Should She Stick With The Separated Guy Or Nah?

Name: Tiffany Anne

:
Question: I’m a 45 year-old woman, divorced about 3 years.  I have been actively looking to find a long-term partner; not necessarily marriage, just someone to be in a committed relationship with.  After sifting through pretty much every single online dating site for the past couple of years, I met this really great guy.  I turned out to be the first person he contacted, like ever.  I mean, he had literally just separated from his wife when we started chatting (he was still living with is wife) and was just starting to browse through the online dating world.  When I found out his situation, I told him I didn’t really want to date a guy that hadn’t moved out of his family home.  So he moved out 2 weeks later and we started to date.  It’s been an amazing few months and I’m smitten – like completely head over heals for him.  We spend what little free time actively doing things together.  The sex is phenomenal, too.

His marriage had been on the rocks for years, with the last couple being really terrible.  They are now going through the motions of divorce with lawyers, etc and things are moving forward.  He has been clear that he’s not sure what he’s looking for, but knows that he enjoys my company and wants to spend time with me.

My friends think it’s crazy that I’m dating a guy right out of his marriage for the obvious reasons (rebound, emotionally not available, etc).  At the same time, I’ve heard the theory that good guys get snatched up as soon as they are out of their marriages because, let’s face it, they are the proverbial unicorns.  He seems to genuinely like me and isn’t seeing other people.  But at the same time, the chances of this relationship turning into more seems so unlikely, not because of anything he has said or done, but more based on the odds that someone recently separated (and has also has no other experience dating) isn’t really good relationship material.

I think the part that is the biggest red flag is that he isn’t hiding me necessarily, but he certainly hasn’t told anyone about me either.  All of my friends know that I’m dating him, but no one is his world knows that I exist.  It bothers me, but it’s still very early in his separation and I think he’s still trying to figure out how to deal with this all.

I really want to see where things go with him because so far it’s been amazing, but at the same time, I’m not getting any younger and finding a long-term partner is really what I am looking for.  You can tell I’ve been going back and forth, looking at all of this from as many angles as I can.  Should I just enjoy the ride?  Or cut him loose and keep trudging through the hell known as online dating, again?
Age: 45

 

I don’t think it’s crazy that you’re dating someone who literally just separated from his wife. People co-exist in dead marriages all the time, sometimes for years. Just because he’s only now deciding to end things doesn’t necessarily mean he’s unsure or too discombobulated to think straight. Either way, it’s prudent to approach these people with caution. Most of them are too busy trying to get acclimated to their new reality to really focus on a relationship. Right now, you’re like water to a man dying of thirst. He’ll do anything to get to you, but once he does get it, he’ll probably move on.  That’s what most people are like as their relationships fall apart. They seek out the things they were missing out on by being married. Liek sex, for example.

What is a red flag is that he’s told you that he doesn’t know what he’s looking for. That’s code for, “I don’t want a relationship with you.” That is the only bad omen in this scenario that matters. Everything else is just an outlier to the real issue. Of course no one in his world knows you exist. Think of how that will look: guy separates from his wife and immediately has a new girlfriend? We both know that if you were on the other side of that and playing the casual observer, you’d assume he cheated. At least I would, but then I’m too suspicious for my own good.

Let’s be real here: you didn’t have the wherewithal to reject his advances even when you knew he was still living with his wife and was already on a dating site. (Which, btw, is a huge red flag that this guy is kind of a douche.) The guy couldn’t wait a month or two before jumping on OKCupid? Really?

As such, you’re probably going to keep dating him anyway regardless of what I or your friends or your gut tells you. You’re already naming the Yorkshire Terriers you two will have despite all the warning signs. We’re human beings. We’re stupid.  That why when I read nonsense like this I roll my eyes.  No, she didn’t break up with her doucherag boyfriend. The guy dropped her like a bad habit, but she’ll send one obligatory face saving text strictly so she can claim she was the one who ended it. Ninety-nine point nine percent of stories like this are utter bullshit. If the storyteller had the integrity and dignity they claimed they had, they never would have been dating that person in the first place.

He seems to genuinely like me and isn’t seeing other people.

