This Just In: It’s Okay To Not Be Desperate For a Man

not-creating-any-sexual-tension-first

 

Name: Lily
:
Question: Hi there–

Long time reader, recently back on the dating scene and just dipping my toe into things again.

I met a promising guy online and contacted him, and he was johnny on the spot emailing me back-. We traded emails and then switched to IM for a couple days before he asked me out.

There were a couple “pink flags” at times (see later in letter), but I tried to get a more complete picture to put them in context–he was married for 14 years, divorced for 1.5, and this is pretty much his second dating experience in life, so I was willing to give him so leeway.

He works 12-15 hour days in manual labor and can be scheduled as far as 1.5 hours from our mutual hometown. So with the commute and then getting ready for a date, a 4 PM end of day is really more like 6PM. He also works 7 days a week, by choice, for the extra money.

Both days we talked before our date, he said he would message me later but completely dropped contact, to pick it up the next day with profuse apologies and pretty reasonable explanations-family emergency, pre-scheduled party, etc.

I was okay with it, chatting online is not an obligation or commitment, dropping out of contact here and there before a first date is NBD.

I did politely ask if he felt that he had time to date, given the busy schedule he seemed to have and he swore up down and sideways he did, the person in his life was first priority, etc.

So, he asked me out for a Thursday, I accepted, and he then had to ask for a reschedule for another night because his grandmother called and wanted to go out. Okay, cool, it happens. Weekend nights are better anyway.

The first date went swimmingly, and he asked me out for the first available date he had open: the following Monday.

Okay, so Monday comes around and he has to ask for a reschedule *again*–he has to do laundry and grocery shopping. I mean…

At this point, I’m kind of frustrated. I plan ahead for a date night–pick out a cute outfit that can carry me from work to play, grab cash from the ATM, change my workout schedule, run errands at lunch instead of after work, get the house extra spruced up, whatever. It’s nothing huge, but ugh.

We scheduled plans for Tuesday instead of Monday, and I asked him “what time”?

7 PM. Instead of the 5 PM we had planned on–he’s an hour outside town and still needs to get ready before coming over.

I pretty much pulled the ripcord at that point, seeing  the writing on the wall and asked if maybe we should put a pin in it, until his crazy schedule got less crazy. He agreed and that’s that.

My closest friend feels like maybe I’m being too rigid, and 7 PM isn’t too late, people need understanding, maybe I’m just not ready to really date, etc.

My question is: given the situation, am I being unreasonable for cutting this guy loose? Am I being too rigid or is this the kind of thing that signals someone who’s life really isn’t under their control?
Age: 27

 

I would have ceased all communications upon hearing “12-15 hour work days.” Nope. No fucking way.  No, you’re not being too rigid. You have the right to want to date someone available, and this guy is not available.  His life is under control, just not in a way that makes his schedule in any conducive to dating someone who doesn’t share a similar schedule.

This is why I balk at people who yap about working all these weird hours and not being able to respond to text at normal times of day. You know when your situations is atypical, which means you either need to make adjustments or seek out someone with a similar lifestyle. Like, if you live in a suburb, you are seriously kidding yourself if you think someone from a more metropolitan area is going to want to date you unless you plan on schlepping to that city 90% of the time.  If you want to date someone who lives in a city, move to that city. Full stop. People live in cities for a reason, and it’s not so they can sit on a train or bus for two to three hours every weekend to go see you. Same goes for folks who work weird hours. No, I don’t want to wait until ten when you get off your bartending or restaurant management shift. I have to be up early in the morning.  I get emails from people fairly frequently asking me to schedule events on weekday nights because they work weekends. I mean, how do you think you’re going to date without having weekend evenings free? Or, and I love these people, they ask for free or discounted admission to things citing money issues. Um, no? If you can’t afford $25 for an event, maybe dating shouldn’t be your priority. When I get emails citing “credit card issues” and an inability to pay full price for something, I do what I can to dissuade people from attending an event.

