Stop Relying On Men For Security

older

Name: Sharon
:
Question: I am a 55 year old woman dating a never married 62 year old man.  We met on match four years ago and have been dating ever since.  He has a grown son. I have two children in college.

Since we began dating, I have learned that this “divorced” man has never been married. His few past girlfriends have turned into a string of 25 girlfriends in the past twenty years alone!! He proposed  marriage to me and since that time has not inched towards getting married.

I think I was duped.  Dating at my age is very challenging. While he is a nice man and we get on well, he seems to have this relationship pigeon holed to be a glorified dating scenario and nothing more.  We do not live together and have a very specified dating schedule – one that he set up.

Sharon
Age: 55

 

Okay, so it sounds like you’ve figured out that this relationship is a dead end. The only thing left to do is get out of it. You don’t live together, which means you probably don’t have any shared property or finances. You don’t have kids together. So…leave. Yes, it means you’ll be back in the dating pool at 55, but which would you rather be doing: hanging out with a man who has no intention of committing to you or swiping left and right on Tinder?

You shouldn’t ever stay in a relationship because you think dating would be too much of a challenge. That’s not a valid reason to maintain the facade. It doesn’t even sound like he makes you all that happy. You just seem to be going along with this charade because it’s better than being alone.

It’s not.

You’re clearly compromising quite a bit just to be in a relationship. Don’t do that. You’re going to look back at this time in your life and have regrets, and you don’t want that. So what if you’re alone? Why is that a bad thing? Just because you’re not 25 doesn’t mean you’ll never find anyone again. I encounter men in their 50’s and 60’s on dating apps all. the. time. They’re out there. Go find one of them. Or don’t. Just don’t stay in an unfulfilling situation just because you fear being alone. There’s freedom in that alone-ness. If you’re thinking this guy will take care of you or provide some sort of security, stop that. He won’t. Know how I know that? Because he hasn’t as of yet. He’s still living on his own. He proposed marriage without even living together before or after? Oh, honey. No. It’s a ruse to keep you in line.

Don’t be another woman who lets a man have his cake and eat it, too.  A lot of men rely on that fear of dying alone that’s been ingrained in us to get us to do what they want. Show this guy that he can’t do that. And stop being afraid. You’re going to be okay. I promise.  You still have so much living to do. Do not waste that precious time on a man who refuses to give you what he knows you want. Because he does know. Big deal. He offered to marry you “someday.”  That means nothing without actions to back it up.

Leave him.

 

Thoughts?

AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

GOT A DATING QUESTION? NEED TO VENT?

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
, , ,

65 Responses to “Stop Relying On Men For Security”

  1. Timothy Horrigan Says:

    He definitely doesn’t really want to be married to you. And probably not to anyone else. (Although he may have one or more other girlfriends.)

    I would recommend go out and date some other guys. We’re pretty easy to catch, even if we don’t do what you want us to do once we’re caught.

    I am surprised this started at all on match.com. If I did the math right,y ou were 51 and he was 58. In my experience 51 year old women on match.com and the like are looking for men in their 40s, or even in their late 30s. I met someone extraordinarily special– and 2 or 3 others who were merely very special— when I was 58 But all those women were in their 60s. The odds of getting any positive response at all from someone as young as 51 would have been almost zero. Almost zero for me, I mean— but I live in very outer suburbia and I am 5 foot 6. A taller and more conveniently located man with otherwise similar characteristics would have had more choices, I am sure.

    I am wondering: how tall is this guy and who made the first contact and how did things get started?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 20

    Reply

    • coffeestop Says:

      I am 52 and I have a date with a guy this week who is 60. Why the hell would I want to date somebody in their late 30’s, what planet are you on? I think you are wigging out about your height too much. I don’t care about height, I am in decent shape so I would much rather date an active, fit, shorter man, than some tall out of shape one. One advantage I have at 5’2 is pretty much every man is taller than me so height never came into play. When I was in my 20’s I dated a guy my height, he was a serious kick boxer he did fine with women. I will bet money your issue is a negative attitude, not being 5’6.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 30 Thumb down 5

      Reply

  2. Thadeus Says:

    Thing is, this guy will easily fond someone to have fun with while this gal will be eating her Ben & Jerry’s with her cats, Bella & Luna.

