When Having Too Many Options Is A Bad Thing


Name: Robert
Question: Hi there. I’ve never written to a dating blog before (or any blog for that matter), but I’ve been reading your site a little lately and I like your “real to life – no-BS” answers to ridiculous dilemmas like mine…so lucky you! (I’ll try to be brief…)

First, my dating life in a nutshell…divorced about seven years ago. Was married for 10, raising my now teenage daughter on my own and that’s going pretty well. I had one LTR post-divorce that was probably with the right woman, but wrong time for both of us. My daughter has an active life and I have a busy career, so I stay pretty focused on those things. I have dated some very nice women over the last few years, but no one that I have made a real connection with. I’m not opposed to marrying again, but not until my daughter graduates (three years to go). My daughter doesn’t want or need a step mom at this point and I kind of like my solo gig with her as it is.

So, with all of the above in mind, I took a little time off from the dating scene. I decided to get back into it about a month ago. Meeting women IRL is a bit of challenge because just about everyone I know is either through my work or through my daughter’s activities, both very tricky areas for dating. I’m a decent looking man with a good career. I have a pleasant disposition and a wicked sense of humor that I am pretty skilled at using to my advantage in most parts of life. I decided to try Match (I’ve some past experience) and Tinder (first time…and yikes!!). (Side note…Match was a significantly different experience for me at 40 than it was a few years ago…not sure if that’s an age thing or part of the de-evolution of online dating). Surprisingly, I “met” two relative interesting women through Tinder pretty quickly. Match was mostly duds, but I did strike up a good conversation with someone there too.

Tinder #1 is very attractive, but definitely a little on the wild side. Fun but not LTR material. Tinder #2 is also attractive, not in a head-turner sort of way, but in the quirky artistic kind of way. The Match girl is attractive and very stable in her career and singleness. All have kids, but none younger than 13.

Tinder #1 was my first date of the bunch. After a brief meetup we jumped right into a fun night on the town resulting in great sex. Tinder #2 is special. The chemistry between us was instant and I am very attracted to her. After two dates, sparks really flew, but clothes stayed on. The Match girl was fine…due to busy schedules we’ve only been out one time.

So, here is where I am…

Tinder #1 is pretty fun, but not really my speed. I mean, I’m all for a good romp once in a while, but I’m a little old fashioned and casual hook ups just don’t feel right to me. Plus she texts constantly and that is starting to wear me out. Thus far, I’ve been polite, but I’m getting to a point to where I either need to tell her I’m not interested or just stop responding.

Tinder #2 has got my interest more than anyone else in a long time. I very much enjoy talking to her (and that appears to be mutual). We have many common interests and are senses of humor collide perfectly. The only downside with her is that her split from her husband of many years (like 17 or 18) is very recent (about 4 months ago) and divorce is still in progress. We’ve hit it off from the start, but I know what it’s like in her situation and I know that getting positive attention from someone for the first time in a long time can be misleading.

Match girl is a little tougher for me to figure out. I enjoyed her company and I believe that was mutual. She has a very serious career. She is well connected in our community and we know a lot of common people. She is attractive and is very appealing. While we had a nice time during our first date, I didn’t feel the instant connection I did with Tinder #2. However, I’m not sure I’m not a little intimidated by her.

Here’s what I’m trying to figure out…

I think it’s pretty obvious I need to move on from Tinder #1. She’s fun and all and I could probably play along for a while, but that seems very insincere so I should probably let it go. That being said, I’m not exactly sure how to do that without some catalyst.

No issues with Tinder #2. We chat an appropriate amount. Have lots of plans to hang out when we can and things seem to be moving at an appropriate pace and it’s just something to see where it goes at this point.

Match girl is the real challenge. She’s busy and I’m busy, so getting together is a bit of effort. I don’t want to miss a potential opportunity just because it seems like I’ve hit it off with Tinder #2. I’d like to stay in contact with her, but I do want to be respectful of her time. So if my interest is really with the Tinder #2 girl, is it fair to play the “backburner game with this Match girl?

So, I am very interested in your thoughts on what someone in my situation should do. I want to treat everyone with respect, but I don’t want to sell myself short of a keeping options open. Thanks for your input.
Age: 40
You’re suffering from toomanyoptionsitis. Right now, you’re like a kid in a candy store, swiping and clicking and matching away without any real foresight as to how this affects the other person.