This guy seems to think it’s perfectly okay to cancel and reschedule and push dates back. It’s not. It’s rude. He wants the relationship (maybe) without making any concessions. That’s not how it works. He’s putting you out without a second thought. He could, I don’t know, go into work an hour early so he can clock off at a certain time. But no, he wants you to alter your schedule to fit his. Fuck that noise. Equally “Bitch, Please” is your friends telling you you’re being too rigid. You know who says stuff like that? People who cling to every sliver of opportunity presented regardless of the red flags. Those people are shocked at the idea that they can give someone a pass.  Don’t listen to them. They’re the ones who end up in unsatisfying bordering on unhealthy relationships.

 

Thoughts?

AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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53 Responses to “This Just In: It’s Okay To Not Be Desperate For a Man”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    Yeah, if he knows he brings an atypical schedule to the table, he should be making an extra effort to show he *is* reliable and available. She gets bumped because, “My grandma wants to go out”? “Laundry”? WTF? Is that true or a cover for going out with other women (and no, nothing wrong with that if things are new, but keep your shit together/keep it classy)?

    She did the right thing. Flakiness and unreliability are huge turnoffs to me, especially in the early stages when you’re supposed to be on your best behavior and trying to impress.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 29 Thumb down 1

    • Eliza Says:

      Fuzz–and the OP states a few “pink flags”? Those are burning red flags to me. yes?! lol. Why do people go in with both eyes wide shut? Why? he’s either married, dating so much, (hence the flakiness) or if those excuses are genuine–he has NO time. Either way–he is not a prime candidate for any type of relationship.
      Unreliability equates to inconsideration. Next.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

  2. CoolDude Says:

    My first question was “how old is this guy?” If the OP is 27 and dating a guy who was married for 11 years I’m assuming he either was married very young and is maybe early-mid 30’s. If not, why does a 27-year-old want to date a guy pushing 40 who works insane manual labor hours?

    One other note, going to the ATM to get cash is not really a big deal “errand” in my mind.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 2

  3. Goldie Says:

    100% with Moxie on this. Suppose this worked out and you two got together. How are you supposed to have a relationship with a guy who works, let me see… 80-100 hour weeks?! Yes, you did the right thing. He’s not available to date. He’s not available to do anything outside of work, as a matter of fact. He can barely carve out the time to do his own laundry. You’re not being too rigid. Your friends are on crack.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 0

  4. Goldie Says:

    Also, re this: “people need understanding, maybe I’m just not ready to really date, etc.”

    Why do our supposedly close friends feel so compelled to say ridiculous, insulting shit each time our relationship or marriage ends or a promising date doesn’t work out, or whatever? what possessed this “closest friend” to tell OP that maybe she’s not ready to really date if she’s not willing to drop everything and plan her life around a flaky guy who works hundred-hour weeks? I’ve lost a lot of friends in the wake of my divorce and first big breakup, and have been very selective about adding new ones; and still after my last breakup, a few insane statements slipped through the cracks. I’m “struggling to find a man”. I “need a man with money the next time”. “Nobody understands why you left your husband to begin with, since you’re still single.” “Why did it take you and your ex two years, I always knew three months in if the person wasn’t right.” For the love of god, people, stop! You’re not helping. Assuming you’re trying to help, you’re doing it wrong. Let me give you a hint, if you know what you’re going to say is going to put the other person on the defensive and force them to explain themselves, shut your mouth and don’t say that thing. “Closest friend”! smh

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 0

    • fuzzilla Says:

      I think people have a hard time having boundaries when they see a lot of themselves in another person’s situation. This is something I try to watch in my own behavior. When I do let shit slip, it tends to be of the overly cautious variety. “You had two great dates! Hurray! Keep things in perspective and make sure his behavior is consistent, though, remember last time…” I should probably just end it at “hurray.”

      I would never say that “Ur doin’ it wrong and your life is a mess” stuff you mention, though. Damn.

      I posted a thing on Facebook recently about giving comfort in hard times (having had some recent hard times of my own). “Comfort in, dump out.” Like, *you* can bitch about your divorce all you want, it’s your life. If some peripheral friends have feelings about it, like, “Wow, if they didn’t make it, who will?” – those feelings are valid, but they should *not* be shared with you. Their job is to comfort you and dump those feelings elsewhere.

      http://www.latimes.com/nation/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  5. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    To me, this is a no brainer and not because the guy is “unavailable” to date. It’s because his excuses are not valid reasons to cancel a date. They are perfectly valid reasons not to schedule a date in the first place (ie Tuesday night is laundry night, okay) but laundry didn’t suddenly come up. Even grandma could give advance notice for an evening out. Grandma broke her hip? Now that might work. It’s just disrespectful. At least make up a good reason to cancel like everyone else.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 35 Thumb down 1

    • Goldie Says:

      Yeah, “grandma wants to go out” sounds really unbelievable. Good for this guy’s grandma for being more spontaneous than a 15-year-old, but I’m not buying this. Every grandma I know would schedule a dinner weeks in advance, just so she can spend all that time looking forward to it. Even if it really happened, why didn’t he say, Sorry grandma, I already have plans that night. Can we do it on Thursday? It’s not like grandma is booked solid and it was her only open night in years.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 0

      • Yvonne Says:

        But the reason this guy makes up so many lame excuses is because he has no free time. He probably has little leeway in his schedule to move things around, and he may be chronically disorganized as a result. Either that, or he overbooks his time (or makes up lame excuses) because he really doesn’t want to date. Or he’s actually married. In any case, it all adds up to “unavailable”.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

  6. Mamajuju Says:

    This guy is married. The crazy busy schedule, the lame last minute excuses…
    The inability to stick to a plan…..
    Nope. Bad news.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 40 Thumb down 0

  7. mxf Says:

    Dating is definitely tough enough without feedback from friends. My friend who has never online dated and has mostly met boyfriends through school, then work, without much “dating” in between, would sometimes give me a perspective that was different from my own. I tried to hear her out, as I was learning as I went, but it was liberating when I realized after awhile, “huh. She has ideas about how she would act in these scenarios, but she’s actually got no experience to draw on. It’s ok to dismiss some of her stuff as just… way off.” It made me way less defensive.

    Like, a guy who wanted to go for happy hour drinks on a Saturday evening was supposed to follow up by text, and didn’t contact me until around 10pm to see where I wanted to meet up. I was either his backup plan after a dinner, or he had other hopes for our first date and was making it start deliberately late. I’d long since assumed he’d flaked, and was not at all up for meeting for the first time at 11 at night. My friend was pretty judgey and implied that I, too, was being too rigid, not chill enough, etc.

    But in the end it was fine. I let him know I’d thought he meant an earlier cocktail, we rescheduled and met another night. He was interesting, the date was fine, but at the end he asked me to go home with him anyway. He was hoping for sex, period, no matter when we met, and my instincts had been right. I’m just glad I didn’t schlep out on my weekend to prove it to anyone. If anything, I needn’t have bothered with the rescheduled date at all.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 0

    • fuzzilla Says:

      **I’d long since assumed he’d flaked, and was not at all up for meeting for the first time at 11 at night. My friend was pretty judgey and implied that I, too, was being too rigid, not chill enough, etc.**

      Damn. Some women really do think turning down any attention from a man is acting like you’re too good for water in a desert. Also some people *hate hate hate* hearing any complaints whatsoever so they advise you to just throw anything at the problem to get you to shut up about it.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        I’m surprised commenters here don’t fluently speak “woman.” When a female friend criticizes your dating decisions (too rigid, too picky, etc) what she means is: “You are not as attractive as you think you are and are shooting out of your league.” Even I know this. It’s an insult, absolutely, but that does not mean it’s not accurate.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 10

        • fuzzilla Says:

          But “shooting out of your league” means chasing someone far more attractive than you, not saying “yeah, no thanks” to someone you’re not interested in.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

          • fuzzilla Says:

            I do have a friend who has a tendency to get way too excited about guys who show only minimal interest in her, makes tons of excuses for them, etc., and it’s bitten her in the ass many times. Maybe pointing that out is kind of busybody-ish, and I do try not to, but it’s not the same as saying, “You should shut up and be grateful for ANY attention, ya old sea hag…”

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

            • mxf Says:

              lol @ ya old sea hag…

              yeah, that is different though. the opposite, in fact. she’s over-enthusiastic without any evidence that there’s a good reason to be. being under-enthused about every single person is also not great. but for everything in the middle, people have to develop their own instincts and parameters. sometimes, i did chase down more opportunities, other times i let some go. but i didn’t want someone else determining what i should be doing all the time, you know?

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

          • KK Says:

            Shooting out of your league doesn’t mean chasing after someone who’s more attractive. It means you’re chasing after someone who thinks they’re more attractive than you (or, that they deserve someone more attractive than you – and attractive could mean in terms of looks, career, or any combination).

            I have a friend whose boyfriend is so beyond out of her league looks-wise, it is amazing. But HE didn’t think so. He thought she was in his league.

            I think most people have had the experience of being blown off by someone who seemed to be beneath you. Well, to that person, you weren’t in their league.

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 0

            • BTownGirl Says:

              Moxie, if you ever have guest columnists, I’d like to nominate KK preemptively haha! Damn you’re good :)

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

            • Goldie Says:

              Right. These leagues are all perception. I’m pretty sure it’s even possible to consider oneself above the other person’s league in one way and below it in another (looks, intellect, status, etc). Which makes for two very confused people if it happens in a relationship.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

        • mxf Says:

          It’s entirely unlikely that I have a friend who thinks in her heart of hearts I’m so unattractive that I need to go out with virtually anyone, at any time, whose league is “man,” which ought to be good enough for me.

          It’s entirely likely my friend is someone annoyingly basing her dating advice on SATC reruns and misplaced ideas about being “open to life.”

          Life isn’t Mean Girls. There is no “speaking woman.”

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2

          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Oh I assure you, your “friend” does not think you are as attractive as you think you are. The better explanation – and one to which I’m sure all of us can agree – is that she is wrong and/or doesn’t have a clue what makes a woman attractive to men.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

            • mxf Says:

              So… we’re netting out that I’m super hot, though, right.

              Thanks, DME!!!

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

            • ? Says:

              No Drviing me Nuts, women DO have a very very good idea of what makes a woman, any woman, attractive to the majority of men. Both in terms of looks and behaviour.

              The better explanation behind a women offering bad dating advice to a friend knowingly (and is usually the case because women are better than men at the relationship thing), do so because she is jealous of her friend and wants her friend to fail with a great guy, while pairing up with a loser.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 4

        • Parenting Says:

          If you fluently spoke “woman” you’d know that such criticisms say much more about the critic than the person being criticized.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

  8. Yvonne Says:

    “My closest friend feels like maybe I’m being too rigid, and 7 PM isn’t too late, people need understanding, maybe I’m just not ready to really date, etc.

    I don’t get it. The man is working insanely long hours doing manual labor. He must be exhausted all the time. He barely has time to sleep,let alone go out on dates.

    It isn’t you who isn’t ready to date, it’s this guy. Plus, when you said his work schedule was too crazy, he agreed with you, so how is that any reflection on you? You are smart to want someone more available.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 2

  9. BTownGirl Says:

    Totally agree on all of this and special “AMEN GIRL AMEN” regarding the friend. I once had a friend who told me I was “too picky” because I didn’t want to date a friend of her husband’s she had set me up with – not only was the attraction not there, he was still going back and forth with an ex-girlfriend. I mean, seriously? My former friend’s husband, of course, was someone she wasn’t at all into when she met him and only started dating him after she’d been dumped by two guys she was crazy about in a row. To each their own, but not everyone needs a relationship badly enough to make concessions that don’t feel right to them.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

    • Goldie Says:

      My attempt at “speaking woman” (not that I believe in that stuff)… She thought you were a threat to her marriage while you were single, so she needed to fix you up with someone, anyone, asap. And who would be more convenient than a friend of her husband’s! You’re both over at their place all of the time anyway, might as well be over at their place as a couple. Glad to hear this is a *former* friend.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

      • BTownGirl Says:

        You know, I never thought of it that way! Probably because from my perspective, once a friend starts dating a man, he may as well be a blood relative as far as I’m concerned haha! Either way, she was an ass ;)

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

    • ? Says:

      I think your ex-friend wanted you to end up just as miserable as she was. Maybe that explains why she is no longer a friend

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  10. D. Says:

    My take on this:

    Unless we’re talking about friends with whom I have an already well-established, long-standing relationship, AND those friends don’t routinely flake on me, I have zero patience for this kind of bullshit.

    I don’t really care about someone’s excuses for flaking on me. Last minute cancellations pretty much tell me “Sorry, my shit’s more important.” Now, if it’s an emergency, or something genuinely important that you absolutely cannot get out of, ok, I’ll give you a pass here or there. But the stuff that came up in this story? Hell no. Grandma wants to go out? Here’s an idea: tell grandma you have plans, and ask if she’s free tomorrow instead. And you had to stay home to do your laundry? Grow up.

    Making plans with actual adults usually means that you have to arrange your schedule accordingly, including shuffling around all the other shit in your life (e.g. YOUR LAUNDRY, for starters…) so that you can be sure to make the date on time. When someone cancels last minute, it means that they have wasted your time.

    Even though going to the ATM for cash isn’t really (or shouldn’t be, anyway) such a chore, the simple fact is, it doesn’t matter how free you actually are. You’ve blocked out time for them. Time you could have spent getting together with someone else, or even just not rushing to get all your other crap done so you can see this person. So, to me, what the other person’s actions say when they last minute cancel (especially for bullshit like laundry or other mundane tasks) is that they just don’t give a shit about you.

    Now, this isn’t uncommon in dating, especially early dating. You don’t know each other, so why should anyone expect the other person to actually care? But a lack of respect of someone else’s time should tell you that this is a person whom you probably don’t want in your life.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 1

    • Parenting Says:

      Exactly! Two flakes and two cancellations before the second date? Oh hell no!

      My guess is that this guy isn’t trying to send a message about his importance. He is just incapable of planning more than 15 minutes into the future like a normal adult.

      I wouldn’t be too hard on the friend though. She may just not be as bothered by flaky behavior or having last minute changes in her plans and thats ok. She can go date this guy. Long term, though, this guy would drive most of us nuts. Can you imagine?? “Sorry, I couldn’t file my taxes because dinner with grandma.” “Sorry, I couldn’t pick up the kids from school because laundry.” Oh hell no!!

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0

  11. Eliza Says:

    Do yourself a favor…save your energy for someone that is capable and willing to compromise. Because that is what ALL relationships comprise of. Whether romantic or not. Both parties need to respect each other’s needs and be willing to come to terms about how often to meet, and there shouldn’t be this much red tape and back and forth involved…and clearly the OP is rightfully frustrated. But blame yourself OP, for putting up with it – and so soon no less! And your friends telling you that you need to shake your rigid ways? They are clearly reacting out of desperation. No need for that. By the way, when has “Laundry and/or grocery shopping” become such a mandatory task that cannot be postponed for another day/night? Perhaps this man barely has time for himself…and has laundry piling up – from working 60-75 work weeks…and doing manual labor…no fun there. He does NOT have time for himself, let alone for anyone else. Including you. You can do much better. you are 27 years old! Stop wasting your time on such nonsense.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

  12. Eliza Says:

    Oh–just re-read the OP’s post…this guy works SEVEN days a week! Those hours?! He obviously needs the money and is not in a situation where he can prioritize anything above the income, and squeeze any time in for socializing. Don’t know how he has time to do grocery shopping, or handle person stuff. For himself. Surprised he carved out time to go online. I would be exhausted and unindated with other obligations if I had that crazy work schedule.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  13. Nicki Says:

    So, I dunno, I get people work some insanely long days. Been there, done that. At first I was reading this and thinking, “This guy just shouldn’t date because of his schedule.” Then I reached where grandma called because she had an opening in her busy ass schedule and my thoughts changed to one of the following:

    1. This guy is married or has a girlfriend.

    2. The OP is his back up. He makes plans and then he bails when other things come up that are more appealing to him… A date, a guys night, grandma, whatever.

    I agree with Moxie on this. Nope, OP isn’t being too rigid. And btw, your friend sucks for giving you terrible advice.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 0

  14. coffeestop Says:

    I am an RN in a supervisory position so when I work it ranges from 12-14 hours with a half hour commute each way and Moxie is being a typical snob about people who work 12 hour shifts because they tend to be blue collar types and I often find this kind of reaction OMG you work 12 hour shifts like I am a total freak when in fact cops, nurses, other healthcare workers, and the few people left in manufacturing all work those shifts. Gee whiz sorry for being an essential worker who is not picking my nose with a paper clip while floating on social media for half my day at a cubicle.

    You manage your dating life by using your days off effectively which the man in this scenario is not. In fact he does not want a relationship, nobody who works seven days a week for 12 hours a day wants a relationship. He either just wants a casual sexual relationship or this woman is his back up plan.