    She’s the lonely one. He’s happier then a pig in sh!t

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 42

    Reply

    • fuzzilla Says:

      **She’s the lonely one. He’s happier then a pig in sh!t**

      Thing is, this describes the situation as it stands today, so what’s the benefit to her to stay?

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 3

      Reply

    • Goldie Says:

      1) She’s not the lonely one. She has a family, remember? Two grown children?

      2) Yes, she might end up eating her Ben & Jerry’s, or kale, or curry, or whatever her heart desires, with her pet cats, or rats, or mini-pigs, or dogs, or with her girlfriends. So what? You say it like it’s a bad thing to have your own life, that doesn’t revolve around a random dude from match and a very specified dating schedule that he set up. This guy sounds like single life is a definite improvement over spending the rest of her life with him (that is, if he doesn’t run off tomorrow in search of girlfriend #26.)

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 48 Thumb down 2

      Reply

    • ? Says:

      Errrrrrr. No. Men in their 60s don’t have much SMV left, unless they are very very rich or very very ripped/youthful looking. If they are everyday blokes, their chances of getting women under 50 is pretty much zero.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 3

      Reply

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        You’re completely, utterly wrong. Jesus, I cringe reading some of these comments. so much gets said and so little of it has any value.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 4

        Reply

  3. Thadeus Says:

    IMHO, after 45? If you really want a cohabiting relationship, then you should only need a year of steady exclusive dating to flesh that out.

    I mean, really, after a year? You both should know by then if you’re lives would be better off and simpler by cohabiting or not.

    More then a year or 2 MAX and still dating? You’re spinning your wheels in some half baked situation.

    Life is too short at that age to waste 4 years.

    Sadly, the one that cares the least wins and this woman wasted 4 precious years on a guy that has been having his gravy fed to him.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 5

    Reply

    • fuzzilla Says:

      OK. Just saying, your previous comment came across as, “Ha ha, she’s so screwed. If she leaves him, he’ll be knee deep in hot babes and she’ll be some sad lady eating ice cream alone with her cats, so she might as well stay and take what she can get.”

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 5

      Reply

  4. alan Says:

    this short question leaves quite a bit of information out but Moxie’s advice is probably right anyway. My questions: why ought parties like these get married? Why did this guy propose? Any pressure? Any discussion of the goals of getting married or the timing? If they can afford it why should these sorts of parties necessarily live together? What sort of father is the guy? How is OP’s relation to her former spouse particularly if they have two children in college? Why conclude the relationship is a dead end even if marriage makes no sense to one of the parties. And except for the self-imposed hypothesis that OP is being “duped” what other reasons is this relationship unsatisfactory? After all how did you learn that he had a lot of short term relationships historically–did he not tell you upon being pressed?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 6

    Reply

    • fuzzilla Says:

      Why isn’t her own dissatisfaction a good enough reason to leave?

      I think she feels “duped” because she wants a long term partnership and he claimed to want the same thing, but all they have after all this time is a long-term fuckbuddy situation in which their lives are distinctly separate.

      People don’t want serious commitments just for money and things and status, they want a partner who has their back.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 28 Thumb down 2

      Reply

      • So Says:

        I’m not sure if marriage is the only way to prove love and commitment. As most marriage did end pretty dead…

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 9

        Reply

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Lol at the questions. If people cnsidered questions like these and answered them truthfully, no one would ever get married. Just stick with “she doesn’t want to die alone.” Who cares if it makes no sense.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 6

      Reply

    • Goldie Says:

      “And except for the self-imposed hypothesis that OP is being “duped” what other reasons is this relationship unsatisfactory?” Personally, just being tied to a “a very specified dating schedule – one that he set up” for 4 years would drive me up the wall. This means OP has to schedule everything in her life around that guy. When I was married, it was perfectly normal for the husband or myself to say to each other “I’m going on a fishing trip next weekend” or “I’m going out with my girlfriends tomorrow night, see you later.” OP, on the other hand, has to plan around this guy’s dating schedule.