Tinder #1 scares the pants off of you, what with her wild and slutty ways,  so yeah, do both of yourselves a favor stop wasting each other’s time. You were more than happy to jump into bed with her on the first date, but of course you held that against her after the fact. Stay classy, dude. Unless you know you somehow misled her, then there shouldn’t be any implosions when you give her her walking papers.

Match girl is a challenge because you can’t figure her out and don’t know where you stand with her, so naturally you’re hesitant to cut her loose. You’ll probably lose interest in her once she actually starts making some effort, as that’s what people like you tend to do.

Tinder #2 matches your interest and investment level stroke for stroke and is the safe bet. Plus, she hasn’t put out yet so she must be “safe.” You know, not like that other woman from Tinder who put out right away because she’s so “wild.”

Oh, and good luck convincing all these women you meet to hold off on wanting to get married until you’re ready. Because it’s all about you, right?

You’ve met someone you really like and things appear to be going well, but oh my God what if Match Girl is The One?? Like, the solution to all of this should be crystal clear to you, but you can’t help but fret that there just might be someone better out there, better than the woman you already met and with whom you click. Do you see the problem you’re creating for yourself? Get the fuck out of here with this. You already failed at marriage once, dude. How many chances do you think you’re going to get to get it right?

No, it’s not fair to play the back burner game with any of these women. Make a choice. That or be upfront about not offering exclusivity and commitment and date both of them. Those are your options. I’m sorry that I’m not more sympathetic to your plight, but this is literally a non-problem that you’re making into a bigger one simply because you’re afraid you’ll be missing out on something. If you’re not willing to make a choice, then you’re not ready for a serious relationship. Period. Full stop.




Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)


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43 Responses to “When Having Too Many Options Is A Bad Thing”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    Moxie knocks it out the park.

    I was like, “Oh, hi, 99% of the guys in my dating bracket.” I’m sure someone will have something to say about avoidant attachment types (and they’re probably right).

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 37 Thumb down 2

  2. kb8240 Says:

    A-f”cking-men. This guy…story of my tinder dating life. Welcome to the Netflix of dating, you’ll never be satisfied by a single choice again.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 34 Thumb down 1

    • Goldie Says:

      I think he’s approaching this from the wrong angle. These are people, not Netflix shows. He’s spending too much time listing their credential and not nearly enough telling us whether they connect on a human level. The same interests and hobbies don’t matter. The person’s serious career and the circles she moves in do not matter in the long run, either. Do they have have a connection or don’t they? I don’t know, he didn’t say. Mind you, he’s not the only one making a call which one to continue seeing. They are making the same call too. Do they like OP enough to keep seeing him? There’s no doubt in my mind that each of these women has other options, too.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 1

      • KK Says:

        He actually DID say he had a connection with the second woman from Tinder. Which is what is sooo frustrating. ALL any of us want, any human being, is a connection. If you’ve found it, stick with it.

        I actually do think career trajectory matters over the long run. Well, I guess I should say it depends on the people and the circumstances. it’s just that it matters way less than any connection you have, and if you share values.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1

        • Goldie Says:

          Oh you’re right. My reading comprehension is shot lately.

          Wait, but he also says he’s only been on two dates with the Tinder girl and on one date with the Match one? and he’s losing sleep trying to decide which one should be his girlfriend? Dude, neither at this point. You don’t know either of these people yet!! Go on a few more dates.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

  3. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Ha the irony here is that Robert came here looking for head pats for supposedly doing the right thing. He seems like an otherwise reasonable person. I’d say two things. First, you don’t need to make a “decision” now. It’s too early. Without knowing you, I’d say that “urgency” you feel is probably the same impulse that caused you to get married in the first place. So, as Moxie suggests, you’re probably repeating an unhealthy pattern. Just chill out and enjoy the company of these women. It’s possible they will make the decision for you, if you know what I mean. Second point: Is it fair? All is fair in love and war. And that’s not just fortune cookie advice. Well, technically it is, but still valid.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 1

    • Bill Says:

      Agree with you DMN, and want to add a few things.

      First, OP, the “old-fashioned” mention is code for slut-shaming. THAT is something you need to work on for yourself, otherwise, the hypocrisy of not liking a woman whom YOU sleep with on the first date shines through. Also, this is not what you should want to teach your daughter if you want her to be a healthy, independent woman.