Says who? Say him? Okay. Sure. Let’s go with that. You have no idea what he’s doing when he isn’t with you. I don’t understand why people do not get the concept of diplomacy and how it relates to dating. People lie, not because they’re malicious or sinister, but because it is in their best interest to do so. Asking someone what they’re looking for or whether or not they’re sleeping with someone else or if they’ve ever cheated or when their last relationship was is pointless. Most people know what the other person wants to hear, and so they say that just to keep things moving along.

OP,  you can keep dating this man, but I would keep your options open and not get attached. He’s told you to your face he’s not looking for a relationship. That’s all you need to know. Yes, sometimes these things work out, but most times they don’t. I know that the idea of going back online probably fills you with apprehension, but better to do it know when you’re not reeling from being blinsided by this guy.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
, , , , ,

52 Responses to “Should She Stick With The Separated Guy Or Nah?”

  1. bbdawg Says:

    Speaking from experience here, if the OP is looking for a LTR I would suggest taking a break, like, asap. Separated men are often in denial about their situation and need validation. They will sometimes not see you as a “person” with needs but as a “stage”, an “experience” until they “figure out what they want”.

    If you’re serious about this guy the best bet would be to stop seeing him and ask him to contact you once the papers are signed. In order to develop a healthy relationship with anyone you both need clear boundaries. He’s still married. Divorce can take YEARS. Nope, you’re not his “girlfriend” – he’s a MARRIED person. He’s not actually available, and no, he should not flaunt you to friends – that could make him look really bad in court.

    I had an incredible connection with a separated man. 1.5 years later and the divorce is not done. My advice to anyone who meets someone who is in the midst of this is, DON’T. These folks are going through A LOT of changes. If you’re looking for stability you’re going opposite directions. Plus, he has TOLD you he is not looking for anything serious.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 6

    Reply

  2. SS Says:

    Wow that nearly made my head explode.

    OP – PLEASE DEAR GOD tell me that you’ve been to his place and he is absolutely definitely living alone?

    If not, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and immediately realize that there’s a 99.9% probability that he’s a cheating POS.

    However, if you have seen his place, I still have concerns:

    “I turned out to be the first person he contacted, like ever.”

    You’re the best I’ve ever had baby. That’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen! Of course I’ll respect you in the morning… I mean.. I know I’m a bitter cynic but this smells like BS to me.

    “he was still living with is wife”

    WTF? Yes yes dead for years blah blah. I’ve lost count of cheated wives who had zero knowledge that their marriage was dead. It’s right out of the cheater handbook. I don’t know about divorce laws in each state but I believe at least in some you can NOT claim you are separated unless you are living SEPARATELY.

    “When I found out his situation”

    I’m curious as to the timeframe for this revelation. Because if for any reason it wasn’t in his profile or in his first communication, then I smell bullshit again. Drip feeding negative information is very manipulative and dysfunctional behaviour.

    “what little free time”

    You didn’t mention kids. Why is his free time so limited????

    “So he moved out 2 weeks later”

    Wait.. so he wasn’t *planning* on moving out until some rando off the internet told him he had to? And then he magically made that happen 2 weeks later? If he was so wondrously separated, why wasn’t he already in his own place?

    “he certainly hasn’t told anyone about me either.”

    Whilst I understand the idea that some people would think there was a cheating element, close friends and family would know that you didn’t exist until y’all met a few months ago. Isn’t he telling them he’s online dating? If not, WHY not? Wouldn’t they be happy for him (because its been dead just sooooo long) and want to see him move on? If you’re feeling bold I’d be inclined to ask him straight out why he’s not introducing you.

    All in all there are so many things that stink to me about his behaviour I’m finding it hard to get to grips with the whole thing. Above all that, I believe there’s a fundamental lack of integrity in online dating while you’re still living with your spouse. My opinion is also informed by my experience of a handful of men who did the same… all of whom ultimately and reluctantly revealed that they had actively cheated way before the separation.

    I GET that you don’t want to get back out there, BELIEVE me I really do. It’s a cesspool for sure. But these so called amazeballs people are called unicorns for a reason: unicorns do not exist.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 28 Thumb down 6

    Reply

    • ? Says:

      How about situations where husbands and wives are separated but living under the same roof for whatever (mainly financial) reason and each party are aware that the other is sleeping with other people ? Not sure how common this is, but I personally know one such pair – friends with both the man and the woman. The woman really has no love left for the man, but is allowing him to stay under the same roof because he has more money to give her for the children, than if he had to maintain a separate household. She really doesn’t care what he does, as long as he takes it away from the house and the money keeps coming to her. He is happy to stay under the same roof because he gets to see his children daily and participate in their daily lives. The woman says she does not need sex but knows he will probably go out to get some. She knows the day might come eventually when he wants to move on with another woman, but will cross that bridge when it comes to it.
      Suits both parties, but the children get confused and will probably get weird notions of relationships when they grow up

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

      Reply

      • ? Says:

        As an aside, the man did ask me out, but I declined due to the weirdness of his situation, the fact that I personally know his ex-wife and is on speaking terms with her, and also because I didn’t find him all that attractive. If I had, I would have written to Moxie and gotten a post written up on this weird situation.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

        Reply

      • fuzzilla Says:

        How is that a good deal/desirable situation for the new woman dating the man? I get what you’re saying about, “No, look, it’s all above board, he’s not lying,” but what’s the incentive for the single woman?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

        Reply

        • fuzzilla Says:

          If a woman knows all she wants is casual sex (maybe she’s recently separated herself, maybe she has an open relationship), then built-in limitations like that might be ideal. Otherwise, she may not want a relationship right that second, but knowing right at the gate there will be all these huge barriers to a relationship progressing? The vast majority of women would “nah, bro” right the hell outta there.

          What kills me is guys with all that baggage expecting a woman to be “all in” for them. If you’re not “all in” for her, then what do you care and why is it any of your business if she dates other people?

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

          Reply

  3. Timothy Horrigan Says:

    We don’t know how tall this guy is. If all the other guys the OP has been online dating are all 5 foot 9 or less, and this guy is 6 feet tall, of course he’s going to seem more attractive in spite of his obvious deficiencies. He is after all, not short. We also don’t know how far away he lives: is he within the magic 25-mile radius?

    That said, there are nice tall men out there who are available, many of who live within a 25-mile radius, and maybe she should seek one of those guys out.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 21

    Reply

    • fuzzilla Says:

      Apparently someone’s up for a game of Dead Horse Comment Bingo.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nk3ZN3dSeDk

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 3

      Reply

      • SS Says:

        LMAOOOOOOoooooo!

        I’m starting to wonder if it would be fun to have an ATWYS bingo card for commenters and questioners. :)

        “Narcissist” in the middle square.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2

        Reply

    • Timothy Horrigan Says:

      We also don’t know how old this guy is… Although we do know that most of the other men who reply to this woman’s profile will be aged 46 on up to much more than 46. Her specified age range is highly unlikely to top out anywhere above 50, and it almost certainly goes down somewhere into the 30s. If he is still in his 30s, or even if he is merely 40-44, he will seem vastly more attractive (his obvious shortcomings notwithstanding) than all those feeble and superannuated 50-something codgers who keep hitting on her and disreqarding her age specifications. Be that as it may, there are plenty of actually available men in their 30s, some of whom are also tall enough. There’s no need to put up with this guy.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 10

      Reply

      • SS Says:

        Timothy… (always loved the name Timothy :) )… please. FFS.

        Of my 3 long(est) term relationships, 2 were 5’8″ and one was 5’6″.

        I’ve looked for and dated men up to 58. Haven’t dated a man in his 30s for almost 15 years and don’t really wish to do so.

        I’m probably risking people giving me the side-eye right now, but shoot – we bring ourselves and our *attitude* to the table.

        Tom Cruise is allegedly 5’7″ and is usually considered to have been a sex symbol his entire career.

        Please, let it go. Don’t make us add you to the bingo card….

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 3

        Reply

        • coffeestop Says:

          I am not attracted to Tom Cruise but it is more his freak public personality than his height. I am 5’1 so I never had a problem dating short dudes because they are still taller than me.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

          Reply

          • BTownGirl Says:

            I’m 5’1″ as well and basically anyone over 5’6″ (male or female) reads like a giant to me haha! 5’10″? Shit, I thought you were LeBron! You know what’s funny though? I would say the majority of the men that wind up asking me out are 6′ and above and the men I know that are much more height-appropriate for me seem to be interested in taller women. Weird, I tell you, just weird!

