Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): AskYourWife
Comment: How come I only seem to get approached by either physically or emotionally unavailable men? The only 3 types that ever seem interested (in person or online) are 1. in a relationship, 2. looking for someone temporarily before their next relationship, or 3. players looking for a buffet of girls to choose from
I think there’s a fourth type of man that you’re leaving off your list:
The guy who is none of the things you described above but, for whatever reason, doesn’t do it for you.
Statements like, “I only meet this kind of person” or “OKCupid/Tinder is just for hook-ups” are dangerous in that they get repeated so often that people begin to take them as universal truths. But they’re not.
Tinder is not just a hook-up app. OKCupid is not just for people looking for casual sex. You do not only get hit on by unavailable men. These are myths perpetuated by people who haven’t figured out that they’re shooting out of their league, are outrageously cynical, or don’t bring enough to the table to attract the people they want. Period. When frustrated people run to their blogs or twitter accounts and rant about some douchey email or text they got from a person they met online, what they’re actually doing is trying to make it out like the problem is everybody else but them. This is why I exert a heavy sigh and strain the muscles in my eyes rolling them every time I see someone publicizing their dating failures.
Here’s the bottom line, AYW: Your picker is broken. Your lid isn’t the right fit for their pot. Choose whichever cutesy euphemism you like but they all boil down to the same thing.
The problem is you.
Either you are exclusively attracted to asswipes OR your internal radar is so wonky that you make snap judgements about every guy you meet. I don’t trust anybody who says that “everybody” they meet is a gold digger or just looking to get laid. Statistically, that just doesn’t seem possible. A person who claims to exclusively encounter a specific type of person or situation is either exaggerating or so jaded and defensive that the slightest, tiniest infraction gets a date thrown in the reject pile.
I’m truly interested to know what constitutes “just looking for a hook-up” or “he’s a player” or “she’s just looking for a free meal” as I hear those things all the time. After years of writing this column I am conditioned to side-eye a statements like this.
Nobody wants to hear me say this, but I’ll say it anyway: there’s comes a point where you either need to prepare to seriously compromise your standards or accept that you might not find the love of your life. Brutal? Harsh? Depressing? Okay, I guess. Depends on your outlook, I suppose. Half-full versus half-empty and all that. For the record, this goes for men and women equally.
Last week I had a session with a man in his late forties. You would have thought he was no older than early thirties, no joke. He said to me – a 46 year old women – that he just doesn’t find women his age attractive. He wants to date a woman who can go dancing with him, and none of the women his age “look” the type.
“I’ve seen pictures of you, though,” he said. “Your skin…you look great. You don’t look your age.”
I see what you did there, bro. You thought that taking a swipe at women my age would be okay as long as you separated me out from the pack. Nope. For those of you playing at home, comments like that are RU-HUDE!
Let me tell you something: I’m well aware of how good I look “for my age.” I don’t need some rando dude blowing smoke up my skirt. As I explained, there are LOTS of women who “look good for their age” in this city. Lots of them. Thousands upon thousands, in fact. But he has that mental threshold in his head about women of a certain age, so nothing I say will convince him. He wants someone younger because he perceives himself to be younger than he is. That kind of poisonous thinking is why there are so many men and women running around like chickens with their heads cut off baffled that they can’t find a partner.
And it only gets worse as you get older, OP. So, until you do some real introspection, you’re going to keep meeting these “unavailable” men and discarding the guys who probably could offer you the relationship you seek.
But you don’t want to hear that. Real talk: the odds are against you strictly because you’re a woman in your forties. So you can either swim against the tide and – with impressive regularity – meet men who for whatever reason don’t want to to commit to you OR you can make some concessions.
You might hear “settle” somewhere in that advice, and I suppose that is the gist what I’m saying. More accurately, I’m suggestion that you attempt to recalibrate your tuner a bit, because the current direction in which it is set is pointing you in the wrong direction.
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