      However, Moxie, in her anger, overlooked a red flag with Tinder woman #1. That is the instant BF/GF type communications after one date (even if there was 1st date sex)… this is a form of overly fast, faux familiarity that is a big, red flag, regardless of the gender. Yes, you should break off with Tinder #1… not because she’s a “slut”, but because she is jumping to relationship-mode at hyper-speed.

      After that, I agree with DMN. You (OP) haven’t even gotten beyond the getting-to-know you first few dates with either of the other two women. IMO, you should continue to date both and at some point, YOUR preferences will be clear as you will want to ask one of the two out in preference to the other. With luck, the one you want to see the most will feel likewise about you. Or, neither and you start over again making new contacts.

      Finally, as the father of daughters, I applaud you making your daughter the most important person in your life. However, if you are searching for a second important woman in your life, you should not set rules that instantly put them at odds. Instead, the “rule” I would recommend is NOT to introduce any “dates” to your daughter. If/when you are in an exclusive relationship with LTR “possibilities”, THAT is when to introduce them. I think you might be AMAZED when the two women in your life (daughter and GF) bond together and become friends, kind of like being the “fun” Aunt in your daughter’s life, not a replacement mom. If you let that happen, you might look back and find that arbitrary rule pretty laughable.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 5

  4. Goldie Says:

    This is the one thing I do not like about online dating. There’s this intense pressure to make a choice and… take things to the next level? whatever that may be; as quickly as humanly possible. He’s known each of these women for less than a month. He’s probably been on all of two or three dates with the match girl (since they’re both busy and have incompatible schedules), and maybe five or six with the other one, if that. Had he met these people in real life, it’d have taken him months to spend time in the company of each of them, get to know them better, then maybe decide if he wants to date one of them. But since it’s online dating, he needs to make this call now, to get serious with one of these total strangers, and release another one back into the dating pool, where she’ll soon meet with the same pressure from the next guy, who will also need to know if she’s the one after three dates.

    You can only know if your date is all-around bad news after three dates. You cannot know if you have a genuine, good connection that early on.

    Really the only reason why I felt good and confident getting into a relationship with my most recent ex, was because we hadn’t initially thought of dating one another, had both decided to take a break from online dating shortly after he messaged me, and so were able to spend four months in a no-pressure environment, talking to each other and getting to know each other better. By the time we decided to get serious, it was because we both felt a strong connection – not because our time was running out and we felt we had to lock the other person in asap. Yes he’s an ex, but we had a good two years. The one before him, I’d also met on OKC, and it was a rush decision on both sides. We’d gone on a few dates, he decided he wanted to be exclusive because chemistry, and I decided I was okay with becoming exclusive, because we had the same hobbies, he was less terrible than everyone else I’d gone out with, and he said he’d take me to Manhattan for a trip (laugh all you want, I deserve it.) We had no connection and our relationship was a disaster.

    It’s my impression that in online dating, anything longer than a handful of dates is considered stringing the other person along; that after a total of 10-12 hours spent together, you should know enough about them to either get serious or stop seeing them. That’s too much of a rush in my opinion. If I knew how to get around this problem, I’d be on OKC right this minute instead of commenting here. I want to go back online at some point, but this speed-chase situation really does scare me.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1

    • fuzzilla Says:

      That’s a good point that it’s only been a month. It’s still kind of the “getting to know you” phase, no need for “front burner/back burner” terminology yet.

      I still think Moxie’s right that it’s like – look, you found someone you really click with and see no major issues with, so why do you want to sabotage that for someone with little availability? Because you wanna hypothetically shoehorn yourself into her social circle?

      Things are new, yes, but a pattern is beginning to form.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1

      • Goldie Says:

        Hah, I think you’re on to something with the social circle. What the OP doesn’t know is that, if they do start a relationship and the relationship ends, she’ll take all of her social circle with her and he’ll be locked out of it. Oh, sweet summer child :)

        I agree that, if you’ve found someone you really click with, it’s time to stop searching. These people are very hard to find (for me, anyway.)

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

        • fuzzilla Says:

          This sounds like exactly the kind of guy I’d tell a friend to watch out for, and exactly why I always advise women to keep their options open ’til there’s a commitment. You can never be everything he wants if he’s always looking for the next best thing and you can’t magically morph into a different person at will. (Sure, fine, you can reverse the genders in the situation, I suppose, before someone points that out).