      I had a somewhat similar situation in my last relationship, and it is extremely tiring and hard on one’s family and friendships. The difference with us was that, we had an out-of-the-ordinary situation, where he started a new business and things were going to get hectic for a while and then calm down over time; we had both discussed and agreed that ultimately we both wanted a life-partner, living-together arrangement; and we both knew that the weekend dating situation was not sustainable – after a certain period of time, we’d have to either move in together, or split up. Got to know each other better, realized we didn’t have enough of a connection to live together, so we split up. I’d have gone batty if I had to carry on with these weekend-visits thing for a long (or, heaven forbid, indefinite) period of time. Especially with the other person having all the control of the schedule, as OP says it is in her case.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • Melissa Says:

      The guy “proposed” as a way to string her along. Guys like that know how to do that and unfortunately some women fall for it.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  5. coffeestop Says:

    So, I am going to 52 in a month or so. I think this guy has had a pattern in his past relationships of proposing or promising marriage to partners to lock them down and get them to conform to his dating expectations which is exactly what you are doing. He knows many women want marriage and monogamy so he is dangling the promise.
    In his mind he is not duping you OP simply offering verbally what he thinks you want in order to get what he wants.

    I have to say I do not know if I want to get married again, I think if I met the right person I might. At the same time I am keeping my expecations low on that one. The act of getting married is not that hard, you can go to the courthouse so he does not want to get married but does not want to tell you because he has a degree of comfort. I would find the whole dating schedule thing annoying.

    But reality check, you are 55, if you want to get married again he is not the guy and even if you did not want to get married again is this really the relationship you want? You have been doing this for four years and you don’t sound happy. So my question is why would you stay in a relationship where you are not happy? Whether I get married again or do not get married again, I only want to be with people I feel happy and contented with. Especially as we age, fuck life is too short to be doing things we don’t want to do. Cut yourself loose, yah there are no guarantees that there is another man out there. I think you are afraid if you end it with him he is going to meet somebody else and fall madly in love or marry her or you won’t meet anybody and yah all of those can happen. If you are not ready to let him go why start dating other men? But do something different from what you are doing because otherwise it will be another four years and you will be asking the same questions and experiencing the same turmoil.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 1

    Reply

  6. freddy Says:

    So, aside from living together, does the relationship make you happy? If the answer is no, then leave, ( not sure if i sensed underlying resentment about the whole “his schedule” thing). If it does makes you happy, then see if there’s a middle ground, (staying over more often…say for a few days…Thurs-tues?). You may even grow to like having your own place to retreat to after spending more time together lol…or you may both realize it makes sense to move in together.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  7. KK Says:

    If you are unhappy in this relationship then get out. Just make sure the relationship makes you unhappy not just him never marrying you. If you are happy in the relationship otherwise then think about it.

    I think it is better to be single than in an unhappy relationship. And you are not gonna die alone. You have kids. I never get this – if two people are in a relationship one of them will die without the other.

    Keep this in mind. The men you date most likely wont want to marry you. Not that they wont be committed but in terms of protecting assets for their children. Also. You’ll probably be dating guys in their 70s. Men in their 60s can date women in their 40s. And they will.

    I realize this sounds like i am now trying to scare you. I am not. I just know my mother was not prepared for the dating market when she became single. She was a lot happier single. But entering a relationship was harder than expected. If that makes sense

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 13

    Reply

    • sandra Says:

      OMG, another one telling women in their 50`s they are only attractive to men in thier 701s! I have never known a single attractive woman in her 40s who wanted to date a man in his 60s. Never. Only the ones on the desperate end of the spectrum ( low on looks, low income, etc). Few men in this age group want to marry, this is true. But not impossible and no reason to stay with a man who is giving her so little.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 2

      Reply

      • Goldie Says:

