Dear Guys On Tinder: Stop Trying So Hard

noping

Name: Elizabeth
:
Question: Hi Moxie,

I’ve a question about men. I use tinder and have generally found it to be fun leading to good dates with interesting people.
The latest though is a dude, a bit outside my geographical area, but he seemed cute and fun, so I figured I’d just roll with it. Then he drops this bomb:
“You’re kind of exceptional in my world, I must admit. I don’t often meet someone like you. I like it :)

I’ve had this experience a couple of times. Another guy and I were messaging and trying to get the logistics to match up but it didn’t really happen and so it kinda fizzled out. 2 weeks later he messages me again that “You’re still the most interesting person I’ve found on here.”

I look average, but I obviously think I’m hella cute, I am funny, sometimes, and have a diverse set of interests, including technology (but am actually heavily involved in getting more women in tech).
Something about the “you’re so special” line rubs me the wrong way. I honestly use it as kind of a dealbreaker, thinking that these men have weird issues about women in general. Because I may be funny and into martial arts but I know I’m exactly as “emotional” as some women are. I cry at romantic comedies, I need to feel loved and prefer to be in love to have sex. Getting married and having babies is a top priority for me – you know all the stereotypical “lady things.”

So is the “you’re so unique”-thing it a dealbreaker or should I just learn take a compliment?
Age: 27

 

Something about the “you’re so special” line rubs me the wrong way.

A line like that from a near stranger should rub you the wrong way. This guy doesn’t know you. Right now, you’re just a one dimensional representation. People who say things like this are either wholly disingenuous or painfully socially unskilled.

As a friend said to me yesterday, “Guys will say anything to get a woman to fuck them.” Since that friend is male, I’m going to assume there’s some truth to the statement. In general, I think people will say whatever they think will get them what they want. After a certain amount of dating experience, men and women learn what things to say and what to keep to themselves in order to improve their chances of achieving whatever goal they have set for themselves. Your story is an example of that. These guys are trying to make you feel special, which in and of itself speaks to their motives. Why do they want you to feel special? Who are you to them?

You’ve had this experience multiple times because this phenomenon is common practice among certain types of app and dating site users, namely the desperados and players. These men say such romantic things because they work. Until they don’t. A savvy and sincere person  knows effusive compliments come across as try hard. That’s why they don’t say them. These men you’re meeting probably say the exact same thing to every woman they meet hoping one of those women will take the bait.

2 weeks later he messages me again that “You’re still the most interesting person I’ve found on here.”

Yeah, I get those messages, too. I assume the guy is just swinging back around to me and trying to butter me up, which is why I usually ignore them. People who need to use compliments to get you to like them tend to be on the phony side.Nobody should have to ply people with sweet words, certainly not strangers they’ve never met. That right there should squick you out.  Would you say that to someone you hardly knew? The thought of that is uncomfortable, right?

You can take these sorts of comments as compliments, but ask yourself why these men would find you unique. What are they really saying? Are you supposed to believe that they never met anyone else like you? I mean, you sound cool and like you have varied interests, but…so do many women. What’s so different about you? We all like to believe we’re unique, but few of us actually are.

Nobody with even a relative amount of dating success has to try this hard. That’s the question you should ask yourself when guys make these sorts of declarations.

Why are they trying so hard?

Something – some motivation – is compelling them to lay their cards on the table like this. If they feel like they have to sway you in this way, there’s a reason, and it’s rarely a good one.

Thoughts?

AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

GOT A DATING QUESTION? NEED TO VENT?

 

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59 Responses to “Dear Guys On Tinder: Stop Trying So Hard”

  1. J Says:

    I used to get that from girls also. Generally speaking if you’re going to complain about other people the entire time we are talking then I am going to assume you will complain about me to the next guy. I took that backhanded compliment to mean just that. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. Being unique or the only one on here not looking for sex or any of the other crap just gets old after awhile.

