He Didn’t Thank Her For Paying The Bill

nothankyou

Name: nshrimp
:
Question: I had my first date with a man whom I’d met online several years ago. We had always planned to meet, but there was always an issue- he has a daughter, so his time is limited, we were dating others, in and out of relationships etc. we still spoke periodically, and developed a close “friendship”, to the extent that you can online. Discussed dating, personal details, he’d always been supportive and provided good advice on my various tribulations. He was always kind, intelligent, seemed that we shared similar values.. We finally met, had a great time, and went to breakfast the next morning. I was so hungry that I ordered 2 breakfasts, so said I would cover it, since the majority of the bill would be mine. When the check arrived, he didn’t offer to contribute, which I can understand, considering that I’d said I’d cover it. However,after I paid, I didn’t even receive a cursory thank you. Should this be a dealbreaker? I’d like to keep seeing him, but it got under my skin. Should
I mention this, or let it slide, since he was otherwise great? We were both hungover and exhausted, so perhaps he didn’t notice?
Age: 43

I mean, yes, in theory if someone doesn’t express gratitude when you do something nice for them, then they’re probably a douche.  That goes without saying. But like you said, you were both hungover and exhausted and so maybe he did say it and you just didn’t hear him. The bigger red flag for me is the fact that you and this guy stayed in sporadic contact for many years without meeting, finally have a date, and spend the night together.

It’s not the spending the night together part that has me clutching my pearls. It’s the fact that this guy couldn’t have been bothered to meet you, finally does, sleeps over and possible sleeps with you, then doesn’t even say thank you when you buy him breakfast. Isolate each on of these things out and it’s not all that problematic. Smoosh ‘em together and, well, it sounds like the guy isn’t all that into you. When you’re on a date with someone you like, you make sure they know you’re appreciative of a kind gesture. And please spare me the, “I was so busy for the past several years and had NO TIME to meet you.” Yes, he did. He just wasn’t motivated enough to do it.

Should you say anything? God, no. That’s as uncouth as not saying Thank You. Could you imagine if every guy who found himself in your shoes (and most of them repeatedly have) spoke up about that? What would you think about them? Hair trigger. Cheap. Angry. No. Just no. The moment has passed.

I will say that this story is eerily similar to one of your other letters about being stuck with a $250 dinner bill at a restaurant. Girl, you need a better picker. If a guy can’t make the time to meet you over the course of YEARS, he’s just not that into you. He wanted to get laid, probably did, and from the moment he ejaculated he didn’t care about impressing you.

 

Thoughts?

AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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60 Responses to “He Didn’t Thank Her For Paying The Bill”

  1. Nicole Says:

    Well it wasn’t that he couldn’t be bothered to meet me..or that it was always a timing issue. I was difficult at times..having anxiety issues, and his hesitation was well founded. We we were both in long term exclusive relationships at times, went a year without speaking, I was in my hometown for a few months, so I’m not holding that against him in any way. Over the last two months he’s made a very concerted effort. However, it did take two months because each of us had to cancel for various reasons, scheduling stuff with his daughter, he got sick.. i had my period twice, then a cold sore, then was on vacation. All legit reasons on both our ends.

    I should have mentioned that he has a gf; he was honest with that, they have an open relationship, and this would be a fwb situation, which I’m fine with. Truly. I didn’t feel much of a romantic connection on our first date, though the sex was good (I slept at his place) and I’d like to move forward with that. He asked me to meet again Saturday night.

    I would have noticed had he thanked me, but he may have just spaced, as we were up all night long. zero sleep.

    He did offer to take me to breakfast, and when i pointed out a diner he declined, wanted to go to Le pain Quotidien. I think he wanted to take me someplace a bit nicer, and prob would have split the bill or covered it (since breakfast was his suggestion) had I not ordered french toast, then quiche, and an apple turnover. In general, if someone invites me for breakfast should i expect them to pay? I would always offer to split, but just want to know what a reasonable expectation is.

    I did actually speak to him about that horrid date, and said that male “dinner whores” were a real thing, and castigated him. and he was genuine, didn’t seem like he recognized them because he himself did that. He’s saavy, 51, and grew up here.

    You’re right- saying anything accomplishes nothing, and just serves to embarrass him and make me look petty. And hes’ otherwise been very respectful, so I think I’ll give him another chance.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 26

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Why would having your period interfere with a date? Were you sick or was it decided ahead of time that you two were going to have sex?

