How Hard Will People Work To Get A Date?



Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): marzkd
Comment: A male classmate from my college 4 years ago that I barely talked to, contacted me on Facebook recently and asked me how I was. During the conversation, he sent me a picture of him wearing a suit and explained that he was working right now. He then asked for mine and ask what I was doing. I sent him a selfie and told him I was just on my way to lunch. He said “wow” and he continued talking to me for 2 days and decided to meet up the next day. I said I was busy and he asked for my number. I said that I would prefer to contact through Facebook first. He was cool with it and told me to let him know whether I would want to grab coffee the following day. I said that I wasn’t sure if I had any plans and told him maybe next time. He replied “cool :)”. I would like to catch up with this person but I have doubts. I do not really know what his intentions are since he seems to be rushing things. I feel bad for rejecting him twice. What should I do?
Age: 26
City: Boston
State: MA


I’m not sure how this guy is rushing things. He chatted with you for two days and then asked you to meet for a drink. What’s wrong with that? This is how fast things move now. Actually, they move much faster. People are no longer willing to message back and forth for a few days.

Something about this guy is obviously tripping your wires, and I don’t think it’s got anything to do with the pace at which he is moving. I think what has you giving him the side-eye is that eh randomly contacted you out of the blue when you barely knew him in college then asked you for a photo of yourself. I’m guessing he did that either to get a full body shot of you or to get a recent photo of you. Clearly this guy is just hitting up random women he went to school with thinking that because he and they share the same alma mater he’ll seem less creepy. Now, if that’s why you don’t want to meet him, I’m behind you 100%. But if you’re hesitating because he’s not spending several days getting to know you via Facebook, then I’m going to say you need to get a bit of a grip.

I had this conversation with a profile review client yesterday and now I’ll have it with you: if you require that someone jump through a number of hoops before you’ll even consider meeting them, stop dating. I will repeat this for the bajillionth time: Tinder has changed the game. The days of not posting pics to a profile or not giving out your phone number or needing days worth of emails to agree to a date are gone. Finito. On the surface, there’s nothing wrong with this guy’s approach. What makes it suspect is how he appeared out of the blue to chat you up and asked you for a picture of yourself. He sent you a picture of himself so you would reply with one in kind. Anybody hesitant about communicating off a site or app makes my Spidey Senses tingle. That sort of thing screams too much work, and usually I bail from the conversation. What’s the difference between Facebook and email? Texting I can understand…but email?

People just are not affording folks the benefit of the doubt anymore. Either you’re in or you’re out. The slightest hint of extra steps is going to result in you being ghosted, unmatched, or blocked.  That includes refusing to talk off site, upgrading dates, persisting with rapid fire questions like it’s an interview, etc.

I know Facebook Flirting is a thing with you crazy kids, but I can honestly say that when I get those random messages from guys I barely know or don’t know at all I immediately delete and block them. There’s just something about it that rubs me the wrong way.

The doubts your feeling is your inside voice telling you this guy is disingenuous. I wouldn’t bother with him.


Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)


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12 Responses to “How Hard Will People Work To Get A Date?”

  1. SS Says:

    I don’t know why there is such a big issue.

    Never mind his intentions, what are *your* intentions? Do you find him attractive? Does he seem skeevy on his Facebook profile? Are you single?

    Either you would consider dating him or you would not. Period.

    If you would consider dating him, schedule the darn coffee already and stop playing stupid games.

    If you would not consider dating him, establish (if you haven’t already) whether he’s being friendly or flirty. Then make your intentions clear accordingly. What he does with that is up to him.

    My 2 cents? Yes he’s interested and using a scattergun approach, but what have you got to lose? 30 minutes and $5 for a coffee. That’s it. That’s what 99% of first dates are these days… you’ve got to be in it to win it.

  2. BostonRobin Says:

    My take on this is that LW is not interested in the guy but was amused by the attention. She turned him down twice–three times if you count his request for her number. I hope he has the self-respect to move on, but he sounds kind of desperate.

    If LW is interested in him, then I don’t even know what she thinks she is doing with him.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      She might have a case of Nice Girl-itis (being polite above all else, including your own needs).

      It seems like she thinks just plain not wanting to go isn’t a good enough reason to reject his invitation, like she has to prove he’s creepy or did XYZ thing wrong to justify saying no. Maybe she means no harm, this kinda wishy-washy bullshit is far more unkind than just saying no, I think.

  3. Fyodor Says:

    I would say even ten years ago when I was single, pre tinder, I wouldn’t have gone through days of multiple exchanges and courting steps to get someone to go out with me. Not worth my time for a complete stranger. Not because I was some sort of super in demand catch, but because someone who feels that it’s your job to jump through hoops to ask them out is going to be terrible to date.

  4. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    Does he look like Jon Hamm? I bet this wouldn’t be an issue if he looked like Jon Hamm.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      True, but in that case he probably wouldn’t be approaching random Facebook friends from the wayback machine.

    • Eliza Says:

      Dark…looks don’t play a HUGE role – yes, it does help–and Jon Hamm in my opinion is not all that–he’s good looking–but don’t understand all the hype. We all have our types. Desperation -whether it be coming from a man or woman – is just not a good look. It’s sad, and makes one feel that “this person just wants someone–anyone will do”…and we don’t want to be just anyone–that wins by default. Again, since she hasn’t actually seen him face to face–a quick coffee meet up can’t hurt…just to catch up–on old times – “alma mater related”. You never get a clear sense of who someone is, until you meet them in person. And sometimes, even in person–if you only speak for like 5 min. it’s still hard to gauge. I recently went to a Meetup event, and just to be social and get out of my house–and mingle with other people, expand my social circle..the meetup was minutes from where I lived..and it was at a restaurant I have been wanting to look into. So–I went…and long story longer…this man who was there–starts a conversation with me…and instantly, “so, are you single”?…”hmmm…do you find dating difficult because I find these dating online sites very tough”, ….minutes later…he asks the organizer, “So, _____, have you found it easier to meet potential dates through Geez…talk about desperation! That was the BIGGEST turnoff. Low and behold…the very next day, I get a message via Meetup–about getting together (as a date). I found him to be “a desperado”….a very sad look to wear on anyone.

  5. Steve from the city next door Says:

    I just recently read a list of suggested ways to me people to date and people you went to school with was one of the suggestions. I thought at the time if you contacted someone you weren’t good friends with it would seem rather weird. The rest of the ideas were pretty warn out and/or lame too ( or rent a dog and take it to the dog park).

    My take on this one is the LW would like to have a chat with the guy but is not interested in him as a date.

    • Eliza Says:

      Yes, Steve…but don’t go to Meetup events…and start questioning a woman, “so, you single”, “do you date often”, “are you on any online dating sites”, “do you find it rough out there”? Relax a bit dude…all is cool….no need to come across that desperate. It’s SO unappealing to any worthwhile woman. A desperate woman may respond in kind…but those are not the women most men gravitate towards. Even desperate men.

  6. Jake Says:

    My experience shows that the women who make you jump through hoops before meeting up are high mainenance and a pain in the ass. Or, they make you jump through hoops, and then, suprise, they don’t want to meet or ghost.

    So, I refuse to do anything other than ask a woman out once. If it’s anything other than a yes, I just tell them to contact me when they are free. If not, who gives a f**k. Some women, not all, think that having a vagina entitles them to put a guy through the “jump through hoops” olympics. Just say no.

  7. Lisa Says:

    My guess is the OP is not interested in this guy…hasn’t even given him a second thought since she last saw him in college. However (just my guess), things are slow for her at the moment, hence her willingness to indulge him in two days worth of chitchat thru text. She feels she would, in theory, be foolish to let this “opportunity” slip thru her fingers. But she’s having no luck trying to she get herself interested in this stranger or, likewise, figure out why this stranger is interested in her. In the back of her head, she might be wondering if he’s just scrolling thru the yearbook or even if it’s someone else catfishing her.

    It’s OK to just not be interested. Even if there’s no one better. Someone else will come along.

    I don’t see this as the OP trying to make the guy jump thru hoops.

  8. Bree Says:

    “Clearly this guy is just hitting up random women he went to school with thinking that because he and they share the same alma mater he’ll seem less creepy.”


    Sucks when a guy plays the friendship card. She may want to be friends but knows deep down he wants to sleep with her at least, make her his gf at most. As a woman, I’ve also hesitated in similar situations. If she meets him in person and he realizes she isn’t putting out, he will reject her friendship and stop being in touch with her. Happens all the time.

    I think those men who accuse women of enjoying their “attention” while failing to put out might be more honest with their own intentions up front, and not pretend like their interested in friendship.

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