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  2. fuzzilla Says:

    **I mean, you sound cool and like you have varied interests, but…so do many women. What’s so different about you? We all like to believe we’re unique, but few of us actually are.**

    Ugh. With The Worst Guy I Ever Dated, I remember asking him a lot what specifically he liked about me, which he interpreted as me having such low self-esteem that I couldn’t believe anyone would like me. The whole gaslight do-si-do. Um, no – the issue is that you say you’re so into me but act like you hate me. The issue is your behavior; my self-esteem has nothing to do with it (well, questionable self-esteem was why I ever wasted time with him at all, but in that instance, my Spidey Senses were kicking in and telling me to get the hell out).

    Anyway, yeah, that’s so gross when guys don’t treat women like actual people but some kind of vending machine – insert cheesy compliment and sex pops out.

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  3. fuzzilla Says:

    Being seen as special and unique is actually exactly what women want. Obviously it has to be earned over time to be genuine. If the fakers know that’s what women want, that’s what they’ll try to sell. I guess that’s what’s behind women who say they’re cool with casual sex when they aren’t.

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  4. Jeff Smith Says:

    Just because a guy seems to use a line (who knows, maybe he really does see you as special) does not mean much of anything. We all do at times.
    The fact that this bugs you does make you special.
    “Being seen as special and unique is actually exactly what women want.”
    Thats why we say it!
    Next time ask them what they find special, perhaps they have a genuine answer.
    You should add that to your profile – as it is not an unusual thing to say.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      You’re kind of missing the point. It’s not compliments that’s the issue it’s laying it on too thick and the obvious lack of sincerity (such as the OP mentions with people she’s never met).

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **“Being seen as special and unique is actually exactly what women want.”
      Thats why we say it!**

      Do you really not see a difference between saying something because it’s what women want to hear (i.e., you think it will get you what you want) and saying it because you genuinely believe it?

      Also, there’s nothing wrong with garden variety pleasantries like “I had a really fun time,” “Wow, you look great,” “I really enjoyed our conversation and look forward to picking your brain about XYZ some more.” That’s different than, “You are THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        oops, hit return too quick

        Anyway, when people lay on the compliments too thick (“you are SO DIFFERENT, I’ve NEVER felt like this” from someone you’ve met once or never), they’re sniffing around to see if you’re vulnerable and easy to manipulate.

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        • KK Says:

          Since the rather, er, spectacular demise of my last relationship I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And one of the things I keep coming back to is the fact that at the end of our second date, that guy told me how he felt like he’d known me forever. Now, I’d come home from our first date feeling that way – not in a “you’re my soul mate” kind of way, but more in a, “I feel like I’m with my best friend” way. But I’d thought it was a crazy way to feel and I had no idea if he’d feel the same way. So when he said that to me at the end of our first date, I thought, “wow, he feels the same way. Cool.” AND, I trusted it since I didn’t bring anything like that up at all.

          Anyway. Since the demise of our, heh, coupling, I’ve been thinking…wait a second. Maybe he meant what he said. We were together for one-and-a-half years. BUT. It was also the perfect thing to say to someone if you’re looking to get laid. And now I’ve been wondering if that’s what he was doing. Alas, I will never know.

          This, btw, came after a spate of other OKCupid dudes all telling me how diiiiifferent I was from other girls. Which..wtf? I am not. And even if I were, he didn’t know me well enough to determine that.

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        • Jeff Smith Says:

          fuzzilla:
          It’s sad that you feel that way.
          “they’re sniffing around to see if you’re vulnerable and easy to manipulate.”
          Because sometimes, a compliment is just a compliment.
          What’s more, evil people can figure this out without too much sniffing around.

          It’s one thing to proclaim your undying love for someone when it’s bs, but saying that you might be very attracted to that person in the form of “You’re still the most interesting person I’ve found on here.” is quite another. (on a dating site, that’s not even a very high standard to meet).
          I just think she’s reading way too much in to it.
          As for “too thick” I suppose that’s a judgement call. In the OPs case, I don’t think it was too thick.
          It’s seems impossible to win with you guys – I would think that trying hard would be a good thing.
          andthatswhyyouresingle.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            (A) I’m not single.

