Are People Sick Of Traditional Online Dating?

March 13th, 2016

NEW!, NOPE!, OKCupid, Online Dating

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This is why I can’t be bothered with online dating anymore.  First, this jizz bag sends me an email and doesn’t even have any photos on his profile that show his face. Then he follows up his first irritating email with another one as though he was entitled to a response despite making zero effort.

Then there’s this:

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He’s just being honest, folks!  And the worst part is that his (one!) picture was relatively decent. You all know what I’m talking about: you get an email from someone and they look appealing and not like some basement dwelling jar head or shut in. You get a little excited thinking maybe this person isn’t a total loser.

Okay. Maybe this site isn’t bad after all. Let’s just take a look at that profile and….

Look, I love a man who knows his way around a vagina. I really do. I’m not offended at his “honesty”, I’m bored by all the cliche nonsense people say in these profiles. And not just “I work hard and play hard stuff”. I’m talking about all the people who have infiltrated these sites talking about how they’re looking for “one special lady” or their “one true love.”

OKCupid has always been on the sketchy side, but that site has taken a gigantic turn for the worst in the past year. Am I the only one noticing how fewer and fewer new profiles appear when you do a search for people new within the last week? I can sometimes go a couple of days without seeing any new members. That never used to happen.

And what about the absolute dearth of users actually filling out their profiles anymore? Or how it seems like the only people using these platforms all live in the suburbs?

The thing I hate most about this transition from reasonably effective dating site to Losers on Parade is that it’s turned me into the very thing I hate: a grouchy, bitchy dating blogger.

I can not be the only person picking up on the general malaise people are feeling in regards to these sites and apps, can I?

 

Thoughts?

AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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25 Responses to “Are People Sick Of Traditional Online Dating?”

  1. bbdawg Says:

    I haven’t been online “dating” in more than a year. I met someone I liked and that didn’t work out so I have been focusing on career stuff instead.

    I feel like Tinder in some respects raised the bar – it quickly prevented the endless horrible emails. OkC is just too unpleasant. Then Tinder, well, it also had the bad side of attracting men who are married or lying or just wanting casual hook-ups.

    Online dating in a way created a market for casual sex with little or no takers on the female side. And the more sex offers you get the more turned off you become from online dating. At the same time, men have become more and more aggressive in terms of soliciting sex with nothing to offer in return, not realizing (or not caring?) that this is exactly what turns women off.

    After I read that book “Attached” a bulb went off: it explained that online dating attracts exactly the type of men who have no interest in having real emotional connections with anyone, who are on there forever. I decided that once I transition into the field I want to, I am just going to be social and meet people that way. Online is pretty much a waste of time IMO.

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    • SS Says:

      ^All of this.

      Very well said.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      For years, my married friends have gone on and on that I should be doing online dating. It just never appealed to me, for the reasons you’ve just described. I’m certainly no expert, but there’s not a damn thing wrong with meeting people the old-fashioned way.

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    • Noquay Says:

      Ditto here

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  2. Timothy Horrigan Says:

    Tinder also has the disadvantage of not telling women how tall the guys are. A man doesn’t necessarily have to be six feet tall, but once you get below 5 foot 10 or 5 foot 9 or so, it doesn’t matter how handsome his face might be or how smart or funny or talented he is. Nothing can overcome his extreme lack of height when it comes to the online dating game.

    Actually there’s two elements to this issue. A man should be six feet tall, but he should also tower over the woman. If the woman is especially petite, like perhaps 5 feet 2 or less, and the man has enough good qualities, maybe he can be as short as 5 foot 7 or so. He isn’t six feet tall, which is not good— but at least he is significantly taller than the woman.

    Unfortunately, on Tinder it is very hard to know tall the people are.

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    • Cooldude Says:

      Nice trolling, unless…you’re just actually that shallow.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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      • Timothy Horrigan Says:

        I was making a sarcastic comment… I guess that can be called “trolling.”

        I have noticed, and this is not meant as trolling or sarcasm (although you are entitled to your own perceptions): the women on Tinder who make the most fuss about how tall they are tend not to be not so incredibly tall themselves. They’re merely at the upper end of the average range. If a lady feels the need to mention her height it is almost always 5 foot 7 or 5 foot 8; and never below 5 foot 6 (unless she is really short and is pointing out that she is a good thing which comes in a small package.)

        The very tall women (the 6 footers) let their pictures speak for themselves, and men of all heights are happy to listen. The women who feel the need to warn those hideously short dudes to stay away from them because OMG they are very tall and wearing heels is very important to them and therefore they can only be with very, very tall men usually describe themselves with some not so exceptional numbers like “5 foot 7; 5 foot 10 in heels.”

        No sensible man you want anything to do with minds a woman being taller than himself. Even most senseless men feel that way. And no sensible man would tell a woman what shoes she should wear.

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  3. TTFK Says:

    A small side issue I remember from my online dating days: when signing up floor a new site, occasionally you can’t always answer every question properly in one sitting, or you have photo upload issues, etc. The Skye throws up your empty “profile” regardless and shoots the shell out to the world. I wish they had a “publish now” button so it only got posted when ready.

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  4. PGH Gal Says:

    You are definitely not alone. I have always been damned optimistic about life in general, but I have noticed a major shift downhill in terms of quality of profiles, new profiles and the like. I have noticed myself having very cynical thoughts lately and I don’t like it one bit. But I also realize it’s a natural reaction to the awful turn online dating has made of late.

    Whatever, I travel, I hang out with my dog and I keep it moving. I’ll find dude somehow.

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  5. Zaire Says:

    I signed into OKC after 2 years and the very first message I got was from a guy who messaged me at least 4 separate times under various screen names, I’ve never responded to him. I looked around the site and it was the same people and pics from the last go round. I deactivated my account shortly after. I’ll just have to make it work in person.

    I too read “Attatched” around New Years and I have to agree online dating disproportionately attracts two extremes (avoidants and anxious/desperate). That observation was confirmed when I logged in and saw the same people from 3 years ago.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      There’s a guy on OKCupid who messages me every month or so who admits in his profile he’s been kicked off OKCupid. No matter how many times I’ve replied to say please stop messaging me, no matter how many times I’ve blocked him, he just keeps popping up in my inbox. This has been going on FOR YEARS. Literally years. I’ll unhide my profile for a day and I get deluged with crappy emails and visits from guys in other states or the suburbs. It just never changes. I think OKCupid is now for the people who live outside of major metropolitan cities who get no attention on Tinder.

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  6. Steve Says:

    Bad behavior was rewarded in the past, so these folks are doing what works for them.

    Men are usually transparent and obvious with their approach at least.

    Women?

    I’ve yet to see a gal mention that she is looking for a…home owner in her profile.

    In person? Quite a lot.

    So, while men are sometimes clumsily throwing ‘Hail Marys’ online in their pursuit of sex, women flirt to get a date and then start inquiring about how much ‘security’ you bring to the table.

    YMMV

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    • Laure Says:

      About security on the table: what about when the guy tells you about it spontaneously?

      Happened to me once. This guy told me on the first date about him having his own place and even an extra lot. I didn’t quite understand why he did this. He was overly shy and not very good looking, it really made me feel like he wanted to become more attractive by telling me about his “security”. A desperate move?

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  7. Steve Says:

    Regarding Attachment?

    Good stuff regarding avoidants and anxious/desperate types.

    In layman speak, this really boils down to how you both feel after sex, between the dates.

    Mutual chemistry after the sex.

    Clingy doesn’t exist when the chemistry is mutual, IMHO.

    No science jargon needed to explain.

    Most folks sense when someone is settling on them.

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    • Missy Says:

      I think the thing that makes this tricky is that “chemistry” is a confusing concept, especially for people with anxious attachment styles dating people with avoidant attachment styles. If it were as simple as you say, the book Attached would not be such a game-changer for so many people.
      And the fact is there are ways you can screen for and identify people with avoidant attachment styles without having to have sex with them to find out whether they’re going to fade or ghost after… Which is fine for people who are self-aware and comfortable with casual sex, not so much for people who don’t understand their own attachment style or are not ok with casual sex.
      People with avoidant attachment styles often come on strong, sweep you off your feet, and as a result the chemistry is intense and exciting.
      Yes, most folks sense when someone is not returning their feelings. Partly because “most folks” have a secure attachment style. In an interaction between people with avoidant and anxious styles, it is much less clear: the avoidant person has probably been sending mixed messages, and the anxious person is probably confused, upset/triggered, and being told (by self or others) not to be so negative or worried. But actually that feeling of being triggered is the clue for an anxious person that they’re dealing with an avoidant person. Paying attention to that, and not to feeling “chemistry,” is what can help. Avoidants are more prevalent in the dating pool in general, especially online. So knowing what your own style is, and how to identify others’ styles, is super helpful in online dating.

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  8. Rocky Says:

    On the General point:

    I agree that the quality of profiles has declined somewhat. I do see a lot of match profiles that look like they should be on tinder. That said, I think there are still a fair amount of good profiles out there. Part of the problem is that some of the good profiles will be ones you just don’t connect with, for whatever reason.

    On attachment styles and online dating:

    I agree that online dating is heavily populated by avoidants. I’m less convinced that this is a trait of online dating so much as, the older you get, the single population becomes more heavily populated by avoidants. Also, I think for this discussion, it is hard to distinguish avoidants from what I will call “non-self-aware anxious” types. These are the ones who have not yet learned that they should be looking for people who calm their attachment systems, rather than people who make it antsy. They are the women PUA was designed for. They will reject people for silly reasons and move on quickly, just like avoidants.

    On whether online dating works:

    It does. I have 3 friends who married people they met online so I know it works. Obviously there is nothing wrong with meeting people the old fashioned way if you do. But most people don’t. I think from the people I know, the main lesson I can think of is this: all of them wanted a relationship. none of them were the “I’m doing just fine unless something knocks my socks off” types. Make of that what you will.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **Obviously there is nothing wrong with meeting people the old fashioned way if you do. But most people don’t.**

      It’s quite possible that the folks who’d rather meet people in person are more outgoing/have more extensive social networks than I do, but I found that when I took the, “Just go out and be social and see what happens” route – sure, I’d have a nice time drinking, laughing, and chatting with people. But absolutely none of them were single and/or compatible.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        I am a big proponent of taking breaks from online dating if it’s wearing you down and you feel like you’re starting to develop a bad attitude about it. I just know, in the last couple years anyway, I didn’t meet anyone to date unless I made an effort to specifically look where I knew there were single people.

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        • mxf Says:

          Same here. In fact, I wish I hadn’t needed a couple of years after my last break-up to get my feet wet in the IRL dating scene before I started online dating. Now I know that being 32 instead of 34 could have made my online pool that much bigger. Also, I would have advised earlier-me to pay good attention to that first wave of messages the first month or so. When I did join I definitely went on a handful of dates, but I had no sense of what the pace of prospects would be, so I eased in really slowly and probably missed some nice guys. I think Moxie is right in that the returns dwindle the longer you’re on a particular site, and it feels like the same shallow pool of incompatible people after awhile, which is discouraging and frustrating and eats away at any normal optimism. I got very handy with the blocking function, though, and did not experience any repeat pop-ups of the same people I’d blocked… Maybe that varies by city?

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  9. Noquay Says:

    Was on OKC two years ago and even then, it was a compendium of misfits. One dude bet on racing dogs for a living, which wasn’t working well, two were overweight to the point that they were unrecognizable in person, plus the same parade of locals which I try hard to avoid, are attracted because the site is free and theyre jobless. Wish sites didn’t match you up according to zip code. It is the same folks over and over and some other sites (Match, Fitness Singles, Our Time) have most of them on as well. In this state anyway, the other commenters are spot on; lots of avoidants and the desperate. Despite the challenges of trying to date while living in a mountain town where one only meets new folk three months out of the year, I am sticking with IRL until I can retire and leave.

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  10. myself Says:

    I have mentioned before that I just don’t bother with online dating. First off, I’m an acquired taste as I’m a bit of an odd duck as well as overweight, and I find I do better in person. The “ooooooooooooo nice tits” emails (with nothing else) have come to a head (no pun intended at all) and I just can’t be fucking bothered any more with the shit-tastic specimens.

    That being said, I am where you are with the “I can no longer be bothered to date” thing. I get interested parties, and as usual, it’s me that just isn’t interested. I have other things on my plate that I deem more important right now. I die alone I die alone…I have no energy to expend on this crapola.

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  11. Nia Says:

    Although the last time I online dated was about 18 months or so ago, I certainly had the same complaints. It seemed like there were a LOT of people that really lacked self awareness, to be polite. I didn’t get too many crude remarks, perhaps because I’m a bit older than the general target for them (at the time I was 35) or my oddball brainy profile discouraged them? (Thankfully). I sure did get a lot of “hi” or barely literate or downright red flaggy stuff (like garbled nonsense with sections of all caps—super scary).

    I tended to go on what’s written rather than pictures (in general) since while pictures are important, and people who don’t post them are very suspect, pictures can’t show you education level, how articulate they are, how carefully they think/plan/act and other things. Well…they can sometimes, but you have to be CSI: OKC to analyze that and who has time for that? :)
    That did lead me to go on a lot of “no way” first dates where there was zero chemistry or interest, but it also prevented the “out of my league why did he ghost” thing too.

    My general barometer is that when you get to the point of telling people off or trying to set them straight, it’s time for a break and a reset. YMMV.

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  12. Jaded Jeff Says:

    OKC has turned into a cesspool in my area. Even worse, if you troll the “new profiles” you’ll quickly find that at least half of them are spammer accounts.

    I’ve spent that last 5-6 months on Match, OKC, Tinder, & Bumble. The only luck I’ve had on both OKC and Match are from women who contacted me directly offering to send pictures. These were attractive, professional women.. doctors & lawyers. For whatever reason, most of my fishing attempts have come up empty. So, I’m content with going out with women who show initial interest- that skips so much of the BS.

    Tinder has been a goldmine. I’ve even had women who ignored my messages on OKC contact me on Tinder. They were so inundated on OKC that they didn’t even see my message. I like to say that Tinder is like picking up women at a bar, but Bumble is like trying to pick up a contestant at a beauty pageant.

    I think those who get the most from online dating go in with very few expectations. I did a ton of research before I started so I wasn’t completely shocked with what I found. I don’t expect to have a date until the women is sitting across from me, and even then I’m happy if it just turns out to be a friendship.

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  13. Steve from the city next door Says:

    I think you are way behind the times. 7 years ago when I got laid off and decided to let my account run out…at that time online dating was already well into the decline. 10 or so years ago every single person I knew was on at least one site but then at 7 I think it was only about 25%. I don’t hear about online dating except on this blog and people I know don’t use online dating. Tinder brought in a little bump of use.

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  14. JMan Says:

    I’ve used online dating for the past few years and have gotten a lot of dates, but nothing serious has come from them. Only people who wanted to keep seeing me were ones that either used misleading pictures or ones who were batshit crazy or clingy.

    I think the biggest issue with online dating is that people have so many options that you could have a great date with someone and think the next best thing is a click/swipe away and vice versa.

    As far as the quality of profiles go, I totally agree. I seem to come across a lot of women who have blank or just flat out generic profiles. There are some interesting ones here and there but there’s a bunch that say just ask *rolls eyes* or list generic interests like Food, exercising, outdoors, music, movies, and reading *also rolls eyes*. It’s like why not be more specific so we don’t ask you generic questions?

    I don’t expect a life story on someone’s profile but generic profiles will get generic messages.

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