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

            Reply

          • SS Says:

            I’m (weirdly?) smack dab in the middle of 5’5 and 5’6.

            So for some guys when I wear heels I almost tower over them.

            I’ve never paid much attention to height on profiles but it’s always kind of amused me when some bloke has “5’10” on his profile.. we meet…and I’m taller than him.

            Mate – they’re high heels, not fucking stilts.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

            Reply

  4. BTownGirl Says:

    I don’t see anything wrong with dating someone who is separated/newly divorced (only he and his ex-wife know exactly what happened and speculating is useless), but this particular guy is throwin’ up the red flags and I’d keep my options open if I were you.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 8

    Reply

    • SS Says:

      Ok here’s the thing. When I was online dating most recently, several of the separated men that contacted me (and I ignored) contacted me again to say “hello where are youuuu”… to which I responded that having been through divorce myself, my belief that despite *thinking* that you’re compos mentis, hindsight offers a very different perspective. YMMV blah blah.

      True story: when I first moved to NC I was all like “fuck that guy, it’s been a shitstorm the entire time, I am TOTALLY over it by now and TOTALLY ready to date..”

      My first Match date was a guy that had been married and divorced 4 times and proceeded to hit on the waitress the entire night. As soon as I got home I logged back on and deleted my profile. Maybe a year later I signed up for OkStupid… and met one of the aforementioned men that said “yeah well I created a profile but I didn’t do anything” that changed to “yeah well I also contacted a high school ex on FB but didn’t do anything” that changed to “yeah we totally boned.”

      When he finally admitted that bon mot (of his own volition and out of the blue) I SOBBED like a little girl for probably an hour and then agreed to consider (at his request) still dating him despite his revelations.

      If that happened today? Man, I’d have to restrain myself from kicking him in the nuts. Considering whether I would continue to date him (the fucking cheating fuckwad) would be a no-brainer.

      I review the choices and mindsets etc of myself, people I’ve dated, people I’ve met, friends et al… and shit, if we weren’t all irrefutably fucked up long term by the experience.

      I don’t know. I think I’m about a decade older than you (??) so divorce is possibly more prevalent in my immediate friend/acquaintance environment. You can recover, of course. But I do believe that the experience of divorce changes one at their core.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 5

      Reply

      • BTownGirl Says:

        Ahhhhh, this is one of those things that’s SO dependent on the individual. If a dude’s a dick, he’s most likely going to still be a dick five years post-divorce, am I right? It’s tough, because you really can’t know what happened from the outside and, like all dating situations, you just have to rely on your own good judgment. The guy I’m dating has been divorced for around two years and I’ve never asked what happened (because let’s be honest, if he did anything that reflects poorly on him, he’s not going to tell me all about it!), so it hasn’t been an issue (that I can tell, of course). It’s funny you mention peers that have divorced, because one woman who’s in my general social circle was the first one to get divorced…because she cheated on her husband with not one, but two (TWO) different men. The irony of this being that she comes off as kind of quiet and shy, so you just never know!

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

        Reply

        • SS Says:

          Agreed.

          But… ooochiwawa.

          “can’t know what happened from the outside”

          Yes. But I have gotten waaaaay better at decoding the BS and nuances in the last few years particularly.

          “he’s not going to tell me all about it”

          Here’s where I disagree. I have yet to meet a cheater that doesn’t fairly readily admit he’s a cheater. Even if on the drip feed. Recently I read an article on psychologytoday.com (my daily read :) ) that said the best way to discover a narcissist is to ask them. Narcissists will readily admit they are narcissists because they believe that denotes them as superior. Even people that deny they’ve ever cheated demonstrate shady behaviour that starts making you think…now why would you say/do that?

          “you just never know”

          I didn’t used to for sure, but experience bashed me upside the head and now I think I’m pretty spot on.