        I divorced at 42, so all my recent dating has been in my 40s. Yes I was approached or messaged by guys in their 60s. Usually the wealthy (or claiming to be wealthy) ones who thought money could buy them a girlfriend young enough to be their daughter. It can’t. I, too, cannot think of any woman I know in their 40s who ended up dating a guy in his 60s. Or even of any guy in his 40s in my social circle that dated a woman in her 20s. FWIW, the oldest man I’ve ever dated was six years my senior. Everyone else was my age, a few years younger actually. Not because I’m so awesome and stuff, but because these men were all looking for someone more or less in their age group. Believe it or not, a lot of the guys are looking for someone they can relate to, someone to come home to, and have a conversation with. They are not looking for someone half their age. Yes, there are older men looking for arm candy, but I’m pretty sure OP would not want a relationship with one.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 3

        Reply

    • coffeestop Says:

      Guys in their 60’s can date women in their 40s if they have movie star looks or a ton of disposable income and that does happen all the time. Ordinary guys in their 60’s are not dating 20 years younger, of course they think they can and those are the same guys who are whining about not being able to find anybody. People are super unrealistic about themselves. I am ordinary so I assume that is who I should be looking for average but with qualities or inclined in ways I like.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 3

      Reply

  8. Susan Says:

    55 is not so old, I’m 69 and still dating
    though I’ve been in those no commitment relationships.
    I was living with someone for two years but saw he
    was trolling the dating sites and had even gone on
    dates so after several confrontations I left, he
    is still texting me 3 years later, saying he never loved anyone
    else, he s 25 years younger. He had proposed and gave me
    a ring, but no date had been set.
    At present I have a roommate who is 20 years younger, I keep
    stressing these age differences because the younger guys seem
    to be the only ones interested..He has been living here for two
    years and the past year we started sleeping together, its casual
    sex on his part, but my fantasy was that it would turn into a
    commitment, he has a 15 year old son that he dotes on, not living
    with him, and was recently divorced….I know this isn’t going
    anywhere and he doesn’t even promise that, so I’ve started dating
    again, though its difficult with having my roommate here..can’t
    bring dates to the house.

    So the question of whether its better to be alone than in a dead end relationship? I have friends who haven’t dated in years who don’t seem to be happy, I enjoy going on dates, and even having sex
    I was married for 35 years and am now a widow for 10, with two
    grown children. Do I need to be remarried? I don’t know?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 9

    Reply

    • alan Says:

      for the life of me I simply do not understand all the thumbs down on your personal story and what I presume is an honest question.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2

      Reply

      • SS Says:

        I neither upvoted nor downvoted the post, but the situation described sounds eerily similar to someone who has sent in letters a few times but does not seem to want to hear what people are saying to her. I wonder if that’s the reason?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

        Reply

  9. Penelope Says:

    Based on what you’re saying, I’d say try and find the strength to get out if you can. My situation is very similar to yours; I’m 53 and he’s 58. I’m only into my ‘relationship’ 1.5 years at this point though. The difference is I want to leave, but I’m afraid of hurting him and finding it very difficult to pull the trigger. No doubt he’ll be onto someone quickly, and I know I’d be happier on my own, (and not afraid to be alone), so I’m not sure why I continue torture myself about leaving. We should both ‘just do it’. :)

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

    Reply

  10. Schedules Says:

    “…a very specified dating schedule – one that he set up.” I think that means he is dating other women while he is dating you. It especially fits considering that he initially lied about himself.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 1

    Reply

    • fuzzilla Says:

      I think you’re right. What a weird thing to lie about. :/

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • Goldie Says:

      You know, I’ve seen this multiple times on here lately when people hear about a man’s busy or rigid schedule and immediately assume that he’s either married, or dating other women on the side. I’m not sure what to think about that. A good friend of mine had his relationship of several months end, because she suspected he had a woman on the side, for no reason other than that he works odd or long hours. Well guess what, he really does work odd and long hours, he really does get called into work on weekends, there was no woman on the side, and he felt pretty insulted at being told that there was. It’s perfectly okay to tell the person you’re dating that his or her schedule doesn’t work out for you, you don’t see them enough, you feel like you have to build your whole life around their schedule and you don’t like it etc. All perfectly valid reasons to end a relationship and start seeing other people. “You must be seeing a woman on the side” strikes me as a tad bit paranoid. Someone who, for example, just had to work a 100 hour week, won’t take kindly to this kind of an accusation. He’s stressed out enough as it is, he just worked a 100 hour week for crying out loud.

