Why Some Men Reject Offers Of Casual Sex

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Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): BEETLES

Comment: Dear Moxie,

I am somewhat puzzled by my recent experience. I had a good friend for long and we both knew we liked each other but never gave it importance. Both of us are married.He with a child. All of a sudden we started to chat much and more personally and cordially that ended up in dating.  We had 2 great dates and then I started to feel mentally attached to him somewhat when he clearly told me he could progress this relation if no expectation from both side occurs.

Here I want to tell something , I am married for 1 year and my husband and I still dint make up as he has physical problems.Very recently he is undergoing treatment. All these months I am living sexless marriage and have waited patiently. I told about this problem to that person but clearly could not tell I need his sexual support. Whatever, He was extremely passionate and very eager to continue this after 2nd date. But then a fight broke down between us and he was pissed off. He started to pull back.

I realized that the third date is not happening, and that I am being “friend zoned”. Perhaps he thought I would be dependent on him which he told me repetitively he doesn’t want that.
Then I offered him “sex and friendship” saga But he declined saying that as of now he is mentally tired for his office pressure and many a things and he is not being able to think about this relation in this mental condition . He told that right now his priority is different. He also told another reason was that day’s fight. He told that ”as of now” he can’t think about it. He is not sure about later whether his urge will return or not.

I was baffled by this situation as I did not want it to end suddenly and I am not sure why a guy  esp who long has liked(simple likeliness may be) me would turn down casual sex offer? and what does mean by “as of now” . Is he keeping this chance alive or just consoling me . One more thing he was emphasizing this many times “I don’t want to bitter our friendship but this type of relationship can increase bitterness”.Is there any chance of this relation to get ignited again or I am daydreaming? I need help.
Age: 30
City: Noida
State: Delhi

 

We had 2 great dates and then I started to feel mentally attached to him somewhat when he clearly told me he could progress this relation if no expectation from both side occurs.

 

Boom. There’s your answer.  He told you he didn’t want to get involved if it meant either of you (well, you) would develop expectations. That was a warning shot. He was communicating to you his concerns, likely because he sensed you would do exactly what you did and develop an attachment.

Hence why he’s backing off. Men are not driven by their penises. Many of them are more than capable of assessing a situation that involves “no strings” sex and saying, “No thanks.” While the initial pleasure might be great, in the long run the drama will not be worth it. He’s married. (As are you, a fact you seem to be glossing over here.) He doesn’t want to get involved with a woman who is going to further complicate his life, even if there is “no strings” sex on the table. He wants simple. You are not simple.

Your confusion stems from the belief that all men will accept and take advantage of any offer of casual sex because they’re men. You believe men are so sex-driven that they are incapable of rational thought at the mere mention of an available vagina. Not true. That’s a myth and a stereotype. What most men are acutely attune to is possible drama, and if they get even a whiff of that, many of them will back away. Some won’t, but they’re usually dysfunctional or inexperienced in some way.

Here’s the other caveat: the casual sex being offered actually has to be casual. Based on their experience, which may or may not be reflective of reality, many men side-eye offers of “casual” sex. To many of them, that’s a trap, a trick, a slight of hand. In the past, they have agreed to such indecent proposals and found themselves on the other end of  a bait and switch. In order for a man to take such an offer at face value, he needs to have had enough experiences where these arrangements have not led to conflict in order to move forward. Unfortunately for many women who are perfectly capable of no strings sex, that hasn’t been most men’s experience. So, when a woman extends such an invitation, she is looked upon with suspicious eyes. Not only do men wonder what the woman might have up her sleeve, they question why the woman has to be so overt about wanting it.  Many men believe a woman can get laid any time she likes, therefore there’s no need to be so upfront. That’s why they don’t trust that the offer is genuine.

Perhaps he thought I would be dependent on him which he told me repetitively he doesn’t want that.

Yes, and you know why he continued to tell you this? Because he was sensing that you were becoming attached. People don’t offer such disclaimers for no reason. They do it because they feel the disclaimer applies to that situation.

One more thing he was emphasizing this many times “I don’t want to bitter our friendship but this type of relationship can increase bitterness”.

