If He Dumped Her Why Are They Still Having Sex?


Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Elizabeth

Comment: Hello. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me about a month ago and his reasons were… questionable. I mean, they made no sense. He was making up things and just, they weren’t actual reasons. I don’t know how else to explain without writing a 10 page paper. Anyways, the break up was not a clean one. It was a BAD one. Really messy… not good. Left me heartbroken. Kept telling myself its over for good, hes out of your life, move on, don’t contact him, etc. Unfortunately, I am not a smart women when it comes to break-ups, nor am I a strong one either. I caved a lil over a week later and emailed him (assuming my # is probably blocked) and he responded with just a one sentence email. Nothing moving, or worth any thoughts of maybe it working out.

So, I dont contact him anything after that, but a week later, he sends me a friend request on Facebook. I leave it pending and few days later (monday night) I decide to email him again. He responds and we email back and forth for a bit, but all his responses to anything were very dark.. and depressing and angry. So I leave it alone and dont push anymore.

Well… spiraling into a dark hole myself leads me to trying to see him very late that tuesday night, & of course, I dont. He was sleeping and I was making a fool of myself going over there anyways.

I dont hear anything from him the next day or so until randomly that Thursday night. I went on a date with someone I had met through okcupid (wasnt a very good date either) and I decide to see if maybe my ex is home and hopefully see him. As i’m just getting close to his place, I check my inbox at a red light and he had emailed me 15 mins earlier asking “how i would like to meet up for a movie, dinner, beers… whatever?”

I am practically at his place when I see this, so we do end up hanging out for a couple hours, had some dinner and just catching up. He kisses me towards the end and we cuddle for a little and just lay with each other, but didnt have sex. I leave shortly after since it was already pretty late.

I dont try contacting him at all afterwards and when he doesnt either I figure, all right.. that was that and just that. Move on.
But he does end up emailing me later that evening inviting me over to watch a movie. I end up going over there and we watch the movie, but then we end up sleeping together. And it was really nice and intimate and loving. I stay the night and we go out to breakfast that morning and it’s really good feeling.

As I am leaving his place after, he talks about hanging out the next day. Nothing set in stone, no set time and place or anything. But it was his idea and seemed like he wanted to. We email a couple times throughout the day after I get home and before going to bed he emails me saying “maybe we can still do something” in regards for tomorrow. I respond yes and go to bed.

I wake up the next day late (kinda had the feeling I actually wasnt going to hear from him) and I was right. Around 1 pm I email him, not anything in relation to our plans, but just to see if he’d even write back and if he still wanted to hang out or not…

He does a while later but cancelling because of chores he needed to do, but also asks “…can we try again tomorrow for a date? maybe dinner?”

I have responded yet. Should I even respond? If so… how should I? I dont know what to do… because I was a little butt hurt about him cancelling but I also know situations like this, between exes, takes time and patience if theres any hope of possibly getting back together. What do I do, in regards to answering this email?
Age: 26
City: Miami
State: FL


I mean, you can respond to him, but you’re playing right into his hand. Dude, he broke up with you. You even said his reasons were suspect. Now, just a few weeks later, he’s got you on the ropes. Meanwhile, what do you think he’s doing when he’s not with you?

I’m going to guess that he ended the relationship not because he was tired of you but because he wanted to be single. But here’s the rub: he wants to get laid. He breaks up with you then realizes that the whole being single thing wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. Now he has to go back to square one with another woman and do all the work he did before when he was wooing you. By contacting him after the split, you let him know you’re still hanging on. That was all the encouragement he needed. He jumped at the opportunity to get you back in bed.

Now he gets the best of both worlds. He gets sex without commitment from you and he gets the freedom to date other people. With you there’s no hoop jumping. He gets the sex with little effort. That’s the point of circling back to you now: he can get laid without all the headaches that come with getting a woman to sleep with him and still date other people. He’s cancelling and rescheduling and cancelling because he doesn’t want to be obligated. That was the reason for the split. The minute he saw things going back in that direction he put the relationship in reverse by not following through on tentative plans. He wants to be able to call you up when he feels like getting together and that’s it. He doesn’t want to be on the hook anymore.

Elizabeth, he dumped you. People don’t do that unless they’re done with a relationship. You’re making it extremely easy for him to ease back into the single life at his own pace. You’re chasing him and showing up at his house (which is creepy, btw) and sleeping with him without nary a conversation about why he had a change of heart in the first place.


You can keep doing it, but just be prepared for the day he tells you he’s met someone else, because that day is coming.




Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)


One on One Dating Profile Review

Get a 45 minute one on one review of your profile with me.  I’ll go over your picture selection and ad text and let you know if your profile includes any buzz words or red flags. I’ll also help you tweak/write your profile if it needs some freshening up.


  • *Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)
  • *Assistance with editing and re-writes.
  • *Photo selection and review.
  • *Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
  • *Site selections  and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
  • *Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$55 (Use code BLOG to save $10)


Eventbrite - Master Match.com & OKCupid

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
, , , , ,

20 Responses to “If He Dumped Her Why Are They Still Having Sex?”

  1. BTownGirl Says:

    Someone who breaks up with their partner and, knowing the now-former partner is really hurting, goes ahead and tries to get what they can from the person knowing full well that they are going to hurt them again is not a very nice person at all. You don’t want this guy back, Elizabeth! Block his number, his email and whatever social media he’s on (and for chrissakes, no going past his house) and focus on things that make you happy. Hang out with your girlfriends, buy yourself something nice, take up a new hobby, do whatever you have to do to distract yourself until you’re feeling better. Because no matter how sh*tty you feel now, there will come a day (because there ALWAYS does), when you’re like, “HIM? I was so crazy about HIM?” You’re 26 in one of the most fun cities on earth, with some of the best-looking dudes on earth – enjoy it, girl!!

    • Eliza Says:

      I agree with BTownGirl…and Moxie’s projection…of what will occur eventually–and apparently he could care less about setting you free to move on…he was callous to you while you were dating…and continues to be that way, afterwards. Why? Because with some people, this type of thoughtless behavior will go on and on, until you put your foot down and have some self-respect. Block his number, and all social media contacts where he is. Block, block, and block…cut the cord….and be the one in the driver’s seat…because you are the one that is allowing this to take control over you. I agree…concentrate on you and what makes you happy (without regrets the next day)…spend time with those that actually care about you…your girlfriends, seek solace with them and your family if need be. Take a damn vacation…anything, but seek him out. You are young, and in a very vibrant city…that day where he is just a faint memory will come, but only if you are patient with yourself, and give it a chance. Healing takes time.
      Be well.

  2. SS Says:

    Why are you chasing after a guy, period. But specifically a guy who has treated you disrespectfully and callously?

    I totally get the craziness that follows a break up – we’ve all been there. But what you are doing is toxic and just protracts the time needed to heal. You may want to get back together, that’s not on offer. It’s also far too soon to be friends.

    If either of these options apply, you still need a “no contact” break in order to reset and recalibrate. Realize that part of the pain of a breakup is actually just from the change, not because that person was so great. Remind yourself of all the things that weren’t working (so well) and be sure to get some good quality R&R and socialising with friends and family. Now is the time to focus on you and your recovery from the split.

    The very earliest you should consider having contact again is after 60-90 days. How can he miss you if you don’t go away? Give him time to get his sh*t together and realise the grass is not greener. You can also spend that time dating yourself and seeing that there are PLENTY of fish in the sea.

    That way if he does come sniffing around again, you can engage with him from a position of power and realism, and not weakness and rose colored glasses.

  3. Robyn Says:

    Question: “If He Dumped Her Why Are They Still Having Sex?”
    Answer: Because He Can! Because She is Allowing It (heck, instigating it, by the sounds of it).

    Dear Elizabeth – DUMP this user! Cease any and all contact with him. He will scr*w you over literally and figuratively so long as you have any contact with him. And so long as you have any contact with him, you will continue to be sucked in mentally & emotionally by him – which means you won’t have any space in your mind or heart for some one else who WILL appreciate you and want you for more than a convenient back-stop while they look around for some one better.

    Block his phone number & e-mail addresses. De-friend him on social networks. If there are any of his possessions in your house/apartment, toss them out or box them up & send them to him. Erase him completely from your physical & digital surroundings so that you aren’t triggered by seeing his photo’s or tweets or FB status updates.

    I know it’s easier said than done, but the sooner you cut ties completely, the better off you will be.

  4. Jesse Says:

    I appreciate Moxie’s statement “he can get laid without all the headaches that come with trying to get a woman to sleep with him”

  5. Timothy Horrigan Says:

    He probably thinks he’s back together with you. It ‘s just that simple.

    • BTownGirl Says:

      People in relationships don’t communicate through email.

      • Mandy Says:

        While I don’t think people flirt and make short-term plans in email, lots of people in relationships email each other all the time. I’m one of them. Nobody has the time for a phone call, and texting requires the constant back-and-forth and only short bursts of information. Email lets you say hi and tell the other person how your day’s going, and see if they need anything at the store on your way home from work, for example. Nothing wrong with email! Especially if you’re both sitting at desks in offices all day with your email open in front of you.

      • Timothy Horrigan Says:

        Men tend to view sex and the fun other things people do during a romantic relationship as the main point of the relationship. Commitment with a capital C is (generally) viewed as a means to an end, not as the end in and of itself.

        This guy is still getting to do those things, so he’s happy— happy enough to keep coming back, at least. Maybe that’s not how he’s supposed to feel, but that is still how he feels. The problem is that the other party doesn’t share those feelings.