      Weird, though, that I’ve never seen this assumption made about a woman who works long/irregular hours or otherwise has a busy schedule. Yay for double standards working in our favor for once?…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

      Reply

      • fuzzilla Says:

        But I’d think if the guy worked weird hours the OP would’ve just said so. “A very specified dating schedule, that he set up” sounds suspicious. It isn’t 100% proof of cheating, no, but sounds kinda off.

        I’d think nothing of it if a guy I’m dating goes on an occasional trip or has a poker night with his bros or whatever – y’know, just generally has a life outside of me. If he told me I was FORBIDDEN from contacting him every Tuesday through Thursday or whatever, I’d…feel rather suspicious and turned off. I’d certainly question how available he was and how serious he was about me.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

        Reply

      • Abby Says:

        I agree that odd or long hours isn’t code for married, etc. immediately jumping to conclusions about that here recently has jumped out at me as well. I see I’m not the only one that noticed.
        Regarding the OP, I took the “specified schedule” comment differently. This guy is older, nearing or possibly in retirement. Watching my folks and their friends, I find that they’ve fallen into strict routines that they do not like to disrupt. Morning rituals, certain nights for getting together, certain nights for staying in. Their senior exercise regimen is rigid as is their waking and sleep schedule. For example, Monday’s and Friday’s my father spends at the ranch, Wednesday is always the auction, Friday night is dominoes, and they absolutely will not leave the house on Saturday nights unless it’s a really special occasion. I think we all get that way as we age.
        I took the comment as he was set in his ways and has a certain schedule by which he lives his life and has devoted certain times for his girlfriend, and that’s it. She can take it or leave it. But I guess I read it that way knowing how the over 55 crowd in my life is like, so I could be wrong.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

        Reply

        • fuzzilla Says:

          I’m in my 40s and I’m the youngest of seven and – Jesus, most 55 and 62-year-olds aren’t living in nursing homes, obsessed with their Thursday bingo games all week.

          Well, whatever his reason is, what if she has a death in the family on a day she’s not scheduled to see him? I mean, WTF? That’s not a partner.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

          Reply

          • Abby Says:

            I don’t disagree with you at all. But the fact is, 62 is around retirement age, and whether he still works or not many people start living their lives this way, especially when their children are grown an moved on.
            Btw-my dad is 77-and we like his predictable routine. We’d know to be concerned if he started really deviating from it.
            But this behavior started much earlier-late 50s as I’m thinking back.
            Regardless, that’s the image I got when she used the phrase “specified schedule”. I just picture a silver fox looking at his datebook blocking out girlfriend time on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Right after golf at the club.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

            Reply

  11. Thadeus Says:

    I gotta feeling she’ll enjoy what she can get now instead of the uncertainty of being alone.

    There both getting something out of this.

    If she waits long enough, he’ll pass away with a smile on his face and she’ll be back in the dating pool at 70.

    YMMV

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 16

    Reply

  12. Yvonne Says:

    At first, I found it odd that Sharon wrote in. I wasn’t really sure what she was expecting Moxie to say. Perhaps just looking for validation to leave? But I realized that after being in a relationship for 4 years, the idea of “sunk costs” comes into play. Yes, they are not married even after he proposed, but it sounds like he is also very controlling about the relationship schedule and about the time commitment he is willing to make to her.

    If dating him isn’t satisfying, being married to him would be infinitely worse. If you feel like the relationship isn’t moving forward as planned, that’s a very good reason to leave. At my age, it’s important for me to be with people who love me and bring joy into my life. It’s less of a problem for me to walk away from anyone who doesn’t now than it was when I was younger. Life is short – why waste more time?

    I’m around the OP’s age, and and while dating is definitely challenging, being with the wrong person is always worse. Most of the men I date are around my age or younger, and a few who are a decade or so younger have expressed strong interest in dating exclusively. I think this is partly because there are just more younger available men out there, but also because not everyone is hung up on age if they like you and find you attractive. In any case, you don’t need to stay in an unsatisfying relationship just because dating is hard. I’ve had women 20 years younger tell me that dating is really hard too.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  13. bbdawg Says:

    Is it SUCH a bad thing to want to someone who will take care of you and vice-versa in your old age? I mean that’s the OP’s point. oh wait, in the male imagination they never age, there is always a 25-year old around the corner who will like you for who you are when you’re 82. Because young women just LOVE to be objectified by old dudes.

    The entire POINT of dating – to me anyway – is finding a companion, a partner. Someone who will be there for you through the good and the bad. A half-ass person isn’t really worth it. We have evolved to the point where “options” are more valuable than actual people.

    This woman already has kids and friends. She doesn’t need this. OP if I were in your position I’d just TELL him nicely, you’ve enjoyed his “friendship” or whatever but you’re looking for a partner in life, not just someone who goes on “dates” with you, and since he’s not into that you’re better off sticking to your friends and being open to meeting someone who wants what you want.

    Now reading some of these comments I wonder if people REALLY are as shallow as they appear to be.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 2

    Reply

  14. Thadeus Says:

    Listen to Moxie ladies.

    Stop looking for security (aka homeowners) to cohab with.

    Trying to short cut the process by focusing on homeowners is perilous.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 20

    Reply

  15. ? Says:

    Honestly. Why or why would any woman in her 50s want to marry ? Especially if they have been married before, and have completed their families ? If you are getting the companionship and emotional support you are getting, why would a piece of paper matter so much ? Unless you are hoping for a slice of his assets when he dies ?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 13

    Reply

    • Goldie Says:

      Actually, IMO, the older we get, the more reasons to remarry if the person really is your life partner. Being the first person to get a call from a hospital if something happens to your partner. Being able to visit each other in the hospital/nursing home/hospice, possibly outside of visiting hours – or being allowed to stay there all day. End-of-life decisions. And so on. Basically being able to take care of each other in the worst case scenario. I’m not saying that OP is necessarily looking for any of that. But personally, this did cross my mind, especially after watching my mom go through this with dad. I pretty much went from “oh hell no, I will NEVER remarry” to “this might actually make sense at some point.”

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 3

      Reply

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        You do realize that most people make end of life decisions well before the end of their life, right? Somehow that single woman manages to decide whether or not she wants to be resuscitated or cremated all on her own. Oh, and guess what? If you’re in hospice, you probably won’t even know if someone is there visiting you.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 10

        Reply

        • Goldie Says:

          Moxie,

          I apologize if I came across as disrespecting single women, of which I happen to be one. That was not my intention. I was answering ?’s question about why someone who’s older would want to marry a life partner that they already have, other than for their inheritance. To quote, “If you are getting the companionship and emotional support you are getting, why would a piece of paper matter so much?” In no way did I imply that everyone needs to go out right now and find a husband/wife so they can have someone to visit them or pull the plug.

          My dad did very well know that we were visiting him in hospice, and that mom stayed there with him from morning until night. But I do agree that this isn’t true of everyone.

          Thank you.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

          Reply

    • bbdawg Says:

      If you read the letter you’ll see that he does NOT give her any companionship, it’s just going on dates when it suits him.

      “While he is a nice man and we get on well, he seems to have this relationship pigeon holed to be a glorified dating scenario and nothing more. We do not live together and have a very specified dating schedule – one that he set up.”

      The description she uses makes it sound as if this isn’t really all that appealing to her anyway. Calling someone “a nice man and we get on well” is sort of what I could say about someone sitting near me at work or whatever. It’s impersonal and there is no real intimacy here.

      It sounds like he is one of these dudes who is “set in his ways” and not particularly appealing to her anyway. This is why so many women in the OP’s age group avoid dating men who have never been married. That alone is a red flag if you’re looking for companionship, since women will stick around IF they believe there is a “future” down the line.

      Commitment is an interesting word not just in terms of romantic relationships. A person who has never really “committed” has given signals that they have never truly considered the needs of another person or taken serious emotional risks.

