Question: Good Afternoon,
Currently, I am in a relationship with a man older than me, by 16 years. He is 45 and I am 29. Before we first got together (we were acquaintances previously) we had many discussions about what we wanted from relationships- i.e. marriage, children, lifestyles, etc. We have been dating for roughly 5 months now, and up until very recently, things have been going quite well and have been easy. He’s very funny, great looking, affectionate, successful, loves to do things for me, is protective of me, has introduced me to the important people in his life, excluding his family as they live across the country, and makes me feel important to him. Within the past week or two, I’ve noticed my emotions getting a little in the way and my becoming a bit overly critical of his actions. He has seemed to be a bit off kilter (as in, not 100% himself, but like 90-95%)…not QUITE as affectionate, not QUITE as attentive, and not making me feel as if I’m QUITE as important as I did. The change is not much, and no one else would notice, I’m sure, but he currently is having some work stresses put on him, and could potentially get offered a job across the country in DC. Though he says he does not want to live in DC, and that he loves Denver (where we currently are), he has posed several hypothetical situations about having to sell his house, rent his house, etc. Let me blatantly state that never in the hypothetical or real situations has he mentioned me. That being said, he often remarks about our future children, about spending time with each others families, and he jokes about his old age and how I’m allowed to move on when he dies.
I’m not sure where I stand with this man all of sudden, where before, I never had to second guess it. It sounds silly, but I’m sure he’s been close to saying ILY, and it just hasn’t come out of his mouth. He’s said multiple times that he loves having me around, that he loves waking up with me there, that he loves my help around his house, etc. Of course, there are the jokes about the future. I’m not sure if this is the point where I ask him where he sees this going, if I am a part of his future, as I do not want to be just a stepping stone while he’s here trying to make a huge life decision. I also don’t just want to be the girlfriend that he keeps, until he possibly moves, because he doesn’t want to be lonely. I don’t see him as that type of guy, but I never put it past anybody.
Let me know your thoughts.
Five months in is more than enough time invested to ask him where things are headed. Though, by not including you in these decisions he’s possibly going to be faced with, he’s pretty much telling you in and indirect way where you stand. A big reason why men date women significantly younger than they are is so that there won’t be any rush to get down the aisle.
Some people might say you’re being paranoid by these seismic shifts that you’re sensing. I disagree. I think you’re picking up on signs that he’s reconsidering the relationship. Again, the whole point of dating someone so much younger is that things don’t get too serious too quickly. Welp, thanks to developments at his job, you two are closing in on that place where he has to shit or get off the pot. That’s why I think he’s acting differently.
Before we first got together (we were acquaintances previously) we had many discussions about what we wanted from relationships- i.e. marriage, children, lifestyles, etc.
Right. Hypothetical conversations. Not ones where you and he were mapping out your future in any defined way. He’s happy to talk in hypotheticals because hypotheticals aren’t real. When it comes to the tangible stuff, you’re nowhere to be found in the equation. Gurl, no. That’s another reason he’s with you: your age makes you less cynical and more likely to buy his bullshit.
I’m not sure where I stand with this man all of sudden, where before, I never had to second guess it. It sounds silly, but I’m sure he’s been close to saying ILY, and it just hasn’t come out of his mouth. He’s said multiple times that he loves having me around, that he loves waking up with me there, that he loves my help around his house, etc.
Oh, sweetie. No. After five months, he should be saying I Love You. I know some people might say that everybody has their own timeline blah blah blah, but no. Five months? I Love Yous should have been exchanged. That he’s going so far as to say that he “loves” having you around and “loves” waking up to you but can’t quite string those three little words I Love You together is also a big warning sign.
This guy is keeping you on the hook. Want proof? Ask him where he sees this relationship going and explain that you’re looking for long-term commitment. If he only can make abstract promises and can’t offer you anything concrete (like moving in or promises of exclusivity), you have your answer.