    But seriously back off this bullshit about people who work weird hours or long hours or hours that do not confirm to urban office life or free lance life.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 3

    • Nicki Says:

      Except OP said 12-15 hours of manual labor. I don’t think anyone here is looking down on the medical field.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

      • coffeestop Says:

        No but working in the medical field does involve long and strange hours. I chose this life for myself however there seems to be some built in assumption with Moxie that people who work long shifts are fundementally undesirable because our work life does not conform to the office worker. It is a bit condescending. Now the guy in this example is clearly not datable. However, I do not consider people who do manual labor undatable, just this one individual. Everybody does not live in NYC and meet for pricey cocktails and live on take out. People live in the suburbs and small towns and in medium sized cities and date. It happens.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

        • Goldie Says:

          Re-read Moxie’s comment and I agree with you, the part about getting off a bartending or restaurant management shift was pretty telling… What if he’s a CEO of a large corporation? or a high-profile attorney? They work crazy hours too, you know. I’d like to see it spelled out that these people are also undateable because of their work schedules. Otherwise it does come across like “oh you’re in a low-paying/manual job, nope, get lost”.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

        • Valentina Says:

          Agreed. I completely understand Moxie’s point about money (if you can’t afford $25 you really shouldn’t be dating), but dating on weeknights??? Why is that a bad thing? I think it’s more about how it doesn’t work for Moxie than any real reason. There are plenty of people who work more than one job or crazy hours who make dating work/ family life work.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    • BTownGirl Says:

      Just wanted to say how much I respect nurses. I had surgery recently and the two ladies and the gentleman who took care of me were the absolute best. I was as sick as hell from the anesthesia and their kidness meant everything when I was miserable. Takes a special person!!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

      • coffeestop Says:

        Your respect is appreciated and we are not always awesome, we are human but I often still after 20 years grit my teeth at the stereotypes in both media and people’s heads about what we actually do. I should be used to it by now.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

    • Ben Iyyar Says:

      I worked as an RN for 25 years and I support every word you wrote!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

      • coffeestop Says:

        Thanks, I know I sounded defensive but people are super uninformed about how complex our job is and how hard we work. I almost hesitate to tell men in online dating I am an RN, cue the stereotypical comments ya know?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

    • Goldie Says:

      Pretty sure the #1 issue was, not that he works 12-15 hour days, but that he works 12-15 hour days SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. My last ex started a new business a few weeks after we got together; and opened a total of five stores within the two years we were together. Being in a relationship with someone like that can be a major pain in the arse. We were both very considerate of each other and tried to work around the fact that we were in each other’s lives, and see as much of each other as possible; and still every so often I’d get the phone call “babe I’ve got terrible news, I’ve got to work all seven days this week, will see you next weekend if nothing else happens”. And that’s being in an LTR with one person. Dating and meeting new people would be damn near impossible with this kind of schedule, and that’s not being snobby to small business owners, that’s a fact of life.

      Aside from that fact of life, I have nothing but respect for people who work insanely long hours, or any kind of non-conventional hours, conventional in this case being a 9-5 office job. I occasionally have to work long hours and weekends too, and it is a huge relief when your partner meets that with support and understanding, instead of with pursed lips and accusations of ignoring him (*cough*previous ex*cough*).

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  15. Shadowcat Says:

    I work full time as a teacher (and anyone that think our days end at 3:00 have no idea that we work often 15-20 more hours per week on our “own” time) and I am in Grad school full time (15 credits) I fantasize about sleep and stress free weekends and evenings, and if I liked someone that much, even I could carve out time, actually, I would make it a priority.

    Grandma?

    Whatever, I let a guy I was crazy about blow me off to “help his friend hang curtains” and I was ten years older than you at the time, and should have had more sense.

    You’re 27! Seriously? How small a town do you live in that you have to put up with this nonsense?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0

    • Goldie Says:

      I have a friend that I went on a few dates with five years ago. We really liked each other and I was thinking about getting serious. Then the flaking started. He canceled on me for reasons like he all of a sudden wanted to be alone that evening. After a couple weeks of that, I stopped seeing him and got together with someone else. He’s a great guy, but a massive flake. We’re friends now and occasionally make plans to meet and catch up, and he still flakes on those. I can’t even be mad at him, this is what he does. I just make sure I have alternate plans for whenever he says he wants to meet up. Being in a LTR or marriage with someone like this would be pure hell, for me at least.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 4

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        That guy is not your friend. People who flake repeatedly are selfish people who don’t care about your feelings or schedule. Raise your standards just a smidge.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 2

      • fuzzilla Says:

        **He canceled on me for reasons like he all of a sudden wanted to be alone that evening.**

        I dated a guy for maybe a month and a half who canceled a date because he “had a bad day.” When I asked what was wrong, “I dunno, work was just really annoying…” I guess he didn’t do anything wrong, but I found that really hurtful that he didn’t think seeing me would make his bad day better, or he couldn’t even be bothered to think of a better cover. We broke up shortly after because fuck that.

        And yeah, I have zero patience for that, “Oh, that’s just the way I am, I flake on everyone” jazz. Like, I guess you can stay a Facebook friend or I’ll see you at parties, but I won’t ever seek you out if that kinda thing is a pattern.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

        • Goldie Says:

          Nah, I don’t seek him out either because what’s the point? We’ll chat on FB a couple times a year, he’d offer to meet and I’d say yes. Then he’d forget or cancel. Or sometimes he’d meet. I admit I don’t have it in me to get all bent out of shape that a casual friend canceled our twice-a-year plans to meet and shoot the crap for two hours. Would definitely not date and not recommend to a friend looking to date.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

  16. Mark Says:

    Lily (the LW)

    You asked the question “My question is: given the situation, am I being unreasonable for cutting this guy loose? Am I being too rigid or is this the kind of thing that signals someone who’s life really isn’t under their control?”

    My short answer take on this fact pattern is no, you are not being too rigid.

    The slightly longer answer is you agreed to several meets. Each time he bailed. You also noted his long work day seven days a week schedule

    His stated reason is his grandmother wanted to go out and a second was laundry. Now it could well be that these things were on his list. If so, then he was wrong to schedule you given the time/distance factor involved. These were things that if you believed him should make you ask yourself “If he is so busy doing everyday stuff like this, what would the future hold?”

    If you were to take a more cynical view, it could be that he is not being straight up about the time available and he is looking to place you in a sort of back up position if his other options didn’t pan out.

    I don’t know which it is. Nor does it really matter. I do know that for whatever reason you should simply find someone who has more availability given your own schedule. However you want to define that.

    Best of luck and hope things get better.

    Side note: Sorry Moxie. but I respectfully submit that you went overboard in your response to the LW. The hostility factor present in your reply didn’t seem appropriate and I don’t see why it was even called for in this instance. IE the profanity, the availability on weekends, etc.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

  17. Dave Says:

    Yep…I see those types of profiles often and always give them a pass. Especially when they list in the first paragraph something like this: “I have a full life and am super busy with 3 jobs and I travel all the time but I might make time for the right person.” Umm, that’s great you’ve created such a productive life for yourself, but I’d like to meet someone who is actually available in the not too distant future to sit down and chat over a drink.

    One red flag I saw in the OP’s post was the chatting before the date…make the date, and save the chatting for the in person sit down. Also the fact that this dipstick was telling her what he was doing when he canceled plans…ie visiting his Grandma. Major no-no when making a new connection with someone…if you have to cancel, just cancel and give a polite generic reason, but do not tell them why…that’s tacky and rude. No one needs to know that you are visiting sweet Grandma Mildred…especially when you’ve already confirmed a date with them previously!

    Like the phone call girls I mentioned before…one in particular I recall kept canceling date plans…but when she rattled off what she was doing on each day for the rest of the week that was keeping her so busy that’s when I realized I was out of my league and it was time to move on.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  18. So Says:

    IMHO, there is really no need to try to snare a guy who’s just not that interested.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  19. Nia Says:

    Hey I’m the OP, thanks everyone for confirming that I did make the right choice, it’s very helpful and makes me feel so much better.
    I’m actually 37, that was a typo on the age, and the man in question is 35, so I think the age did factor into friends’ advice, like “well, at your age…” (said ironically).
    Thanks again for the support, I’m glad to see I was not being too rigid.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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