          Like I said, I am bitter and twisted. And I absolutely don’t want to pee on anyone’s parade. But when I see those oh so familiar signs and habituations…. I would absolutely want someone to warn me. *Shrugs* each to their own.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 3

          Reply

          • BTownGirl Says:

            You’re absolutely right…personally, I should assume that the perfectly lovely guy I’ve been seeing is both a cheater AND a clinically diagnosable narcissist. In fact, I will text him right now and ask him about it! This should now be Best Practices For Dating A Divorcee. Jesus.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

            Reply

            • SS Says:

              Oh dear. I am sorry for upsetting you, absolutely not my intent.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

              Reply

              • BTownGirl Says:

                Not upsetting at all – I just think that whatever happened in someone’s previous relationship is none of anyone’s business and it’s much more productive to go on the information that’s readily available when you’re interacting with them. If they’re a shit, it will be obvious, you know what I mean? If they’re showing red flags, asking them about it is a waste of time, just get the heck out of dodge!

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 3

                Reply

                • SS Says:

                  Yes. Agree with all of that :)

                  Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2

                  Reply

                • ? Says:

                  Surely when you are getting serious and more intimate, you would expect this sort of information to come up ? Red flag if a man or woman talks about their divorce at the outset, but red flag too if they don’t say a peep when you both decide to move in together ?

                  Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

                  Reply

              • mxf Says:

                I think it’s just the two extremes – when I read a letter writer asking about commitment potential with a newly separated person, I see the danger of the situation, for sure. But when others come down hard with a “99% of separated men are cheating, and 99% of newly divorced men are a mess,” I find that just as biased.

                Our own personal experiences will color our outlooks and future actions, and that’s fine. I’ve dated bachelors who said they were looking for commitment and then avoided any sign of actual commitment like the plague, and separated men who had done the emotional work necessary to not shit all over their dating partners and wreak havoc and break hearts. There seems to be room to move between having one’s eyes wide open and asking the right questions, and seeing a cheater at every turn. No?

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

                Reply

                • SS Says:

                  Yes absolutely!

                  “I’ve dated bachelors who said they were looking for commitment and then avoided any sign of actual commitment like the plague, and separated men who had done the emotional work necessary to not shit all over their dating partners”

                  I guess thus far I have not seen someone separated that had done the emotional work. Heck – I’ve rarely seen ANYONE do the emotional work lol.

                  Like you say – our experience colours our opinion. That’s why I keep throwing in the “I’m bitter and twisted” disclaimer :)

                  Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

                  Reply

                  • mxf Says:

                    fair enough!

                    maybe it’s the minority, but I really do know people who used the disappointment and heartache of divorce to become better partners, and for them the stakes of “getting it right” was even higher going forward.

                    but still, it’s incredibly painful to get attached to someone who is not ready, so caution is a must.

                    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

                    Reply

                • BTownGirl Says:

                  Absolutely agree! It’s no different than any other dating situation – you take the information that you’re getting from their actions/words and draw your conclusions based on that. “Newly separated”, to me, would be just part of the picture, not an automatic “run screaming for the hills”. This guy already told her what was up with the “I’m not sure what I want” – heck, this guy could be “not sure what he wants” three years from now, for all anyone knows.

                  Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

                  Reply

                  • SS Says:

                    “you take the information that you’re getting from their actions/words and draw your conclusions based on that.”

                    You know, I’ve reflected a lot on what I’ve said and what you’ve said in this thread.

                    This probably isn’t breaking news but I still definitely have trust issues (that I did not have for the decades before the ex)… but your quote kinda struck a chord for me.

                    Having been through such a horrific experience I am… *ponders* … “mistrustful” of trusting myself again having made SUCH an error in judgement before… if that makes sense?

                    So to reiterate.. my experience colours my judgement for sure. And I am definitely bitter and twisted.

                    I have hope though. A small green sliver of hope :)

                    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

                    Reply

                    • BTownGirl Says:

                      I could make you a PowerPoint presentation entitled “BTownGirl’s Errors In Judgment, Vol. 1: Years 2004-2010″, trust me. I completely agree that it’s more about trusting your own judgment than looking to anyone else to not be an asshat. This is how I think of it – I have dated enough of The Wrong Guy to know what I’m seeing should one show up again. It’s not a reflection on you if the wrong one makes his way into your orbit, because you have to actually go out with the person to find out what they’re about. I would say stop thinking of yourself as bitter and start thinking of yourself as someone who has the experience (because, really, we all do) to know if someone’s not on the up-and-up, you know?