          I mean, he’s not really doing anything wrong if it’s been a month and he’s just seeing what’s out there, but as Moxie said, if he really valued what he’s found so far with Tinder #2, why would Match girl even be an issue?

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Also sounds like the kind of guy who wouldn’t just say he wants to keep things casual and non-exclusive because he wants the women he’s dating to offer him what he himself will not offer them – full, undivided attention and potential future commitment.

            If he just said he wanted to keep things casual, then they’d be sleeping with other men, and – ooh, ick! He can do whatever the hell he wants, but they should be keeping themselves pure for his flaky, non-committal ass (heh, I said this kind of dude was a sore spot, maybe I’m being harsh…).

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            **You can never be everything he wants if he’s always looking for the next best thing and you can’t magically morph into a different person at will.**

            Not to be all, “Yay me, I’m in a relationship,” but it took a really long time for me to let myself trust that not ALL men are like this. Not ALL men are commitment-phobes, chasing women half their age, constantly looking for the next best thing, etc. It’s just, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a guy like that, especially with online dating. Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst, and all that.

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  5. mxf Says:

    If you’re not willing to make a choice, then you’re not ready for a serious relationship. Period. Full stop.

    This is everything. The OP says he’s happy with his life as is, but has instantly gone into girlfriend-finding mode, while sweating making the *wrong* choice. Just relax, guy. Maybe none of these women are hoping to be chosen anyway? It’s not all up to you.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 26 Thumb down 1

  6. BostonRobin Says:

    “I’m a little old fashioned and casual hook ups just don’t feel right to me.” This made my hair stand on end. Dude, do you listen to yourself? Double standard much?

    The entire letter just screams out AVOIDANT. That’s why you say things like “right woman, wrong time” and just can’t seem to make a connection. It’s not them, it’s you.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 43 Thumb down 1

    • KK Says:

      He said that casual hookups don’t feel right to him. He did it anyway, and then held it against that woman for doing the same thing. That’s not a double-standard. That’s him engaging in serious cognitive dissonance – if casual sex doesn’t feel right, then you don’t do it. And you definitely don’t hold it against someone for wanting it. If two people have different views on when or how much sex to have, that’s totally cool. It’s cool to not have a relationship with someone because they have way different views on sex than you do. What isn’t cool is to hold it against someone for having a different view and it REALLY isn’t cool to engage in an activity and then hold it against them for doing it. If he’s so old-fashioned, why is he having sex so fast? Or, maybe you’re right and it’s a double-standard” he’s only old-fashioned when it comes to when women should have sex.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Yeah, it’s like, “So we had a great time snorting heroin on our first date, but y’know, that’s really not my scene…who wants to date a druggie?”

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 35 Thumb down 0

        • Goldie Says:

          Right. He says it was great sex, he had an amazing time, then decided he couldn’t do it and could not associate with the people that do, because that is beneath him. I have no words.

          I would like this to go on record as the first time I’ve said that a woman has been used for sex in this scenario.

          Plus she texts constantly and it’s starting to wear him out – but not to the point where he’s not texting back, so she has no idea anything is wrong. Seriously, my eyes cannot be rolled any further back in my head than they are right now.

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        • Parenting Says:

          Hate to say it but I’ve done that. I have friends who do a lot of drinking and other… I love these friends dearly and when I see them, I partake. However, when one of them was dropping hints about wanting to date me my thought was, “No way! You drink too much!” Double standard? Cognitive dissonance? Prolly. But just because I get hammered a couple of times per year doesn’t mean I want to get involved with someone for whom this is a lifestyle. I know slut shaming is a sore spot for a lot of people, but is it really unreasonable to reject anyone for any reason in dating?

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 4

          • PGH Gal Says:

            People can do what they want, just as we can call those people out for being hypocritical assholes.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  7. Jeff Smith Says:

    Sex on the first date is a mistake from the man’s point of view, if they care about others.
    Normally this involves some type of inebriation so really you are taking advantage of the situation.

    It’s ironic that men look down on a women when this happens, as the man is every bit as much responsible (slutty?).
    This is my personal ethic as I prefer not to hurt others feelings.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1

  8. Robyn Says:

    Seems to me that this guy is an optimizer (as opposed to a “satisficer”). He’s all about looking to do better (but of course he still wants to have the benefit of steady female companionship while he’s constantly scanning the horizon for the next best thing to show up).

    Robert – grow a pair and be honest with all of your harem / potential harem members. Let them know that you aren’t currently exclusive, and (by the sounds of it) you aren’t intending to get exclusive with any one of them in the near future. Then at least they will know what they’re dealing with & can make an informed decision as to whether they want to continue to interact with you. Now of course, they may all decide that you’re not worth their while (if they are in fact looking for something exclusive, but you are not).
    Conversely, if you really are are looking for something exclusive, then escalate your interaction with the lady concerned (get exclusive) & cut the rest of the harem loose.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 0

  9. Yvonne Says:

    This is a good example of “the paradox of choice”, when too many choices actually cause more anxiety and confusion rather than simply giving us more freedom and autonomy. IMO, this is the biggest problem for online daters; the “kid in the candy store” mentality.

    Like many new daters, you need to decide what type of relationship you ideally want to have. Do you want to re-marry, get in an LTR, or just date casually (although that last option seems stressful to you)? How can you make a decision about who you want to date after only 1 or 2 dates?

    Go out with each woman again until you are sure. I’m not saying you’ll need to go on 10 more dates with each woman, but maybe even 1 or 2 more dates will give you enough info on how to proceed. You really don’t know any of these women well enough at this point.

    Why do you need to wait until your daughter graduates to re-marry? Another non-issue since that’s only 3 years away anyhow. And if you don’t want to move too quickly, then don’t jump into bed on the first date, and don’t use someone just for sex (even if they seem okay with that). The fact that she’s texting you all the times implies that she’s looking for more than a fun romp.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 0

  10. ? Says:

    Look, at the end of the day, just because he is a bloke doens’t mean he needs to be pressured into making a choice. He can do whaever he hell he wants. All “you have to make a choice” business comes down to the fact that he is a man at an age which still makes him attractive to women and he has options galore. Commentors here wouldn’t be telling young women with lots of options to “make a choice” now, would they ? They would be telling her to enjoy, have fun and make a choice whenever she feels ready.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 14

  11. Eliza Says:

    Cool Dude? You know what? That’s what the OP is afraid on missing out on. The possibility to get laid with each of these women.
    So–just get that out of the way. Some women put out and some just don’t….nothing wrong with either choice. But please, this is not a dilemma…you are 40 years old…grow up and just come clean about your intentions. We all know the drill. Moxie spelled it out.
    No need to beat around the bush here. Loved her reply. Straight forward. Sans the bullshit!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

    • Bill Says:

      “Cool Dude? You know what? That’s what the OP is afraid on missing out on. The possibility to get laid with each of these women.”

      Eliza, that is not what the OP says… re-read his letter: he says he knows he should break it off with Tender woman #1, but is asking for advice on how to do this. Break off all contact (ghost), flat out tell her he’s no longer interested, or something in between?

      Other than that, the rest of his letter is whether or not it’s ok to date two women at the same time? The answer to that is absolutely, until he’s in an exclusive relationship. And, he doesn’t have to “come clean about his intentions”… while just dating, it is only that, dating, until it’s exclusive.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

      • Eliza Says:

        Bill…the OP is basically, as one other person stated: an Optimizer. An opportunist.
        Not sure why he is trying to come across as one that is looking to do “the right thing”.
        After he has casual sex on a first date–and then gets all judgmental with Tinder #1! That’s hypocrisy at the highest point. He is looking to play the field…and there will always be the flavor of the month, and that curiosity of “what lies around the corner”. By the way, we are all adults…with online dating your actions say it all…choose to ghost, or be lame and break it off with a text…same end result…and most mature women will move on, and not be surprised. There is no right way of breaking things off – when they have been on just a handful of dates. My guess is that the OP realized very early on that Tinder #1 was not for him, but had casual sex with her anyway. So, he should stop being such a hypocrite by stating that he is old fashion. He is not. He needs to stop trying to come across as he is trying to be the good samaritan…and fine, not come clean with his intentions, and just be a “player”…and play the field. Yawn…nothing new there.

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        • Bill Says:

          Eliza, sorry for the late reply. In an earlier post, I pointed out that the OP has a problem with “slut-shaming” and hypocrisy… you and I agree on that point.

          Where we might disagree is on how to break “it” off. If I read you correctly, between the lines, he should break up in person, not via text or phone. I disagree, there is no “it” to break off. They had one date, they are strangers and having had sex together doesn’t change that. No second date, nor explanation, nor further contact is owed to a one-date stranger.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

  12. Goldie Says:

    All three at once? That would certainly result in up to four interesting letters to this blog.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

  13. Popular Paul Says:

    I’m in a similar situation to Robert, although I’m 6 months out of a marriage. Also, I have been straight-up with every woman I’ve been out with about my situation and that I’m probably not relationship material at this point.

    In my experience with online dating (maybe due to my geography), people are so flaky that you almost have to have several irons in the fire at all times if you ever expect to go on dates.

    Most women won’t respond to messages. The ones who do respond might find a better option. Those that think you’re the best option will sometimes disable without notice. If you agree to go on a date, some will cancel. In the crazy chance you actually make it to a date, there might not be ‘chemistry’.

    So you have a situation where you might be talking to 5-8 women at the same time. Even then, you might end up with zero dates this weekend, or you could find yourself booked wall-to-wall.

    In all honestly I AM like a kid in a candy store right now, and it’s tough to stop swiping. I’m not sure what the answer is at this point because it’s true, but it is true that I’m always looking to upgrade. But then again, I haven’t yet many anyone I really click with either.

    It’s a problem.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 11

    • bbdawg Says:

      “…people are so flaky that you almost have to have several irons in the fire at all times if you ever expect to go on dates.”

      Wait you mean you are technically married and “not relationship material” yet you call other people “flaky”? This is why I stopped doing online dating… too many men who are not “relationship material” wasting everyone’s time:(

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 3

      • Popular Paul Says:

        Firstly, I am out of my marriage, meaning divorced. So no I’m technically “not married”.

        Secondly, flaky people are those to cancel plans or are otherwise dishonest. I’m neither.

        If someone chooses to date me, when I’m open and up-front with my situation, then who’s time is being wasted?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

        • bbdawg Says:

          You know what Paul I have to say your note hit a sore spot for me. Because I have had the experience of people telling me they’re “not married” when they are, so unless a person says “I have never been married” or “I have been divorced for …” I will interpret that as a married man talking. I guess I am not ready to go out there into the world again, just yet:(

          This is so sad, in a way, to think that we have all evolved to see each other as objects, and not actual people. Things we can swipe left and right.

          This is why a lot of people are responding to this letter negatively, because the OP doesn’t describe these women as people, and more like “options” or targets or whatever.

          To the OP I say, finding a connection with someone is a very rare thing, so take your time with the others but don’t take the connection you have with the woman #2 for granted.

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    • Goldie Says:

      You’re right that you have to date multiple people when you’re dating online. I think a lot of people you talk to online would be scared and confused if you didn’t… he doesn’t know me, and yet he tells me I’m the only woman he talks to? why? is he okay to go out with, is he safe?? But 5-8 is overwhelming to you and not fair to the 5-8 women. I suggest you keep it to 3-4 at a time. After you’ve reached that limit, stop talking to any new ones. If you find that you don’t jive with one of your 3-4, take that person off your list and start talking to one new one.

      I don’t think you have to be “up-front with your situation” – it’s the default setting. It’s assumed that you’re talking to several other women. But none of the women you’re talking to want to know the details, which is the only way I can interpret “being up-front with your situation”.

      I’ve been out of my marriage for six years, and have done two rounds of online dating in that time. Both times, I had multiple options too; except in many cases, in my age group/geographical area, it’s like they say… the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Just so I understand your position, it’s okay for a person to date multiple people at a time. to pick and choose among them, and to discard the “odd” ones. That is as long as he doesn’t have more options than you do (eg 3-4). If he exceeds your arbitrary limit then he’s suddenly a scoundrel who has committed major trespasses.

        Give me a break. The women commenting here are embarrassing themselves. This guy is no different than any other guy. And probably not much different than most women. Sorry. You just got a peek behind the curtain – the show is still the same.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 6

        • Goldie Says:

          Did I say he was a scoundrel? All I’m saying is that with 5-8 women, it’s easy to lose track of all 5-8, get them mixed up in your head, not to mention you won’t be able to invest enough time in either of them to get an idea of whether they’re a good fit for him or not. Assuming your end goal is to find a partner, talking to tons of people at a time is not a productive use of online dating.

          I did say it isn’t fair to the 5-8 people he’s talking to, because no matter how they try to get him to know them, they’ll be either forgotten or confused with one (or more) of the other candidates.

          This goes the other way too. I only said “five women” in my post because Popular Paul sounded like he doesn’t date men. if he does, I apologize. I didn’t have that limit set for myself when I first tried dating online after my marriage. I finally decided to limit it to 3-4 after a few awkward phone conversations along the lines of: “Hi Goldie, this is Gary, from the website!” – “which Gary? hold on a minute Gary…” (frantically checks Excel spreadsheet – I kid you not, I had one). Didn’t take me long to see how insane that was for all parties involved.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

          • fuzzilla Says:

            Yeah, I’ve done that, too. “You have two sisters, right? Your dad fought in Vietnam, right?” *crickets as he says no and I realize I was thinking of someone else*

            Online dating is for meeting lots of people and getting a feel for who’s a good fit for you. The OP isn’t doing anything wrong, but it’s kinda hard to know what he wants when he seems to really want a girlfriend and says he’s found a good candidate yet he still wants to play the field. People who want relationships and are excited about who they’re dating do what they reasonably can to lock that person down before someone else does. There’s also the “people who have casual sex are gross except me” thing that’s already been covered.

            I never said he was a “scoundrel,” but I did say he sounds exactly like the kind of guy who will have you regularly banging your head in frustration if you try to date him and make sense of all his mixed messages.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

            • Missy Says:

              So funny! When i met my current guy I got him mixed up with another guy I was chatting with.,, wore flats to my date with him (he’s 6’0″, I’m 5’6″) but wore heels to the date with the other guy (said he was 5’6″ but I doubt it). The shorter guy said he didn’t care but then continued to comment on my shoes/my height in them all night. I honestly don’t care much about height but I do care about his confidence/my ability to wear whatever I want. In a way my getting them mixed up made it easier to make a choice, it’s a weird challenge of online dating.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  14. Zaire Says:

    Moxie went in and it was well warranted (most times it is). You’re so old fashioned and against casual sex that you jumped into bed the first night it was on offer, lol okay. This was a good letter, it’s rare to see a man run online to OMG BRAY about his dating life like this. It’s a nice change of pace

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

    • Katie Says:

      Lol, I’m sure he only slept with her as a test. You know, to see what kind of a girl she was, not because he wanted to have sex ;) Now he can tell she’s one of those hussies that sleeps with a guy on the first date. SHAME!

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 0

  15. coffeestop Says:

    The OP claims he is not interested in casual hook ups and is judging the Tinder #1 woman for hooking up with him so he wants to cut it off because she is texting him too much. So he is a total hypocrite and he has no balls. He needs to tell Tinder #1 he does not want a relationship. And men wonder why women often hesitate about sex early on…

    Had he slept with either of the other women, he would be saying the same thing about them and when he does he will probably get bored of them. However, the obvious answer is to continue dating both women. I agree, non problem. Chances are they are also both seeing other men, he is making the mistake of secretly thinking they are both competing for him, for all he knows one of them has put him on the back burner.

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  16. Yvonne Says:

    “Tinder #2 matches your interest and investment level stroke for stroke and is the safe bet. Plus, she hasn’t put out yet so she must be “safe.” You know, not like that other woman from Tinder who put out right away because she’s so “wild.””

    She’s also only 4 months separated, not even divorced, after a long marriage. Finalizing her divorce could be a long way off at this point. What are the chances that she’s ready for anything serious? Could it also be that she seems safe because she’s not emotionally available? Yet another reason to go slowly and give it a few more dates.

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  17. Glazer Says:

    Some folks are enjoying their dating odyssey with no regard for the people they’re having fun with.

    A sad testament to the fact that there are emotionally unavailable folks getting there physical needs met at the expense of someone else.

    Agreed the guy was a total hypocrite for judging her for 1st date sex. I have a not so close friend that feels that way about quick sex. I don’t get that whole train of thought. Weird.

    I imagine his reputation will get the best of him once he blazes his trail of glory with the locals…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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