            (B) In my experience, there’s a very specific type of effusive, over-the-top flattery displayed early on that was always the sign of a narcissist or otherwise lousy partner. As I’ve stated over and over, I do not mistrust every single compliment I’ve ever gotten, nor do I think every guy who offers a compliment is a manipulative jerk. That’s your projection.

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          • Jesse Says:

            Guys complement women they find attractive. Guys complement women they want to meet and get to know. Guys complement women they want to have sex with. Guys complement women to be polite. Guys complement women to be agreeable. Guys complement women because women have an effect on them that makes them want to complement you.

            Guys complement women because that’s what guys think women like. Ladies, it’s up to you to figure out the context of the complement. If the complement seems over the top, call him out on that. Guys generally like that.

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          • D. Says:

            You know, I don’t get what all the hostility to this advice is. Unless it’s based around “My attempts at complimenting have not been successful and I’m butthurt about it.”

            The advice being offered here is basic marketing advice. Want to have your compliments well-received? Take it into account. Want to make giving compliments all about you? Complain about how you “can’t win” with women and ignore the advice.

            You can do what you think “ought” to work, or you can do what people are telling you works. And, hey, news flash: if you offer a genuine, grounded, polite compliment to a woman in a manner that isn’t over the top or chock full of superlatives or wildly inappropriate, and she still reacts with disinterest…

            …maybe she’s just not that interested in you, and you should focus on someone else who is.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      Normal people know that unless you actually KNOW someone they’re just a photo. Personally I have always been very suspicious of flattery, in all instances, work and romance. I find that to be a bad sign of character – it’s so insincere and exploitative, anyone who lies so easily to that degree cannot be trusted. Ever.

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      • Eliza Says:

        Thanks bbdawg! Finally a voice of reason. to the OP, welcome to the world of Tinder! Where you barely get 2 seconds of one’s attention. Dating for those afflicted with ADD (Another Dating Disaster)! lol. Leave the compliments to when we meet in person. IF we ever do meet in person. 85% of those online profiles, would prefer to shelter themselves behind their computer monitors. Dysfunctional you may ask and senseless? Yes, but that’s the truth. “Insincere” and premature flattery gets you nowhere. And any intelligent woman can decipher how sincere a person is being, given the circumstances. And on any of these sites–they disappear, and then viola…pop up again…with an idiotic line: “So, what happened to you”? I went away on business….yadda yadda…but was thinking about you. Hello! We have not even met. You don’t know me, and vice versa…it’s just cyber-talk. Don’t take ANYTHING online so seriously. It’s just idle chatter.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Jeff…it’s cliché and trite. Especially–without having met someone in person.

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  5. Katie Says:

    Unfortunately this comment isn’t unique to Tinder……I’ve encountered it on both OKCupid and Match. I agree with the above that to me it always seems a red flag, or at the very least a lazy, shady comment from someone who can’t think of anything better. Especially when the first comment you send is “you’re so beautiful” or “you’re so hot, bear my children!” Definitely not a comment you want to hear from a complete stranger, even if they are trying to get a date!

    I guess what I always wonder is, does this comment actually work for them? Whenever I get it, I usually ignore the guy……I have to imagine that the majority of girls do as well?

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    • Eliza Says:

      Katie–it only works on a) desperate women or b) very naïve girls.
      The online dating world and the nonsense that goes with it–has been around for 20 years. If people haven’t developed wits and common sense and intuition by now, they never will. A line is a line. Whatever dummy falls for it hook, line sinker has been warned before…they just can’t read the fine print.