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

                    • SS Says:

                      LOL! Well shit if we’re getting into ALL errors in judgement I’ll be here all year ;)

                      Thank you for the kind and constructive words! I try to say them to myself but for whatever reason they always seem more attention worthy coming from someone else :-/

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

    • SS Says:

      oops – meant to say:

      “this particular guy is throwin’ up the red flags and I’d keep my options open if I were you.”

      Exactly. If he has no intention of committing to her, why is she seeing/viewing him exclusively?!

      Isn’t that online dating 101?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 4

      Reply

      • ? Says:

        because he is a unicorn !!!!!!!! Very desirable men tend to keep their options open, while the woman tries her utmost to hang on to him and keep him exclusive to her. Works the reverse as well, with very desirable women and lesser men holding desperately onto her.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

        Reply

  5. coffeestop Says:

    I stayed away from recently separated, recently divorced, and recently widowed men. OP is making a mistake investing too heavily in him and should try also dating other people. He is not ready for anything other than casual and she is going to get hurt big time.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

    Reply

    • BostonRobin Says:

      Frankly I think she already has such a case of the Feelz that she has to go NC on the guy. He’s nothing but trouble.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

      Reply

  6. BostonRobin Says:

    This letter is so fitting for Saint Patrick’s Day, since the LW seems to be chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

    Except… not only is there no gold, there’s no rainbow either.

    Separated = MARRIED. If you have only one rule for online dating, let it be that! Whenever I’m online dating, I block or hide as many “separated” profiles as I can, just to get them out of the way. Let me guess: he took down his profile as soon as you two got involved. Uh, that was to keep anyone from finding out about his shenanigans. He’s not seeing anyone else (if that’s even true) because again, he wants to limit his risk. You’ll “do” for now, sorry to say.

    Some years ago, a friend of mine was in the process of separating and emotionally all over the place. She asked me what I thought of her starting to date before the divorce went through. I asked her, “would you want to be involved with anyone who would be involved with someone who isn’t even single?” She said no of course, SINCE SHE IS NOT A DOUCHE LIKE THIS GUY. She ended up waiting to date–can’t remember if the divorce was final yet, but it was close.

    Good lord, what a load of BS this guy is churning out! I don’t have the stomach to pick through it all. LW, pay attention to these comments. We have all been through similar situations or we’ve had friends who have.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

    Reply

    • coffeestop Says:

      I had a dude in an online forum get super huffy when I told him I did not date separated or recently divorced men. The best part was he tried to minimize it by saying he had been separated for THREE YEARS so there was no emotional attachment and they were fighting over financial stuff. I would like to meet a regular partner and have been dating quite a bit recently and getting frustrated with myself because I am not connecting with anybody but I just cannot imagine feeling lonely or desperate enough to date a person in his situation. We all have our baggage and I am far from perfect but sweet baby Jesus. Frankly I do not know why anybody would date someone who is going through a separation unless they just want a hook up.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

      Reply

      • bbdawg Says:

        A lot of times men have a hard time dealing with the fact that most women ARE looking for commitment, period. That includes marriage down the line, yes. SO you HAVE to be legally divorced. There is no way around it. That is the bare minimum here.

        Men who can’t offer commitment for whatever reason (because they are legally married or because they just want to “date” around forever) have nothing to offer. You have to learn to drop men VERY quickly because the truth is most have nothing to offer.

        That is a very hard pill for us women to swallow as well, because it’s easy to meet “great guys” who are attractive and look good in person or on paper, but in the end, the inability to offer commitment means it’s “casual” and “casual” is another word for “wasted time”. If you’re looking for a partner you have to keep that in mind.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

        Reply

  7. BostonRobin Says:

    FYI, Moxie: “Todd” actually replied to Rachel’s XoJane article. Get the popcorn…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

    Reply

  8. Jeff Smith Says:

    That’s code for, “I don’t want a relationship with you.”
    No, it’s not.
    “He’s told you to your face he’s not looking for a relationship.”
    No, he didn’t.
    He said:
    “he’s not sure what he’s looking for, ”
    Which based on the circumstances sounds very authentic and true.
    Stop mind reading. On one hand you complain that people say what the other wants to hear, but then honesty seem to be suspect.