      I see my mother and my stepdad – retired academics – who met in their 50s and how they help each other through their doctor appointments and lectures and books they write. They married 15 years ago and take care of each other. It just helps to have someone around who cares with whom you have an intellectual connection and shared interests.

      Otherwise you’re better off hanging out with your friends.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

      Reply

  16. Eliza Says:

    From what I read, it does seem that the OP is blinded by the idea of being single and dealing with the singles scene at 55…and hey, I don’t blame you, it’s not easy dating – actually at any age…and actually more removed and impersonal trying to date online…in my opinion. But that should not be the reason motivating you to stay in a situation where you do not feel fulfilled. And yes, if your needs are not met and you define them by “commitment”, and this man’s ability and interest to commit to you by either moving in, and eventually getting married…it’s best to end things now. Time is precious to be on some waiting list. Two people need to be on the same page. Whether it involves just co-habituating or taking that leap of faith into marriage. And by the way–you can be living with someone and even married…and feel extremely lonely, and being single and “alone”, yet not lonely if you have a great support system, like friends and family. Clearly, you were fine taking care of yourself–before this man entered your world. So-yes, Moxie is right–when she states, you will be just fine. Initially, you will mourn the loss of “having that someone” physically there…but emotionally, you are now feeling a void. Move on.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  17. Nia Says:

    I think there’s a couple key points here that the OP should ask herself to get clear on what the next steps are.

    Is the relationship as it is now even worth staying in or trying to push to the next level?
    If things stayed exactly the same as they were now and you knew they were never going to change, how long would you stay? A year? A month? A week? The answer may illuminate some things. This guy hasn’t changed for you in 4 years and for any woman in his whole dating life. He’s unlikely to change at this late stage in the game. You may need to find a way to accept this set up as “as good as it gets” if you want to be with him…but do you?

    Let’s say you approach him about marriage. What is marriage to you? Why marriage and not a long term live in partnership? I can’t answer that for you, but if you can come up with an answer that’s about him (for example “I want to share my life with this person and build a “new family” with him) and not just the benefits of marriage as a whole (security, tax breaks, medical rights, etc) then I would say create a vision of your future with him. Sit him down and talk about the life you imagine in positive terms: the trips you’ll take, the memories, sharing your relationship with family and friends. The daily routines and intimacies that will weave a tapestry of life together. Make it about BOTH of you, your future *together*, not just “put a ring on it or I’m out of here” (not that you would say that!)

    Some people have been a tad harsh saying that if you leave this guy, he’ll just be on the dating scene having a blast and you’ll be sorry, so better leave him now while you still have some pull (ugh, don’t agree for the record). Politely I submit they are misguided.

    Love and relationships, even those that don’t work out or seem to really go anywhere are *not* a waste of time. At best, they provide you with wonderful memories and happiness, lessons learned, and insight into yourself. At worst, you learn more about yourself and what you do and don’t want.

    Also, what this guy will or won’t be doing if/when you leave is not a factor in your decision. So he’s on to the next woman who “gets” to be on a super rigid dating schedule and wait around for marriage. Woo-hoo.

    It’s your life. You only get to do it once. Make sure it’s intentional, not just slipping through your fingers.
    Best of luck!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

    Reply

    • Dave Says:

      This really resonated with me due to some things going on in my personal life. Nia, this has to be one of the most thoughtful (and kind) comments I’ve ever read on here. Thank you for sharing. :)

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  18. Sarah Says:

    I already know I’m going to sound like an asshole, but … While it’s obvious the guy alluded to marriage to keep OP on the hook — what’s actually the point of getting married in your 50s, anyway? You guys both seem pretty much set. You’ve had kids already. Why do you need to merge assets? Just for the sweet tax break and end-of-life plans? Seriously, why do you want this?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 11

    Reply

    • So Says:

      Exactly. Marriage under this scenario has no necessity, except for financial security. If the two feel happy and commuted, you stay. If not, walk. Why piss about not having engagement and marriage? That’s “relying on men for security” by definition.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 13

      Reply

      • So Says:

        For those who disagree, I’d really like to hear your explanation…

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 7

        Reply

        • ATWYSingle Says:

          Actually, nobody has to explain why they clicked the little thumbs down. That’s the point of an anonymous rating system.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