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  6. jake Says:

    The reason these guys say stupid things like this, i.e. you are the most interesting blah blah, is because they have been conditioned by women. Try getting laid or getting a few dates out of a woman wthout telling her she is unique or special or complimenting her in some way. It may be insincere, but it greases the wheels of progress. If you want to blame someone, blame Cosmo or the multitude of female specific dating sites on the net. Or just blame the female gender.

    Flame away, but all of you know this is true.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Jake, do you ever not blame women for your dating struggles?

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    • Nia Says:

      In case it matters, women “ask for” or “require” compliments because they don’t want to feel like a knothole in a tree, to put it a bit crudely. They want to feel that the person they’re out with is attracted by and turned on by them specifically, not just a generic, Tarzan-like “girl hot. me want. do it.”

      Do women “require” fake, over the top compliments to go to bed with a man? The kind of woman who pouts and fishes for compliments in order to meet some mental tally of “put in compliments, get back sex” is really not someone you want to be with.

      Who are these women that you’re going out with that either:
      Don’t inspire ANY compliments. They’re not cute. They’re not fun, smart, interesting, or cool.
      or
      Are indirectly demanding heaps of effusive compliments to grace you with a peck on the cheek?

      Come on man.

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  7. ? Says:

    Hmmmm. Women get complimented so much that they start getting suspicious and cynical. For me, I just love compliments. Sure not all of them are sincere, but at least men try to make you feel good.
    I do try to compliment men and they get so few compliments from women that they are utterly shocked ! Shocked, I tell you. In their case, they get so few compliments from women that they become suspicious and cynical. LOL.

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  8. fuzzilla Says:

    I know people here tend to hate, “Well, I’M in a relationship” stories, but…the nicest compliment I ever got was my boyfriend on our first date saying, “Wow, you have really great communication skills.” It showed he was actually listening and paying attention to who I am as a person and what I care about (which should not be so shockingly – forgive me – *different*, but is).

    For another woman it could be, “Wow, you’re really brave” (hiked the Appalachian Trail alone) or, “Wow, you’re really an expert at this” (runs her own business). Yes, you still have to be attracted and a resume isn’t what will keep you warm at night, but if you’re incapable of listening to a woman or seeing her as an individual…thatswhyyouresingle.

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    • mxf Says:

      I don’t think I’m very photogenic, so even while I kept current photos on my profile, ones that I thought were flattering but realistic, I had more than one different date happily blurt out that I looked “much better” than my pictures upon first meeting. It made me chuckle, as it’s a pretty terrible “compliment” and that kind of relief should probably remain an inside thought…

      Anything looks-based is basically tricky terrain.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        I agree that looks-based compliments are a minefield but some women love them. Also, sometimes it’s their only admirable quality. Usually the same group. I don’t see how it’s an insult to you that you look better than your pictures. It’s an insult to your photographer and maybe you have bad judgment in selecting pictures. Being “photogenic” is like juggling – a fairly useless talent.

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        • mxf Says:

          Oh, I didn’t really take it as an insult, I didn’t want to over-think it. I’m sure on some level it meant I was choosing shots that weren’t very optimized to avoid the opposite reaction – no one likes to see someone’s face fall in disappointment when they first lay eyes on you in the flesh.

          I meant more that the kind of person who would feel exaggeratedly relieved, and then communicate that relief to me, wasn’t all that slick. I most definitely went out with guys who were pleasant surprises in one way or another, I just wouldn’t have told them that as a way of flirting with them. “You look/sound/seem better than I thought!!” is pretty artless.

          I guess I’m saying that complimenting is a skill like any other, and not necessarily an in-the-bag, fault-proof, surefire way to impress or connect with someone. As much as that might be frustrating news to some.

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  9. AC Says:

    Anyone who is overly complimentary or, “just knows” the two of you would have great chemistry deserves the side-eye. Initial communication should be polite and to the point, which is about meeting. Unfortunately, Tinder is flake-central and lends itself of erratic behavior. I blame their location centered search criteria. IMO think Tinder, Bumble and these other apps are ruining online dating. The good news is maybe people will start seeking out IRL options once again.

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  10. Jaze Says:

    Ok, seriously? You’re complaining about compliments? So what if they don’t really know you, those compliments aren’t meant to define you. Just how the guy feels. A way to start up a rapport. And if it sounds shady, then at least try to follow-up on the intentions instead of ruling it out as creepy thoughts. A simple, “why?” is enough to get a sincere response.

    I tried dating sites before, but I gave up. It just felt like too many hoops to jump through. And for what? The little spike of satisfaction women deny they get while they’re deleting my messages? Don’t get me wrong, I know there has to be a filter that they have to perform to weed out the losers. But wow, women can get pretty judgy no?

    Am I one of those rare gifts from god? No. Am I super unique and deserve the perfect girlfriend? Nah. Im not gonna sit here and waste your time with a fluffed profile summary which says I’m different from all the rest. But when I send a message, I have nothing but good intentions and hopes that it could lead to something. By something, Im talking about getting to know the person while having fun and not stressing out over ulterior motives. Im not copying and pasting to whatever hottie I see. I actually read the profiles and ask a question relating to their interests. But only after I feel theres some compatibility or the possibility of it. You know how many replies I get? Barely one. And thats just the typical dry “thank you.”

    You think its hard finding romance on a dating site as a woman? Flip the coin and look at the other side. There’s losers no matter what for both men and women. Introduction lines are just that, introductions. Even cheesy pick up lines. Unless it’s an obvious disgusting/obnoxious comment, get off the high horse and give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Stop diving so deep between the lines. Now queue the down votes…

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      Why would you assume that women get off on deleting messages? I’ve never done online dating, but if someone asks me out and I say no, there’s no “AH! I feel so powerful!” Functional adults don’t enjoy rejecting anyone, nor do they assume that it’s a Big Huge Deal to the person they’re rejecting. Everyone (male or female) feels great when someone gives them a thoughtful, sincere compliment, but men (and women! I’m sure there have to be shifty women that do this stuff) who go extra-over-the-top are throwing out red flags left, right, and center. Think of it this way – if you meet a woman for the first time and she’s going on and on about what an amazing person you are (I’m not talking about a normal compliment, like, “Hey, you have great taste in restaurants!” or “I really liked your profile!”), aren’t you going to wonder why someone who barely knows you is being so effusive?

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      This is one of those situations where men are never going to understand why an approach like this often back fires. When you’re someone who is frequently objectified and sexualized, as most women are, you grow both tired and uneasy with being treated like a slab of meat without a brain. Women are conditioned to be suspicious of men they don’t know complimenting them. Know why? Because women get raped and assaulted and beaten at a rate men do not. So, wah wah wah at your “I’m a nice guy/men have it hard, too” bullshit. I have never met a man who proclaimed himself to be a “nice guy” who wasn’t some variation of an asshole.

      You’re not getting responses to overly crafted nice guy intro messages because they come across as try hard. There. Free advice from an expert.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        You go Moxie. Take back that night. Seriously, this is not a men-don’t-get-it issue. Anyone with a modicum of social skills knows – or learns real quick – what works and doesn’t work. This is more of a Sixth Sense issue – they don’t know they’re dead. In this case, they don’t know they’re try-hards. There is no way to convince them that these issues are largely unique to them. All men are not struggling with online dating or otherwise.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        In my experience, if someone goes out of there was to proclaim themselves to have certain qualities, there’s a 94.5% chance they are actually the exact opposite. Decent people who behave decently don’t go around announcing it, because…that’s the shit everyone is supposed to be doing. You’re supposed to be nice to your dates and kind to someone you’re in a relationship with. This is not an Extra Credit situation. Jesus.

