How Hard Is It To Date Someone Who Doesn’t Drink?

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From my brief time reading Elite Daily I’ve come to learn that the majority of their writers are either beta white knight dudes or unhinged self-absorbed women.

Can we please discuss the speshul snowflake vibe of this article?

 

I’m not like most people.

Boom. There’s this guy’s first problem. He thinks he’s soooo different because he doesn’t drink or do drugs. And by different I mean better, based on the sanctimonious attitude and out of wack rationalizations that follow. What’s truly odd is that, in this digital dating age, most sites and apps allow you to either select an option of whether or not you drink or don’t or a lot space for you to state the things about you that people should know. Like, for example, that you don’t drink. The smart thing to do if you’re sober is to select the option that states you do not drink at all. That way you’ll probably only be contacted by people looking for other people that don’t drink. Will you be filtered out of searches? Probably, but at least the searches you do appear in will be of people with whom you are more compatible. I think it’s interesting that this guy never once mentions dating anybody sober. Kind of makes you wonder why, doesn’t it?

Since few people know what it’s like to be a sober person on in the dating scene, I’d like to tell you about how difficult it is and how strange this world can be.

First of all, it’s nearly impossible to find a suitable first date spot.

Every date I’ve asked a woman out on, the first suggestion that comes out of her mouth is, “Yeah, let’s go get some drinks.”

But the problem is, I can’t say yes and then surprise her at the bar with the information that I don’t drink.

That’s borderline creepy.

Forget the borderline, most people would consider that a huge red flag, especially women.

“You mean you want me to drink, and you’re not going to drink?”

I’d come off as pretty date-rapey.

It’s strange because the people who have had a history of alcoholism or drug abuse in their lives or in their families get some kind of badge of honor because of it. People respect those who have recovered from alcoholism or drug abuse way more than they respect those who have never touched the stuff in their lives.

Awww. Poor little guy is all butthurt because he doesn’t get an attaboy for never having touched alcohol or drugs. He thinks his lifetime of abstaining is totally the same thing as getting addicted and getting sober. Newsflash: IT’S NOT THE SAME THING. Those people actually overcame something, something that many people can not overcome. You? You just never tried a beer or smoked pot because you liked clinging to the moral high ground.

So, if you’re a sober person and you want to get that first date, here is a trick I’ve learned to play. When someone suggests getting drinks, say something like, “Oh, getting drinks is so overdone, let’s do something different,” and then I come up with a unique thing to do. You can go bowling, see a comedy show or play mini golf.

Here’s where maybe I’m just old or too rigid but I have zero interest in an activity date for  a first date. People who go to such lengths for a first date – especially an online date – reek of try hard.It’s a first date. Let’s determine if we get along and have stuff to talk about and want to touch each other’s private parts before we start golfing together. Activities disrupt the flow of conversation and are distracting. I like to sit and chat and have a couple of drinks and relax. I’m not getting dressed up so I can put on a pair of sweaty bowling shoes just because you can’t sit in a bar for an hour without having a panic attack.

I love how the date is all about his preferences, too. It’s all about his comfort level and not wanting to seem date rapey (whatever that means.) He can’t just order a Coke or a non-alcoholic beer and nurse it for an hour. Nope. Doing that wouldn’t allow him to get sanctimonious. Jesus. Order an O’Dules and shut it up.

Personal injury, financial problems, the injury of others and jail time are just a few of the terrible things that can happen if you just have one crazy night of drinking or doing drugs.

What the fuck is this guy talking about? He’s seen way too many Afterschool Specials. No, one night of throwing back a couple of drinks won’t turn you into a vagrant. That’s all in your head because somebody or something screwed you up as a kid.

I’m extremely supportive of people who are in recovery or are sober due to addiction. However, I probably wouldn’t date someone sober. Why? Because drinking is a lifestyle choice and I enjoy a drink here and there and don’t want to worry that I’m getting tipsy and making my date uncomfortable. I can remember calling a good friend of mine – who was several years in recovery at the time – drunk, and he got very annoyed with me and asked that I never call him after I’d been drinking. I’m not someone who drinks heavily or even that frequently, but when I do, I like to have a few glasses of wine. I don’t want to be with someone who is going to be uneasy being around me when I’m not 100% sober.

