If kids are involved then he’d get a second chance for their sake, but if he continued down the same path, then I’d take them and blow that popsicle stand.

    Maybe that’s a harsh outlook, but I dunno. I just have a really hard time trying to understand why someone would considering sticking around with a person that has continually betrayed their trust. I guess I’m just too much of a believer in the old saying, “Got me once shame on you. Got me twice shame on me.”

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    • Selena Says:

      It’s unclear to me whether he actually cheated on her. Finding another woman’s panties under his bed is incriminating, but the OP wrote she had broken up with him previously and then decided to try to work it out again with him. It’s ambiguous as to whether they actually “together” when the panties were dropped.

      Agree though, why keeping starting over with someone you just can’t trust?

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  4. Late Bloomin Rose Says:

    Reminds me of a man I met over the summer in the Hamptons, who invited my friend and me to stay in his house. He gave up his bedroom for us so we would be comfy (sounds nice, right?) I knew my friend had feelings for this man, and was hoping something would happen between them. My understanding in going on the trip was that there would be other single men invited for me to possibly get to know. Well, once we were there, it turned out the only other single man was extremely nerdy, and this guy was much more attractive. This man, whom I’ll call Carl, was the consummate host, especially toward me, mixing me drinks, complimenting my outfits, asking probing, in depth questions about my life and work. For most of the weekend I did my best to avoid him, or just answer his questions in cool, but polite and gingerly manner, and his attentions toward me were making me feel uncomfortable because I knew my friend was interested in him. I purposely left him and my friend alone as much as I could, even going up to bed early the first and second nights in hopes something would happen between them. In the wee hours of the morning on the second night, my friend came upstairs and declared, “It’s hopeless!” in reference to anything happening between them. The next morning, after she left, he and I were alone in the house as I waited for another friend to come pick me up. Nothing happened – except that he continued to ask me a lot of questions, compliment me, etc… Because of my friend’s “It’s hopeless” declaration and because I believed this man, whom I did find attractive, was genuinely interested in getting to know me, I let down my guard a bit and allowed myself to consider the possibility of dating him if he asked – but I also made a point to tell him my friend has been a good friend and I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt her… So I think I subtly discouraged him … Anyway, fast forward a bit, my friend started interrogating me in the days that followed about whether he had asked me out (he had, in an indirect “fishing” type of way, and I had declined), and I tried to explain this interaction with him to her. I also told her that if nothing was happening between them, I would be interested in going out with him. She went ballistic, accusing me of throwing myself at him, etc., even though I certainly didn’t and nothing happened … Anyway, fast forward, now she and I no longer speak after she sent me a furious e-mail accusing me of having despicable motives and trying to hurt her (which was untrue). She and he appear to be going out. I would be happy for her, except from the looks of it they are officially “Friends” on Facebook – and he still Facebook stalks me, Liking a lot of my posts, etc… It took me a while to figure out that basically the man was just trying to play us off each other and keep the whole thing – which is really a big pile of nothing – going. I don’t respond to him on FB, and have only held back from defriending him out of curiosity. Like the man mentioned above, this dude is over 35 – over 40, actually – way too old to be playing games like this … Sometimes people are legitimately confused, but I think if that’s the case, the thing to do is be honest about your emotional confusion, not act like you are someone’s significant other and play on their vulnerabilities in order to keep them emotionally tied to you when you can’t even remotely give them what they want … Pitting people against each other is even another level of emotional manipulation and it is sick … I’m normally a pretty secure person but we all have vulnerabilities, and I was sucked into this bizarre triangle crated by a manipulator. It took me a little time to see this man was probably not truly interested in either my friend or me for the long haul, but just playing a game to feed his ego. Just disengage, I’d say.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Bravo on the verbal gymnastics you did to prove what a super good friend you were only to turn around and do EXACTLY the opposite.

      I let down my guard a bit and allowed myself to consider the possibility of dating him if he asked – but I also made a point to tell him my friend has been a good friend and I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt her…

      Okay. Sure. You’re wholly invested in this insipid drama, too, so get over yourself. He didn’t pit you two against each other. You did that all on your won, and your friend was right to cut you off.

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      • Late Bloomin Rose Says:

        He did manipulate both my friend and me, which doesn’t mean I as perfect in the situation. Do you have any interest in matters of the human mind and heart on this site, or just slapping people down?

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          I’m confused as to how either of you were manipulated? Your friend liked him, he wasn’t into it and he decided to ask you out instead. You wanted to date him and were okay with upsetting your friend in the process. Moxie isn’t “slapping you down”, she’s stating the facts. Also, for the love of all that is sacred, Facebook likes mean nothing and, if they are this guy’s way of expressing interest, he’s going about it in the laziest way possible.

