Maybe He Was Just Never Into You?



Name: Jennifer

Question: Ok Moxie, another coworker love issue, what can I say? So, I am working with this guy and started to develop a crush on him a month after I started (6 mon the ago). I’ve caught him checking me out several times, so I’m pretty sure he finds me attractive. We’ve never hung out outside of work, but we’ve have lunches frequently. He has asked me to hang out one Saturday, but I made other plans. Besides that, I’m also hesitant about dating coworkers.

Anyway, I’ve always thought we were on good terms. I don’t remember anything I’ve said or done to  him to make him angry, but here’s where I’m so confused. I told him that I’m going on a 1 week vacation to California  and then Vegas. He asked me if I have any friends there, and I mentioned that I have a friend in California. As of now, that is the last time I talked to him.

The following day, he’s been so cold and unresponsive to me. He kept me at a distance and will not talk to me. I approached him the next day and point blank asked him why he’s angry. He said that he wasn’t and that’s just how he comes off.

It’s been almost 2 weeks and it’s like this guy who I’ve been friends with and going to lunches with no longer exists. As a coworker, it’s really awkward because I see him everyday and have to work with him.

I know this isn’t really a dating issue, but it’s still an issue. I’m attracted to him,  but haven’t acted out on it besides a little flirting here and there. I didn’t mention going on a trip to see a guy or anything. I’m single, and as far as I know, he is too.

I don’t want to lose a friend, and to be honest, I was hoping something will come out of it when we’re no longer working together.
Age: 36


Maybe his aloofness has nothing to do with you? Maybe this is all in your head? Maybe he was into you but isn’t anymore? Maybe he met someone that he doesn’t work with and started dating them? I don’t know, but it sounds like whatever it was that going on between you wasn’t all that solid to begin with. At best, he’s got personal stuff going on. At worst, he lost interest. That is, if he ever actually had it. Lots of people who work together socialize and go to lunch. Just because he’s a man and you’re a woman doesn’t mean he’s automatically hitting on you and vice versa.

I feel like every letter this week could fall under them “He’s Just Not That Into You” umbrella. Have things become so murky that we can no longer discern when someone is genuinely into us? Reading these letters. it’s as if the authors never consider the possibility that these men were never that interested in the first place. That’s the most likely explanation for the mixed messages and yet that never seems to register with any of these people. I would wager that – nine times out of ten – the answer to this particular conundrum is a simple He’s Just Not That Into You. I don’t understand why we torture ourselves trying to figure out what went wrong and why. Nothing went wrong! They just changed their mind or we misread the signals. That’s it.

As a coworker, it’s really awkward because I see him everyday and have to work with him.

Yes, and imagine how awkward things would be if you actually dated. I get that work relationships are a thing and that they’re totally acceptable. What I don’t understand is why people don’t just shrug it off when their work crushes start acting weird and go find someone else.

I don’t want to lose a friend, and to be honest, I was hoping something will come out of it when we’re no longer working together.

If you truly are committed to preserving the friendship, then give him some space and then approach him and say you’re concerned because he seems preoccupied with something. But only do this if you truly want to maintain a platonic friendship with him. Personally, I think the bit about not wanting to lose a friend is disingenuous. I believe you believe it, but ask yourself what you’d do if this guy told you he didn’t return your interest. If you don’t truly believe you would still try to maintain a friendship with him, then write this off as one of those things you’ll never understand and hit up Tinder or a bar.



Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)


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13 Responses to “Maybe He Was Just Never Into You?”

  1. Jake Says:

    Stop. If he hasn’t asked you out or made a move on you then he’s not into you. Also, if someone stops talking to you or less, don;t ask them what made them angry. OP, find another guy. Thousands out there.

    • ? Says:

      They have had lunch on a number of occassions so there was a friendship at least. Nothing wrong or amiss about asking what is wrong. I think it would be expected in this case. Whether she’ll get a meaningful answer out of him is another question. But yes, she should not get fixated or dwell, but just move on if he does not appear to want to maintain any contact.

  2. coffeestop Says:

    This whole OP post seems to be about something that never happened. When nothing happens then you have your answer.

  3. fuzzilla Says:

    BTW, guessing this kinda thing is why Moxie said, “Okay, HOW did he hug you? HOW did he hold your hand?” in that post the other day – because so many people spin stories of grand romance out of thin air, with no basis in reality.

    If you *do* have concrete behavioral evidence that someone’s into you, it behooves you to make that clear if you’re seeking advice (and honestly, why would you not want to share this? Some people just don’t know how to tell stories, or what? Weird).

    • asker Says:

      Hi Fuzzilla, I really like your answers, so I want to ask you about what you just mentioned. Hugs. I actually asked the same yesterday, but it probably got lost. I went on two dates with this guy I met online. I liked him very much. Both times he hugged me tight, very tight and for a long time. The second time, I would say for 15-20 seconds. And he kissed me on the cheek when he embraced me. I am on the conservative side, so I was very pleased. Was that romantic or platonic? I am from a culture where people hug and touch, but it’s something brief. I have to tell you no one ever hugged me that way before. But it turns out he didn’t mention any concrete plans to have a third date, just “I hope to see you again soon.” Also, even though he has my cell phone, he wrote to thank me for the date on the website. Then he wrote again on the website. I am thinking he’s not that into me. But why would he hug me that way? I guess I have the right to complain or vent why he gave me wrong signals. Before that guy I went out with another who I could tell wasn’t that into me, but when he “jumped the shark” with something I considered inappropriate, I dropped him like a bad habit, just to clarify how I proceed.

      • fuzzilla Says:

        I mean, the hug sounds romantic to me. I don’t think he would mention wanting to see you again unless he meant it (he could’ve just said “great meeting you” or nothing at all).

        How long it’s been since these interactions seems like the important thing to focus on. Less than two days? Just chill, or check back in with him. If it’s been a week plus? Then just another one-date wonder, probably.

        • asker Says:

          Thanks, fuzzilla. The date was on Sunday, and the two short mails on the website where on Monday and Wednesday. When I saw he wasn’t suggesting meeting again, only that he had to come up with parenting ideas for his child, I just wished him a wonderful weekend and that I knew he would come up with great ideas. I understand he’s busy and that he has to spend time with his kid. But I would expect something more concrete, like, “This weekend I have my kid with me, but we could meet next week”. And the website thing, he has my number for goodness sake.
          Oh well, maybe he’s another one-date wonder, just like you say. Ha, that made me smile!

          • Jake Says:

            He didn’t try to kiss you, and he hasn’t followed up. It sounds like he is not interested. Also, online daters are supremely flakey.

            You should discount what a date tells you and concentrate on their actions.

      • Tinker Says:

        Since he has presumably made plans with you twice, maybe he is waiting to see if you will initiate plans with him. I’m not necessarily talking about paying, but just asking and showing interest.

        • asker Says:

          Thanks, Tinker. I really like the guy. I think I showed interest. I’ll try to be patient a little longer… but preparing myself for an undesirable result…

  4. Selena Says:

    The last few letters printed on this blog gave me the impression that the female letter writer “wasn’t that into” the male she was writing about herself. Kinda more that she was a bit off put because she expected more attention than she was getting even so.

    The bend your girlfriends’ ear stuff, rather than seeking advice on the internet stuff.

    • ? Says:

      Dunno about asking girlfriends. They tend to tell you what you want to hear, to spare your feelings and/or make you feel good. I have told girlfriends the cold hard truth before and then got dropped as a friend. Not the kind of incentive to give honest reality based advice

  5. Bill Says:

    “…and to be honest, I was hoping something will come out of it when we’re no longer working together.”

    Here’s the deal… he has finally figured out that you are flakey, running hot, then cold. Flirting with him enough to string him along as a possible “something” at some indeterminate time in the future, but not enough to hangout outside work.

    Then, you confirmed it by getting all butt-hurt because he had one busy day at work, ONE DAY that he didn’t pay attention to you. You accused him of being angry, which he denied… and you’re such a good, “platonic work friend”, that you’ve let 2 weeks go by without suggesting lunch to catch up.

    Your letter reads like, why is he sending mixed signals, why is he mad, etc? You are projecting… you are the one who’s sent mixed messages. You’ve been crushing on him for 6 months, and have been letting him stroke your ego with attention, but make other plans the second he asks you to hang out outside work. He was into you, but figured out you were playing him, now he’s not. That not anger, that’s apathy and moving on…

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