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    • SS Says:

      “I should have mentioned that he has a gf; he was honest with that, they have an open relationship”

      Yeah. Uh-huh, riiight.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 30 Thumb down 2

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      No, he wanted to eat someplace nicer than a diner. Fuck me. Every time you write in with questions you leave pertinent details out. And, seriously, you couldn’t just eat french fucking toast? If a guy offers to take you out for am meal, what are you doing ordering half the fucking menu? Talk about rude.

      And he’s got a girlfriend?

      I can’t. I can not.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 43 Thumb down 1

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      • I'mnoexpert Says:

        So agreed!! Who the hell orders French toast, quiche and an apple turnover!!! That is not only unbelievable but a huge turnoff! Why not get the French toast then leave and get something else without him if you are so starving.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 4

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        • Jesse Says:

          Come on — She spent the whole night prior f-ing the guy’s brains out. It builds a hunger. She orders two plus breakfasts the next morning ’cause it takes a lot of calories to replenish. Let’s not make this complicated.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 4

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “I did actually speak to him about that horrid date…”

      What horrid date? Me confuse.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        I was thinking the same thing. If she meant the breakfast date, I thought she said, “You’re right, Moxie, I shouldn’t say anything”??

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          After re-reading, I think she’s talking about the date previously reported here via the link (where she was supposedly left with a large tab at the bar). The comment above however reads like a contrived law school “issue spotting” exam. I don’t even know where to begin. But, to address the actual question posed: yes it’s rude not to thank someone who buys you a meal and you shouldn’t continue to date them.

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    • AnnieNonymous Says:

      Dude, if you have to make this many excuses for a guy, you’ve got some pretty heavy blinders on. If you’re sooooooo cool with FWB and don’t have romantic feelings for him, why do you care if it was a one-time thing? Oh yeah, because you actually do have feelings for him, which is why you maintained an email relationship with him for years.

      He has a girlfriend, and it’s not an open relationship. He let you pay because you ate three main courses and he doesn’t want to see you again.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 34 Thumb down 0

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      • Nicole Says:

        A little confused.. I stated that he asked me to meet him again this Sat night, and I’ve since accepted. It’s not a one time thing, and no, I’m not interested in a relationship with him.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 7

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        • D. Says:

          If you aren’t interested in a relationship with him, then don’t sweat stuff like whether he thanks you for buying him breakfast. If it bugs you that much, just stop seeing him.

          It’s pretty simple, really. Is the sex/companionship good enough to look past the incident? If so, great, see him again. If not, fuck it, move on.

          If you don’t want a relationship with him, then none of this requires any analysis or consideration beyond that.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 1

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          • Eliza Says:

            Exactly–I agree with “D”. And if the OP truly is cool with FWB, the best thing to do at ALL TIMES is go dutch. That will eliminate this dilemma of who pays for what. You are not exclusive…he probably had no intention of ever getting exclusive…hence his actions and lack of graciousness. Take it for what it is.
            Otherwise, accept you may have had more expectations…and end it now, as he seems to “just not be into you”.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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        • bbdawg Says:

          I might be old-fashioned but expecting anything from a guy who “has a gf” it’s like eating garbage and not knowing why you got sick.

          I have done the casual with the open relationship guy one time off Tinder but when you do that stuff you have to know it’s only transactional and that it ends exactly when the sex ends.

          You can’t expect anything from anyone if the only exchange you have is sex. That is the shallowest type of connection you can have with anyone.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 2

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    • ? Says:

      Sorry Nicole, I think not being thanked for paying for a meal is the least of your problems. You seriously have some sort of issues, that that is putting it politely.

      You seem so hung uup on being thanked, and rated the date “horrid” despite the good sex and the general respecfulness shown by this guy, which you yourslef admitted. And you mentioned his lack of “gratitude” as a dealbreaker. For what ? He was upfront about his girlfriend and about you being a FWB. Somehow you then expected some sort of “romantic connection”. The only dealbreaked for a FWB is bad sex and according to you, the sex was good.

      I tell you what I think. I think you kept pestering this guy until he finally caved. Then you try to convince yourself that there was something more to this “date” than both you and him had originally agreed on. Then you try to come up with some label for your “relationship” with this guy by trying to define “expectations” to work out where you stand, or might stand. You give yourself some possible justification for why you might bail on this non relaionship. You twist yourself into all sorts of knots because to be honest, I don’t know why.

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  2. Nicole Says:

    It had pretty much been decided that it was a probable scenario,as we met on a sex specific site, were physically attracted, and had liked each other enough to stay in touch all those years, in fact, he was the one who always initiated contact.and he’s an hour away, so we decided best to wait just a week. and I’m always absolutely miserable, irritable, and bloated while PMS and don’t want to be around anyone. cold sore took 2 weeks to heal, he has his daughter every other week, i went away for 9 days.. it was always something.

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  3. ATWYSingle Says:

    Okay, so you met a guy on a sex site for sex and now you’re wondering what his deal is? Dude, he had sex with you and he was done. Why are you analyzing his actions when it’s pretty clear this was a one time thing?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 34 Thumb down 0

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  4. Nicole Says:

    Because he asked me to go out with him again on Sat night.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 1 Thumb down 12

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    • KK Says:

      I do not mean this in a snarky way but does he want you to go out again or does he want to see you again? I don’t think this is a dating situation and i think you might think you are ok with that. But your comments indicate you are treating this like it is dating. You are hookong up. You castigated him for not thanking him and he still wa ts to see you. You are fine. If good manners matter so much then dont order a lot of food when someone takes you out. It was bad manners on his part not to thank you. One time could be a bad sign or just that he was tired. So if he does it again you know he is rude.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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      • SS Says:

        I vote she asks the girlfriend if he usually thanks her or not.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

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      • Nicole Says:

        He wants to meet for sex. Not dating. I will again restate that I have no expectations of dating him.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 8

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        • ATWYSingle Says:

          Sweet. Here’s the thing, though: Nobody believes you. The fact that you would even agree to see him again let alone at all given the situation and given the fact he didn’t even bother to thank you hints at the possibility that you don’t have the best judgement in these situations.

          I’m trying to say this with as much compassion as possible: you do not have the steeliness or detachment ability required to engage in these situations.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 26 Thumb down 0

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Exactly. She waited two – count them -TWO menstrual cycles, as well as a virulent cold sore to hook up with this guy. Nobody would go through that much trouble for “just sex.” Well, except a guy.

            I don’t believe her. In fairness, I wouldn’t believe her even without the convoluted narrative.

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            • Nicole Says:

              waiting? postponing a date for obviously reasons is no trouble at all and requires zero effort.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 7

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              • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                Well, if you’re going to be all nitpicky, you had three (3) breakfasts -not two.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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              • D. Says:

                None of this matters.

                If he’s just a fuck buddy, then it really doesn’t matter whether his morning-after faux pas was worth bailing or not. He’s a fuck buddy. You wouldn’t really be “bailing” on much of anything in the first place.

                If he’s a good lay and doesn’t irritate you, super. Keep on banging him.

                If his behavior is too annoying to countenance, good dick notwithstanding, then ditch him and find yourself another dick.

                The reasons people disbelieve you when you say “Oh, I’m only interested in him for sex” are:

                – You bothered to write in at all about whether his faux pas was sufficient grounds to warrant bailing on him.

                – You continue to engage in the comments with folks who are doubting you, defending yourself. Thou dost protest too much.

                – You are spending a good bit of energy carefully examining the guy’s behavior as if to justify something to yourself and others.

                People don’t do that when they’re fine with a strictly casual fuck-buddy arrangement. That’s more the behavior of someone who wants to be comfortable with casual sex, but isn’t.

                If you aren’t, that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with you. Not everyone is, and you have to know your own limits. But if you are, Christ on a cracker, stop overthinking this and just bang the guy?

                The only other possible reason for this shaggy-dog-story of getting laid is that you’re really dying for a “CONGRATS ON THE SEX” response. So, hey, CONGRATS ON THE SEX. Continue to enjoy it or don’t. It doesn’t require this much thought.

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              • Eliza Says:

                It’s not a DATE. You are not dating…it’s a “hook up”…big difference. Don’t want this guy or the next to take advantage of you financially? Just go DUTCH. Simple solution. But I agree with the others…this is not about that guy being thankless of her offer to pick up the breakfast tab. There’s more to this. It’s a shame, she can’t accept it and own it.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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    • Eliza Says:

      Nicole…he didn’t “ask you out” — he basically is asking you for more sex. And if he is asking you out to dinner? For what–to leave you with yet ANOTHER huge tab??! Sorry–but “first time, shame on the person who has the gall, second time…shame on the person that allows it to happen”. You met on some sex site–it’s not a date…but a meetup for more sex. Just means, that the guy knows he can get sex quick and easy. No strings. Doesn’t even mean the sex is “earth shattering”.

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  5. Nicki Says:

    So your new FWB didn’t thank you for breakfast? Big deal. You are trying to get some action and not start a lifelong relationship.

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    • Nicole Says:

      Right, but I still expect my hook-ups to be courteous. Bad manners are a turn off.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 19

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      • Jesse Says:

        Nicole, I agree with you. Sex site or not, your both still people and you owe each other a minimum of courtesy. After wham bam, the next line is always thank you mam.

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      • ? Says:

        huh ?

        1. You said and I quote : “And hes’ otherwise been very respectful”

        2. You said and I quote : “He did offer to take me to breakfast”

        3. You said and I quote : “I think he wanted to take me someplace a bit nicer, and prob would have split the bill or covered it (since breakfast was his suggestion)”

        It seems you are the only one who is being rude and disrespectful so if anything, he should dump you as a FWB for bad manners”

        Why do I say this ? You said and I quote : “I did actually speak to him about that horrid date, and said that male “dinner whores” were a real thing, and castigated him.”

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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        • Nicole Says:

          some confusion here.. the horrid date wasn’t the one with him..we had fun. it was a date I’d had last year where the guy walked out on the check. He is the one who called him a dinner whore and castigated him. I should have been clearer on the context.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 5

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      • Sandra Says:

        Then you should ask for separate checks when ordering food. There is nothing more annoying than analyzing a restaurant bill and figuring out who ordered what. Just ask for separate checks or cover the whole thing.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  6. I'mnoexpert Says:

    Um…you met for sex. You are not dating. You should buy your own everything in this situation.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 1

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  7. Katie Says:

    You met a guy on a sex specific website, who has a girlfriend, who you slept with in basically a FWB situation after talking for several years…….and the issue is he didn’t thank you for breakfast, after you ordered 2 breakfasts? Yeah, I’m not touching this one with a 10 foot pole. :/

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  8. Nia Says:

    In my experience, it’s more of a “plus” if a friends with benefits or hookup buddy is super polite, especially if you ordered most/all of the food for yourself and said that you would pay.

    Usually a “thank you” comes from a slight pleasant surprise, like “Oh, wow, I was going to pay but you covered me. Thanks!” Or, at the end of a scheduled date (not a morning after hungover brunch), if you liked the guy or girl, you make a point to say “Gosh, Jimmy/Janey this was so nice. Thanks!”

    In this case, you told him you would pay. Would a “thanks, hon” have been nice? Yeah, for sure. But he already has one woman in his life he is supposed to be nice, kind, attentive, and thankful to: his GF. He met you on a sex site, which many people interpret as a more “anything goes” and purely physical thing.

    If manners are important, I think meeting people from a sex only site, who have GF’s and drag their feet on meeting you (for *whatever* reason) and who, final nail in the coffin, don’t say thanks, is off the table for now.

    Maybe take some time to get your expectations in order. Sexxxay.com (or whatever it is): these guys are here to have fun and that’s it. No pulling the chair out and holding the door m’lady, etc. OKC or Match? Expect a “date” experience and then get upset if they don’t come through.

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  9. Jeff Smith Says:

    “In general, if someone invites me for breakfast should i expect them to pay?”
    Depends, but in this case you offered to pay.
    Next time, don’t do that, as it appears deep down you did not want to pay.
    I pay all the time, but since I don’t mind paying, I wouldn’t notice if someone said thank you or not.
    ” … male “dinner whores” were a real thing, and castigated him”
    Based on the fact that you offered to pay, that would be a deal breaker for me. Just does not make sense – it’s like you set him up – offer to pay then get all bent about it.

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  10. Nicole Says:

    Just to clear any confusion.. I was not referring to HIM as a male dinner whore, nor did i castigate him, or mention it. HE referred to a guy i dated who walked out on the check last year as a male dinner whore, and he castigated him.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 6

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    • SS Says:

      There is something amusing to me about the fact he called another guy a “dinner whore” and then proceeded to let you pay AND didn’t thank you.

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      • Nicole Says:

        Well most of it was mine, and I said I’d cover it, so letting me pay wasn’t that big a deal, I was more irritated by him simply not thanking me. That’s just basic courtesy that’s not exclusive to a relationship.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

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        • SS Says:

          I’ll be honest, I completely agree with you on this.

          I used to rationalise and explain away all sorts of behaviours and then x amount of time later I’d be all like “why am I in such a crappy relationship with such a dick?”

          It is my firm belief… plus I’ve read it multiple times in books and online so it must be true (lolz) … that the red flags you see in the first few months will be the ones that ultimately break you up.

          And I will bet a squillion internet dollars that he’s not in an open relationship. He’s a cheating lying asshole. And cheating lying assholes tend to be greedy and disrespectful.

          QED my friend. QED.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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          • Yvonne Says:

            For crissakes, if it bugs you that much, either say something to HIM, let it go, or don’t see him again. Those are your options, lady.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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        • Goldie Says:

          But why do you seem to think that him not thanking you for buying him a breakfast, at a diner, is a big deal, when, in the context of this whole situation, it’s not! Do you expect your vibrator to thank you for putting new batteries in, too? Do you get all upset to the point where you write to a dating-advice blog for advice when it doesn’t? Sorry to be blunt, but there’s hardly any difference between that and an FWB situation. That’s actually the beauty of a casual/FWB setting, that there are no expectations of, well, anything.

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  11. SB Says:

    Nicole,

    If you were a friend of mine, I would say that from your comments you aren’t really cool with a guy treating you like just a casual fwb. That’s fine, no harm in that. As another commenter has suggested, and as I will echo here: find someone on a dating-oriented site to date. Plenty of those guys would be more than fine with a casual situation and would treat you the way it’s implied in the comments and this letter that you would want to be treated. If you would prefer a date buy you dinner, show manners by holding the door and complimenting you, etc. then find someone to casually date and have sex with. There are plenty around that would jump at a no-pressure, NSA situation for the low cost of some dates and being a polite human being.

    I know because I have done so a few times in the past.

    No drama necessary to end it with this guy. Just become quite busy if he ever calls again, or be honest and say you are in a new situation and want to see where it goes. Wish him the best, ask how he is, then have an appt or “arrive at the gym” that gets you off the phone stat. Easy-peasy, doesn’t create an enemy out there, and you get what you need elsewhere.

    Ciao

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    • Nicole Says:

      i wasn’t expecting him to buy me dinner, hold the door etc.. just a simple thank you for covering breakfast, which i had no issue doing since the majority of it was mine. That’s it, plain and simple. I’m not sure where all this relationship or fwb tangent came from, as that wasn’t my concern. I’m well aware of what I expect from him.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 9

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      • KK Says:

        I don’t know if you’re reading this anymore, but I’ll write this anyway. What is happening is that you say you are aware of what you expect from him, which i assume is a fwb thing. But, nothing you’ve written here has indicated that you actually expect a fwb thing, like, at all. It is more that you THINK you expect a fwbm you think you’re cool with it. But everything you’ve written indicates otherwise. If all you truly wanted was fwb, then why would you have written in? Also, I include myself here, I don’t know a single person who obsesses over a person/person’s actions unless they truly like the person but aren’t sure how that person feels. That’s it. If you didn’t care, you’d not give a shit that he didn’t thank you.

        I’ve done the thing where I truly thought I was ok with casual sex. I truly thought so. But, he was really casual about the whole thing and I was really ,really hurt. And it was all on me. So I stopped doing it and it’s saved me a lot of grief.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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      • Eliza Says:

        Nicole–this guy obviously doesn’t exhibit the “mere manners” you expect…from whatever you both consented to…so the ball is now in your court. End it…and move on. Or see him again–and deal with his behavior…whatever that may entail–but do not complain further, or feel fooled–as you know fully the type of person you are dealing with. Your decision to make. You can’t hold him responsible for YOUR decisions!

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  12. coffeestop Says:

    I have never been out with somebody who ordered two breakfasts, that is unique.

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  13. ATWYSingle Says:

    Okay, so, here’s why you shouldn’t be getting involved in casual relationships with guys you meet on sex sites:

    http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2014/01/30/heres-when-first-date-sex-is-a-mistake/

    You wrote this letter, too. Dude, back away before you find yourself in the same situation you frequently seem to end up with, where the guy has sex with you then blows you off and you spiral out of control. I’m not trying to be mean. You do not have the casual sex/FWB gene. Your anxiety makes those situations very triggering for you.

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    • ? Says:

      And becoming more demented in the process. Getting fixated on little inconsequential things. And writing really confused and incongruent pieces.
      Moxie, if you post any more letters from this person, they will be more entertainment value than educational value.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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    • Nookie Says:

      How can you be 41 in 2014, and 2016?

      Less cattily, it seems that this person has spent the last two years with the same kind of problems with men. There has to come a point where you look at yourself and what choices you’re making. Maybe a little time off from dating and reflecting on your motivations would really be beneficial?

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      I do not have the gene either and if I was still thinking I HAD to have it or I was a total sappy loser, I’d be a disaster by now. Good advice here.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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