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        • SS Says:

          He didn’t manipulate your friend: he showed a lack of interest because he wasn’t interested.

          He didn’t manipulate you: he showed interest because he was interested.

          “Girl Code” dictates that you don’t touch a guy a friend likes, or a friend’s ex. Ever. Period.

          You betrayed that code, hence your friend cut you off.

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          • BTownGirl Says:

            I’m going to go full Miss Cleo and guess that the response to the friend did not include, “I did a stupid thing, put a dating prospect above our friendship and I’m really sorry that my actions caused you pain.” I’m guessing that it was more “I did nothing wrong”, which probably played an even bigger part in the friend’s decision to cut her off than whatever happened with the guy.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        Seriously, there are enough men in the world and this sort of foolery totally avoidable. If your friend is going on and on about the guy and is invested enough to be upset and say “it’s hopeless!”…you leave the guy the f*ck alone.

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  5. Isambard Says:

    “You, you got what I need but you say [s]he’s just a friend
    And you say [s]he’s just a friend, oh baby
    You, you got what I need but you say [s]he’s just a friend
    But you say [s]he’s just a friend, oh baby
    You, you got what I need but you say [s]he’s just a friend
    But you say [s]he’s just a friend”

    Thank you for the opportunity to sing some a capella Biz Markie.

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    • SS Says:

      I’ll see your Biz and raise you an O’Jays:

      (What they do)
      (They smile in your face)
      All the time they want to take your place
      The back stabbers (back stabbers)
      (They smile in your face)
      All the time they want to take your place
      The back stabbers (back stabbers)

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  6. Late Bloomin Rose Says:

    Which doesn’t mean I was perfect in the situation, I meant… Strikes me that, when people are honest and vulnerable on this site … There’s a repetitious quality to the advice doled out here, and a boring predictability in the negative tone… It’s like, pretty much whatever someone writes, there’s this “And THAT’S why you’re single!” smack down that predictably takes place, but that is extremely unlikely to help anyone gain the insight or confidence to improve anything in their lives.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “It’s like, pretty much whatever someone writes, there’s this ‘And THAT’S why you’re single!’ smack down…”

      You don’t say? I think that’s called truth in advertising.

      Bible study is the next door over.

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    • SS Says:

      No intent on my part to smack anyone down – but that was an awful lot of explanation about how you wanted her to have him and allegedly did everything you could to have that happen…. then 2 seconds later you’re open to dating him yourself.

      Either you have respect for your friend or you don’t.

      The fact that you entertained this man suggests that you don’t.

      Hopefully this comment, and the others, help you gain insight.

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      • KK Says:

        Eh. To be fair. It sounded like she found this guy attractive but wasn’t flirting back because she knew how much her friend liked him. She was open to dating him if nothing was happening with her friend.It’s not wrong. I can definitely see why the friend would be hurt – dating a guy when you KNOW your friend is super into him.

        The whole thing seems stupid when she didn’t even date the guy.

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      The “repetitious quality” of the advice probably has a lot to do with the fact that people basically ask the same questions over and over again. I just don’t see how it helps anyone to say, “Yes! Keep making the same mistakes/dating the same type of person/using the same strategy that isn’t working.” People take so much of what she says as a personal affront and call it “negative”, because a lot of times it involves getting real and some people don’t want to do that. I mean, sure, she could dole out super-duper-positive “YOU GO GIRL/DUDE!” advice that people would learn absolutely nothing from, but she’s running a business and that business isn’t doling out head-pats.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Here’s a quote from the letter you wrote to me:

      PS–I am a new reader and really love your column’s honesty … I think you really have the pulse of our unique, fast-changing time and place, and so felt you would be the only advice columnist whose insights might actually help.

      So, you loved my “honesty”…until that honesty was turned on you. Then that honesty became boring and repetitious negativity.

      How many calories do you burn back pedaling that fast?

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    • Rosie Says:

      I wouldn’t have a problem if you had told your friend upfront this guy was interested in you. Maybe she wouldn’t have wasted her effort for 2 days over this chump.

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  7. Donnie K Says:

    I don’t know if this was addressed because I skimmed the comments but the LW’s opening sentence speaks volumes:

    “Known this guy a few years and finally gave him a chance.”

    This is a douchey thing to say and… low and behold…she ends up attracting a douche-bag into her life.

    I’m not going to rehash Moxie’s points because I believe they’re spot on and there’s little I could add that hasn’t already been addressed.

    There is something to be said for the “like attracts like” concept. These people don’t just fall out of the sky into our lives. There’s a reason these two have been together for so long.

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