          Reply

          • So Says:

            If the reasons and logics are all legit, why not say it aloud? It’s not like you’re all using real names here.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 5

            Reply

        • Eliza Says:

          So…this is a blog..nobody is obligation to reply or give you detailed explanations. Respect others’ wishes. Your demeanor is inappropriate So! Everyone is entitled to want what they want, and we all define “commitment” differently.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

          Reply

    • Yvonne Says:

      I love responses that are prefaced by “I already know I’m going to sound like an asshole”, but I’m going to go ahead and sound like one anyway. For some people, having a life partner involves marriage. If it doesn’t for you, fine. If you base this response on someone’s age, perhaps you should re-think your own ageism.

      I say this as someone who is ambivalent about marriage, but I understand its importance for some people. I also understand the disappointment one would feel about having something that important proposed to them and then having that person never follow through.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

      Reply

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        No one here knows the reason the OP wants to get married. What’s wrong with being skeptical when the OP herself hasn’t bothered to try and explain it. Further to the point, it’s unfair to assign blame to the guy here. Maybe she really, really wants to get married really really urgently but her reasons for urgency are not persuasive to him. She’s not entitled to anything. It’s her responsibility to make a case.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 6

        Reply

        • Yvonne Says:

          Don’t know every detail, but he is the one who proposed, not her, and is now dragging his feet. If he didn’t really want to get married, why propose marriage?

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

          Reply

          • So Says:

            Don’t know under what kind of scenario the guy “proposed marriage”, but from the story it is apparent to me the man doesn’t want a marriage and never wanted a marriage. So really, the ball is in OP’s court: what do you do with a man who doesn’t want a marriage.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

            Reply

          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            For someone that places great emphasis on pointless rituals and empty promises, I would think that an engagement should be quite sufficient. What is the substantive difference between “engagement” and “marriage?” Those are just labels (other than tax benefits, etc). That’s the point. This woman has expressed disappointment in the relationship but offered no substance. Why would she even want to commit to a man that does not make her genuinely happy, as her question suggests. Her age is significant because we assume that silly kids get married for stupid reasons but it’s confusing coming from grown ass adults.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

            Reply

            • sandra Says:

              Because perhaps, like many her age, she has entered the dating world after a long marriage that began in her 20s. Men and women in that situation are often as clueless as teenagers when it comes to dating.
              Either way, it its time for the OP to kiss the 67 y.o commitment-phobe bye-bye and get more experience.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

              Reply

        • fuzzilla Says:

          It isn’t clear what exactly her question is; it kinda sounds more like venting.

          In any case, she comes across more like she’s ready to leave than she’s thinking, “Hmm, how do I gently nudge him to go shopping for rings and check out banquet halls, because OMG wedding fever, must be married, marriage is the be-all, end-all…”

          Why she thought she ever wanted to marry this guy in particular is a good question.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

          Reply

          • Parenting Says:

            I can kind of relate not so much on the marriage front as with the general frustration the OP is feeling on being strung along. I went out with a guy who I was super hot for. Fast forward a few dates, I realize he does want to continue dating me but only as a member of his backburner rotation. Yeah. No. My reaction was pretty similar to the OP’s namely disillusionment. She may very well have been head over heels about him at one point.

            I agree that she is just venting and plans to walk.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

            Reply

        • Parenting Says:

          She didnt explain why she wanted a boyfriend either. Should we be skeptical of that too?

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

          Reply

  19. Yvonne Says:

    Are they really engaged? Engagement implies some actual planning of marriage beyond just saying the word, and that doesn’t seem to be happening. Sounds to me like she does want to leave but is hesitant to get back into dating again at her age. The issue about her being too old to marry is coming from some commenters, and that’s a different issue.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

    Reply

    • Sarah Says:

      You’re never too old to marry, but if you make it to your 50s or 60s and haven’t yet — why is it suddenly so urgent? OP seems to be looking for proof of some kind, which to me implies some underlying uncertainty. She’s making this about marriage. It isn’t.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 6

      Reply

Leave a Reply

© 2013-2017 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved