Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): nb1972
Comment: I joined OKC a week ago. I’ve been on 3 dates, two with men who added about 5 in to their height, but were otherwise good for an hour of chat so the dates weren’t a total loss. And yes, I realize this is the norm, not the exception.
My third date suggested a restaurant, that I discovered was cash only when I arrived. I rarely carry cash, since most restaurants accept CCs, but figured I’d just run to the atm if need be. We actually had a great time, despite my lack of attraction. Time flew, we had a LOT to talk about, he was engaging, interesting, showing me pictures of his dog etc.. No attraction, but we were having a great time. But, he didn’t flirt with me at all, which struck me as a bit odd. I’m no model, but I’m objectively better looking then he. He then abruptly decides that we need to leave. He takes out his amex, and the bartender mentions cash only. No big deal right? ATM next door. But he doesn’t have his debit card with him. I suggest he leave his ID. No ID on him. I would have happily covered the entire bill but it was $175. But I have no choice so I go to the ATM and withdraw $250. When I return to the bar he is gone! The bartender says, ‘he thought you left for good, he’s on Bergen st!!’ Now, I was only gone for 10 min, as I was walking to my bank, and I didn’t receive any text from him telling me he was leaving. I pay the bill. I’m not about to go running around Bergen on some wild goose chase so I then text him asking where he is. No reply. I assume he’s just mortified, and that’s why he’s ignoring me. An hour later I send another ‘I went to get cash and you were gone’. An hour later another ‘listen, don’t worry about tonight, I’ve done that before’. Which I haven’t, but I was trying to help him save face, because I believed he was horrified. The next morning I receive this reply ‘let’s be honest. you never came back. you went to the grocery store and never returned. Lesson learned’. no idea where this grocery store comment came from but that’s incidental. I wanted to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but the more I thought about it, the more suspicious I became. Who goes out on a date in nyc with only an AMEX, and no ID or any way to get cash on a date? If you have an Amex, you’re often told no, so you know that many bars don’t accept it and you bring an alternate form of payment. And he picked the bar, he must have known it was cash only. So, I was informed by a friend that this is a thing. Male version of dinner whores. And that the way to avoid this was to make the first date a coffee date. Coffee dates? they’re sterile and boring. Drinks dates are fun. Or, if we’re getting drinks, to never ever ring up a large tab or order food. Well what if I decide I’m hungry? And we’re drinking expensive drinks, and I can afford my half? That’s part of the fun of dating. And, this guy was an entertainment lawyer (he claims). Even if that was a lie, I could tell he was educated and well employed, this is not someone who needs a free meal. So, is this really a common thing? Any tipoffs? Because I didn’t see any. It wasn’t even scheduled as a dinner date- I was just hungry and we decided to order food at the bar. But he was drinking really expensive port.
You’re right to wonder who leaves their house without their ID, a debit card, or cash or at least one of those things. I had my wallet stolen years ago and inside was not just my State ID but my social security card because my father always carried his in his wallet (I know, lesson learned.) I went a loooong time without that ID. When I got it replaced, I put it in the wallet I keep in my purse for when I go out. I don’t carry my ID with me unless I know I’m going somewhere were I could be carded because I’m so afraid to lose it again. The social security card now resides in a lock box with all my other pertinent documentation. So I can give someone a pass for not having their ID on them, and for not having cash because many people no longer carry cash.
But no debit card? That’s fishy. And why couldn’t he take a cash advance on his credit card? Pretty much every credit card allows for that, no? Granted, this is a seriously awkward situation, but there were various ways this guy could have resolved the issue. Leave the card with the bar and then bring cash the next day or call with debit card info, etc.
Could it have been a scam? Eh, I guess. But there were a lot of unknown factors that he couldn’t have anticipated that makes me think it wasn’t. What if the bar brushed it off and said, “Hey, just call us when you get home with your debit card info.” What if you refused to pay for it? The venue has to have a way to accept electronic payment.Especially since this must happen all the time. Who looks to check if a venue accepts credit cards?
To me, this feels like he wasn’t interested and decided he didn’t want to pay the tab himself. Once you left the bar, he took the window of opportunity presented and left. His response to you about accusing you of leaving was just to get you off his back. He certainly wasn’t going to admit that he left you to pay that bill. My guess is that he did have his debit card on him, and probably his ID. He just wanted to avoid having to pay the bill. Did he set out to chew and screw? I don’t think so. I think he decided to do it when he realized he wasn’t interested. He may have selected a cash only place for this very reason, but I think that was the extent of the con. If he was interested, I think he would have paid. If he never intended to pay and just wanted to humiliate a woman, then that’s some serious “In the Company of Men” style nastiness. If you haven’t seen that movie, watch it to get an idea of just how cruel some people can be.
As we’ve discussed here, the first date at a restaurant should really be considered a red flag. Few people do that anymore, especially with online dates. The dinner on the first date is relegated to two types of people – the ones looking for sex or a free meal, and the ones trying too hard. Seasoned daters know not to do this, especially in New York City. Pro tip: never choose a seat at the bar for a first date. It’s not conducive to talking or getting to know someone. Get a table. How you managed to amass a tab of $175 while sitting at the bar is a little curious, but whatever. If you two were sitting at the bar, then how is it that at no point during the date the bartender/server never mentioned the cash only policy? How did he pay for his rounds of expensive merlot? To start a tab you usually if not always have to leave some form of ID with the bar. Unless, of course, the bartender knew him. Or the bartender was spectacularly bad at his job. I’m starting to think that this guy does this regularly. He takes women out, wines and dines them in the hopes of getting laid. He pays when he thinks that is going to happen, and chews and screws when he doesn’t. Stay classy, dude. And I think he takes them to that bar or a bar where the staff knows him.
He abruptly decided to leave because, even though you thought you were out of his league, he wasn’t into you. He saw that the night wasn’t going to end in a way that would justify spending $250, so he bailed. And..scene.