Is Your Sour Attitude Keeping You Single?

sour

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Way Too Tired
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Comment: Ok, so my roomate and I read your site daily and she even wrote once asking about a situation with her (ex) boyfriend. Now is my turn and I feel as clueless as Dater X. Thankfully I’m not as in denial so I’m ready for an impartial honest opinion. I keep reading our age group is on demand but we’re living anything but. I have a couple of concrete examples:

1. This guy in my office building: I’d say we are acquaintances, we sometimes have lunch together and every now and then he’ll give me a ride home since is close-ish to where he lives. He’s flirty as hell, he constantly drops hints as to how single he is and jokes about how “couply” we sometimes are (We are not. Unless being a couple comes down to texting a couple times a week and seeing each other every now and then). He gives all these signs that he’s interested, so for a moment there I thought he’d ask me out. That never happened, so I just simply stopped flirting back and now I hardly ever make contact unless I absolutely need to, which frankly sucks because I have to see him daily and he’s been gaining weight which makes me want to alternately have sex with him and cuddle for days on end. He still shows interest, which to me doesn’t make any sense. Is that just something he does because he’s bored? I’d guess there are better ways to spend his time and he
could easily flirt with someone he’s actually interested in dating.

2.Random guys: Sometimes I’d be out at a play/movie/bar or more often than not at the gym, and some guy would approach me and we’d start talking. In the past these has lead to exchanging numbers, grabbing some coffee, or maybe a drunken make out or whatever. Lately, these guys still randomly just come over, flirt their asses off and then… that is it. They’ll spend an hour talking to me about whatever, buying me drinks and then when I’m leaving they’ll just give me a hug and kind of awkwardly stand there as if waiting for something and that’s it. And again, why in the world would they spend any amount of time with someone they’re not interested in seeing again? Is it just that they’re interested in an immediate one night thing and I somehow look the part so they approach me? I’m guessing that if they were bored with me they wouldn’t stick around for more than a couple of minutes.

3.The online dating guys: this has happened twice already. I’ll match with a guy, conversation flows easily and they suggest a first date at their place. At that moment I’m immediately turned off because I’m not interested at all in someone who thinks “netflix and chill” is a perfectly acceptable first date activity to someone who’s shown no signs of wanting something casual. It’s not like I’m doing anything that could be even remotely reconstructed as sexting. I’d reluctantly agree to meet at whatever public place they propose, then I’ll have a great time because the guy acts normal and then for the second date they suggest their places again, normally I’ll just not respond anymore so they backtrack and try to salvage the conversation, by pretending to have one… and this is the part that frustrates me the most. The “what’s up?” “how was your day” or whatever that leads to absolutely nothing because as soon as I answer and try to have a conversation
I’m met with “nothing lol”.

In fact, last weekend I went on a date that I thought was pretty good and the guy texted me saying he had a great time and that we should watch movies at his house next weekend, I politely rejected him and he went on with the “ntm lol. How’s the whether?”. Am I overreacting? I’ve definitely gone home with strangers and had casual sex in the not so recent past and done some other stuff in the more recent past based on nothing than extreme attraction and a few words, but it’s been because I’ve been absolutely feeling it at the time and right now I’m not feeling going home with a guy I’m only kind of physically attracted to.

I’ve given it a lot of thought, and maybe my analysis is completely skewed by all the douchebags I’ve briefly befriended over the years, but I’m guessing I’m playing out of my league? I’ve always seen it as: guys ask out and put some kind of effort into dating girls who they think are at their level, and they proposition regardless of indicators that she might be interested, absolutely everyone else (I.e: those below) because they don’t mind coming off as creeps in case she rejects them.

I’m completely torn, I see some of my friends all happy and excited because some guy invited them to a fancy restaurant on a first date, feigned intimacy and labeled the relationship right away and I know that’s exactly the kind of delusions I’m not willing to believe, and I really can’t bring myself to believe that inviting someone to your house after daily texts for a week is an acceptable amount of effort to getting to know someone either… but it seems there’s no middle ground.

