How Does She Ditch Her Creepy Boyfriend?

creepybeau

Name: Amie
:
Question: I am a 44-year-old mother of four, three still at home. A 21-year-old son, 19-year-old son from first marriage and 8-year-old daughter from my second marriage. I went through a difficult divorce from second husband roughly five years ago, and within the same year of our separation, my first husband (ex) tragically passed away of a drug overdose after driving two hours that day helping me with a nasty separation from husband #2 who wanted to control me leaving him by taking my phone, this, first husband in trying to help me out, ran across a friend who he got a strong narcotic drug from that caused his demise. Long story short I have had a very difficult past few years! To say the least, as have my children. This past year I finally felt ready to start getting life back again an I decided to go to college and get my bachelor’s degree and things really have been feeling back on track again and I finally am doing something for me as well as my family as now being a single parent of one and now an only parent of three son’s.

I really wasn’t looking for a relationship, but out with my son one night we ran into one of my son’s high school buddys father. After my son introduced us, he and I started chatting about our families and after chatting awhile, it was apparent we quickly had a lot in common and shared a lot of same dreams and similar family importantces. I was not physically attracted to this man, but everything else I thought I would like in a man I would be interested in having in my life all seemed in point. We now have been dating for a couple of months and I fast I am seeing many red flags, for ME. At first I didn’t think much, I was maybe a little swept up in it may say, not really sure? About two weeks after we met, he almost convinced me to get his name tattooed on me and mine on him, all the way up to getting a consult at tattoo shop, but the tattooist heard our request, after laughing and saying why hasn’t anyone smacked you upside the head….I later after letting that sink in, quickly told him I was going to back out, and although he was disappointed he understood. The next day he sent me a text with a picture of a ring asking me to marry him. He said if I said yes, he would put a down payment on it as he was at a local jewelery shop. I quickly declined telling him no I was not interested at this time, but I felt more flattered at the time than worried. By the third week he had me staying night at his house and offering me closet space, etc. He has been very generous with both my children as well as myself. Especially my boys, who have been without a male figure in their lives since losing their father. My boys and I had one vehicle we shared, mainly my boys so they could get too and from work. Well this guy talked about he wanted me to have a vehicle also and he wanted to buy me a used vehicle. I was uncomfortable with this, but agreed and set up appointment with him to go to a local used car dealership and just at least look.

Well the day before our appointment, he showed up at my house with a brand new 2016, 40 miles on it vehicle stating he bought it for me. I was obviously graetful and appreciative, although felt a little sense of uncomfort. Moving on to this week, he has been talking about a house his buddy wants to sell him on land contract and has mentioned us moving in with him. Yesterday he texted me asking that me and my children move in to this house with him and that he wants to put my name on this house with his, as “equals!” I have been processing everything for awhile now and feel myself pulling back, uneasy feeling that this is not right, for ME anyway. I think he is a good guy, but other red flags for me are, he has been divorced four times and me twice. This car he says he bought for me is in his name, and rightfully so I think, but he says it’s mine. What I notice though is he will come take the car randomly, and seemingly to me as an excuse to come to my place?

Also with all this in past two months I am feeling like it’s more than I can handle with newly starting college as well as my family I an finding it difficult to find time for myself and my friends and I know what my hit tells me, but even after asking him several times that we need to slow down and I need space, he swears whatever I want and need and he just wants to be the man I deserve and to help anyway he can as he loves me and wants me to be happy, yet even though he may not come over, he texts and calls many times and it has become distracting for me with school as well as with other things and then within a day or two he gets almost panicked because of not being able to see me! Honestly, I am kind of scared. I need to talk to him and I don’t know how it will go. Please, any advice would be awesome, suggestions, anything,
Age: 44

 

Okay, let’s first get something crystal fucking clear: If your name is not on the title to that car, it is in no way YOURS. It is HIS. So do not make the mistake of falling for that, “But I bought it for YOU” bullshit. He didn’t. He bought it to lure you in. Should you reject his creepy aggressive overtures, you can be sure he’s going to drive that car far, far away from you.

This story is one continuous red flag. The guy in no way respects your boundaries and uses promises of “security” to try and bamboozle you into being with him. Why does he do that? Because you’re a single mother of four kids who is probably struggling a bit. You are chum to losers like this. His preying on what he believes are your vulnerabilities and trying to buy your affections.

I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t be scared, because people like this are often explosive when they are on the receiving end of rejection. You should be concerned, but I think making it clear that you have someone in your life who will do whatever it takes to protect you (a parent, a friend, a lawyer, etc) should this loose cannon go off will help avoid and major drama.

Get away from this guy. Now. Tell him school has you far too preoccupied and you feel like you’re not spending enough time with your kids. Hell, tell him your Ex threw a fit and doesn’t want you seeing him. Throw him under the bus if you have to just to get the heat off you. Then block him on every possible platform. Don’t even give him the opportunity to blow up your phone. What you should not do is in any way suggest he’s the problem. Just lie your face off and remove yourself from the situation.

Also, can we please stop with this weird trend of dating people we don’t find physically attractive? Please? This situation is  a perfect example of why that hardly ever ends up being the fantasy come to life we’ve heard it can be. Nope. If you’re not initially attracted to them, you probably never will be and are only dating them for the companionship or attention. Stop it. You’re just wasting everybody’s time. Yes, I know, your mother’s sister’s cousin married somebody they weren’t initially head over heels for. Good for them. Exception to the rule and not the rule, and I guarantee you the level of attraction they did eventually feel was minimal. The moral of those stories? They settled. The end. G’night, Gracie!

 

Thoughts?

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Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

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23 Responses to “How Does She Ditch Her Creepy Boyfriend?”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    Everything she’s shared points to having a “man picker” so poor it’s non-functional. She should be alone for a while, just to prove to herself that she won’t shrivel up and die without a man. Then she can be a lot choosier when she does look again. Even if she never dates again, a peaceful single life is superior to a relationship that scares you only two months in.

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  2. Mostboringgirl Says:

    This is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen. RUN, GIRL. RUN!

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  3. BTownGirl Says:

    I hope this doesn’t come across in a mean way, but it sounds like your kids have probably been through a ton with your relationships and you really need to nip this one in the bud ASAP.

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  4. coffeestop Says:

    I would run so fast from this man that Usain Bolt would be coming to me for sprinting advice.

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  5. bbdawg Says:

    This sounds like a TV show a watched a few times about con artists. Men who immediately “fall in love” with you and want to move in then take your savings. Who gives you a car out of nowhere? Is he a drug dealer or something? Where does his money come from? The women all somehow believed it all for some reason…until they ran away with their money and they find out the guy has like 9 ex wives.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Yeah. That’s classic manipulator shit to dazzle you with a bunch of grand gestures to distract you from actually getting to know him. They’ll go on and on about how they’re soooooo in loooooove but not actually fucking listen to the words coming out of your mouth. Plus she has a history of exes- messing around with drugs (one *killed* the other one??). Girl, no – none of this shit is remotely normal or healthy or fun. Take yourself out of circulation and get some therapy (and to be fair, I suggest this to almost everyone – the therapy part, if not the “take yourself out of circulation” part).

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    • ? Says:

      If he is a con artist, he is a very bad one.

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  6. SS Says:

    I feel physically sick from reading your letter. No. No. No. No.

    Please OP. Get away from him NOW. NOW NOW NOW NOW.

    Extending this will only make it worse.

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  7. TL Says:

    Where do people like this live?

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  8. KK Says:

    The LW needs to get away from this dude stat. Flee.

    She also needs therapy. I dont mean in a condescending way but in a way for her to improve her and her family’s lives. I mean, with all these asholes she is the only common denominator.

    Please flee from this guy

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  9. Speed Says:

    “I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t be scared, because people like this are often explosive when they are on the receiving end of rejection.”

    This. In my experience, these kinds of (frankly unbalanced) people never “go quietly.” Be on guard–and protect yourself and your family– against his possible severe stalker-like behavior afterwards.

    Actually, I really hope I’m wrong in this case.

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  10. Sarah Says:

    Get away from this guy, yes, and quickly. But then, please address what you are doing to draw these men to you in the first place. To be frank, you’re obviously doing something wrong; and since this letter itself projects vulnerability, naïveté, neediness, a propensity for codependence, and general cluelessness, it’s no wonder this guy has glommed onto you. You’re an easy mark. Get thee to therapist.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **To be frank, you’re obviously doing something wrong**

      Yup. I mean, yeah, all relationships involve risk and withstanding hurt, disappointment, arguments, etc. But she’s making reckless choices and putting her kids at risk, and clearly doesn’t enjoy anything about this. There are really alarming self-esteem issues going on if she’s discounting her own voice and letting this dude bulldoze a relationship AT her.

      I mean, maybe she should contact a domestic violence center for advice if she’s seriously afraid to leave him. Not that there’s violence to report (yet), but…

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  11. Goldie Says:

    What a scary, creepy mess! Starting from him actively wanting to make the OP happy just a few weeks after they met (major red flag IME) and all the way down to the car, house, matching tattoos and all the other insanity. Crossing my fingers hoping that OP gets out of this easily. The thought of this guy preying on the OP because she’s in a vulnerable situation and so he sees her as low-hanging fruit, just makes me see red.

    With that said…

    I disagree with the last paragraph. Not because of anecdotal evidence (which I do have, but that’s not the point), but because the way we see a person, including their looks, will change as we progress further into the relationship and get to know them better. If the connection is good, we get them, they get us, they treat us well, respect us, love us for who we are, then reciprocating will be easy, which will make this person look attractive to us, regardless of their actual looks. OTOH, if there’s no connection, we don’t like the way they act around us etc then we’ll see their ugly side, which will make them appear unattractive to us, again regardless of their looks. Either way, several years in, we’ll get so used to how they look that we’ll barely pay attention to that part of them anymore. As long as they’re not physically repulsive to us, the sex feels good, and there’s a good connection on all other levels, I’d say go for it – it’s incredibly hard to find someone you really click with – if I ever come across that person, I am sure as hell not letting him go because he’s only a 5 when he should be an 8 or whatever. YMMV.

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    • mxf Says:

      I agree with you that people become more or less attractive depending on how much you enjoy their personality, but this part:

      “Either way, several years in, we’ll get so used to how they look that we’ll barely pay attention to that part of them anymore”

      does not ring true for me. When I think of the people I’ve been in love with, I thought they were totally gorgeous. Even though I knew that objectively not everyone would see them as attractive as I did, that feeling never went away, and I logged a decade with one of them. At the end of the day, your “5” should still look like an 8 or up *to you* — that’s what chemistry is all about.

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      • Goldie Says:

        Here’s an example of what I meant. My ex-husband walks with a noticeable limp. As a result of a childhood illness, his one leg is a good deal shorter than the other. We dated for 4 years and then were married for another 18. I stopped noticing the limp maybe two years into the dating, and have never been able to notice it since. Even now, after we’ve been divorced for a while. I have to remind myself that he has this condition.

        As for the looks, yes I remember sometimes looking at the husband and thinking, yea he looks good, still got it… but most of the time it didn’t register. I was thinking more along the lines of, Oh husband’s home, where’s dinner? or, Oh we’ve got to leave for a party in five minutes, where’s husband? The looks rarely came into play.

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    • KK Says:

      You know, six months ago, I would have agreed with you. Now, I’m not so sure. I truly thought that if the emotional connection is there, physical attraction will grow.

      Now I’m not so sure. I think you’re attracted to someone or not. And attraction doesn’t necessarily have to do with looks. All that matters is that you think your SO is super hot. But the attraction, I think it’s either there or not from the get-go.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Well, I liked your comment, Goldie. ;o)

      I think it’s like, are your standards for attraction reasonable? Are you always chasing the same handful of hotties everyone else is and then bitching that all the good ones are taken? On the other hand, if your knee jerk response to their face is “yuck,” you probably won’t ever truly get over it.

      I dunno, there’s a mix of things that go into attraction, and the most important thing is how you feel in their presence the majority of the time (angry? Bored? Entertained? Happy?). Bottom line is, you shouldn’t have to bargain with yourself to want to be with someone. You do or you don’t.

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      • Missy Says:

        Not just how you feel in their presence but also how you feel in their absence…. You might be dazzled and excited in his presence, and it feels like the Real Thing, as far as you understand it…. But then you spend all your time between dates worried and anxious and not knowing what to expect…
        Or you realize that those fireworks are really emergency flares, and what you’re feeling is fear.
        OP, you need to return the car, apologize that you thought you had time for a relationship but you really don’t, and cut off all contact.
        And definitely take a break from dating, focus on you, and school, and your kids, and seriously consider therapy.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          Well, I was strictly talking about attraction and how important looks are, but you’re right. Honestly it doesn’t sound like the OP likes anything about the situation, not even the fake flashy fireworks. :o(

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          • Goldie Says:

            Oh absolutely, OP’s dude could look like Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds’ love child, and he would still be bad news. Run, OP, run!

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  12. PGH Gal Says:

    There are people in the world who don’t use looks to decide attraction to a partner, but they’re the minority. I think we’ve all done that experiment at some point and it always fails miserably.

    Also, this guy is super scary. As suggested, back away slowly and block all contact.

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  13. Bree Says:

    LW, check out this book: “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker.

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