How Come He Seems Less Interested After Sex?

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Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): ThatGirl
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Comment: I met a guy online.  We communicated quite a bit via text and phone calls for a few days before we met in person. First meeting went great and we had a very strong instant connection!  He lives 70 miles from me so we made plans for me to go to his house and  then out on our 2nd date.  We had a really great time together that ended up with amazing sex and I spent the night at his house.  After that, communication was minimal.  I’d get 1 to 2 word texts daily but didn’t get a phone call from him for 5 days. When I mentioned the lack of communication he said he’d been traveling for work (which he’d told me he was going to be) and that he doesn’t have a lot of time to chat when he’s on business trips.  As soon as he returned from out of town we made plans for me to go spend the weekend at his house, which I did.  Again, amazing connection…amazing sex….we’re both obviously into each other and he made numerous comments referencing the possibility of a future together.  And then the 1 and 2 word texts start again.  No calls for about 3 days.  Again, I mentioned it, but not in a needy way, just that I’m really glad to hear from him and that I’d been looking forward to talking to him.  He told me to relax, he’s not a huge communicator and that I should not turn it into something negative by trying to read into it.  He said our focus should be on how/if we can turn this into a long term thing for us and not whether or not he called today.

Here’s my thinking….if a guy is into you, he calls.  If he’s just kind of playing around, he’ll leave a small trail of bread crumbs (1-2 word texts) just in case he decides to go back down that road sometime.  I’ll admit I’m puzzled by the references of a future because he didn’t even bring any of that up until after we slept together…wasn’t like he was saying it to get in my pants!

There’s a part of me that thinks I’ve been so burned in the past that I don’t even know when someone might really like me.  There’s another part of me that thinks if he was truly into me then I wouldn’t be waiting around for the phone to ring… any ideas?
Age: 39
City: Dallas

First meeting went great and we had a very strong instant connection!

Again, amazing connection…amazing sex….we’re both obviously into each other

Oh? And how do you know that? You’re not in his head, therefore you have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling. You’re just projecting your thoughts and feelings on to him. When people start making assumptions like this, that is the first sign of trouble to come. You can not be certain of what another person is truly thinking or feeling at any given moment.

He told me to relax, he’s not a huge communicator

Orly? Because he certainly seemed like a huge communicator before he slept with you. It was only after he slept with you did he suddenly decide he wasn’t big on the whole “talking in between times we have sex” thing. The guy got on the phone with you multiple times before you met. Yet, after he gets into your pants, he’s suddenly not big on communicating. Okay. Sure.

He told me to relax, he’s not a huge communicator and that I should not turn it into something negative by trying to read into it.

Everything about this statement makes me stabby. Yes, don’t read into the fact that his behavior did a one hundred and eighty degree shift after he ejaculated, you crazy, silly, emotional woman.

I’ll admit I’m puzzled by the references of a future because he didn’t even bring any of that up until after we slept together…wasn’t like he was saying it to get in my pants!

He was saying it to continue to get into your pants. Conversations about “the future” after 2 or 3 dates are an immediate warning sign that something is off. Nobody is that sure of anything at that point. While 70 miles between you two isn’t exactly huge, it is far enough that you have to wonder why either one of you are making the effort rather than choosing someone who lives closer. Dallas is a big city. Surely you can find someone who is more geographically convenient.

There’s another part of me that thinks if he was truly into me then I wouldn’t be waiting around for the phone to ring… any ideas?

Well, to be fair, few people actually talk on the phone anymore. Nowadays everybody is keeping in touch electronically – texting, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Unless something is really pressing, I don’t need to talk to them on the phone. I can get caught up on what’s going on in my friend’s lives by looking at their Facebook page. So, the not calling thing isn’t the red flag you think it is. Again, I will stress why chatting so much before you meet someone isn’t the best idea as it builds false expectations. Sure, a guy will call you before you meet because he knows that’s a hoop many guys need to jump in order to meet you. But after that? Nah. Most guys  – most people, really – just aren’t big on talking on the phone. Texting is the best you’re going to get at this point.

He said our focus should be on how/if we can turn this into a long term thing for us and not whether or not he called today.

Pay close attention to that statement, because he’s telling you something very important. He’s planting a seed. Now, after talking of the future, he’s expressing some doubts. Huh. Who saw that coming?

I assure you the topic of distance will be raised in the near future, like when he tells you things aren’t working. Which is funny, because you’ve always lived 70 miles apart. That’s not anything new. If he didn’t think the long distance thing could work, then why did he even bother to meet you in the first place?

One or two word texts are just rude. Period. If he can’t manage to string together a couple of sentences, that should tell you where you fall on his priority list. That said, you expecting him to be a Chatty Cathy and hop on the phone with you to gab away this early in the game is also unreasonable. You have that expectation because you’ve built this…whatever this is…up in your head, what with the crazy awesome connection and all. It seems to me, judging by his actions, he’s not feeling the intense chemistry and connection that you are.

He’s offering you bare minimum effort at this point. It’s up to you if you want to decide to take it.

 

Thoughts?

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9 Responses to “How Come He Seems Less Interested After Sex?”

  1. Mark Says:

    To me, this is the crux of what you are saying:

    “Here’s my thinking….if a guy is into you, he calls. If he’s just kind of playing around, he’ll leave a small trail of bread crumbs (1-2 word texts) just in case he decides to go back down that road sometime.”

    Occam’s razor- principles of parsimony…. Simplest reason is usually (but not always) is usually the one to go with.

    Down in your neck of the words there is a saying… “All hat no cattle.”

    No calls for two/three days? One word texts?

    I really don’t think I have to go much further.

    His actions have answered for you.

    Sorry, but that’s my take on things.

    Best to move on.

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  2. yb Says:

    i think the analysis provided on the gentleman is very good. now do you think you can find someone to help analyze you? you are traveling 70 miles to hook up with this guy. and your email is full of anxiety already. talking to professional like a therapist might really be beneficial. it doesn’t sound like you are in a good place. best of luck.

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  3. Missy Says:

    In my opinion/experience, it really doesn’t matter what his communication/lack of communication “means”… It matters how it feels/whether it works for you. People have recommended the book Attached here before, and this situation is exactly the kind of thing that book explains. It transformed dating for me because it gave me what felt like magic powers to understand and predict this type of behavior from men, as well as my feelings in response to it.
    Once I could get that perspective, I could decide what I wanted to do about the situation. In this case, I’d say that this guy was interested in you partly because you live far away — close enough to travel for sex and connection every couple of weeks, not close enough for real companionship, and a convenient excuse to give for why it ultimately won’t work out. For me the intense communication before meeting/before sex became a clue that the guy would cool off or disappear as soon as we’d had sex. Talking about the future too early is a big clue too. And telling you not to “overthink” or whatever is literally a script the book gives as an example if what someone with avoidant attachment style is likely to say.
    So I definitely recommend that you check the book out. I still go back and read it when I get confused or upset by a guys behavior. In fact, I’ve come to realize that I can sort of figure out if a guy has an avoidant style by how I feel in the early stages of dating.
    If the sex is that great and you’re ok with this not lasting long or meeting your need for communication and connection, you could decide to go ahead and enjoy it while it lasts. But if it’s going to continue to bother you that he doesn’t communicate, and especially if you’re going to be upset when he disappers and/or dumps you… Then I think you should cut this off and find someone closer who treats you well and doesn’t send mixed messages.
    Good luck! It feels terrible to be in this situation but I do think we can learn to spot it before we get too tangled up in it. I’d say this blog and that book are the two best resources ice found to help me see things clearly and stay focused on finding what works for me.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      Another dating blog/”expert” said that a sign of a healthy connection that will turn into something more serious, is the absence of anxiety (he calls when he said he would, communicates clearly, etc…). In other words if you’re feeling anxiety, and there is a total lack of clarity, sorry but most likely nothing is going to come of it.

      If you’re looking for a relationship the fact of the matter is you have to be a bit more careful…and not just sleep with any random guy and think that it means it’s a “relationship”…just because you had sex…

      Like the commenter said above, if you are looking for a relationship, when you find an “avoidant” type of man, RUN. Avoidants are time-wasters by nature. He is not going to change and will not become your – or anyone’s – serious partner.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **In my opinion/experience, it really doesn’t matter what his communication/lack of communication “means”… It matters how it feels/whether it works for you.**

      Yup. Sounds like that Attached book might be relevant to friendships as well, like how to quickly recognize the sorts of people who are just too different from you to be close with/bother with at all (assuming you’ve wanted to and tried and have been frustrated).

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  4. thatgirl Says:

    Have to admit…my intuition about this situation has been exactly in line with all the comments. My hope was that someone, even just 1 of you, would say I might be awfulizing and over thinking so I wouldn’t have to come to terms with what my gut already knows to be true.
    On the bright side…I had a couple weekends of amazing sex! Not mad about that at all.

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  5. Bill Says:

    “How Come He Seems Less Interested After Sex?”

    Because he’s only interested in sex.

    Communicating, not so much.

    As someone else said, through his actions, he’s telling you exactly who he is. Believe him in that regard.

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  6. Jules Says:

    One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard is the best indicator of how a man feels about you and his intentions is how he makes you feel when you’re apart. Forget how you feel when you’re together and the so-called connection us women swoon over. It doesn’t mean anything if he makes you feel insecure and needy when you’re not together.

    Unfortunately I think you already have your answer.

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  7. Coffeestop Says:

    This guy does not sound like he is worth a 70 mile trip. If I was the Op I would unload him. Honestly anybody who says right off they are not a good communicator or acts like they are too busy to send a text on a business trip that is bullshit. He just does not want to communicate or connect unless it benefits him. This dude is a time waster unless the Op just wants a casual sexual relationship.

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