        The whole “slab of meat without a brain” issue reminds me that summer is coming! Women, how many of you have been minding your own damn business on the beach and had some toolshed come up to tell you how amaaaazing your body is? The last time this happened to me, the friend that I had come with had already left to get her young children home, so there I am on a pretty secluded beach with not that many people around and someone who’s twice my size is basically telling me he’s sizing up my body and thinking about The Sex. Yeah, that shouldn’t make anyone uncomfortable at all.

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        • mxf Says:

          Urg, you just unearthed this memory: I went running a bit late one night last summer. I got to the running path at the same time as a guy, and I let him pick one of the two paths and I took the other, knowing that my path would eventually loop into his, but only after about 20 minutes of running, long after he’d be gone. Lo and behold, when I got to where the paths merged, he was sitting in the dark, stretching. When I jogged past, he got up and started running behind me, then with me, then making attempts at conversation. I was really clipped, as he was making me nervous, until I finally stopped running and asked him what he was doing, approaching me in the dark on an isolated running path. He was so immediately offended – “I’m just trying to get to know you! It’s late, I thought you’d like company! There could be random guys out here, you know!”

          He was boggled that I thought of him as anything other than safe, and I felt like his lack of boundaries was exactly what posed a threat. Rationally, I know that it’s statistically unlikely he would harm me, but I’d rather offend someone than good-manners my way into dying on a running path.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Ugh. A guy with any social intelligence would consider the context – you probably wouldn’t have been so bothered by the same scenario on a bright, sunny day with lots of people around. You might still not have been into him, but at least he wouldn’t be pushing your, “OMG, DANGER, GO AWAY NOW” buttons.

            Guys that women want to meet actually like women enough to listen to them and consider their point of view.

            This just in – women are people with thoughts and needs and preferences, and the universe does not revolve around your penis. Jesus Christ. This is not rocket surgery.

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          • BTownGirl Says:

            I agree with Fuzzilla that a man with half a brain knows a woman is going to be uncomfortable being approached when she’s alone in a secluded place. Bless his heart for trying to turn it on you. I’ve gotten progressively more annoyed with this kind of malarkey over the years, I tell you. Mind you, the beach I’m referring to is a private association beach (i.e., one I have to chip in to maintain every year) and I can’t even sit out there on a quiet weekday if I get done with work early, because some asshat who’s not even supposed to be there has to come over and bother me. The entitlement of some men just boggles my mind.

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      • Allison Says:

        I took a female friend, new to town, to a train bridge crossing a river for some sunset photo ops once – we were about 23.
        We were approached by a male Union Pacific security guard who informed us that we were trespassing, but rather than stay professional and either tell us to get lost or pursue something official he says: “there have been a lot of rapes down here lately, you wouldn’t want to get raped now, would you?” When I responded with the appropriate level of indignation to his comments, including that rape is one of the most underreported crimes in the country, he said “your daddy must be some bigwig around here.” No asshole, my dad’s a nurse. And I’m just letting you know that your thinly veiled intimidation tactics are not going to work on me.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      Jaze let’s not get butthurt over this, ok? The bottom line is women want to avoid men who want to get laid with just about anybody. Saying “you’re hot” or “wow you look amazing” is what 80% of guys on these sites do. That means they have no interest in connecting with us at all. They are truly just looking for a vagina with boobs attached.

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    • D. Says:

      Dude, you don’t get it. You’re completely missing the point of why compliments don’t work.

      Actually, that’s a misconception. Compliments do work and are well-received when they are perceived as genuine, spontaneous, and not over-the-top. There’s a big difference between “That’s a really pretty necklace” or “That’s an awesome Halloween costume in your second picture” and “Hey beautiful, you’re so amazing” or “I read your profile and I think we’d have an amazing connection,” particularly before you’ve even met or within the first few dates.

      Superlatives and effusive compliments tend to come across:

      – As you being insecure and looking to manufacture a connection instead of letting one develop.

      – As you being a shitty judge of character because how the hell do you know what an amazing person she is when you don’t even know her?

      – As you basically objectifying her and/or having cast her in the role of “girlfriend” in your narrative.

      – As you consciously trying to manipulate her because you think that dropping compliments will get her into bed with you.

      – As you being clingy and weird or way too intense.

      Based on your post here, I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that you haven’t been on the receiving end of effusive compliments that were simultaneously off-putting. It’s a real thing, though, and it can happen to both men and women. And believe me, when it happens, it’s…awkward at best. Ultimately, effusive complimenting is just another facet of coming on too strong.

      Lastly, if online dating has been literally nothing but failure and rejection for you, that’s probably because (1) you’re using it wrong, (2) you have unrealistic expectations (which, in practice, is basically the same as #1), or (3) you’re objectively unappealing as a person. Assuming you aren’t some kind of human/cave-troll hybrid with the personality of a dead fish, that probably means it’s one (or both) of the first two, which is a good thing because that means you can actually fix the problem. Alternatively, you can blame the tool itself, walk away, and hope for better luck elsewhere.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        **Based on your post here, I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that you haven’t been on the receiving end of effusive compliments that were simultaneously off-putting. It’s a real thing, though, and it can happen to both men and women.**

        Yup. Just because people talk about things that haven’t happened to you personally doesn’t mean they’re cuckoo-crazy and making things up to make your life hard. I nominate D. as voice of reason.

        I recently accidentally accepted a Facebook friend request from some rando (farting around with my phone, hit the wrong button). He sent me all these, “Hey, beautiful, thanks for accepting my friend request” messages. First of all, as a Facebook friend, you should know there was a recent (like, last week) death in my immediate family, and that it says I’m in a relationship and there are pictures of me and my boyfriend all over the G-D place. (Just as an example of compliment bombing without actually listening or paying attention).

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    • Missy Says:

      Seriously I have no patience for guys who complain about how many messages they send and how few replies they get. Especially when people are telling them what works and what doesn’t. “Get off the high horse and give the guy the benefit the doubt”… Are you listening to yourself? You must think you are the first guy these women have encountered who, when their unwanted advances are ignored or rebuffed, turns away muttering “bitch.”
      One reason the try-hard, overly effusive compliment turns women off is because we already know that it comes with a “bitch” attached.

      If you’re sending out lots of messages and getting little to no response, you’re doing it wrong. That’s it. Maybe your messages are creepy, insincere, entitled, or try-hard. Maybe you are shooting out of your league. Maybe your main profile pic is you in a funny hat or holding a dead fish or with your arm around your sister/mother/child. I don’t know. even when you’re doing everything “right” your response rate isn’t going to be high. Nobody’s is, unless they really have this thing figured out somehow or are irresistible in some way. Lots of people online *are* really picky, or they’re looking for something specific, or they’re not really looking. So what? It’s nothing to do with you. I’m not particularly picky (about age, height, profession, whatever) but I do have preferences. And there are times when I have more options than others, so the messages that appeal to me during those times tend to correspond to my preferences. I think that’s pretty normal. So a message from a guy I wouldn’t normally “go for” for whatever reason is more likely to get a response when I have fewer options.
      However, when a message feels yucky for some reason (trying too hard, treating me like an object with girlfriend or sex potential rather than as an individual, acting entitled to my attention, whatever) I’m almost never going to reply. As moxie said, if someone violates my boundaries before I even enter the conversation, that’s a problem. The most important thing for me in deciding whether I want to spend time with a guy is how he makes me feel. If you are sending messages that don’t make women feel good, that’s your problem. If you think women should disregard their actual feelings because you’re a “nice guy” with “good intentions”… Ugh, just no.

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    • ? Says:

      I think women don’t understand because they really haven’t had to take the initiative much, if at all. It is easy to reject, much harder to put yourself on the line for rejection. They don’t need to muster up courage, come up with funny but not cheesy lines, so it is easy for them to be glib.

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      • Goldie Says:

        Right, because no woman has ever had a guy fade on her after a decent first date that she enjoyed and wanted more. What can we possibly know about “putting ourselves on the line for rejection”?

        Except that, in either case, it’s not rejection. You seem to take it more personally than it is. If the other person passes over your message, or doesn’t ask for a second date, it’s for everyone’s best. I’m willing to bet that no one has ever missed out on meeting their perfect match, who would’ve become the love of their life, only because that person didn’t reply to their message, or didn’t feel chemistry on the first date to the point that they didn’t want a second one. Those things happened precisely because you two weren’t a good match. Thank the other person for saving you time and move on.

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  11. fuzzilla Says:

    If you are not a love bombing narcissist preying on the weak, then I’m not referring to you, so WTF are you so defensive about?

    If we’re playing ATWYS Bingo, we’ve got square amply covered:

    Men: What do women want? They’re so hard to read!
    Women: (Patiently explain in great detail exactly what they want and need)
    Men: But…you’re wrong! You don’t know what you want! That’s too hard! I don’t care! Why am I single???

    (I know, I should probably retire from the comments on this one…but this dynamic drives me batshit. My name is Fuzzilla, and this is my comment-bombing trigger).

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  12. Jaze Says:

    Wow… Like a flock of geese.

    OF COURSE women get hit on by idiots. And they have pretty corny lines as introductions. Yes, I know how frustrating it can get trying to find someone who likes you for you. And not for your money, or car, or social status, or how good you look next to– wait…

    Huh… oh well nevermind then! I was wrong. Only women have to worry about that…

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I can tell you quite confidently that the kind of men that whine about how “men have it hard too!” are routinely dismissed for that very reason. Stop being so fucking weak and maybe you’ll get a date.

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      • Jaze Says:

        Pfffft! Lol you got me! And nice double-standard btw. You get to whine about men and get a round of applause from your bias community, while I get slapped with “weak”? Lol. And, this will give you a chuckle, I never said I didnt get dates at ALL. Just not successfully online. And yea, maybe there was something wrong with my profile or my approach in a message. But you know what? I dropped the sites, cause it was just for fun anyway, and content with bumping into girls in person. Cause you know what? A man’s charm cant be seen through a screen ladies. All those guys who got quickly rejected? Mr. Right couldve been in there somewhere under the bullshit…

        And stop trying to profile me cause “you dont know me gawd!” lol Thats your problem… Funny you used the words “try-hard” when thats all you do. You LOOK too hard…

        Oh, and I know what women want. All men do. Im sure you’ve seen some. So what does it mean if you’re not getting it? Hmmmm?

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          Aaaaaand here’s The Nice Guy who just said “I have nothing but good intentions and hopes that it could lead to something.” *gets called out* goes straight for the bitchy personal attack with, “Oh, and I know what women want. All men do. Im sure you’ve seen some. So what does it mean if you’re not getting it? Hmmmm?”

          THIS is why when women hear a guy proclaiming, “Oh, but I’m such a nice guy with such great intentions!”, we’re all “Yo, dude, you protest too much.”

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        • Missy Says:

          Your mother must be so proud.

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        • Bill Says:

          “Oh, and I know what women want.”

          “Ummm, no, you decidedly do not,” says the man with a wonderful girlfriend he met online. BTW, my GF is a fully grown-up, adult WOMAN, not a GIRL.

          Treat them like WOMEN, not GIRLS, and everyone is happier in the end, including you.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        And I have yet to ever hear a man that gets a lot of attention from women because of his status/looks/etc complain about it. This is not a thing, because they know how to weed out the women with crappy intentions OR they’ll sleep with them and leave it at that.

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    • Missy Says:

      Geese! Seriously.

      Here’s you: I want women to like me but I don’t like them. Also I don’t want to know what they like or how they want to be treated. If a woman tells me how she does or doesn’t want to be treated, my response is: what about what *I* want?

      well, what about it?

      Geese on high horses! It sounds like something from the Sound of Music/my favorite things.

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