What the hell am I doing wrong?
Age: 26
City: Milwaukee
State: WI

Well, in the first two scenarios, you seem to be attracting guys regularly and with ease, but it all appears to fall apart when it comes to them closing the deal. Since you’re the only common denominator, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that there’s something in your demeanor that is making them unsure if you’re interested. Based on this letter you sound kind of annoyed and impatient. If you’re just standing there looking at these guys all expectant and not giving an inch, that could be why they aren’t asking you out.

Something in those conversations is making these men think twice about asking you out. Going forward, if you sense that things are going well, then throw a feeler out like, “We should get a drink sometime.” Then give them your number and let them do the rest. You’re not overtly asking them out by suggesting you meet for a drink. You’re letting them know you’re interested. Let them pick up that ball and run with that from that point on.

As for the online dating guys, yes, if they’re asking you over to their place on the first or second date, it’s safe to say they’re just looking to hook-up. Do not even bother “reluctantly agreeing” to meet somewhere else. They’re not interested. They’re showing you what they want by asking you over to their place on a first date. Don’t expend any further energy engaging after that. Seriously, just stop responding. You’re wasting your time.

The tone of this letter makes you sound jaded and sour. That, too, is a hurdle you’re going to have to overcome. If I can smell that kind of attitude in your letter, then these guys are definitely picking up on it.

I’ve always seen it as: guys ask out and put some kind of effort into dating girls who they think are at their level,

The men in category one and two are making effort to date you. They’re tripping over themselves to flirt with you. You’re just not making much effort in return. That’s the problem.

Look, dating is harder than it has ever been. I get it. But you can’t just stand there staring at these guys willing them to ask you out. Make a move. Do something. Say something. Stop waiting for them to lay down their jacket so you can cross over  a puddle.

You have to meet them half-way.

 

Thoughts?

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5 Responses to “Is Your Sour Attitude Keeping You Single?”

  1. BTownGirl Says:

    I’ve been here and was in such a mental funk that guys were practically serving up genuine interest on a platter and I just didn’t see it. OP, are you stressed out or feeling blah in general? Do what I like to call a Full Attitude Reset and you’ll see all the guys dying to date you! Good luck!! :)

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  2. Francesca Says:

    I completely agree with your point and actually I have a friend who used to be in that kind of situation – she is very pretty, so guys would go and try and talk to her, but she was just stand-off-ish and not giving off good vibes. Hun, nobody’s gonna come asking for your hand in marriage after twenty minutes. Relax a bit.

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  3. mxf Says:

    I agree with Moxie – enthusiasm counts for a lot. You don’t need to become some ridiculous caricature of yourself, but if there is anything in your demeanour that comes across as remotely aloof, it could continue to be a stumbling block, in that people won’t continue to pursue in the face of perceived lack of interest on your part.

    I think we’ve all had go-nowhere conversations online, and it does get a bit less frustrating if you let those guys go immediately and have faith that there are other ones to meet right after them. I’m open to a bit of fun back-and-forth, but if it doesn’t feel like it’s building to a “you seem fun, would you like to get a drink” moment, there’s probably a reason and it’s maybe not a great investment of energy to find out why. If you over-think too many of those situations, it’s easy to become bogged down with negativity, and that does become a mindset that others pick up on. Good luck!

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  4. Dave Says:

    I’ll offer an analogy that I learned from my years of Ballroom dancing. The question “why won’t anyone ask me to dance?” is a common one. Usually when we ask this person what they are doing at the dance the reply is that they are sitting at a table, waiting for someone to ask them but hardly anyone does. Hmm.

    Indeed. I’ve seen this more times than I can count at social dances. Ladies, sometimes in groups sitting at a table, frowning, playing with their phones, etc. Sitting. Not engaging anyone. Just saw some girls doing this last weekend…in fact they all grabbed a bunch of extra chairs so they could group themselves together in a corner…and sure enough, very few men approached them for a dance.

    The advice that myself and other experienced dancers give out is always the same. Don’t sit down and wait for the men to come to you. Stand up and put yourself near the dance floor. Tap your foot…groove a little on your own to show you’re there to have fun – and when you see a guy nearby…SMILE…make eye contact with him and if you do this enough, you’ll get those dances. You’re meeting them half way and the smart men will pick up on this immediately. And if there’s enough guys around and you keep up the positive attitude (knowing how to dance helps too), they might just start tripping over themselves to dance with you. ;)

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