Question: I had my first date with a man whom I’d met online several years ago. We had always planned to meet, but there was always an issue- he has a daughter, so his time is limited, we were dating others, in and out of relationships etc. we still spoke periodically, and developed a close “friendship”, to the extent that you can online. Discussed dating, personal details, he’d always been supportive and provided good advice on my various tribulations. He was always kind, intelligent, seemed that we shared similar values.. We finally met, had a great time, and went to breakfast the next morning. I was so hungry that I ordered 2 breakfasts, so said I would cover it, since the majority of the bill would be mine. When the check arrived, he didn’t offer to contribute, which I can understand, considering that I’d said I’d cover it. However,after I paid, I didn’t even receive a cursory thank you. Should this be a dealbreaker? I’d like to keep seeing him, but it got under my skin. Should
I mention this, or let it slide, since he was otherwise great? We were both hungover and exhausted, so perhaps he didn’t notice?
I mean, yes, in theory if someone doesn’t express gratitude when you do something nice for them, then they’re probably a douche. That goes without saying. But like you said, you were both hungover and exhausted and so maybe he did say it and you just didn’t hear him. The bigger red flag for me is the fact that you and this guy stayed in sporadic contact for many years without meeting, finally have a date, and spend the night together.
It’s not the spending the night together part that has me clutching my pearls. It’s the fact that this guy couldn’t have been bothered to meet you, finally does, sleeps over and possible sleeps with you, then doesn’t even say thank you when you buy him breakfast. Isolate each on of these things out and it’s not all that problematic. Smoosh ‘em together and, well, it sounds like the guy isn’t all that into you. When you’re on a date with someone you like, you make sure they know you’re appreciative of a kind gesture. And please spare me the, “I was so busy for the past several years and had NO TIME to meet you.” Yes, he did. He just wasn’t motivated enough to do it.
Should you say anything? God, no. That’s as uncouth as not saying Thank You. Could you imagine if every guy who found himself in your shoes (and most of them repeatedly have) spoke up about that? What would you think about them? Hair trigger. Cheap. Angry. No. Just no. The moment has passed.
I will say that this story is eerily similar to one of your other letters about being stuck with a $250 dinner bill at a restaurant. Girl, you need a better picker. If a guy can’t make the time to meet you over the course of YEARS, he’s just not that into you. He wanted to get laid, probably did, and from the moment he ejaculated he didn’t care about impressing you.