Question: I’m at the point with dating where I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore and I’m not having fun. I’ve also been told that I don’t give guys enough chances or that I’m too picky. If only people knew how not picky I’ve been. Because of this, I’m constantly seconds guessing my judgment and trying to be too nice since my way has not worked.
Our first date he canceled at the last minute and was a bit flippant about it. I wrote him off but eventually responded to his texts and apologies. I kept it short and let him know that while I accepted his apology I didn’t want to see him because I thought it was incredibly rude and he had ample time to change plans. Eventually I agreed to a low key first date after texting back and forth. We had a decent time and I thought it was worth a second date. This one goes great and I like him enough to try a third.
So we are trying to make plans and I say when I am free and he wants to meetup before then and wants me to cancel my pre existing plans. He says it jokingly so I reply jokingly. He eventually replies that it’s not a huge thing for me to cancel my plans. (It’s a fitness class but it’s also something I enjoy and I’m friends with the other members so it’s a bright spot in my day). This feels a bit entitled to me and a bit controlling. My instincts are going off but I’ve had bad luck with guys so I’m trying to not be my typical anxious and defensive self.
After this interaction I have a bad taste about him. There are other things that make me raise an eyebrow but this one really annoyed me.
Am I being unreasonable?
I kept it short and let him know that while I accepted his apology I didn’t want to see him because I thought it was incredibly rude and he had ample time to change plans.
Okay. I’m noticing a trend in the last couple letters. The women pretend to put their foot down about something, eventually cave, then can’t figure out why the guy continues to act like a cock waddle. Here’s why: because you reward their cock waddle behavior. If you know you don’t have the resolve to stick to your guns, do not issue ultimatums. The minute you go back on your word you lose all your leverage.
Do yourselves a favor: don’t take a stand and demand better treatment if you’re just going to weaken and give in. Just don’t do it. Once you do that, the guy knows he can take advantage of you and jog up and down your face wearing cleats.
This feels a bit entitled to me and a bit controlling.
It feels entitled and controlling BECAUSE IT IS. Holy Mother of Baby Jesus in a Prius. It is controlling. It is entitled. He’s a douche. This is not an example of you being too picky. This is an example of you not being picky enough.
No, you are not being unreasonable. People who cancel dates at the last minute are rude. Full stop. Do not pass go, people. I don’t care what their reason is, if they cancel last minute, they’re automatically sent to the reject bin. They’re only removed from the discard pile if they make a concerted effort to schedule other plans. But even then they’re on my shit list.
You’re not being too picky when you decide you will not allow someone to treat you poorly. That’s a standard you should uphold at all times. Having standards is not the same thing and being too picky. Wanting a guy to have a job is not being too picky. Wanting a guy to live on his own is not being too picky. Wanting a guy to be over his ex is not being too picky. Wanting to be physically attracted to a man is not being too picky. When what you demand and require is unrealistic or unattainable, that’s when you’re being too picky. If you know you’d never been able to pull a certain type of person, then holding out for that type of person is probably unwise. That’s when you’re being picky.
I sent a friend a screen shot of one of my OKCupid matches yesterday and he said, “I don’t see what’s wrong with that guy.” The guy in the photo was kind of chubby with a hang dog look on his face. For a moment, I felt guilty. Then I said, “Nope. Fuck that. I want to be with a guy that makes me want to rip his clothes off.” Delete. Block. Maybe this is just the Welbutrin talking, but if i don’t look at a picture and…feel things…it’s a no go. Am I being too picky? I don’t know. But i don’t care. I want what I want. And I don’t want some Long Island schlub in a muscle shirt. So sue me.
I had this whole thing written about the difference between being too picky and having standards and I deleted it. Truth? I don’t know the difference anymore. I have so many people telling me that being so specific about what I seek works against me. That I’m maybe overlooking some really good guys because they don’t seem tough enough, that maybe I need someone who balances me out, etc. Maybe. But there’s this voice I have in my head that says, “No. They are not you. You know what works for you. Keep looking. He’s out there.” I’m not sure I can distinguish between too picky or not anymore.