    “I think the part that is the biggest red flag is that he isn’t hiding me necessarily, but he certainly hasn’t told anyone about me either. ”
    He is going thru a divorce. It’s a tricky legal situation and adding more coal to the fire won’t help. Divorce lawyers play on fear and anger, so keeping this on the DL for now is the best plan for a speedy divorce. He moved out and filed for divorce, so I think he is on board with you. Let him do what he need to do to end it.

    If you like this guy as much as you say, go with it. No relationship has any guarantee of certainty ever, ever, never. Both of you need to learn how have an intimate LTR, and that takes effort, no matter who the parties are.

    If you really want this to work, decide to go with it and stop going back and forth.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 7

    Reply

    • ? Says:

      I think most women here are experienced with men enough to know that when they say they “are not sure what they are looking for”, they really don’t want a relationship with you. It doens’t matter if they are not attracted to you enough, or they are attracted but just very very emotionally scarred, these men are NOT emotionally available and hence No relationship.

      About keeping her under wraps. If he was really into her and saw a future with OP, he would tell her so. Tell her that he can’t show her off just yet because it might complicate divorce negotiations.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • Tiffany Anne Says:

      Thanks. I appreciate what you said. it’s the most productive comment I saw.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  9. Yvonne Says:

    “…he had literally just separated from his wife when we started chatting (he was still living with is wife)”

    If you are still living with your spouse, you are NOT separated. And as a reminder, married is still married.

    “He has been clear that he’s not sure what he’s looking for, but knows that he enjoys my company and wants to spend time with me.”

    That’s his out. He’s not ready for a relationship, and is letting you know it, but still want to keep having “phenomenal sex”. If you’re okay with sex and no relationship, go for it. Even if he isn’t dating others, that exclusivity is temporary as long as there is no relationship.

    “…he certainly hasn’t told anyone about me either. All of my friends know that I’m dating him, but no one is his world knows that I exist. ”

    You haven’t met his friends because introducing the person you are dating to your friends is what people in relationships do. And you are not in one. Worse, he hasn’t even told anyone about you at all. Nice being someone’s dirty little secret, isn’t it? Not to mention that it’s one-sided since you have probably been gushing all over the place about HIM.

    I’ve dated separated men (hell, even some recently divorced men) who swore they were ready for a relationship, but as we started to actually establish a relationship, they’d freak out. Leave now and save yourself the inevitable heartache. If he wants you, he’ll know where to find you.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

    Reply

    • Jeff Smith Says:

      I didn’t hear that he swore to anything.
      None of us here are “ready” – leaving not will not “save” you anything, in fact it will be more painful – because she will always wonder what could have been.

      Be brave, don’t let the fear mongers turn you away.

      You already seem to be aware of the risk – take the chance while you can.
      In truth, you really have no idea what the “odds” are, and if you bail now they go to zero. But don’t be half in – that WILL fail.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 9

      Reply

      • Yvonne Says:

        I suspect that, as a man, you have not heard these same lines over and over again, as the women who are commenting here have. And yes, some of us are perfectly ready. Why? Because we are not still involved with someone else.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

        Reply

      • ? Says:

        I don’t think the message here is for her to bail. The message is for her not to get her hopes up, and to continue to see other men and to keep her options open. Unless he tells her specifically he wants her exclusive to him, in which case he has to offer her a monogamous relationship for her to agree.
        From the way the situation is described, they are just spending time together and having sex – no mention of exclusivity or relationship or anything like that. I’ve found from personal experience that if a man does not ask you for exclusivity, then he is not expecting to give you exclusivity and what you have is a casual relationship, not the kind of romantic relationship most women are after

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

        Reply

  10. Glazer Says:

    ‘I’ve heard the theory that good guys get snatched up as soon as they are out of their marriages because, let’s face it, they are the proverbial unicorns.’

    There is some truth to this, with SOME men who only know life in a serious long term relationship.

    I rebounded to my 2nd ex out of loneliness.

    We fell in love.

    She was my first and last date after my 1st divorce.

    I had zero dating experience and was ripe for the picking.

    Now? I’m more independent and less codependent.

    I wouldn’t be quick to judge someone that is ‘currently separated’.

    HOWEVA, the fact you haven’t met his inner circle is a red flag to me.

    Listen to your gut.

    Talk to him about it.

    If he’s embarrassed to introduce you to his circle? That’s BS.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 5

    Reply

Leave a Reply

© 2013-2017 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved