Why Does Every Woman He Dates Want Marriage & Kids?

manwatch

Name: UnReal Name
:
Question: G’Day Moxie,

Is baby rabies real; or am I just a gormless, egg-wasting bastard who wants his cake?

I’m a 38yo man who has ended my last three relationships (?!, more than randoms, less than significant others) because they asked for more than I wanted to give.

I’d made it clear that I wasn’t after aisles and ankle-biters, and they’ve said they were good with that…but then they’ve inexorably moved towards the “we would make a great husband-wife/child” talk.

I have a kid (they didn’t), so I’ve gotten that out of my system, and I have never been married, and have no interest.

The first two were (reasonably) cool (in an angry-cry, shouty sort of way) but the last went nuclear.  This was after a sit-down to demand that I ‘step up or else’, to get proper aggressively unhappy when I ‘elsed’.  I didn’t ghost or keep up relations – a simple no thanks and a clean cut for each.

These three women were aged 33-39 and each only lasted 3-7 months.  My mates reckon it’s baby rabies, which I s’pose could be, but I’m not sure.  And if I knew then it wouldn’t happen, but it is happening so I obviously don’t know.

What do you reckon’s going on?  Am I using them by asking too much (or little)?
Age: 38

The whole tone of this letter irritates the fuck out of me. If every woman you’ve dated in the last however long disregards your disclaimer that you aren’t looking for marriage and kids, then you’re the only common denominator. What? Women you date for a significant amount of time want you to commit to them even though you told them you weren’t looking for that? You don’t say! These women aren’t deaf and dumb. They heard you when you said you weren’t looking for marriage or children. But after dating for a few months or longer and engaging in what looks and feels like a serious relationship, OF COURSE they’re going to wonder what the hell your deal is. You sound shocked – shocked, I tell you!- that these women are all imploding. Like, really? It’s news to you that women don’t like to waste their time? Nobody should have to tell you that most – not all! –  women in their thirties are looking for something serious.

It’s very easy to blame “baby rabies” (yeesh) and biological clocks, but it’s also just as possible that you’re not as clear about your intentions as you think. That or you’re willfully proceeding down a certain path with women you know damn right well are looking for a long-term commitment.

Here’s a thought: date a single mom instead of a nubile thirty-three year old. Or…OR…date older women who, like you, are past the point of wanting to get hitched and have kids. I would think those two options would significantly lower the chance of you having to deal with these irrational women with bad hearing you keep meeting.

Basically, stop being a shallow misogynistic doucherag who wants to have his cake and eat it too. If this is something that keeps happening to you, then you’re the problem.

Fucking next?

 

Thoughts?

AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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60 Responses to “Why Does Every Woman He Dates Want Marriage & Kids?”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    How can you both be so glib and thoughtless about baby rabies? My sister suffered from it and she was so sick with it she was in and out of the hospital like three times with it (giving birth to her three children of course). Show some compassion please.

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  2. bbdawg Says:

    Well, OP, guess what, ALL women want marriage, ultimately, in a way or another (minimum is a long-term relationship or cohabitation).

    it’s one thing to meet a guy and wait and see the potential for a month or even three, or to be in a transition where you’re open to casual stuff for a few weeks, but no woman is going to stick around after she figures out you don’t want marriage or kids or serious commitment, not if they want a family or kids. Like Moxie said if you REALLY wanted to find women like this, you’d put a disclaimer on your profile or just tell them right away and filter them out at the beginning. But guess what, you’d have no takers. You can go on sugar daddy websites and find younger women who “understand” your commitment issue, but the “understanding” is monetary.

    The best bet in your case is to get into short-term situations and just leave after 3 months. No woman is going to want to waste her time with a man who doesn’t want to commit. If you are a sort of playboy type that attracts women who like your lifestyle in exchange for no commitment, that’s not an issue. That’s more of an issue if you’re a “regular guy” who isn’t into the “marriage thing”. A woman is better off moving on to someone else who will have more to offer than just dick.

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    • SS Says:

      “A woman is better off moving on to someone else who will have more to offer than just dick.”

      You guys are killing it.

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  3. Yvonne Says:

    The tone of this letter irritated me too. UnReal sounds like he’s got ice water running through his veins with his cutesy Brit-talk. I might cut him a little slack after a 3 month relationship, but letting it go for 7 months, well, I’m also guessing this man’s intentions were not crystal clear. If they had been, none of these women would have stuck around that long. Saying you don’t want anything serious, but acting like a you’re in a semi-serious relationship is going to send mixed signals.

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    • D. Says:

      Minor point, but I’m gonna guess Aussie (or Kiwi, I suppose), not Brit.

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      • Yvonne Says:

        I did get that he was Aussie or Kiwi, but Australia was formed as a dominion of the British Empire, so technically British.

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  4. BTownGirl Says:

    I’m 34 and this letter neatly illustrated why I date mostly 45+. Trust me, there’s like a 200% less chance of running into, I don’t know, a grown-ass man who calls women “randoms”. The one fault with the women here is that they’re not running away (screaming) from a dude that’s 38 (!!!) and still talks like he’s trying to impress his bros at the kegger. #BoyBye

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    • SS Says:

      “and still talks like he’s trying to impress his bros at the kegger.”

      THIS

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    • PGH Gal Says:

      Glad I’m not the only one who immediately thought he sounded like a frat boy. I can’t understand why these women want to lock a guy like this down AND have his children. Ladies, we have to do better.

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      • Goldie Says:

        Yup, I’m sure he’ll make a great dad… in an angry-cry, shouty sort of way. smh

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        • Yvonne Says:

          Although never married, he actually already is a dad (which he got out of his system, natch), so that has to make you wonder what kind of dad he is.

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  5. Nicki Says:

    What Moxie said.

    Randoms? Baby rabies? Ugh, man… How does any man fall for this douche?

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  6. SS Says:

    OP – wow. I mean… I want to reply respectfully even in the face of what I interpreted as extreme misogyny/disrespect for my gender.

    Baby rabies? Ankle-biters? You come across as though you hate women. No joke. Are you ok with that perception?

    You seriously didn’t know that these women were looking for marriage and kids until 7 months in? Seriously? Do you hear yourself?

    I’m just… I mean… f*ck. Suffice to say I underscore everything Moxie said.

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    • Ben Iyyar Says:

      I agree, this man’s situation is way beyond simply foolish, I sense some real bone chilling hate for women in this UnReal guy.

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  7. Nia Says:

    If the OP doesn’t want marriage, what *does* he want? Maybe take the focus off “I don’t want kids! I don’t want marriage! EVER!” and put it on what you DO want. You may attract the person you’re looking for if you’re honest in a different way.

    Plenty and I mean PLENTY of men change their minds about children and marriage when they meet “the one”–something that is both told to women directly by their friends and shown to them by life experience and the media. Every previously bonafide wolf is just one manic pixie dream girl away from dropping to one knee having seen the light.

    I’ve had too many men to count marry, have children with, or get extremely serious about the literal next woman they met after me after swearing up down and sideways they didn’t want to get married and broke out in hives at the thought of kids.

    The longer you allow a relationship to go past that 3 month fish or cut bait zone, the more you’re giving her hope that she’s “the breakthrough woman”.

    So rather than saying “I’ll never…” why not focus on the positives: You want freedom. You want possibilities. You want to keep things light and loose for now. You want to have fun and take it slow. Check in every few months and make sure you’re still on the right page. Perhaps continue to date other women and avoid things like meet the friends/meet the parents/attend work events together or go on vacations. An endless series of third dates. Doesn’t that sound like bliss?

    Never having someone to rush to the hospital when you’re ill or just be there to talk through a work problem. Not knowing if a loved one died or became ill you’d have someone to hold you while you cried…or is that only for ankle biters? Making sure you never spend more than a few days at her place or she at yours–better keep that DOPP kit handy, bud. Keeping your hopes, dreams, fears, and secrets to yourself because you don’t get serious, remember? Enjoy the Uber ride from the airport because you’re non-girlfriend isn’t there to pick you up and hug you and show you how much she missed you.

    Now granted, I’m not sure that someone with such an acidly patronizing view of womanhood, marriage, and motherhood (none of which deserve the hurtful and juvenile terms you’ve used to describe them) should even BE dating, but that’s a tale for another time, I guess.

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    • SS Says:

      “An endless series of third dates.”

      To be honest I don’t want to get to 2 dates with a guy who can’t countenance the idea of commitment at *some* point with *someone*. Let alone 3 months. Never mind SEVEN!!!!!!!

      There is such an enormous disconnect as many of you have already pointed out.

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  8. jaclyn Says:

    I’m not as upset with you as Moxie is – I do believe that if you tell a woman clearly and early on that you have no interest in marriage or kids that you have fulfilled your responsibility and you can let them decide what they want to do. That being said, if you really care about a woman and you know that she wants kids, then you really might want to break it off with her for her sake, since you don’t want to keep her from finding someone who can make her dreams come true and bring her happiness. On the other hand, it is kind of unfair for you to write off all women under the age of 40 since some of them may want to be child free, and others might temporarily be interested in a short term relationship before pursuing something more serious. So I think you can pursue relationships with women in childbearing years, but be careful if they seem to be getting too attached or hinting about wanting a future. If that happens, you should remind them that you don’t see your future goals changing and leave if you think you are keeping them from pursuing something that will make them happy in the long term.

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  9. fuzzilla Says:

    Yup, simplest solution is to either date someone older or someone who explicitly wants and agrees to an open and casual relationship. But of course he’ll never do that, just keep on keepin’ on with his humblebrag circle jerk.

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  10. UnReal Name Says:

    I appreciate the insights. Harsh, but fair. Nothing like a slap to get my attention.

    On re-reading, it was a bit woe is me and my curse of super-studness. I s’pose I could have framed it better. Too late now.

    I chuckled at the frat boy reference – I flit between academia and hypermasculine work environments so it must have rubbed off. But I’ve never been to a kegger. B&S Balls, but not a kegger.

    You’re right though, I am not good relationship material. I am educated, funny, I can be kind, and I even have a full head of hair, but I offer relatively little time, I’m phlegmatic, a little callous, and absent. So why agree in the first place only to ratchet up the pressure to change? If what they want is not an option why even start? Or at least just leave at the first sign? Or, to be blunt, why sook when you can’t get what you can’t have? How can they be surprised?

    Is it too cynical to think I’m just a port in a storm or hubby of last resort?

    I sort of understand the uber and comfort and crying-shoulder appeal but…no thanks, not for me. Tried it and it didn’t do anything for me. Just felt like tit-for-tat obligation and feigned interest, from both sides.

    But as for the acerbic motherhood thing, I was just pulling your (collective, metaphorical) tail – I meant no (great) disrespect. Maybe something was lost in the translation. If it makes it better, I’m equally dismissive of everyone else, myself included. And in the same vernacular.

    I get the problem, they didn’t want to be chew toys, but they weren’t. I was offering ‘everything but’. I think the problem lies in the disconect between the verbal and implied. I sort of thought that, but my circles don’t offer enlightened insight. At least it’s something to change.

    Oh, and I’m too conceited to humblebrag – It’s full-on puffering or nothing .

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    • ? Says:

      To be honest, you sound like one of those sociopathic guys who get kicks out of playing head/mind games with women and people here on this blog. You pull on the charm, say you don’t want anything serious but throw out a few crumbs of hope only to yank it away from them. All the while laughing at their gullibility and reveling in your ingenuity at social and emotional manipulation and domination . Your two posts just reek of it. And you just love getting a rise out of Moxie and the gals responding here. I guess we should be thankful and glad that you are applying your manipulative skills to breaking hearts instead of breaking bones (in a serial killer way).

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    • BostonRobin Says:

      “Avoidant Attachment Style.” So of course you have a homing signal for Anxious Attachment Style women, who will just cling to you because that’s their MO. But… because you’re Avoidant, you won’t be happy in a relationship that’s mutually Avoidant. You need them as much as they need you.

      “I sort of understand the uber and comfort and crying-shoulder appeal but…no thanks, not for me. Tried it and it didn’t do anything for me. Just felt like tit-for-tat obligation and feigned interest, from both sides.”

      It felt fake for you because you don’t open your own heart to people. Some of actually get tremendous joy out of doing nice things for our partners, no reciprocity needed.

      Wow, this entire post is just blowing my mind. But if you’re happy being like this, keep at it.

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      • NewEnglandMan Says:

        Yeah, very clearly avoidant attachment. A couple definitions of avoidant attachment style that I think are helpful:

        Avoidant Attachment : Their caregivers were distant, inattentive or absent. Infants grow up not to trust others, to dismiss the importance of relationships, are extremely self-reliant and have little empathy.

        Avoidant Attachment : typical of infants whose parents are emotionally unavailable, rejecting and unresponsive. Such children develop an internal working model of parents who are unable to comfort them and as a result they learn to become self-sufficient, often acting like ‘little adults’. Unconsciously, they tend to believe that they are unworthy of being listened to, helped or loved.

        Because the parent is not there to validate the child’s mental experiences, these children have few opportunities to learn about their own feelings, and to reflect on their own minds, and on the minds of others. Consequently, they are somewhat disconnected from themselves and from others, and find empathy difficult. However, never having known anything else, they are not necessarily aware of this.

        As adults they are said to have a ‘dismissing’ stance. They tend towards dry, logical thinking. They value independence above all else; autonomy is at the core of their identity. Peers typically describe them as aloof, controlling and unlikable.

        When asked about their childhoods they recall facts (e.g. schools, sporting events, etc.), but not relationships. When pushed to describe their emotional relationships with their parents, their descriptions are brief, idealistic and do not convey the lived experience. They typically claim that their family life had no effect on their development. One of my avoidantly attached clients, when asked about his childhood, replied: ‘My mother was normal. She ran the home. My father worked. My brothers and I were fine. My family life didn’t affect my development.’

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    • KK Says:

      I don’t understand why you even want a relationship? You dont seem to like people much.

      Also, and i think you got this, offering eveegthing but is very difficult to navigate. Few women are ok with a relationship that doesnt lead to marriage and/or kids.

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      • bbdawg Says:

        “I don’t understand why you even want a relationship?”

        Narcissists need other people to feed off of them. and many of them are ‘charming’ and ‘great fun’ because they’re all about looking good in public and getting praise and attention.

        These guys don’t do the “tit for tat” that is required in real casual relationships. They still do want the attention women give to men when we see them as “boyfriend” potential or actual boyfriend.

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    • Bree Says:

      Maybe you should stick with masturbating. It’s sex with someone you love.

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    • natalie Says:

      I don’t understand a word he’s saying.

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    • Chianti2016 Says:

      If you really did tell them that you don’t want kids or marriage then I understand you. Had you told me that up front, I wouldn’t date you, period. You are either dating stupid women or you aren’t telling them anything. I think most on here think that you aren’t telling them anything. For those who believe that, look around. I’m sure you have a friend or two who is married to a cheater, drinker, gambler etc that believes he will change. I think those women are crazy.

      You need to date a woman who seriously wants what you want. She’s out there. Stop dating desperate women.

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  11. Ben Iyyar Says:

    “Basically, stop being a shallow misogynistic doucherag” says everything UnReal fellow needs to know and about which he will probably do nothing! If I did not know men who actually speak and behave like this personally, I would almost have thought that this letter was an mean joke. Personally I found the angry, arrogant, and insulting tone of this individuals comments more disturbing than his unsavory content and dismissive rhetoric. Indeed, I wonder why any self respecting woman would waste any of her time on such an unaware and selfish man, but I know it happens. A lot of self centered, immature, and spoiled men act this way, but by age thirty eight most of us have GROWN UP! In my opinion, this Un Real’s behavior seems more of a serious and debilitating emotional problem, far deeper than just being a shallow jerk. I would advise him to get some serious professional help, he cannot be happy, my God, just read this guy’s letter!

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  12. Mandy Says:

    I still have no idea what you actually DO want. You say you don’t want marriage, but you clearly do want long-term (monogamous?) relationships, because that’s what you keep having. Really, what’s the difference between that and marriage, to you? It’s very obvious that you are simultaneously engaging these women in serious, long-term relationships AND pushing them away and being angry at them for thinking they are in serious, long-term relationships with you.

    Not wanting (more) kids is fine–you say you state it up front, but I’m wondering how clear you really are on this. While there are some women in their 30’s who also don’t want children, as others mentioned you’re much better off going older of choosing women who already have children.

    These are essentially 2 separate issues. Figure out what a good relationship looks like to you. It seems as if you have absolutely no idea, and that’s the issue.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Right, it’s like seeking out Disney movies over and over and then going, “Ugh, all these damn princesses and gowns and songs, I’m so sick of it!” “Okay, then why don’t you seek something out that’s more to your taste?” “Ugh, but that’s dirty and bad and wrong and broken!” “Okay, then just…keep complaining about how awful all those princess fantasies are, I guess..?”

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    • Bree Says:

      He wants a love slave.

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  13. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    To the OP, if you had a serious question I think you came to the wrong place for answers. The commenters here are mostly tone deaf and humorless and, at the same time, manifestly blinded by your roguish Australian charms.

    There is a logical answer to your question though. Generally, no emotionally stable and intelligent woman would accept your “express upfront conditions.” So, by announcing the terms of your relationship at the beginning, you are selecting out those women who would not go crazy when you end things.

    You don’t need to date older and that wont solve the problem anyway because crazy comes I all ages. If you presented yourself as a serious person rather than this character you’re using, you would meet more stable women. When you end things with those women, you just lie and tell them you “don’t see things headed where you originally thought.” They’ll be fine with that answer.

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    • mxf Says:

      This is sensible. When I think about how many women likely see the “oh, I simply won’t be tied down by marriage and babies, not this wild pony” schtick as the ultimate challenge to be the one to *tame* him, it’s no wonder they seem to accept his terms initially, because they see it as part of the dance to commitment. Man says he won’t, woman thinks she’s on the same page but then deep down settles in to find out if she’s “good enough” to change his mind.

      I don’t even think it’s 100% conscious on either side. But the upfront disclaimer probably just attracts “changers” who are on their best behavior, until suddenly they aren’t.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        There are apparently whole continents filled with these “tell-it-like-it-is” Simon Cowells where emotionally stunted women can go to get triggered. Someone should start a tour group.

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        • mxf Says:

          I know this guy who states, whenever the subject comes up, that he doesn’t like pie. Any pie, all pie, none of them can change his mind. And this inevitably leads to people challenging him, in all good humor and incredulity, by listing all the different kinds of pie, or insisting he taste their aunt sharon’s magic apple pie, or whatever. And then he gets to become very indignant that his pie BOUNDARIES are being ignored, and why can’t he just live his pie-free life, etc.

          And it’s like… dude. Just pass on the dessert, for god’s sake, without all the attention-seeking fuss. A certain style of confirmed-bachelor type reminds me of this dynamic.

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  14. Goldie Says:

    I do not agree with the advice for OP to date single mothers, since OP doesn’t sound like he’s too fond of any kids, of any ages, and probably wouldn’t tolerate any degree of presence of someone else’s kids in his life. As a mother, I would not take kindly to a bf/partner who’s expect me to put him before my children 100% of the time, and this is what I feel OP would do if he were to date a single mom.

    I also think that OP should try venturing out of the realm of long-term, monogamous relationships, and try other things. I’m only semi-familiar with open and poly, but I’m sure there are other options out there. LTR/monogamous just doesn’t seem to be working for OP, so why force yourself to be something you’re not.

    I’ve had conversations with both my past LTRs very early on in the relationship, to share what we’re both looking for, and see if we’re after the same thing. All of us agreed we didn’t want to remarry, but we all wanted a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship. With the first one, we failed to go into detail and so it took us two years to realize that he wanted “someone to do fun things on weekends with”, whereas I wanted “someone to come home to”. With the second one, we both spelled out and agreed that we each wanted “someone to come home to”, only reason we ended things was that we both realized we weren’t that person for each other. I’m surprised that OP’s women are surprised to find out that he isn’t looking for what they thought he was, three to seven months into a relationship. Didn’t they have that talk early on? They should’ve. Just saying “I don’t want to get married” is not enough, because that covers a wide spectrum.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      Yeah I don’t understand the idea that single mothers somehow want to date men who clearly lack empathy.

      The bottom line here is, and it goes for men and women, you can’t have a long-term relationship where you give nothing and just take. Unless there is serious mental illness and/or abuse involved, no healthy human being is going to take that. Period.

      Yeah I get some men are happy just having sex but unless you’re a gay man, where that is more commonly accepted, if you are a straight man you are going to have to deal with the fact that women are wired to want to form families and to find stable companionship.

      You can work around that in two ways, one is to become skilled at lying in the sense that you can’t reveal your true intentions and women will leave once they realize it and the other is to be the mythical “marriage material” man most women salivate over by being ridiculously successful and somewhat handsome, where women will be willing to compete with each other for the fantasy of having a chance and (and on their minds) eventually marrying the guy and having babies with him and having the option of being a stay-at-home mom because the guy can afford it. (Examples: pro athletes, entrepreneurs, CEOs, heirs, etc…). Men like this are guaranteed a steady supply of interested women pretty much for life.

      I have a feeling now that online dating, especially, has matured, women are catching up a lot faster and are less willing to deal with men who aren’t into commitment, just because that’s literally 2/3 of the men online. We are reading the “patterns” faster because the behavior is so common and widespread.

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  15. Jake Says:

    I don’t see anything wrong with what the Op wrote. He doesn’t want kids or marriage and has stated that to the women he’s dated. Of course, he should keep dating them. The onus is on them to end the relationship if they are not getting what they want out of the relationship.

    Op,keep doing what you are doing and dating these nubile 33 yr olds.

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  16. Zaire Says:

    I agree with the tone. This guy is really feeling himself. Why do they want something more serious? Because they are not men. Meaning most women actually want something more serious (or if it starts casually moving towards seriousness once its been going on a while) whether she says so outright or not. OP isn’t the only one deserving of blame but if this scenario has occurred three times in a row with separate women the “problem” might not be the women…

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  17. Howad Says:

    OK Mr UnReal Name, this is how it works. The harsh reality is that most women do want marriage and kids. And they really don’t have a lot of time left for making kids, when they are thirty something. Yes it’s indeed a game of bait and switch. However, when it comes to the biological imperative, bait and switch by female humans is not the worst; some female spiders eat the male after mating to provide sustenance for the impending offspring.

    The crazy thing is that you probably know all I have said above, but refuse to accept the realities of life. We really are here to procreate. How do you think you got here? If you feel you have done your share with the kid you have, good for you, but try to avoid women who have not had kids. If you don’t, the same will keep happening to you.

    Success in dating is not about right and wrong, or what’s supposed to be, or even rational behavior. Attraction is often not a choice. People change their minds. People tell you one thing because they imagine that’s what sounds good, but really have other values or want other things.

    Success, generally comes after handling all the twists in the road and refining your radar, without creating too much angst in your being. If you want to get all worked up about things, like the last woman; you’re no better than her, and you’re going to be doomed to failure.

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  18. UnReal Name Says:

    Again, thanks for the feedback.

    I’m only a little less confused but I have lots to mull.

    It’ll take a bit before I can sit again after getting my arse smacked with the DSM, but I don’t take it personally. I think at least some of that’s ’cause of losses in translation, cultural differences, and irony. The rest? Well, where there’s smoke…

    I don’t need anyone to believe me, but I am not a dismissive-avoidant psychopath seething with internalised and externalised hate for women and children and everyone (and I look 10 years’ younger) (that last bit was irony, if you didn’t notice).

    Just to give some cultural context; Where I come from you call friends bastards, to their face, in normal conversation, a lot (or call them worse. Much, much, worse – You should see the looks on foreigner’s faces, especially American’s); ankle-biter is affectionate; and obsequious manners are mocked.

    I’ll cop to being an over-educated, conceited, ego-centric, (somewhat) cynical, white male from an emotionally repressed culture where emoting is a no-no, and insults mean affection (in context).

    I’m getting that it’s unreasonable to expect the vast majority of women to hang around without me proffering a marriage/child. I’m getting that actions lead to expectations.

    I’m not comfortable with lying to snag and then lying to ditch, seems like (un)glorified P&D (but DrivingMeNutes is clearly inciteful and perspicacious). I can do dodgy but that’s a little too callous, especially if it’s burning their last(ish) dance. And it’s a bit Sisyphean.

    As for opening my heart, I’m sorry but I don’t know what that means.

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    • KK Says:

      “I’m getting that it’s unreasonable to expect the vast majority of women to hang around without me proffering a marriage/child. I’m getting that actions lead to expectations.”

      I’m not quite sure you get it, though, ok, maybe there’s a cultural difference going on here.

      There are women who absolutely will hang around without you proffering marriage/a child. The issue is that it is very, very difficult to have a couple-LIKE relationship for awhile, without feeling like it will lead to more. It is difficult to act like a couple for a year and not believe that the other person wants a real relationship. Yeah, you need to be more selective.

      Also, if you’re genuinely looking for help. If your last three relationships are ending the same way, then it’s you who is doing something wrong. If it’s one woman, then, ok, bitches be crazy. But at this point? Are you sure you’re being upfront about absolutely not wanting marriage?

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      • UnReal Name Says:

        No, I’m not sure. I thought I had, but I obviously hadn’t.

        I’m just here looking for some insight as to why there was such diametric opposition between actions and words. What I thought had been defined and settled changed, in the same way, each time.

        My stance and language didn’t change but their’s did. Is the shift a willful deception, or natural progression, or desperation, or societal expectation, or biological imperitive, or coincidence, or something else?

        I could dwell on it forever but I don’t have what it takes to figure it out.

        As for waiting until the third went belly-up – one’s an outlier, two’s a coincidence, but three’s a pattern.

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        • KK Says:

          “My stance and language didn’t change but their’s did. Is the shift a willful deception, or natural progression, or desperation, or societal expectation, or biological imperitive, or coincidence, or something else?”

          I think here is the problem. Your stance didn’t change, but here you are giving someone “everything but,” and it’s going on for months. Why WOULDN’T she think that maybe things had changed? It is very, very difficult for most people to have a physically and emotionally intimate relationship and not expect it to lead to more.

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      For anyone who doesn’t feel like reading this, here’s the gist:

      You’re all stupid (too stupid to even understand irony, in fact).

      *swoon*

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    • coffeestop Says:

      You do not know what it means to open your heart but you are a father. Hmmmm.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        Eh, I feel like that’s offsides. I think it’s 100% possible to suck at dating and be an excellent parent at the same time.

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  19. Parenting Says:

    I wanted a family (had the “baby rabies”?) and I definitely did NOT date guys who explicitly told me they didn’t want kids. Like literally as soon as I heard the magic words “I don’t want kids”, there were no more dates. Trying to convert a guy who doesn’t want a family into a guy who does is only slightly less stupid than trying to turn a gay guy straight. I agree that the OP is either not being as clear as he thinks or the women he is dating are all insane.

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  20. Yvonne Says:

    I cannot help but see some irony in this post and the previous one where the woman expressed anger at guys for their callous behavior.

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  21. ATWYSingle Says:

    Warning: I just got through deleting a bunch of comments on this post. The guy CLEARLY loves attention. This isn’t xoJane, where everybody tries to out troll the troll. Engage him, and I’ll ban you. Simple. If you have something constructive or useful to say, then by all means leave a comment. But if you’re just going to try and bait him by being utterly and thoroughly unfunny or snarky, leave. The guy does not care what you think and wrote the letter to piss people off.

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  22. coffeestop Says:

    A vast majority of women want to get married and have children. The OP will have a hard time finding a huge pool of women who do not want to get married and do not want children.

    I think if I was a woman in my 30’s who wanted marriage and children I would break up with somebody the minute they mentioned they did not want those things so it does seem weird they persisted. He comes accross as pretty rude and insufferable so I am shocked he has done a decent amount of dating.

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  23. Stacy Says:

    A person as full of himself as the letter writer is rare even in NYC, go figure. Love Moxie’s response. Kinda reminded me about a How I Met Your Mother Episode: “women over 30 don’t joke about commitment!”

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