Should She Bother With OKCupid & Tinder?


Name: KK
Question: Hi,

The last time i was dating online was two years ago. I have decided to start dating again, and I am not really sure what to do. I am 29 and would like to meet someone I could marry – well, we want to marry each other. OKCupid worked really well for me last time, but at the same time, I know the online dating world has really changed. I know a few people who met their boyfriends on Tinder, so I know it’s a possibility. I just wonder if it’s still the case that Tinder skews much younger, and if guys are using to look for relationships, as well as hookups. I heard that most decent guys have migrated to Tinder from OKCupid, and wondered if that was true.

Also, are paid sites worth anything anymore?

Thank you
Age: 29

I have to say that I don’t think the paid sites are worth it anymore. It used to be that the paid sites meant that the people who joined were more serious and thus considered less likely to flake. That’s not really then case anymore. The flaking is a by-product of the online dating process as a whole, largely due in part to the explosion of dating apps. If someone is on Match, they’re probably on Tinder (or Bumble, or Coffee Meets Bagel, or whatever and whatnot.) I don’t think anybody strictly utilizes traditional online dating as a means to meet. They use traditional online dating as well as an app or three.

As I mentioned last week, I think OKCupid is now the new Plenty of Fish. It’s where people who don’t have luck with the apps go because the fleshed out profile gives them an edge. (That’s a kind way of saying they’re boring and unattractive.) The bottom line is that unless you are considered reasonable conventionally attractive, apps just aren’t going to work well for you.

Tinder is the new OKCupid.I don’t know what the hell happened in just a few months, but the quality of the men on Tinder has dipped to an alarming degree. But then, I’m searching for men over 40, and that might have something to do with it. Real talk: a lot of people – men and women – don’t take good care of themselves. It’s a dog eat dog world on these apps; if you aren’t making a concerted effort to look good, you’re going to get left behind. I have no problem with a head of grey hair or wrinkles or even bags – aging happens to all of us – but I’m not down with men who look slovenly and unhealthy. If the best a guy can do is slap some pic of them up there where they’re wearing some unflattering sweatshirt and a hat and look like they haven’t slept in a week, then I’m not going to bother. It’s amazing to me what some men and women think they can get away with and how some of them don’t even try to look half-way decent. If that first pic is obstructed in any way or is not flattering, I won’t even bother swiping through to see the rest. People who don’t understand how people think or how these apps work are their own worst enemy.

I don’t agree that Tinder skews much younger, as I always have new matches available, and I’m 47 looking for men 42-57. If you’re a woman under 35, Tinder should not be a problem in terms of possible matches. Where it does become a chore is where EVERY online dating app and platform becomes a chore: the flake factor. In one week I’ve received 3 matches from Bumble. I’ve contacted all 3. No response. People aren’t discerning in their swipes. They’re just swiping right or left based on that initial photo and little else. It’s only after a match is made are they taking a closer look.

The other problem is, as we just saw the other day, women under 30 and men over 35 are inundated with possible options and often become greedy. At any given time the person you’re dating is likely dating at least 1 or 2 other people. That phenomenon is making people more apprehensive about making any long-term decisions.

I do think Tinder has become more “hook-up” minded, but then, I think that’s the direction dating has gone as well. People just aren’t committing very quickly if at all.

My suggestion is to sign up for every popular platform, make informed swipes/choices, and follow up with every person with whom you match. Don’t sit around and wait for them to contact you. That’s where so many people screw up. They hang back and wait to see if their match will reach out first. Buh bye, match! They’re already on to the next person. I’m tempted to say to avoid OKCupid all together, but there are still a few decent people on there that are making a concerted effort.

The problem isn’t the platform themselves. The problem is how users have been conditioned because of the platforms. You’ll probably encounter the same flakes and idiots offline as you do online. People are just flakier now because of all the options and because of how easy it is to connect with people. There’s literally no window of opportunity anymore. Either respond immediately or you’ll be left in the dust.  Now that all anybody needs is a photo and a Facebook page, people aren’t really willing to invest more of an effort into putting their best foot forward. Profile text is a nice add-on, but it doesn’t really improve your chances of getting dates. Hell, most people don’t even write a 100 word bio anymore. That’s how little people have to go on these days, and they’re growing accustomed to that change. Have a great – not good, great – primary photo, write a witty bio that includes where you live specifically, what you do, your height, and some interests, and you’re golden.


In other news:

I’m starting 150 mg of Wellbutrin XL tomorrow. I’m weirdly excited about this new phase. I really liked the psychiatrist/MD that I met with and felt very comfortable with her. Out of all the doctors I interviewed with, she felt like the best fit because she takes a very conservative approach to medication.

Before I met with her, I did my research about dysthymia and Wellbutrin, so I was pleased when the doctor and I seemed to be on the same page about what medication might be the best fit. I’m a little nervous about the possible side-effects, though. And I’m definitely concerned that taking the Wellbutrin might interfere with my writing. But…I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and see if it works.



Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)


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19 Responses to “Should She Bother With OKCupid & Tinder?”

  1. CoolDude Says:

    So here’s the blunt truth for women in their 20’s on dating apps. If you are at least a 4 on the looks scale you’ll be getting a TON of messages, matches, etc. Most dudes tend to ignore your disclaimers and what you’re looking for so be prepared for that. Listing interests is probably the best way to determine matches.

  2. The D-man Says:

    Good luck with the Wellbutrin!

  3. Katie Says:

    I agree a lot with what Moxie says. Personally, after doing the paid sites and the free sites, I think the free sites are where things are nowadays, especially if you are in your late 20s/early 30s. I feel like I’ve had much better luck finding guys my own age and that I’m interested in on free apps/sites as opposed to the conventional ones (namely, Match). Personally I think it’s the cost (why pay to find people when you can find them equally well for free?) but I’m sure there’s a ton of other reasons too. I guess the only thing I can say is that it truly depends on what you are looking for, and how much effort you put into finding it. I have friends that have found their significant others or boyfriends through all the sites – match, tinder, ok cupid, coffeemeetsbagel (?), etc – and others who did the old fashioned way by meeting in a bar. You can find good ones on Tinder, you can find bad ones on Match and vice versa.

    That being said, I somewhat disagree about OKCupid. At least where I am, I have met a lot of really nice, funny guys on the site that aren’t looking for a one night stand or are horribly awkward people. The guy I’m dating now I met on the site and I think he’s great. But as with all of these sites, it involves some weeding through the bad ones, or the ones just looking for a hook up, etc, because I have also encountered some of them as well. And I’ve definately encountered some of the lazy ones Moxie talks about (with no pictures or very little text, etc).

  4. BTownGirl Says:

    A few years ago, my doctor put me Wellbutrin to quit smoking (it helped a lot and it has the added benefit of making weight gain less likely – worth a try for any of y’all who are trying to quit) and the only thing I noticed was at first I felt a little more fidgety and sometimes a little hot/sweaty. Granted, I’m the type of person that can’t talk on the phone while standing in place and the DVR was invented for me, because I can’t sit for two hours straight without stopping twice to reorganize my sock drawer haha! All in all, I didn’t have any real problems. Hope it helps!!

  5. Robyn Says:

    I put on weight like crazy when I was on Celexa & struggled to drop the weight even with improved diet & exercise etc.
    Switched to Wellbutrin XL & found it to be a huge improvement.
    But the 3-4 week period of weaning off the one & ramping up on the other was rough (and having just gone thru postponing my wedding & almost breaking it off completely my then fiance didn’t help things either!).

    • SS Says:

      I know we are not supposed to share our personal stories here but I had the same experience on Celexa. In my experience at least 80% of them cause weight gain. Hope things improve for you.

  6. PGH Gal Says:

    Spot on about the change in online dating and sites and such.

    Best of luck with Wellbutrin. I’m proud of you for fighting for what will give you your best life!

  7. KK Says:

    Thanks so much. The messaging thing is a bit unnerving, as last time I used OKC, messaging guys first did not work. Then again, it sounds like online dating apps have gotten even more competitive.

  8. Rocky Says:

    I was on tinder for about 6 weeks. I got off mainly because so many people would agree to dates and then cancel them, often the day of the date. I found it way too stressful. it got to the point where I wondered if this sort of catch-and-release was the new cat fishing.

    So I do not recommend tinder. People on match will flake too but in my experience it is less common.

    • Dave Says:

      I had a similar experience….Tinder was pretty much flake town. But I think I’m a little too boring for that medium. ;)

  9. Tinderoni Toni Says:

    I agree with Moxie on most of these points, but I truly believe that the freer the platform, the greater the number of flakes. However, with the paying apps the flakes might be fewer, but so are the matches in my experience.

    Here is the run-down from a good-looking (although divorced), successful male, 39. My pics are the same across all apps, but I have a different bio on each.

    OkCupid – I’ve had next to zero luck on here. It’s almost like this application has turned into Facebook. I see the same profiles I saw 8-12 months ago, and in my area women treat their profiles more like art projects than ads. Horrible response rate, totally hasn’t been worth the effort.

    Match – Everyone you don’t want to date wants to date you. No one you’re interested in wants to date you. I might have had one mutual match in 8 months. The only successful date was a women who messaged me and had no profile pic.

    Bumble – A beauty pageant after party, and I’m not invited. A healthy number of matches, maybe 25% actually message, the ones that message mostly ghost, one successful date. I truly think this is [largely] an app to stroke women’s ego.

    Tinder – Killing it, so much so that I have to keep discovery mostly turned off. All dates have turned out well, either ending in friendship or regular dates.

    Zoosk – Just like OKC, except completely useless if you don’t pay. Not sure how they’re in business.

    In summary, I could delete all of the other apps, just use Tinder, and have more than enough dates. Although, if Tinder is a hook-up app I must be doing something horribly wrong. None of the women I message with or go out with have been anything resembling easy (or hook-up happy). Maybe it’s my age and the type of women I swipe?

    Hope this helps.

    • Goldie Says:

      Haven’t been back in the online dating world since early 2014 myself, but will probably need to go back later this year. It saddens me that OKC is on its way out. That was the one site where, when I first tried it in 2011, I felt I was being appreciated as a potential date based on what I had to say, as opposed to just how I looked. Then again, when I went back there in late 13 – early 14, all the same people from 2011 were on it. Hardly any new people. A lot of the guys I’d seen on match in 2011 had moved to OKC as well, which I wasn’t happy about, as match and I weren’t a good fit for one another. So it was already going downhill two years ago. Probably a lot more so now.

      That said, someone has shared with me a strategy they use to improve the quality of their OKC matches, and I’m sharing that here, in case it might be of help to anyone.

      “Answer as few questions as you can, and then only those where you care a lot about what the other person has answered (and obviously then resist answering questions just to find out what another person said). That way the match percentage is based on what you are looking for, so it’s easier to discriminate, and you don’t end up with a high overall percentage match where the few percentage points where you don’t match are those that are very important to you.”

  10. Glazer Says:

    That Wellbutrin XL? Wow. My libido went through the roof and I was much more…uninhibited.

    Too much mania. I stopped. Hopefully you get better results.

    Yeah, sadly, dating has become a hook up culture. All too often I find myself wondering why I’m negotiating monogamy after having sex a few times.


    Assuming you’re in a committed thingy is foolish these days.

    Sex is often just a formality for some folks.

    Sad but true.

    No bf/gf label for you mister! Shag? Sure…

  11. AnnieNonymous Says:

    If OP is considering Tinder, she needs to jump on it now, especially if she’s from a smaller area/dating pool. My number of matches went down dramatically when I turned 31; I had aged into a bracket that’s beyond the “25-30″ cutoff that a lot of guys my age seem to have, at least in my region.

  12. SS Says:

    Wellbutrin is my fave of all the drugs I have ever taken. For me it had zero side effects and only positive effects: energy, positivity…

    Try it. If you like it, fine. If you don’t, fine. It doesn’t have to be permanent either way.

    Anyway, agree with everything you said above.

  13. TL Says:

    I’m a single guy in my upper 30’s. OKCupid is DEAD these days. No one checks their email anymore.

    Tinder, on the other hand, is going well for me. I do have tons of options on there. What some women don’t seem to understand is that if *you* like a guy, *other* women also like a guy. I’m not saying you have to throw yourself at him, but you need to stand out. If your profile has no words in it, the most effort I’ll put in is, “Hey, how are you doing?” If you actually wrote something, I’ll try to think of a relevant opener.

    The following are deal breakers for me:

    – Women who want me to pay for the privilege of entertaining them. “Buy me a drink and make me laugh.” Nope. Swipe left.
    – Women who lead with a ‘funny’ photo. No, that picture of you in a clown costume at your niece’s birthday party isn’t flattering. Swipe left.
    – Height requirements. “I’m 5’7″ so you should be 5’9″ or taller”. I’m 5’11” and I’m swiping left.
    – 3 group photos in a row that make me guess which one you are. You’re probably the least attractive one. Swipe left.
    – Pictures of kids. You’re on thin ice with this one. I wonder how many people in America know that their kid is in Auntie Jenny’s Tinder profile?

    • Timothy Horrigan Says:

      Something I see a lot on Tinder which seems incongruous are comments about “not looking for a hookup” or “no one night stands”– as well as comments about seriousness, monogamy, LTRs, etc. Tinder was created as a venue where people could meet casually for spontaneous companionship (or failing that, exchanging flirty text messages), choosing each other on the basis of how sexy they looked in the pictures. It started out as heterosexual version of Grindr. It isn’t eHarmony.

      • Bree Says:

        I’m not so sure that was the purpose of Tinder when it was first developed. But it’s certainly how most straight males insist on using it.

        For that reason I don’t bother with Tinder anymore. I got sick of the question “so what are you looking for on here?” which is code for “please tell me you’re using this app for casual sex or don’t waste any more of my time, bitch.”

        If Tinder truly was the hookup app men so desperately want it to be, they wouldn’t be asking that insipid question.

      • Dalia May Says:

        Yea, I’m going to go with Bree on this one. At one point OkCupid was a serious dating site where men would send thoughtful messages or responses that regularly led to dates. Now, all I get are messages about my body or requests for b*tt sex.

        Tinder is just the app version of OkCupid now. What once was a neat way to meet someone for dating has become the device men use to seek sex.

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