I also don’t date vegans.  Nothing will make me roll my eyes further back into my head than someone who says, “Can we pick a spot with a vegan menu?” or “I don’t drink. Why don’t we meet for tea?” How about…you just fucking go with it without trotting out all your special snowflakery before we’ve even met? Get a god damn salad. Order a virgin cocktail. I will never, ever, EVER forget the vegan I dated who made me dinner at his place and asked me what I wanted, then proceeded to dismiss my preferences and serve me whatever the fuck he called a meal. Nope. I like meat. You don’t. That’s cool. I just won’t date you. I don’t care what anybody says about how they’re sober or vegan and aren’t judgy about it because most of them are, like the guy who wrote this fart of an article.

All this guy does is talk about how insecure everyody else is because they need alcohol to have fun, but really he’s the one insecure about not drinking. Not the other way around.

Go be unique and different somewhere else.

 

Thoughts?

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26 Responses to “How Hard Is It To Date Someone Who Doesn’t Drink?”

  1. bbdawg Says:

    I actually don’t really drink or if I drink, I drink very little. Just a personal preference and I don’t talk about it because it’s not a big deal. No, I am not “recovering” from anything I just don’t like the taste and it does not make me a better person. Occasionally I might get a drink or two but that’s like twice a year. When I was online dating I’d just either get a diet coke or seltzer water. No explanation needed.

    Also, I was under the impression that “sober” meant you had been an alcoholic before? If you’re not alcoholic and you’re using that word that means you’re an idiot, a douchebag or both.

    To me there is nothing worse than a person thinking because they do X or Y they are one a higher level than you and I. Like the dudes who do crossfit, or women who don’t eat gluten or whatever, yes, and I guess this guy…who thinks he’s special because he doesn’t drink. Get over yourself.

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  2. KK Says:

    First off, I actually do not think he was comparing not drinking to being someone in recovery. He was saying that people respect those who are in recovery but if you just don’t drink, it is weird.

    I seriously do not get this guy at all though. I don’t drink. It is seriously not a big deal. At all. No one cares. The ones who do, and they are quite a few, are jerks.

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  3. BTownGirl Says:

    Aaaaaaamen on the vegan thing! The santimony of it all…I can’t. It’s like,take the 2000 supplements you need to make your asinine diet work and stop acting like I’m Cruella DeVille with my steak.

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    • Donnie K Says:

      Amen…with the steak, I can kinda understand their outrage. But the sanctimonious garbage about not eating eggs or drinking milk. Give me a break….I can’t either.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        My personal favorite has to be a “vegan leather” purse I saw that cost $1400. Just be real and call it $1400 vinyl. I don’t want to meet anyone who bought one haha!

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        • Biffski Says:

          I actually found out that vegan leather is made from plant products. Customers were pestering Elon Musk to replace the real leather or cloth materials in the 100K Tesla model. He had to source plant material that can replicate leather, hence vegan leather. Vinyl is of course, petroleum based.

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          • BTownGirl Says:

            That is so interesting! I know Mercedes uses a very similar product to the one that Tesla uses in many of their cars and I was wondering what the heck they made it out of! I still judge Stella McCartney’s faux-leather pricing, however ;)

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  4. Donnie K Says:

    “I have zero interest in an activity date for a first date. People who go to such lengths for a first date – especially an online date – reek of try hard.It’s a first date. Let’s determine if we get along and have stuff to talk about and want to touch each other’s private parts before we start golfing together. Activities disrupt the flow of conversation and are distracting.”

    Moxie his this one out of the park (with the basis loaded mind you).
    I don’t care how attractive the woman is, I’m not doing it.

    I first came across Elite Daily about a year ago I find their articles are at best, recycled. cliched, puff pieces that state the obvious. At worst, total tripe like the article referenced in this post.

    You don’t drink? No problem. We’ll never date.

    About vegans. To each is own but I’m quickly realizing that’s also a deal breaker for me.

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  5. Sarah Says:

    I wonder what other delightful hangups this gentleman brings to the table.

    Just kidding, we all know they’re of the religious variety.

    Plot twist: He’s currently mid-rumspringa, and discovering all the hedonistic delights of over-sharing on the internet before he moves back to Pennsylvania and marries his 11 year-old cousin.

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  6. Katie Says:

    I’m not a super big fan of going out for (alcoholic) drinks, which is why I always suggest a coffee date for a first date. I’ve never had anyone turn me down when I suggest it, even if he offers dinner/drinks as the initial option. That way you can actually meet the person and see if you click; only then can you drop all of your idiosyncrasies on the person during your next dates. ;)

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  7. Mandy Says:

    I don’t care if someone drinks or not, but the point is that it should barely come up. If you’re having drinks for a first date and he’s ordering a seltzer water, maybe it would briefly come up in passing, but that’s about it. It’s not the act of not drinking that’s the problem, it’s the fact that someone makes a big deal out of it. If you don’t want to go to bars, and don’t want to be around people who are drinking, and clearly look down on drinking, you should obviously only be dating other non-drinkers.

    Same goes or the diet thing. If your diet is interfering with your social life, then you should address that (e.g. by only dating other people with your same diet). I haven’t eaten red meat for 20 years, but no one realizes unless they specifically ask about a menu. It’s just not something I dwell on, and therefore no one else cares either.

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    • ALH Says:

      I’ve been sober for almost 8-1/2 years, and this guy floors me. When people ask if I want to get a drink, I say yes and then order a cranberry and soda. Sometimes they ask “no vodka in that?” but I say I don’t drink and that’s usually that. The people I’ve dated are either smart enough after a date or two to figure out that I’m in recovery; those who don’t figure it out, I tell them I’m sober and in recovery before it gets to the point where we’re dating exclusively. (No one has had a problem with it yet or, like it’s been pointed out, in my online profiles it SAYS I don’t drink, so I’m getting a self-selected pool).

      As for others drinking around me or dating someone who drinks, there’s a wide range of people out there. Some people in recovery cannot be around alcohol at all, and that includes dating someone who only has a glass of wine every now and then. Others are more flexible.

      I’ve dated both sober and non-sober people while in sobriety, and it’s never been an issue either way. The guy I’m with now has a couple of beers or glasses of wine when we go out. But I don’t think I’d be able to date someone who had a habit of *regularly* getting drunk or drinking every day/a lot—not because I’m judging them, but because it would make my recovery more difficult for me and no relationship is worth going back to the life I was living.

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  8. Missy Says:

    Not to mention this guys apparent inability to ask someone on a date in a way that doesn’t put him in this position. I said, do you wanna go out? She said, sure lets get a drink. Why doesn’t he just say, you wanna go for coffee? Or whatever he’s comfortable with? Geez. At least where I live there are plenty of “coffee shops” that are also bars, and it’s just as normal to get a coffee drink as an alcoholic one. He wouldn’t be at the “mercy” if this suggestion if he made his own suggestion (please not mini golf!) as part of the invitation.
    But then he wouldn’t get to be holier than thou.

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  9. Howard Says:

    Well this post seems to be bringing out the hidden in people. And that is often a short walk away from thinking people who do things differently from us are somehow different. I have heard this nonsense from both sides: Meat eaters and vegans; smokers and non-smokers; drinkers and non-drinkers; and just about any set of contrasting behavior types. This guy certainly fits the bill. But guess what? I see the same coming through loud and clear from many commenting. And all that speaks clearly to the name of this forum, “That’s why you are single”.

    I do respect people saying, “I like what I like”. It surely saves them and other people a lot of wasted time. But let’s be careful, where that thinking, taken too far, gets us. Life is full of surprises and change. And the better we are open to that, the better our outcomes. About the guy with the problem, I will say this. There are a lot of sites out there, covering so many different lifestyles. There is no need to imagine what you are thinking. Sometimes we confuse thinking with assuming. No insurmountable problem though. I see the same coming from other people posting here. My advice. Just quiet down the part of your mind that’s working against you, and act, instead of being paralyzed by your assumptions.

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  10. Missy Says:

    Well Howard, I’m sure at least some of the previous posters, like me, are trying to figure out if you’re talking about them… And if so, what you are saying.

    On the other hand, maybe they don’t care and I’m just puzzled bc your post came right after mine.

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  11. Dave Says:

    I’m not much of a drinker and used to avoid alcohol but once every few years and then only have a little. But I definitely agree that a wine bar or a nice pub can be a great place for a first date. So a while back I started going out with friends to learn local venues and work on my tolerance. Now it’s second nature to meet someone there and have a drink or two while we get to know each other. That being said, I have met some women who do not like to meet at bars for a first date. And at the end of the day…if you end up liking each other then the venue shouldn’t matter too much.

    Activity dates…this is something I don’t understand at all. If you have some history together then sure go have a picnic…but for a first face to face after talking online? Count me out.

    I turned down a lady for an online date a while ago who wanted to meet and go hiking instead of meeting for a drink. Hmm…let me get this straight…having a drink or two in a well lit, friendly downtown wine bar is out…but walking around in the woods with a guy who is a complete stranger is a-ok?

    I’m okay with Vegans. Used to be one (never again) so I can speak their language. I’ve seen a few couples make it work long term (vegan and carnivore)…so you never know…not my preferred lifestyle choice…but as an average looking schmuck in my early 40s…I can’t be too picky. :)

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  12. Chantal Says:

    It is a lifestyle choice one way or the other. To drink or not to drink, to smoke or not to smoke and to be vegan or not — not putting anyone down, I personally could not date a man who does not drink. I like recreational drinking too much and want the person I date to share this with me. Nothing wrong with that. It is a deal-breaker that is because I know myself, and what will bother me and what will not.

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  13. Fyodor Says:

    This is so weird. I didn’t abstain completely but I have never been much of a drinker. I would usually order a diet coke or seltzer if I met someone for drinks. No one ever asked me about it and it never even occurred to me to worry about it. Maybe I was unknowingly screwing up all of those dates?

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  14. Rachel Says:

    My Facebook friends sometimes post Elite Daily articles and they’re all like this one. I’ve never seen so many whiny Nice Guys and Basic Bitches in one place.

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  15. Nia Says:

    I agree that one’s preferences are not the issue, it’s how they’re presented to the potential dating partner. Most people don’t care to get involved with extremes or rigid beliefs, of any kind, whether it’s dietary, religious, or “vices”—and it goes in the other direction too, not just abstinence. Uncontrolled consumption or 24 hour party types is not something you want to tangle with either.
    I will also point out that the older people get, the less likely they are to be tolerant of this kind of extremism. Life has a way of teaching you that your 30 day green cleanse just isn’t sustainable past a certain point :)

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  16. Yvonne Says:

    I’d be much more concerned about someone who drank TOO much on a first date than someone who didn’t drink at all (and yes, it has happened). I don’t care that much about someone else’s dietary preferences as long as they are not insufferably judgmental or arrogant about it, and as long as they don’t try to impose their beliefs on me.

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  17. Jef Says:

    You can never seem to date someone who is exactly like you when it comes to two things, drinking and religion. I don’t drink much. Some people think it is a red flag. I don’t give a toss. I dated a woman who didn’t drink at all. I had no problem with it. But she didn’t want to attend a party where people were drinking. I thought she might be an alcoholic. But I think she would have told me because she was very open. Live and let live.

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  18. betty Says:

    Love this! Recently went on a tinder date with a sober guy. Despite drinking references being in several places in my profile (mentions of wine and craft beer), he still chose to take me on a date but wanted to do some outdoor, too-involved activity. I was kind of pissed because when we finally met (at a bar, because of my pushiness, natch), he THEN mentions that he doesn’t drink. How about mentioning that in the several texts/online encounters we had. Dating a non-drinker is just awkward for me. I don’t want to be judged and I enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage. This should be disclosed immediately, not ON the date.

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