        • fuzzilla Says:

          There’s a difference between “this guy’s getting what he wants, so he’s good” (agreed) and “this guy thinks he’s back together with her.” He dumped her and he knows he’s using her.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      **He probably thinks he’s back together with you. It ‘s just that simple.**

      If he really thought that, he would just say it. Moxie’s right, he thinks she’s easy pickin’s for sex. If she keeps putting up with his crap it’s the beginning/continuation of an ugly spiral.

      • K Says:

        I agree. In my experience myself and most friends have had to go through this once to get what’s happening. I remember in my 20s buying this narrative that if hes still taking me on dates and sleeping w/me post-break we are on path to getting back together….no. If that was the case you’d be having that conversation. If you just ask the hard question, wait did you realize we could work on this and be together again, you’ll hear the truth. A lot of guys (I can’t speak for women b/c I don’t date them), sort of fly under the radar as in they haven’t promised anything and maybe she’s down with sex too (I assume that’s how the rationalize it). Its a lot of cognitive dissonance for the newly dumped, one day this person loves you and trusts you and now they know you are heart broken why would they even give you that hope just to have sex?….yup sadly happens all the time.

      • Eliza Says:

        Well, the OP IS in fact an easy target….not only is she responding so quickly and with such availability – but she is pursuing him by exhibiting stalking-like behavior. Why do people do what they do? Because they can. People only treat you in the manner in which you allow them to.

  6. mxf Says:

    It’s an ugly reality that breaking up can feel bad for both parties, even the one doing the dumping, and sometimes it feels momentarily better to commiserate together than push through the pain and unhappiness apart. But believe this, OP: if he broke up with you, he has a massive head start on the wanting-to-be-apart. He’s been thinking of breaking it off, weighing the decision, looking for evidence to support that decision… even if he’s not a terrible, manipulate monster, he’s at best just struggling a little with saying goodbye to the your two-year relationship, but only because it’s a normal response, not likely because he’s reconsidering. He’s going to feel better, and soon, and this will just prolong your own unhappiness. Break-ups are the worst but don’t let his knee-jerk desire for creature comforts get in the way of caring for your own heart.

  7. wishing u well Says:

    I’ve so been here in the OP’s shoes, and it hurt. 2 years is a long time. I know that you still love him, but please cut him off. The emotional turmoil is not worth it, and keep in mind that he is over being exclusive with you or being your man. The fact that he is using you so blatantly is telling of his character, because a good person would just leave you alone and set a firm boundary regarding interactions. There may be the one time, but this person appears to be actively trying to keep you on back burner status. Whoever he was so excited about flamed out. I believe he left you for a specific Plan B that he did not want to risk you finding out about and vice versa. This hurts, and I’m sorry. But the truth is – right now he’s loving himself and putting himself first. You are loving him and putting him first. Where does that leave you? Make yourself your own priority – start with the golden rule. Only accept those in your life that treat you the way you want to be treated. Allow yourself to heal, treat yourself well, and be sure to take care of yourself. I wish you well.

  8. Yvonne Says:

    The simple fact that you aren’t comfortable enough to ASK HIM what he is doing and thinking is a bad sign. When you met up again for the first time post-break-up and hung out, why didn’t you ask questions then? I think you’re afraid to hear the answers and you’re hoping you’ll just get back together. But without honest conversation about the future of this relationship (if there is one), getting back together or seeing each other is a bad idea.

  9. Mich Says:

    Why hasnt anyone admitted she wanted sex too! If he had written the letter how would we have viewed her then He didnt have to ask her for sex either of the 2 dates It happened on the 2nd date because she wanted it. Maybe next time she sees him she doesnt have sex and extend the getting back together stage to see if he continues to call Maybe he saw not that she was easy but mayb he F’d up So STOP having sex with him and do the activities both of them enjoyed together This way she can find out if he is for real!!

  10. BostonRobin Says:

    Ugh. LW, this guy is bad news. Moxie and others have pointed out this major character flaw of his, so please do NOT hold out hope that he might see the light some day and come crawling back.

    You do not want this sort of person as a partner!

    From what I gather in your letter, he seems selfish, manipulative, and emotionally dishonest–even to himself. He did you a favor by revealing himself to you. Thank him for it (not in words to him, but to yourself) and consider it a lesson learned and a bullet dodged.

    I’ve been in similar situations and it pains me to read your account. Really the only way for you to move on is to go No Contact on him, but in such a way that it sends a message to him to leave you alone, period. Abandon the notion that NC will make him miss you. It took me a long time to learn this, but the most effective NC is the kind that is all about you and your needs.

    This is a situation where you might want to take a few weeks off from dating to allow your emotions to settle so you don’t relapse from one bad OkC date.

    Some people we need to go cold turkey from. They trigger something deep inside and their presence in our lives becomes toxic. He knows what he did, so no explanation necessary for why you suddenly vanish. Hey, he dumped YOU with no reasonable explanation. Why don’t you take care of yourself now, treat yourself with the love and respect that he has not shown you.

  11. Jef Says:

    Why does he still want sex? DUH!!!

© 2013-2018 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved