Do You Know What Red Flags You Give Off?

 

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Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Michelle
:
Comment: I met a guy on Ok cupid. He is 36, divorced and has a 14 year old son. We went on 5 dates and things seemed to be going in the right direction. We both stated within the first couple of dates that we were looking for a long term relationship, and although he did disclose that he was new to online dating, (having been divorced since 2008 and ended a 3 year long term relationship in 2012), he stated that he was fortunate to have met me and so far he likes where things are heading. On date 5, he invited me over to his apartment, cooked for me and things got intimate. After date 5, date 6 became a struggle to keep. He cancelled and said he got the stomach flu, then said he was going out of town for the weekend with his son (he always has his son with him every weekend). Of course I started feeling uneasy in my gut, so I decided to be upfront by asking him if he wanted to meet up yesterday since he was back by then. After taking over 8 hours to reply, he tells me that he will have to decline my offer because he spent the weekend doing some thinking and he realized that he was so overwhelmed by online dating and he did not want to hurt me in the future because it his not his intention. He also said that he felt like shit saying this to me. I was upset and I did tell him that its funny how you say that after our last date in which we did the deed, and if he really did not want to hurt me he would have ended things earlier without stringing me along (which I strongly believe). I told him I indeed dodged a bullet, but also said the usual “I wish you the best” and he said the same. My question is, I felt like I was myself and honest with my intentions, even demonstrated a lot of interest in my part (baked him cookies, bought him a gift, always showed up to dates on time which he commented on, etc), so for him to do this, was there a red flag I chose to ignore? or did he really change his mind when he said he did? I think this experience has also thought me to
never ignore my gut feelings when things seem to get weird, even if I don’t have solid proof. Your feedback would be appreciated.
Age: 26
City: Montreal
State: Quebec

 

I think the first and biggest red flag is that this guy told you he hasn’t been in a serious relationship in almost 4 years. I say this as someone who hasn’t had a serious relationship in going on a decade. There’s a reason for that, most of which make me a huge liability. But…I would never tell someone I liked that information. I’d massage the truth. Going forward, take admissions like that as a warning and back off a bit while you get to know someone. How this information came to light is unclear. If he offered it unprovoked, then that’s a very bad sign. If you asked and he answered, well, he’s a fool. Personally, I think making such inquiries is kind of rude and shows bad form. It’s just not polite to put people on the spot like that.

Whether this guy consciously lied or not is something I can’t determine. There are plenty of people out there who truly believe they want a relationship who, deep down, actually don’t. They spend their lives repeating the same pattern over and over again, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. He could be one of those people. In fact, I think those people make up a large percentage of online dating users. A dating site is the perfect way to get attention and affection and sex without committing. The site and continuous stream of users serves as a safety net. If one relationship doesn’t work it’s just back to the drawing board. You can engage people when the mood strikes you and disengage just as easily. This method provides a built in excuse for not committing, and it’s that there might be someone even better around the corner. It’s no secret that relationships are becoming less important to people, and online dating has played a huge part in that development.

Going four years without a relationship is a pretty big clue that either something about that person is making them unable to connect to someone else in a substantive way OR that person is ambivalent about relationships in general. I fall into both categories. Lucky for you people I still possess laser sharp insights and an impressive level of situational awareness.

I felt like I was myself and honest with my intentions, even demonstrated a lot of interest in my part (baked him cookies, bought him a gift, always showed up to dates on time which he commented on, etc), so for him to do this, was there a red flag I chose to ignore? or did he really change his mind when he said he did?

Maybe YMMV on this, but I think making cookies and buying gifts for people you’ve had a smattering of dates with is a bit much. It’s possible these expressions of interest so early on contributed to why this guy backed off. Five dates is nothing. It’s way too early to be showering people with home-made baked goods and trinkets.That applies a level of pressure that, these days, might be too intense. With relationships and marriage on the downturn,  I think people are more cautious now. They’re not leaping as quickly as they used to. You barely know this guy, yet after just a few dates you were ready to make him your boyfriend. To me, that seems a little alarming. I can only imagine how this guy felt.

Not only should you be looking for red flags in the men you date, but you should also be aware of the flags you send up. Just because you were honest about your intentions doesn’t mean another person will automatically repay that in kind. People – most people, actually – are only as honest as they can be. It’s not that they’re trying to mislead or deceive, they just haven’t really done any introspection, either by choice or by circumstance. It’s great that you were clear and upfront, but it’s possible you were too upfront, too quickly. A man with a fourteen year-old son he sees every weekend doesn’t really have a ton of bandwidth for emotional relationships. To me, that’s another red flag. Why was this thirty-six year old dude with a kid dating a twenty-six year-old childless woman?

As hard as it might be to just let things unfold organically, I think it’s the best approach. Not everybody is going to know what they want at the same time you do. The guy had some stuff to juggle. He can’t be expected to jump into relationship mode just because that’s what you want in that moment.

 

 

Thoughts?

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43 Responses to “Do You Know What Red Flags You Give Off?”

  1. BostonRobin Says:

    “We both stated within the first couple of dates that we were looking for a long term relationship…”

    I wonder how that came up, also how the LW knew that this guy was even right for her so soon. Because he turned out not to be boyfriend material if he bailed so soon. You have to shake these people off like water and move on. NEXT. Maybe you angled that information out of him during the date, maybe he was kidding himself (or you). But that’s too soon to know what you want with someone.

    And while there’s nothing wrong with being as attentive as you were, it does indicate that you were overinvested in him. Ask yourself why you thought he was even that great–because clearly he wasn’t. Just because someone says they want a relationship doesn’t mean they are capable of it.

    Besides, you don’t want to end up with a man whose son is so close to your age, especially when you are this young. It’s different with older people, or when the children are adults. But this boy is barely a teenager.

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    • D. Says:

      Moreover, someone can want a relationship in a general sense, but not want one with you (for any number of reasons).

      Saying “I’m looking for a relationship” is not the same as saying “I think I only want to be with you for the foreseeable future.” But people often interpret it to mean the same.

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      • BostonRobin Says:

        Plot twist: I’ve learned that people who make these pronouncements often engage in magical thinking or are too busy checking off ticky boxes to get involved on a deeper level with another person. Would this apply to the LW or the man in this post? Could be either or both.

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        • ? Says:

          How so, BonstonRboin. I would genuinely like to know.

          I recently had some bloke say to me that he was looking for a relaionship, but I wasn’t someone he could be in a relationship with, given our personality, interest and communication differences. Even so, he still wanted to spend time together and have casual sex. At the time I felt he was using this relationship thing as a hook and then did a bait and switch. But now, he may have emotional problems instead ?

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          • BostonRobin Says:

            “More walking, less talking.” That is, if someone has to talk that much and explain every step of the relationship instead of just doing the relationship, something is probably off. Either the two people somehow incompatible, or there are emotional problems.

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      • KK Says:

        This is very, very true.

        And sometimes people lie about what they want. And sometimes people think they want one thing but really they want another. And sometimes, they want a relationship, but not with you.

        The four year thing. I feel like it’s really important to know why it has been so long, and have they worked on the reasons why that is.

        It’s funny. I went out to eat at a restaurant and there was this clearly-new couple sitting next to me. The relationship was maybe not even an official thing yet, and the guy has obviously spent the previous night at her place and now they were meeting for dinner. And she was telling him how she could cook for him. And he was….not particularly enthused. And she didn’t appear to notice his lack of enthusiasm. I just wonder if something similar happened here, that maybe he had been putting the brakes on things from the beginning, and she didn’t notice. I’ve noticed that guys don’t like rejecting. They don’t tend to do it outright. Or maybe that’s people in general. It’s subtle and you have to learn to read between the lines.

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        • Michelle Says:

          I did not go proclaiming how well I could cook for him and all the reasons why he should date me. I didn’t make the gestures I did with the mentality I was auditioning for his affection, that’s just how I am, but I am learning how to be that way with the right people and at the right time. Even after we had been intimiate and he had receieved the gift/cookies, he still demonstrated interest and even asked to see me a couple times, until it eventually ended.

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          • KK Says:

            If you are replying to me. I was not trying to say you were proclaiming to him what a good cook you are, nor did I ever think, nor do I think anyone else here implied, that you were auditioning for the role of good gf.

            I did not even think that girl next to me at the restaurant was auditioning for the role of good gf. With that couple, it just seemed that she was more into him than he was into her, and she didn’t notice the sign. It is easy for us on the outside to see these things. it is really hard when we are emotionally invested.

            All I was trying to say, and I think maybe others too, was that maybe you didn’t notice the signs. You didn’t do anything wrong, like the girl next to me didn’t either. You maybe didn’t see the signs, as they are really subtle.

            Also., I’m just curious. I know you said you were looking for a relationship. But DID you want a relationship a with HIM? And if so, how would you know this after 5 dates? Dating is so much better when you think about what YOU want, not what the other person wants. I mean, you’re 26 in Montreal. The guys there are amazing. Why would you even want a a guy ten years older with a teenage child? That is a LOT of work. I’d think it would take a really long time to decide to be in a relationship with a guy like that. And finally think of this. This guy apparently told you that a lot of girls your age say they want a relationship but mean something else. But. If that is the case, then why is he dating girls your age?

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            • SS Says:

              “This guy apparently told you that a lot of girls your age say they want a relationship but mean something else. But. If that is the case, then why is he dating girls your age?”

              Absolutely brilliant point.

              I’d heard so many men complain about child schedules after divorce that I assumed, in my first forays into dating men with kids myself, that it would be a positive thing that I had no clashing schedule and could therefore much more easily work my commitments around his.

              What I found was that many of the men instead used it as a get out clause.

              Deliberately choosing to date someone with an incompatible lifestyle/maturity level/ethnicity/whatever… that’s contrary to one’s inner beliefs …is classic commitmentphobic behaviour.

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              • fuzzilla Says:

                **What I found was that many of the men instead used it as a get out clause.**

                Yeah. I’ve dated a couple guys where I felt like, “Okay, your kid comes first. I get that. But that doesn’t mean my needs come last, or not at all.” I always took it to mean that they weren’t quite over their ex- (not necessarily that they were pining for their ex-es, but just that they hadn’t really processed the breakup enough to let someone new in).

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                • SS Says:

                  YES x A MILLION!!!!

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                • BostonRobin Says:

                  Plenty of these clowns put their kids first to the extent that they end up delaying the DIVORCE because little Johnny/Suzie is “still so very fragile about the whole thing.”

                  You do something perfectly normal like ask if they’ve at least filed for divorce and they make you out to be some sort of child-hating monster. BTDT!

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                  • fuzzilla Says:

                    I know I’ve mentioned this before, but one ex- would always be like, “I totally want you to meet my daughter! No, I don’t. Yes, I do. No, I don’t. Yes, I do…”

                    Meeting dad’s new girlfriend is a big deal for a kid. I get that. Take whatever time you need, that’s totally cool. Just don’t involve me in this drama until you’ve made up your G-D mind about it. Like, did it occur to you that maybe I’m nervous to meet your kid? And that constantly changing your mind about it makes me feel yanked around and amps up my anxiety? Did it occur to you that anyone besides you and your precious, precious child have feelings at all? Grrr…

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            • Michelle Says:

              I wanted a relationship, not necessarily with him…okay…here’s my somewhat long and somewhat complicated reasons……

              One of my top deal breakers is No children and great hygiene. This guy had a teenage son and bad breath. My problem is I allow outside influences (opinions from friends, cousins and even my mom) to make me question my standards. I said I’m not okay dating someone who’s that much older with a child, but then I receive responses such as “that’s not a big deal, it just means hes more mature and responsible because he’s a father,” “his bad breath is something that you can fix,” (I don’t believe in fixing people” or the best one “guys your age are all fuckboys, this guy seems like a gentleman who knows what he wants.”

              I started questioning myself and thinking that the standards I had set for myself were superficial and unnatainable, so instead of at least finding a balance, I make too much of an effort to invest my time in someone blindsiding myself to the possible fact that they weren’t even worth it in the face place.

              Bottom line, i’m not a relationship phob, i haven’t been in a long term relationship in over 7 years, and I just recently put myself out back there hoping that my method of “dating” shows that you can come as you are and i’ll try to accept/appreciate you because you’ve shown me qualities that I think are beffiting.

              Yup, epic fail lol so its back to the drawing board for me.

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              • Michelle Says:

                Excuse my typos. My auto correct is failing me today

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              • Beta Male Says:

                If you didn’t want a relationship with him, why should you care that he decided to break things off?

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                • Michelle Says:

                  Because it was right after intimacy, and It made me feel played. Just because I was getting to know him didn’t mean that I was trying to make him my bf so quickly, but I realize that my actions may have stated otherwise and i’m owning that and moving forward.

                  Whether you’re casually dating someone or getting to know someone with the intent of a relationship, it never feels good to be ghosted on rigjt after sex.

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                  • Beta Male Says:

                    Dating involves risk. There’s no guarantee that someone won’t bail after sex. For all you know he probably had every intention of pursuing things further but once he sensed your ambivalence he decided to cut things off. Likely if things continued you probably would have cut things off eventually since you weren’t strongly feeling it. You ignored your own gut feelings about this relationship and extended things further than it should. The age difference and him having a kid were major factors that affected compatibility and shouldn’t have been dismissed lightly. If you aren’t feeling something then move on sooner rather than later. At least this was a lesson learned.

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              • Tinker Says:

                Don’t be so hard on yourself Michelle! As you are discovering, friends and family will have a lot to say about your choices and preferences if you let them- don’t let them. Don’t let everyone in to your decision making process. One, maybe two non-judgmental friends but that’s about it, relationships aren’t a choice you can make by committee and it’s so much easier when you figure out how you feel first.

                Did you enjoy having sex with him? Then don’t think of it as being used. Did you not enjoy it? Okay, not everyone is a match in bed, still don’t think of it as being used. It’s all information gathering.

                Bringing him so cookies wasn’t over the top, most guys would have no problem with that and more than a few would find it endearing.

                You’ve got to learn to trust yourself and your instincts but you will in time; this is a bump in the road, there is no deeper meaning to it so don’t let it get you down.

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          • coffeestop Says:

            If that is just how you are…serious question do you really feel appreciated? I love doing extra stuff like that for good long term friends or somebody I am dating exclusively but I think people have to earn the extras through effort themselves. Some dude you went out with five or six times should not rate that. I think a lot of women buy into this programming that we have to be nice and make everybody happy and blah blah and half the time we don’t end up being happy. A few weeks ago a man I dated exclusively last year called me fishing full of compliments about how great I was and how he missed my cooking and I told him straight up if he had not been an asshole he would still be eating my cooking. Sorry for you Bro but I have a high stress, high drama job and I cannot handle any bullshit in my personal life.

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            • Michelle Says:

              I didn’t feel as appreciated as I felt I should have, but I can’t take it back now. Like i said earlier, I am learing to be nice and generous to the people who derserve it and reciprocate it.

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              • coffeestop Says:

                Well, you are human, a good chunk of dating/relationship advice blogs and columns would not exist if we all just emotionally invested in people who did make us feel appreciated. The reality is people are often on their extra good behavior at the start and seem to be decent and after a while the mask slips, shit gets real, and that is when you find out if this person you are dating is an actual partner.

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  2. Yvonne Says:

    I definitely agree that Michelle was overly invested, and the man she was seeing picked up on that. They only had 5 dates and she had already baked him cookies and bought him a gift? That’s giving too much too soon.

    This man also probably works during the week, and then has his son every weekend. He really doesn’t have that much free time, although a 14 year old is starting to become much more independent. He may have felt that a younger, childless woman who was already so into him would be expecting more than he’d be ready to give.

    “he realized that he was so overwhelmed by online dating”. IMO, that is his way of saying that he’s seeing or interacting with other women online and he isn’t ready to commit to anything.

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    • Michelle Says:

      LW here. I agree that I shouldn’t have gotten a gift (I wish I could take that back), but I have to clarify a few things regarding the baked cookies etc. I am a professionsl food blogger and I develop my own recipes, and baking large scale quantities is part of what I do. I made a batch of cookies and i gave away some of them to my personal trainer because She loves it when I bring her treats. I was having a conversation with this guy and I sent him a photo of the cookies I made, then me said that he would love it if i brought him some on our next date if I could, but it was said jokingly. I brought him the leftover in a ziplock bag when i saw him on our next date because I had leftovers I had to get rid of, so that was not a big deal for me. He also knew about my food blog.

      The second time I brought him something I baked was when he invited me
      Over to his house and cooked me dinner. Be bringing anything was just a courtesy, not to win his affection. I have friends who invite me for dinner and I always bring something, whether its dessert or an appetizer, and since I make all my recipes from scratch, it made sense for me to do the same.

      I wasn’t the only person showing so much interest here, he did the same thing as well (payed for all the dates he innitiated and planned, cooked me dinner, even told me that he wanted to make sure I was actually looking for a relationship since girls my age can say one thing and mean another). Regarding being overwhelmed about online dating, i noticed that a few days before he backed off, he had deleted his ok cupid profile.

      Nonetheless, I have learned my lesson and will take a few steps back when dating.

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      • Luy Says:

        Oh, girl, you got played. You definitely need to get better at reading social situations and determining when you’re overinvesting compared to the other person. He didn’t show anywhere near as much interest as you. He pretty much did the minimum.

        “payed for all the dates he innitiated and planned”

        Yeah, like every guy ever.

        “cooked me dinner”

        Lemme guess, at his house, after which y’all had sex? Really common ploy. Dudes cook you dinner so you’ll come over to their place, and they want you over at their place so they can put the moves on you.

        “even told me that he wanted to make sure I was actually looking for a relationship since girls my age can say one thing and mean another”

        This just makes me angry. It is so unnecessary and patronizing. Woman, *he told you to your face that you’re either a liar or too stupid to know your own mind because you are young and female*. Why is he dating “girls your age” if they’re so untrustworthy and immature? Why is a 36 year old man with a 14 year old son dating glorified teenagers, period? Why were you dating him? You should’ve told him that, if he wants somebody mature, maybe he should date people his own age.

        This is another very common tactic: telling you that you’re not like other girls. You took it as affirmation that you’re special to him, but what he was really telling you is that he assigns really damning and specific characteristics to people simply based on their sex and age. i.e. that he’s a bigot.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          **This just makes me angry. It is so unnecessary and patronizing. Woman, *he told you to your face that you’re either a liar or too stupid to know your own mind because you are young and female*.**

          That reminds me of men always bitching that, “Women are so hard to read! Just tell us what you want!”

          Sure, sometimes that’s a fair point, but I try very hard to communicate well and directly, and yet I’d still hear this “women are so hard to read” complaint from certain guys I dated. It’s like – um, I DID tell you exactly what I wanted/needed and you just ignored it because you didn’t give a shit. And yet you’re still trying to make this about ME, imply that your selfishness is really me doing something wrong, somehow? See ya…

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            The tie-in to your point/the topic (so it’s not just a personal rant) being – it’s highly annoying relationship sabotage when men prioritize the “how women are” narrative in their head over listening to the actual woman right in front of them. (And sure, you could reverse the genders and say the same thing). I’m not sure if it’s conscious gaslighting or just being clueless about relationships or what, but it’s like nails on a chalkboard.

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      • Dan Says:

        I agree with Luy. You definited got played; pumped and dumped. What 30 something guy wouldn’t make a play to bed a twenty something available woman, consciously or unconsciously? You’ll learn that with more dating.

        As for being a food blogger, fair enough. Bringing cookies as a dinner gift is fine, but no more. If it’s your job, you shouldn’t be bringing so much of it upfront. Most people don’t want to hear about the other person’s job during dates. Even a ziplock bag of leftovers: sure this may be cute in a few examples, but it’s not the best common approach. Most men don’t find this endearing.

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  3. coffeestop Says:

    The last few dates I went on the other person literally told me what their red flags were, in one case I paid attention, and in the other I did not and got the hurt fell, I own that one. I think a lot of involved single parents tend to be looking for a partner that will conveniently fit into their lives, they do not have much flexibility. I think the OP should not have done the baked goods gift thing. That is only something I would do for somebody I had been involved with exclusively for a longer period of time.

    Also, most men will tell you they are looking for a long term relationship even if they aren’t because they know that is something many women waant to hear and it makes opening up the door for sex easier.

    Next, I don’t know how great it is to be completely honest and open with somebody you don’t know that well yet. I am not suggesting building a relationship of lies but eh, I am not going to tell my lifestory and goals to somebody I have not established some clear trust with. I think this guy might have thought he wanted a relationship and then abruptly changed his mind when OP showed she actually wanted one.

    I think the OP was too nice frankly, she was auditioning to hard for the reliable GF role. I think being too accommodating is just as counterproductive as being too demanding. I had a guy who I have seen a few times who has openly told me he sees other women get huffy when I turned him down for a Saturday date. I really did have plans but even if I did not I would never admit I was free to somebody still playing the field. I don’t have a problem with his honesty but I am not ditching plans with a long time friend for somebody like that. He got Sunday. For all I know he could ghost out next week, my friend won’t.

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    • SS Says:

      “I had a guy who I have seen a few times who has openly told me he sees other women get huffy when I turned him down for a Saturday date.”

      That’s what drives me crazy about these guys. Why do they expect to be treated like a priority when they treat you like an option?

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      • coffeestop Says:

        Everybody has a right to organize their dating life any way they want so I am not upset, he did lose a few points for being dumb and telling me openly he was dating other people. The friend I am going out with is about to be wrapped up in directing a play which I will see, she is a good comedic actress in local theatre so if I might not see her for a while. To me Saturday night is for good friends, an exclusive partner, or somebody who hasn’t already told me they are seeing other people. I have just gotten back in dating regularly over this last year and being too nice has not worked out well so I am being more self interested.

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      • Timothy Horrigan Says:

        Saturday is just another day of the week. Coffeestop is overthinking the whole Saturday night thing. And sometimes the specific outing the man wants to go on with you is something which only happens on Saturday night.

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  4. SS Says:

    “They spend their lives repeating the same pattern over and over again, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.”

    Absolutely this.

    I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen or heard of men saying “yeah I TOTALLY want a relationship – you’re the greatest EVAH!” until the question of commitment comes up and suddenly they disappear. I think these men realise that women equate sex with being in a relationship, and that’s when they decide shit just got real. It’s funny how they never decide the woman isn’t right for them or dating isn’t right for them *before* the sex.

    Anyway, OP – Moxie is spot on. Online dating is FULL of guys without sufficient game or energy in the real world, so they use online dating for their jollies with either zero intent or zero mental and emotional capability of having a relationship with anyone. I tend to believe it’s the guys who experience droughts that are most likely to pull the pump and dump.

    Remind yourself that this is (regrettably) regular behaviour perpetrated by online daters, and aside from perhaps going a bit too heavy, there’s nothing you could have done to avoid this guy’s crap.

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  5. Isambard Says:

    I think this bears repeating:

    “The site and continuous stream of users serves as a safety net. If one relationship doesn’t work it’s just back to the drawing board. You can engage people when the mood strikes you and disengage just as easily.”

    Excellent insight, Moxie!

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  6. Fyodor Says:

    I will say that I have had sex with women when I was younger only to suddenly feel trapped and overwhelmed afterwards. Part of experience and growing up is having more self awareness about these things. You are in as much or more danger from people with no self awareness than you are from tricksters and frauds.

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  7. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Jesus Christ, with the “generously,” she made him some cookies, she didn’t cover his mortgage payments. I don’t think I’ve ever dumped a woman for being “too generous.” More often (and quite often) the opposite. I would love some home baked cookies. Maybe pay for dinner once in a while too.

    I’m sorry but has this story not literally happened to everyone at one time or another. The commentary sounds like a bunch of space aliens trying to work out basic human social interaction. Well, I hope you are not here to serve man.

    Hint: He either was never really interested or lost interest at some point for reasons that will never be known. It does not matter what he (or she) says.

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    • Joey Giraud Says:

      and not being in a serious relationship for four years may well be because he hasn’t found a woman he really likes in that long.

      Not every guy prefers casual sex.

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  8. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    For intents and purposes, the question was really this:

    “After a few dates, I had sex with this guy, and he dumped me soon after. Was there any red flags I missed that would indicate he was only looking for sex?”

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  9. Julie Says:

    Michelle, I credit you for your courage in sharing your experiences in here so honestly. It is not easy especially when one dating experience goes so horribly wrong. Hugs to you, my friend. You are smart for having the guts to ask for feedback here instead of taking it personally and blaming yourself.

    Like the saying goes, you need wisdom to make good choices, good choices come from experience and experience comes from bad choices.

    In a nutshell, don’t blame yourself for someone who was a well, a D-bag (and that’s putting it mildly). If there’s one lesson you really want to take away from this; “When in doubt, Always listen to your gut”. It will never steer you wrong. Make people earn your trust. And don’t stop being the real You that you are inside. Honor yourself in this process

    When dating, you have to acknowledge that the other person will have to take responsibility for their own baggage.

    Just because you met a wrong guy, who did not appreciate how good you are because of his own issues, doesn’t mean that you need to nitpick everything you did over the 5 dates. At the same time, go at a slower pace henceforth to get to know someone. Most people can fake in the first few dates but when you take things slow while enjoying your own life, you will get to see this person for who he is. Instead of focusing on whether someone likes you, take time to evaluate if you like this person. Do you respect and trust him? Is this person a quality guy in the first place? You be the chooser and screen people for red flags earlier on. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Lucky you!

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  10. Bouganvillea Says:

    Well, I think it’s wrong to judge someone based on how long they’ve not had a relationship! Maybe the person wasn’t ready to “jump back on the horse” after a long term relationship! Maybe they didn’t want to date just for the sake of dating. Maybe they live in a rural area where there aren’t a lot of single people (that was my case, I’ve since moved to a large city in the Southwest.) Anyway, to call that a red flag is just not right. Also, what’s wrong with baking cookies or giving simple gifts out of the goodness of one’s heart? That used to be a traditional way for a girl to show a guy she is interested and vice versa. That’s the problem with young people today. They are so doggone suspicious and paranoid that they can’t appreciate nice gestures without reading into them!

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  11. Betty Says:

    I for one am really tired of this “overinvesting” crap. She wanted a relationship. He made it seem like he did too. She was nice to him. He flaked. And women love to blame themselves for these things when, in fact, he was an ineffectual man-child who does not know what he wants.
    Even if she didn’t get him a gift, make him cookies or “overinvest,” this relationship would have failed. In fact, she sped up the process by doing these nice relationship-y things, which is not altogether a bad thing. Five dates is better than five months in which to realize you are dating a shithead. It’s a gift.

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