Another Way Tinder Is Screwing With Your Love Life



Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Jena

Comment: I am new to internet dating and I am feeling very confused. I would appreciate any insights or advice that readers have. I have had 1-2 dates with 3 men who seemed anxious to date me based upon my photos (all current) and profile but once we went out they said there was no chemistry. These men had all stated in their profiles that they wanted to start as friends and take it slow which is exactly how I felt. I had weeded out men with profiles that just didn’t match mine or who didn’t meet my minimum standard for health and fitness. (I’m over 60 and don’t want to become a caregiver anytime soon.) I am also quite active and adventurous and participate in a lot of outdoor activities and travel. I have only gone out with men who stated similar interests and values in their profiles. After e-mailing, texting and talking on the phone they still wanted to go out with me. When we went out we did fun things together – hiking canoeing, bicycling and conversation seemed to flow. We seem to have similar values. None of the men made me want to hop into bed with them but I enjoyed their company enough to want to see them again. They all stated that they had a good time. They had laughed and talked a lot when we were together. I’m wondering what I am doing wrong. One obvious thing that I can put my finger on is that I didn’t flirt. I think it is either that or I look a lot worse than I think I do. I didn’t think that it would be all that important to men over 60 for me to play those games. They make me feel silly. Especially with someone I’ve just met. I’m thinking that men and some women want to feel like teenagers again. They aren’t truly looking for a life partner but for someone to make them feel young. So now I’m watching youtube videos where people in their teens and twenties demonstrate flirting techniques. I’m going to try some of them with my next date and see what happens.
Age: 63
City: Tallahassee
State: Florida


Personally, If I’m not contemplating taking a man home within the first ten to twenty minutes of a date, then that’s a sign to me that the attraction isn’t there. I think the answer to this is very simple: like you, these men aren’t sensing any physical chemistry on these dates and that’s why they don’t follow up. You’re going to make yourself crazy running through all the possible reasons why you never heard from these men again. Easy peasy.  There was no spark. Occam’s Razor. The simplest answer is the answer.

There’s nothing wrong with trying to brush up on your flirting skills, but I happen to think flirting either comes naturally or it doesn’t. Forcing yourself to engage in behavior that isn’t something inherent within you is probably going to make those interactions seem forced. I’m not even sure flirting is all that important. I know plenty of reserved, quiet, introverted people who don’t flirt and still manage to find partners quite effortlessly. Either you and another person click or you don’t.  No amount of blinking or preening or compliments is going to make up for the lack of a sexual spark. The best examples of physical chemistry I’ve ever experienced were with men who, for the most part, were incredibly awkward. There was almost no flirting, and what flirting did it occur would have made you think you were being seduced by a 14 year old boy. But, man, once the clothes came off it was just there and the sex was fucking fantastic. It was the dynamic between us that contributed to the intense chemistry, not whether he touched my knee or  gave me bedroom eyes.

For many people, that desire to get physical has to be present almost instantly for them to take it to the next level. And as I’ve said, online dating and apps like Tinder have encouraged people to determine physical compatibility a lot sooner. I don’t think giving it two or three dates is really a thing anymore.  I’m not even sure people give it the length of a first date at this point. In our minds, we are constantly swiping left and left, even when we aren’t using a dating app.

Never under estimate the power of conditioning. Singles are being trained to make snap judgments now. You just have to keep at it until that spark gets ignited. Yes, that means more dates and more messages and more swiping but it is what it is. Marathon. Not sprint.


Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)


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8 Responses to “Another Way Tinder Is Screwing With Your Love Life”

  1. RedNeckGeekGurl Says:

    If the other person interests you beyond the activities you have in common – you don’t have to ‘try to flirt’. Maybe if you have not dated in 40 years?

    Reads to me like these men pick up on a ‘non-sexual’ vibe. Is she looking for an activity companion who happens to be a man? What she will find is that active ‘healthy’ men in this age range do want sex – and will not spend time when they sense the woman is asexual. They have dealt with that enough by their age to know it when they see it. Women of that age who do want that still know the same thing … ‘Friends first and see where it goes’ is code for ‘only on specials occasions – maybe’.

    She is questioning if she looks as good as she thinks – which is also code for ‘these guys may be out of my league’. Active guys that age can go younger … Women can’t! Even those of us who do look the best they can for whatever age

    Her comment about people wanting to be teenager again or whatever – what is wrong with FEELING that once in a while? I do – and appreciate someone else who does… Saw a commercial for OurTime (old farts dating old farts) .. Cop comes up to car parked in Lovers Lane – shines flashlight … ‘You kids gotta get ….’ Sees old farts making out … THAT !

  2. SS Says:

    “all stated in their profiles that they wanted to start as friends and take it slow”

    That. Right there. Right there is a CLASSIC relationship avoidant person statement. Therefore there’s nothing you did wrong, or could have done differently.

    Next time someone says that, run in the opposite direction and save yourself a lot of time and energy.

    • SS Says:

      For a list of “Common one-liners that indicate commitment and availability issues” go to: / Goodies / Worksheets & Fun Things

      Click on the free pdf download.

    • AC Says:

      Yeppers on that one. Profiles that say “friends first” or lets take it “slow” should be a definite pass.

      Friends first only works when a man and woman become friends naturally and the relationship develops into something more. In these cases, there still has to be some sort of attraction to begin with, or something triggers the attraction later on.

      Trying to be “friends first” or take it slow” is a disingenuous approach which is why it always fails.

      • ? Says:

        If there is attraction, there won’t be a need to take the “friends first” route. I won’t automatically write off someone who makes this disclaimer simply because this is one of those things which people just say when they are not sure what they want until they meet face to face. They could decide upon meeting if they want a relationship with that person, a friends with benefits like situation or nothing at all.

        You will quickly find which category you fall into. But yeah…when men say they want to take it slow upon meeting you, you know they want the NSA sex thing. When women say this, they are more than likely saying it to be nice, while planning to ghost.

  3. Yvonne Says:

    On a first date you went hiking, canoeing, or cycling? That seems like a pretty involved first meeting (or even second meeting). As others have said, “friends-first” sets up a vibe that is not very romantic. It may not have made any difference, but how about doing something more “date-like” rather than getting together as activity partners? You (both) might even feel la little more flirtatious in a setting that is more conducive to romance than canoeing.

    • ? Says:

      I don’t think there is anything wrong with an activity based date. Both OP and the guys are looking for sometime to do fun active things with, on a long term basis. It would be waste of time to wine and dine someone, only to find they are not into all the fun active things that you want them involved in, with you. If the activity date goes well, the guy has every opportunity to make another date, one that is more romantic. It is obvious that the guys just didn’t feel it with OP (and they admitted so), like Moxie says. They may have enjoyed her company, but they really don’t want to waste precious time with someone they don’t feel romantic towards.

      • Yvonne Says:

        No need to “wine and dine”, but how about drinks in a nice, cozy bar or cafe for an hour or two to start with? I’m guessing all the “fun, active things” are already listed in her profile.

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