Question: I am a 44-year-old mother of four, three still at home. A 21-year-old son, 19-year-old son from first marriage and 8-year-old daughter from my second marriage. I went through a difficult divorce from second husband roughly five years ago, and within the same year of our separation, my first husband (ex) tragically passed away of a drug overdose after driving two hours that day helping me with a nasty separation from husband #2 who wanted to control me leaving him by taking my phone, this, first husband in trying to help me out, ran across a friend who he got a strong narcotic drug from that caused his demise. Long story short I have had a very difficult past few years! To say the least, as have my children. This past year I finally felt ready to start getting life back again an I decided to go to college and get my bachelor’s degree and things really have been feeling back on track again and I finally am doing something for me as well as my family as now being a single parent of one and now an only parent of three son’s.
I really wasn’t looking for a relationship, but out with my son one night we ran into one of my son’s high school buddys father. After my son introduced us, he and I started chatting about our families and after chatting awhile, it was apparent we quickly had a lot in common and shared a lot of same dreams and similar family importantces. I was not physically attracted to this man, but everything else I thought I would like in a man I would be interested in having in my life all seemed in point. We now have been dating for a couple of months and I fast I am seeing many red flags, for ME. At first I didn’t think much, I was maybe a little swept up in it may say, not really sure? About two weeks after we met, he almost convinced me to get his name tattooed on me and mine on him, all the way up to getting a consult at tattoo shop, but the tattooist heard our request, after laughing and saying why hasn’t anyone smacked you upside the head….I later after letting that sink in, quickly told him I was going to back out, and although he was disappointed he understood. The next day he sent me a text with a picture of a ring asking me to marry him. He said if I said yes, he would put a down payment on it as he was at a local jewelery shop. I quickly declined telling him no I was not interested at this time, but I felt more flattered at the time than worried. By the third week he had me staying night at his house and offering me closet space, etc. He has been very generous with both my children as well as myself. Especially my boys, who have been without a male figure in their lives since losing their father. My boys and I had one vehicle we shared, mainly my boys so they could get too and from work. Well this guy talked about he wanted me to have a vehicle also and he wanted to buy me a used vehicle. I was uncomfortable with this, but agreed and set up appointment with him to go to a local used car dealership and just at least look.
Well the day before our appointment, he showed up at my house with a brand new 2016, 40 miles on it vehicle stating he bought it for me. I was obviously graetful and appreciative, although felt a little sense of uncomfort. Moving on to this week, he has been talking about a house his buddy wants to sell him on land contract and has mentioned us moving in with him. Yesterday he texted me asking that me and my children move in to this house with him and that he wants to put my name on this house with his, as “equals!” I have been processing everything for awhile now and feel myself pulling back, uneasy feeling that this is not right, for ME anyway. I think he is a good guy, but other red flags for me are, he has been divorced four times and me twice. This car he says he bought for me is in his name, and rightfully so I think, but he says it’s mine. What I notice though is he will come take the car randomly, and seemingly to me as an excuse to come to my place?
Also with all this in past two months I am feeling like it’s more than I can handle with newly starting college as well as my family I an finding it difficult to find time for myself and my friends and I know what my hit tells me, but even after asking him several times that we need to slow down and I need space, he swears whatever I want and need and he just wants to be the man I deserve and to help anyway he can as he loves me and wants me to be happy, yet even though he may not come over, he texts and calls many times and it has become distracting for me with school as well as with other things and then within a day or two he gets almost panicked because of not being able to see me! Honestly, I am kind of scared. I need to talk to him and I don’t know how it will go. Please, any advice would be awesome, suggestions, anything,
Okay, let’s first get something crystal fucking clear: If your name is not on the title to that car, it is in no way YOURS. It is HIS. So do not make the mistake of falling for that, “But I bought it for YOU” bullshit. He didn’t. He bought it to lure you in. Should you reject his creepy aggressive overtures, you can be sure he’s going to drive that car far, far away from you.
This story is one continuous red flag. The guy in no way respects your boundaries and uses promises of “security” to try and bamboozle you into being with him. Why does he do that? Because you’re a single mother of four kids who is probably struggling a bit. You are chum to losers like this. His preying on what he believes are your vulnerabilities and trying to buy your affections.
I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t be scared, because people like this are often explosive when they are on the receiving end of rejection. You should be concerned, but I think making it clear that you have someone in your life who will do whatever it takes to protect you (a parent, a friend, a lawyer, etc) should this loose cannon go off will help avoid and major drama.
Get away from this guy. Now. Tell him school has you far too preoccupied and you feel like you’re not spending enough time with your kids. Hell, tell him your Ex threw a fit and doesn’t want you seeing him. Throw him under the bus if you have to just to get the heat off you. Then block him on every possible platform. Don’t even give him the opportunity to blow up your phone. What you should not do is in any way suggest he’s the problem. Just lie your face off and remove yourself from the situation.
Also, can we please stop with this weird trend of dating people we don’t find physically attractive? Please? This situation is a perfect example of why that hardly ever ends up being the fantasy come to life we’ve heard it can be. Nope. If you’re not initially attracted to them, you probably never will be and are only dating them for the companionship or attention. Stop it. You’re just wasting everybody’s time. Yes, I know, your mother’s sister’s cousin married somebody they weren’t initially head over heels for. Good for them. Exception to the rule and not the rule, and I guarantee you the level of attraction they did eventually feel was minimal. The moral of those stories? They settled. The end. G’night, Gracie!