He’s saying this to soften the blow. I doubt your friendship is that high on his priority list. I mean, he’s cheating on his wife. That should tell you how he feels about honoring the bonds of a relationship. You’re  a fun diversion for him but that’s about it. Nobody actually fears losing a friendship to romantic feelings or physical attraction. That’s something people say because that’s less hurtful than,” I’m not attracted to you” or “You are far too bat shit crazy for me to deal with.” When people express concern over whether or not to make a move on a friend, what they’re really fretting about is whether or not that friend returns their interest. If not, the friend probably won’t have any problems maintaining the relationship. The rejected person, however, will feel embarrassed.

I’m not sure what the impetus to your marriage was, but I would think your focus should be on your partner. Not some guy who is showing you attention when he feels like it and retreating when he gets bored.

 

Thoughts?

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9 Responses to “Why Some Men Reject Offers Of Casual Sex”

  1. Ben Iyyar Says:

    Moxie, as a man I appreciate your sensitivity and understanding regarding us. It made me feel good to read your remarks that most of us men are guided by consideration and principles in our dealings with women. Far more often we men are ridiculed as driven by our genitals all the time, and as lacking but the most shallow insight or empathy. Most of the men I have been friends with or have just known have been pretty decent, responsible, and just plain nice guys. Moxie, your positive and realistic appraisal of men is part of why I find your blog so worthwhile!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 26 Thumb down 1

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  2. Howard Says:

    There are many reasons men refuse sex. One can go through the list, but really, there is no need to do that. In fact men refuse sex all the time. It just happens that most of the time they do that, it’s after they have already had sex with a woman on a previous occasion. But that should clue you in right there. Some also get around to refusing first time sex. Ladies, here’s a short list of reasons why guys will refuse you sex.

    1. He doesn’t find you that sexually appealing.
    2. He has other opportunities for sex with other women
    3. He figured you out to be potentially too much trouble.

    There are other reasons. But that short list covers maybe 90% of the refusing. And often enough, it’s some combination of two or three of those reasons.

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  3. natalie Says:

    What about the oh so remote possibility that he doesn’t want to sleep with her because they are BOTH MARRIED! Duh! Maybe the two dates weren’t even really dates but more as two friends hanging out in his mind? And when she mentioned sex to him he was probably like, WTF and thrown off guard.

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    • Katie Says:

      THIS! The entire time I was reading this post, I kept wondering if the OP was for real or not. She’s married, and he’s married, and she’s wondering why he’s not clamoring for sex with her?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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  4. Nia Says:

    I’m not an expert on Indian culture by any means (and I’m assuming the writer is Indian, not an expat living in India) but I do know from dating several different Indian men when I lived in Asia that the attitude towards ‘stepping out’ on a marriage is a bit different than in the US. It’s technically frowned on but many people will look the other way or accept it as part of life since marriages are much less about love and more about practical matters, and arranged marriages are still a way of life.

    Having said that, cheating still complicates things and that is probably part of the reason that the man in question is declining to pursue a FWB arrangement.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 4

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  5. Donnie K Says:

    It sounds like this guy simply doesn’t want to screw up his marriage. More important, it also sounds like the LW is allowing the issues withing her marriage to cloud her judgement.

    Be thankful he rejected your overtures. You’ll both be happier in the long run.

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  6. ? Says:

    Thing is, if a man is not interested in sex with a woman because he is not sexually attracted, she is potentially too much trouble and he has other options, then why oh why is he spending time with her in the first place???? Unless he is a bi-polar case who cannot say No to a woman’s request for dates yet mentally strong enough to reject sex with her, or he is a total jerk&^%$ for taking advantage of a woman’s attraction to get free meals and entertainment off her ????? The latter seems unlikely as I don’t any woman who would, like many men, pay for a man with no prospect of sex/relationship.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      I asked something similar to this before and Moxie said, “Some men just really, really like attention.” It seemed really bizarre to me, but when I thought about it and people that I’ve known, I was like, “Yup.”

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  7. Jef Says:

    I am a guy who will have sex with almost anything with two arms, two legs, two bumps, three holes and a heartbeat. I am nearly certain a former co-worker was very interested in me, but I kept her at arms length. I didn’t like her and thought she was a potential stalker.

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